My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I’m so frustrated with my doctors and the whole health care system.  In reality i see there are some amazing tools that save so many lives.  But those that order them can be misguided by not truly listen to the patient.  I feel I fall into that category.  This is the same guy that brought cancer up to me for a colonoscopy while I’m taking meds and supplements he prescribed that cause much digestive problems.  Call me crazy, but I think taking a good hard look at them first makes more sense than invasive tactics.  Anxiety is a natural reaction to high stress plus mine is a physical disorder too.  I’m tired of being farmed out.  

[Gwenivere]

Need to get Melody’s nails trimmed.  Punched in the gut when I had to tell them Ally was gone.  Another reminder of how grief is always lurking somewhere and can spring on us without warning.  Not that it ever went away.  I was just looking to fulfill a need without thinking of that.  

I have 'medically' related tasks/appointments every afternoon thru Thursday.  I may gripe about having nothing to do, but that is preferable.  Don’t even have my confrontation visit with my doc til a week from Friday.

i don’t know why I keep torturing myself by reading the headlines everyday.  It’s a decades old habit from when the world in all its craziness then made now look sane.  It’s so frustrating to want to be engaged but it causing sometimes physical stress.  I’m not about to develop an interest in celebrities or gardening to replace it.  

I read about Kay’s BIL and see grief just keeps going on and on.  I see it in me and those around me at times and very much more aware of it in the world.  This world I used to laugh sincerely in.  This world I used to enjoy.  This world at most would throw down a speed bump now and then.  I felt more than usually down yesterday and realized it was date night spent alone again.  The dinner from the community center was lackluster and all that was on TV was bland.  I did some minor tasks that upped the physical pain.  I’ve been trying to go to bed earlier to get more sleep but it’s not working.  Something always happens that winds me up with the same tally in the morning.  

A buddy was supposed to come by yesterday but cancelled.  In all this aloneness I was relieved.  Like a zoom call today I should really pass on.  I have nothing to say to anyone that isn’t a downer if I were to talk sincerely.  I know they’d listen, but I know they’ve heard it all before.  So I listen to their accounts of all they have going.  I don’t know if anyone else gets in these dilemmas.  Desperately wanting to connect but the plugs don’t fit right now.  So it’s easier to not even try.  I stay honest with people tho.  Tell them it’s best we don’t talk much about me and I do care about what they have been doing, it’s just hard to hear.  

 

[kayc]

On 9/16/2020 at 2:15 PM, Gwenivere said:

 I can’t believe how great the yard looks now with the deck and landscaping done, but it just sits.  No social use anymore.  It bugged me when it was a mess and depresses me all restored.  No husband, buddies or maniacal dogs making use of it.  It’s a beautiful yard going to waste.  I look out there and hear the echoes of laughter, barking, music.

I totally get what you're saying, that's how I feel about my patio and back yard.  All there are are echoes of times past...

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I read about Kay’s BIL and see grief just keeps going on and on.

I always envisioned my sister going first.  He took care of himself, she didn't.  She eats what she wants, never got any exercise, smokes like a chimney, he was a healthy weight, rode his bicycle, didn't eat the junk she did, never smoked.  But he got the cancer.  Life is weird, I sure didn't expect this.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve seen the same thing, Kay.  There’s no logic to it.  For most, good lifestyles really pay off.  But there are those that defy all the odds against it.   For all the exercise and good eating I did not expect to be so disabled.  It’s like a pianist or artist getting severe arthritic hands. Or great singers getting vocal cord problems.  Life continually keeps showing there is no 'fair'.  

[Gin]

My brother has dementia and is now in the hospital.  He lost his wife a few months back and really deteriorated since.  His daughters thought he would be going to a memory care place but I don’t think so.  They have him restrained almost all the time.  Now he has a UTI and they put him on an IV and a catheter.  He keeps trying to pull them out.  Life gets hard at times.  Gin

[kayc]

Gin, I am so sorry.  My sister also has dementia but she's not to stage 3 yet.  The future scares me, I keep knocking myself back into day, I can't handle tomorrow.  Yes, life has no fair about it and it sure does get hard sometimes!

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

Now he has a UTI and they put him on an IV and a catheter.  He keeps trying to pull them out.  

Gin:  I was sorry to see your brother is failing without his wife.  How sad he has to be restrained.  He is confused and can't understand his situation.  Reading the description of your brother's behaviors  brings to mind the same situation with my Mother who suffered with dementia back in the 90's.  She was in the hospital like your brother and managed to pull out a catheter.  I don't know how she was able to do that.  It is so sad to watch someone you love so much go through this illness.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Gin, I’m so sorry about your brother.  I’ve seen this behavior and it’s hard being so helpless.  That he lost his wife too is so cruel.  My thoughts are with you.  🦋

[Gwenivere]

Frustrating day.  More info on Medicare and new insurance.  All RX related. Found out one wasn’t even on their formulary that is an absolute must and will have to go thru hoops with the RX and a letter from the doc saying it’s essential.  Had messages getting up about that anxiety program which I’ll call back, but does not fit my schedule nor do they work with meds.  Just want to not have to lie to my doc about checking them out.  The other was for an endoscopy he ordered.  I never agreed to that.  When going thru the mail I got a notice my hot water heater will have to be rented from another company than my gas account.  It’s hopefully not a big deal to set up but I’m so tired of making the calls Steve would have handled.  