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It turns out she didn’t want Melody to come.  Thought it would be too much for the pup and her other dog.  I’ll only go.if she can.  She needs contact with other dogs since losing Ally.  I do have a fully fenced yard, front and back.  But little grass.  Nina has a huge back yard of it. I don’t see how it would be a problem getting them all together as Mel would probably abstain from most of play with her quirks here or there. Maybe Nina is worried that her elder dog would not like it.  She’s very picky about everything.  A main reason we don’t do much together anymore.  Plus a big change with her Jackson and my Ally gone.  They were both avid alphas that had a great time.  Harper would try and join in and Mel would lay by me.  All I know is another change of challenge for less contact which I am craving.

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Thank you, dear Kay ~ but this site belongs to all of us, and it is our members (like yourself) who help to make it the very special place that it is. So congratulations to ALL of us! ❤️

I don't know if any of you saw it or not, but Marty received "best monitored award" for a grief site, that is a big deal!  https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333 CO

Ally’s gone.  It went differently than other times which will haunt me for awhile.  Don’t want to type details.  Am so very grateful my buddy was here as he knew her so well and got to say goodbye.  V

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

I know you miss Ally, just as I do Arlie, nothing offsets that....nothing.  :(

kayc: I agree totally with your statement.  Our fur babies, Ally, Arlie and my Maddie were too much of a support system after losing our husbands.  The loss of their company was a double whammy.  My Maddie gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.  My hope is as time passes, Gwen will find some peace and comfort as Mel partially fills that hole in her heart decreasing some of her pain.

I so enjoy reading your updates on Kodie.  He sounds so adorable.  Wish I were younger, I might consider another fur baby.  Presently, I can't even consider it since I'm looking at relocating.  On the upside though, my son does have two dogs so I can get my doggie fix as needed.  Dee

 

 

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I lost it about Ally last night going to bed.  I had been feeling it creep up on me all day and my counselor asked me point blank what I felt when I thought about her, experience the emptiness.  I still have times, especially waking up, I expect to see her around the house.  I really miss coming home to her and how she so annoyed me stepping on my oxygen tubing when I walked around.  I see how differently Melody acts now without her outgoing sister to spur her on.  

I have to get to a occupational therapy appointment today.  I miss being a nice patient.  Don’t want to chit chat and usually impatient as I haven’t had any good experiences in such a long time.  I’m so discouraged by pain and side effects of med changes.  The smallest of chores are so dreaded.  Cleaning the kitchen sink and dust blustering up some parakeet feathers did me in.

i just tried cancelling my dental coverage as they are about useless and I don’t have a need for it til December when I will be on a different plan.  More hoops, can’t cancel it myself, have to do it thru the state. 

Looks like a night to call my cousin just to hear her soothing voice and a little sympathy.  It was her turn last time.  We make a good tag team.

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Life is getting too predictable.  I saw there was a message on my machine this morning and said.....medical.  It was about now getting iron infusions.  I called for info and it’s 5 within 2 weeks.  They can take over an hour each.  After my trek into OT yesterday, which added more 'stuff' to do at home, much of which I can’t, I could fill my days with all medical tasks.  The real esteem killer is I really should use the wheelchair service for appointments.    Called my surgeon with questions about this unwanted surgery and they want me to come in.  Have to call again and see if we can do this on Zoom.  I so want to be able to fend for myself.  I made an eye appointment at Target and they don’t have that.  Hope I can make it as I have so much time to read I need it.  Noticing TV could be better too.  

Melody has started sleeping with me at the foot of the bed on Steve’s side.  She’s staying a few hours now which is great.  I miss cuddling with Ally, but having company, if limited, is so much better than when she left and there was nothing.  

I could barely walk today.   Am so exhausted I slept on one side all night.  We’re having the heat wave they predicted.  Supposed to be in the 90’s tomorrow when I am supposedly having a tree downed.  Means closing the back windows as I don’t want sawdust floating in here.  Wildfires are making the air worse too.  

I called my cousin last night in NM where they were having high 90’s and they were getting downpours and had an almost 40 drop in temps.  Possible snow.  We talked about 'the dog' issue and she had 2 over her lifetime of many.   Like Arlie and Maddie, Ally was mine.

Steve's old boss offered me the poster from where Steve worked of his memorial there.  I didn’t want it, but my counselor suggested getting it in case and it being lost forever.  

I just read an article about 'randomness' in Psychology Today.   How our evolved minds need to find meaning in everything.  I find myself wondering at the timing of things.  I don’t have a feeling I was left here for some purpose.  That when bad things happen it’s because I did something to warrant it (karma).  It’s just the chaos of life and, for many, death.  Why do my dishwasher, garage door, DVR and whatever go funky all at once?  Just happens.  It was, for me, a bit freeing that I’m not being cosmically or spiritually singled out.  I heard a news story of a family caught in the wildfires with some fatal results.  It’s horribly tragic and they were in the path of the flames.  

This isolation gives me much time to reorganize my thinking.  Sometimes it’s good, others it’s complicating.  I guess I should be grateful the old neurons are still firing.

 

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I hope this is just a routine check.  Seems the calls I get all want me in now.  I’m trying to have one week without something medical.  It’s so hard to tell what is considered urgent or not these days because of the safety issues.  

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Melody has started sleeping with me at the foot of the bed on Steve’s side.  She’s staying a few hours now which is great.  I miss cuddling with Ally, but having company, if limited, is so much better than when she left and there was nothing.  

Gwen:  I am sure Melody is learning what her expectations are to be your singular companion.  While Ally was with you all, she knew her place was to be the quiet one while Ally had center stage.  Keeping you and Melody in my thoughts that some kind of new habits will emerge and give you more comfort.  My Maddie never slept in my bed, but she did sleep in my bedroom. in her bed at the foot of my bed.  Once I went to sleep, she would get up and sleep in the hallway, or her bed in the living room.  I so miss hearing her comforting "click click" of her paws as she moved around the house.

Hope having the large tree removed won't be too much of an hassle.  It should be noisy for sure.  My neighborhood is full of fir trees and it seems like each week or so I hear saws and grinders as people remove another tree.  After that wind storm night before last, I wish I would have had trees taken down these past years.  My yard is loaded with branches, needles and cones.  Need to get busy and try to get the mess picked up before the rains begin.  Dee 

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I hear ya, Dee.  I never know with Mel these days.  She wouldn’t sleep in bed last night.   I was used to Ally dreaming and making sounds and movement.  Ally would look at me a lot.  Mel doesn’t so I googled it.  Looking another being in the eye is very different for dogs than for us.  It can be a sign of submission, fear or trauma.  She will look me in the eyes but not for very long.   I know when I hold her face to mine she gets uncomfortable.  Rather be petted.  Ally was unique as she was in peoples faces all he time.  I was proud of Mel barking (with her ball in her mouth) at the tree guys when they came in.  First time she made a bold showing rather than running off immediately and maybe bark from a safe distance.  

Haven't had many trees coming down around here tho there Is one I wish would.  It drops limbs and debris all year on my deck.  It’s so far from the neighbors house it doesn’t impact them.  When I was able to move better I’d toss it back into their yard.  I’m now waiting on the crew that takes to huge logs they made of the tree.  They chipped the branches.  One almost took out part of my fence when it dropped.  Grateful no damage so this can be crossed off the list.  Really felt for the guys doing it on the hottest day of the year.  Ah, to be young.  They probably went home, took showers and had plans with buddies or family.  

Made some calls about Medicare with my insurance and it doesn’t sound too complicated to transition now.  The one change I don’t like is going mail order meds as I worry about them being stolen from my box.  I could do local month to month, but I’ll try this.  No copays at all this way.   

A lot here have been so quiet.  I know you all have lives.  Just have to babble.  Mel finds it tedious and it probably is, but it helps better than numbing TV.  We’re waiting on Kay’s status, Dee is busy with her move, Marg is preparing to cancel October, Joyce has mega pain too.  I’d like to cancel October thru January but I can’t.  So I’ll just babble on.  Grateful for all of you.

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Brianna just said "let's just cancel this year."  Well, we lost a bunch of people.  I lost a bunch of friends.  (Damn this getting old and kicking the bucket), and I've started thinking I'll get my exercise (a little cooler) by going to visit relatives in the cemeteries and the ones I didn't get to tell goodbye.  Sounds like fun.  Worried about Kay, don't want her to lose her home.  Your right, I would like to cancel October.  Can't ever tell.  Might do it anyhow. Please take care of yourselves in your quarantined life.  I sure have read a lot of books.  Even read one that had sex in it.  I canceled the rest of the ones that were followups to it.  Used to would not have done that.  

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It seem dogs have different personalities and mannerisms, just like people. Marley is not very affectionate to me, but is to my son. She likes to be petted and brushed and is always at my side, but does not like kisses. She does not "dog talk". Tatum runs up at random with big sloppy kisses. She likes to grab my arm and lead me somewhere. She's always done that. I have permanent red marks or bruises on my arms. She has very kind and intelligent eyes. We have a lot of "dog conversations". She talks back as if she completely understands you. They both sleep in my room, but on the floor.

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Just catching up reading, wow, what a week you've had, Gwen!  It seems life is full of its challenges.

I have a million things to do but it's been such a harried week I'm going to take a break and see some friends today, they have a big area so we can distance.  Can't put Kodie outside, tons of smoke!

My home is not in danger at this time, although my son's is and the one he's buying (if it doesn't burn down).  OR is a mess, I can't believe how many towns burned up!  McKenzie river area...so sad, spent much time camping/fishing there.  :(  Mill City has a lot of family history in their museum, my kids' gr-grandfather invented the columbine, it was there, it also had a lot about their relatives there.  Gone now.

I'm with you, Marg, let's just cancel this year!

 

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I’m always amazed, or maybe wondering why, my mind comes up with the oddest questions when I am waking up.  Today was why do I exist?  I certainly didn’t ask to.  I’d have to exist on some other plane to ask.  I read an article that said of the thousands of sperm that if a different one hit my mom’s egg I’d be my sibling.  Don’t know what to make of that.   Just seems to me I’d look different.  So this biological thing happens and we are alive. We grow up becoming self aware and develop personalities.  We modify and carry them  our whole lives.  We have unique feelings.  We find one person appealing and another not.  We live as it’s the natural thing to do.  We enjoy, struggle, the whole gamut of emotions and at times get physically harmed too.  We become one with life.  Then something happens that breaks that natural way we blended into life without question.  A death that affects us more deeply than any others we experienced.  A death that takes us too in the most important and defining ways.  I am not the Gwen my whole life of choices and desires anymore.  One other person who I don’t know why they existed either stopped existing.  That very act made caused me to stop living and now plain exist.  I don’t like just existing.  I’ve tried all kinds of ways to put meaning back into it.  Sometimes something works for a bit but fades away.  Maybe I haven’t found it yet and, more scary, maybe I never will.  I’m tired of always walking into a headwind.  Always struggling to go forward.  Losing more things along the way to.....I don’t know.where.  I do the daily things I always did like dressing, eating, the basics.  There are no times truly shared that matter.  I can banter with the best of them, but my heart isn’t in it.  It’s closed off or gone.  People don’t notice tho. We are amazing actors if we choose to be.  When I reached the 'acceptable' limit of talking of my inner death I had to start pretending.  It’s very one way.  I’m happy, glad, sad or understanding for them.  They respond to the things I bring up for conversation.  I’ve cut out my medical struggles as that has gotten its wear too.  I do have interest enough in politics and riots and weather to make conversation.  I ooo and ah about a buddies puppy while I cry inside about my lost one.  I listen to all the things people do that fills them with life they don’t realize they aren’t struggling for.  It s a natural thing like I once felt.  My counseling has come to being able to say stuff like this but moves me little towards any future that looks remotely positive.  I’m amazed at those who have carried forward a sense of belonging in some way.  I’m just a ghost.  When I am gone a few people will miss me, but no one will mourn me.  I don’t know why that bothers me because I won’t be aware of it at the time.  It’s knowing that in the now.  Sometimes being in the now sucks.  I see perfectly why I desire the past.  As much as I dread the future.   I’m surrounded by people still in life or never had a partnership to miss as they age.  They also have close friends they developed instead.  They are 'fulfilled'.   Have someone to turn to when needed.  

So this is what has happened to someone who used to wake up full of plans, ideas and love of life. I sound like such a bummer to be around but deep inside I’m not.  I love people and sharing.  I’ve just keep finding people that are already busy and it would require physical ability.  So it stays existence.  It’s so hard to know you were liked and missing that because of obstacles to being that.  People do respond to the acting.  It’s just so draining and I so want it to be natural. 

It is being deeply loved and deeply loving that makes all this worth it.  There are some that wealth, fame and other reasons fill them totally.  But for most, it is love.  How pale the world has become without it.  To be filled with it and can’t give it that special someone.  I love my cousin, but I’m still overflowing with love that belongs to Steve. I don’t get that returned love either, none of us do now.  

I never questioned why I was here til half of me died.  So many people come in and out of my life.  I’ll really never know why he was the one.  That was a force stronger than us.  Rhetorically, how does one live without having had that kind of love?  I don’t.  I exist and then wonder why so get into these unanswerable quandaries.  

Ill stop here.  Just had to get it out.  In a safe place and I’m so grateful to Marty for that.

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12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t like just existing.

I think sense of purpose is one of the hardest things we embark on to develop, at least for me it was.  I found it here in being able to be here for others going through this, that is my draw and purpose.  I don't want anyone facing this alone.  It brings meaning to my life.  I never thought about it before losing George.  I guess my purpose was in him, in living life with him.  Now I live for those I love, including my puppy...that gives me the desire to live life and take as good care of myself as I can.  Sometimes our purpose can shift, such as George (iPraiseHim) desiring to become a pilot...it gave him incentive to lose weight so he could get his license, but then life took even that from him through a heart attack, ironically after taking such great care of himself.  I know you have been through this as you had your volunteering and lived selflessly for bringing comfort to others.  I hope you realize that you mean so much to us here.  You have opened your heart up to us, poured out your innermost thoughts and feelings and been real to us.  We talk about things here that even our siblings don't always know or understand, but we do.  We get each other.  I guess that's been a silver lining to all we've gone through.

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There are no times truly shared that matter.

It seems that sharedness is what lends life meaning, doesn't it?  That we do here.  But sometimes I long to have someone to DO things with, go for a drive, camp, even take walks with, done alone it does not feel the same.  :(

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It is being deeply loved and deeply loving that makes all this worth it.

Yes, I agree.  Last night I talked to my sister Polly and told her how much I LIKE her, not just love, but CHOOSE to have her as a friend!  I told her I feel so lucky to have had my sisters all my life, and that she is not merely my sister by happenstance, but by CHOICE.  So important to tell people these things before...we can't.  As we all know here.  I guess realizing my BIL, Bert, is so close to death has me really thinking...  My sister, Peggy, and I are super close, we help each other get through our day, we talk on the phone every day, sometimes a short call, sometimes a long one, but we've shared our feelings and helped each other through our days.  My little sister, Julie, is not as big on sharing feelings, she''s always busy "doing."  Traveling, working on their place...she's at a different stage than me.  She still has her husband, she's very active and fit, she's nine years my junior.  But we've been through a lot together too.  Her losing her beautiful nearly-two year old (the one born without a brain).  Her son's divorce.  Her daughter's "coming out."  All of them have been there for me through my hardest times, death, divorce, heartbreak over my daughter's marriage as it went south.  My son's marriage as it didn't seem to go as planned.  Such is life, it's full of surprises, some welcome, many not.

As you can see, no answers.  I get my greatest sense of purpose from God my Creator.  I can't imagine anything different, I don't know what it's like to live without Him here, at least I don't feel quite so alone.  But as in the story of the little boy who cried out "I want God with clothes on!"  So would the rest of us like that...for many of us that was our spouse.

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I had a day where I accomplished things I normally would have been very pleased about.  I am glad I did them, but I don’t feel that thrill. A lot is how much pain there is to deal with, but mostly it was I couldn’t 'brag' about it.  Steve would have been amazed how I found a solution for a project by being persistent and following avenues that were an odd path.  Took so many phone calls.  Being stubborn I ignored my body saying to finish later. Now it’s wait and see if it worked.  I miss waiting with him.  Something to look forward to.  Now it’s just counting days and hoping I solved it.  No praise from my partner.  I fixed another thing Steve would  have done and I would praise him with appreciation of something I had been missing.  

Its great you have so many sisters.  I called my cousin as I needed to share these things with someone.  I had also gotten a call from physical therapy and am holding them off till I can talk to my occupational therapist.  That would more days at the facility and my doc wants me to go to the hospital for infusions too.  I don’t want to give up my counseling days.  I don’t want a week where it’s medical every day.  This emphasizes my feeling of why do I exist.  It’s a lot to do to sit around at night by myself.  No goal like my marriage for motivation.  Like George losing all his work to fly, I’ve lost my volunteering.   It’s so hard to have the few things we do get interested in taken away.

now I find out if I overdid it in the morning.  Have counseling and it’s a shower day.  It’s raining tonight but it’s not helping the air quality.  The meteorologists said it is just bringing more of the harmful particles down to the surface.  They said our air is equivalent to sitting in a room full of cigarette smoke.  Wildfire smoke is awful.  I used to smoke and never felt suffocated or had an endless sore throat.  

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Went to the cable store today, discussed streaming(which was hard enough standing 6 feet apart trying to hear the responses through a mask), decided it was worth trying to save about $80 a month, and got the equipment. Then went to the grocery store. When we got home, they had already turned off the cable(which they weren't supposed to do until we called them). So my son started to install the new equipment. It required a new modem\router compatible with the streaming device. The new router does not have enough Ethernet ports to support the connections we need, so streaming will not work for us. Then spent the next 2 hours on the phone getting the cable turned back on. I was able to renegotiate my cost to a little bit less, but not much. It will have to do for now. I find it so frustrating how customer service people just don't listen to what you're saying. I'm sure you have the same problem Gwen, given all that you deal with. I don't remember being that stupid when I provided service to people.

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I know I need to switch to a different internet, I just hate such major adjustment, they want to bundle t.v. & phone, I'm just scared to make the leap.  If I had a husband I'd let him deal with it, sometimes I feel the world is over my head anymore, I feel overwhelmed with all I'm dealing with right now so I put it off.  Enough that I'm super worried about my BIL & sister, leaving Kodie for a few days, both of my kids' impending moves/lives, etc. etc.  Yesterday was a horrid Monday, fighting with Sears/delivery (my washer) as I didn't hear from them and they just showed up but were gone in 5-10 minutes and crossed the hot and cold lines, AND it leaked!  Spent hours trying to get them to come back, got foreigners to deal with, reading from script in singsong voices, ugh.  Finally the neighbor lady and I got it switched and tightened, both of us with bad hands!  THEN the Sears deliverymen showed up, went through pretense of tightening (I'd already tried it out and it wasn't leaking by then) so I hope they didn't over tighten.  Ah, life is a hassle sometimes!  My bank took almost $700 more out for my M/C pmt than they should have and I've fought with them for four days now and it's still not right, grr!  I got a charge on same M/C that I should not have gotten, didn't hear back from the company as they aren't answering the phone during COVID (I'm so sick of that excuse for people to not do their jobs in this technology age!), didn't respond to my email, so I filed a dispute with my bank today.  Seems all I do is struggle and fight with people about things they should do right and don't!

Gwen, I sure wish there was something could be done for your back pain!  I hope they at least have you on pain relievers, I can't get any from my doctor, they don't prescribe them.  Of course not!  THEY aren't the ones in pain! :(

Karen, you're braver than me!  I'm proud of you, you're braver than me!  At least you tried...sounds like we were all having similar days.

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Geez Kay!  The cosmos had it out for you yesterday.  You too, Karen.  I absolutely hate when things don’t go well because people don’t double check their work.  Or something doesn’t fit.  It’s not my job to manage those things, but we often have to.  

I’m holding off on streaming for the same reasons.  I don’t believe it is a simple switch.  I do have my internet and phone bundled and that Steve set up so I’m used to it.  Streaming would probably mean changing not only my DVR but modems and WiFi.  Above my mental pay grade right now.  I depend on TV so much and would probably go insane if something went wrong.  Glad you had your son to help get things back to normal.

I can take lots of Tylenol.  Won’t prescribe me good pain killers because of my anxiety meds.  I have some and take a half in the evening.  I guess combined they could stop my breathing.  I’m pretty resigned the ER is soon in my future as my knee is now going out and walking is getting so curtailed that all this sitting and tasks I do manage are getting dangerous if one or both legs gave out.  Scary enough at home.   Being out without my hospital bag I keep with brand meds and other essentials admittance showed me I keep prepared.  

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Kay,

I have to say that Sears is the absolute worst to deal with on the phone. I can NEVER understand their reps. I sent them an email about this very thing 20 years ago. Obviously, it did no good.  lol  I will say that I've never had a problem with their repair or delivery people though. I hope your washer is working right and not leaking now.

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It was a hard day yesterday.  The projects I did caught up with me and I could barely walk.  I had Zoom counseling and have basically been in a funk since waking up.  I’m so tired of this pandemic, worn out body and seeing so many things I wish I could do.  I noticed all the windows need to be cleaned.  I haves mirror in the fireplace behind the candle that needs it too.  Back in the old days I’d just get what I could while waiting on Steve for TV time.  I looked at my car and it hasn’t been cleaned inside in years.  It’s still a dog mobile and I’ve been stuffing it with canned green beans and distilled water so I don’t have to unload it and trek to the garage when I need them.  (The beans are for the dogs). Now those last twice as long with Ally gone.  Life is all so different from what I knew forever.  The passenger seat that used to be owned by our Golden now has oxygen tanks and masks.  The floor has back up tanks.  I wish I could change it back.  Rewind to a happy time.  I always drove.  Steve thought I went too fast and I hear him say....whoa, slow down, Parnelli.  If I find the money to have it detailed, I still want it left as a dog car.  Melody so rarely goes anywhere so there’s no need, but I’m so tired of my life being chipped away bit by bit.  How much more can I keep erasing leaving life feeling so sterile?  I miss messes that signify life is actively happening.  

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Me too, Kieron, me too.

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Glad you had your son to help get things back to normal.

Nope my son isn't here, he's practically in crisis mode right now with the fires, selling/buying houses, etc.  Smoke is horrific in OR!  But the neighbor lady and I got the washer set up. ;) Leave it to two old handicapped ladies!  :D

Thanks for telling me about the CBD needing to be on it awhile, I didn't realize that, ugh, I hate the strong taste!  I'll keep trying it then.  Smells like cough syrup.

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I noticed all the windows need to be cleaned.

Mine too but I have storm windows and can't remove them by myself, they fall out so easily and one broke, can't get a replacement so duct taped it together, my son got it in and said "Don't touch it.  Don't clean it, don't breathe on it!"  So I leave the blind pulled, it's on my bedroom window, I don't sleep in there anyway.  ;)

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hear him say....whoa, slow down, Parnelli.

:D  I love it!!

 

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I was referring to Karen about having her son there for the streaming cable debacle.  But you old ladies did a great job with the washer.   💪 

I gave up on the outside of windows a long time ago.  Used to use a windex thing you attached to the hose.  No way I can do that now nor the inside with my back.  I keep trying different sleep sides and just get different pain the next day.  I tried giving my left side a break last night by not sleeping on it and now it has what feels like sciatic pain.  Gonna drive me insane one of these days.  I’m already more than halfway there.

guys were just here to haul away the remains of the tree I had downed.  It wasn’t a standout tree in the corner so I don’t notice much difference but my checkbook does.  I can’t believe how great the yard looks now with the deck and landscaping done, but it just sits.  No social use anymore.  It bugged me when it was a mess and depresses me all restored.  No husband, buddies or maniacal dogs making use of it.  It’s a beautiful yard going to waste.  I look out there and hear the echoes of laughter, barking, music.  I miss walking around it myself first thing in the morning to pick up after the dogs.  Steve’s studio door open because he was.....alive.  I was getting out something from his closet and saw his leather coat in the very few clothes I saved.  Touching it took me back to vibrant days of life worth living.  

It’s another day of how did it come to this?  Nothing is permanent, but such drastic change from brimming to empty.  I truly envy you that have someone in your life, friend, kid, sibling.  I know it doesn’t fill the huge void, but it has to help.  I had a couple when I first lost Steve but they’re gone.  I don’t know how I ended up utterly alone.  

I hear the first thing most people want when the distancing restrictions are lifted is to hug someone they have been missing.   I wish I had that to look forward to.  

So to not leave this utterly a bummer, tho maybe too late, I did buy some awesome Russell Stover dark chocolate with coconut.  Move over Mounds, you’ve been outdone!

 

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 After hearing from my doc about how overwhelmed I feel by all the tests he wants me to do and not answering my questions about some lab results, he suggested I do either in or out patient treatment to deal with the anxiety he created.  ???  Yah, that makes sense.  Not. He seems to have forgotten I can barely walk and have to trek daily downtown or even more fun, live in the hospital.  My telemedicine appointment with the back surgeon was cancelled Monday.  Now I have to wait til Thursday for some answers about that.  

On the plus side we are getting some much needed rain.  Hoping for winds to clear out the smoke from the wildfires.  It would be nice to breathe easy again.  See some blue sky.  

Had some major anxiety going to bed last night.   Get so tired knowing the morning will be so lonely and it won’t get better.  I so want to vent to Steve.       

 

 

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8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

he suggested I do either in or out patient treatment to deal with the anxiety he created.

Sheesh, that's so typical.  🙄  Oblivious!  The only thing he can think of is to try to hospitalize you or suggest a group therapy setting? 

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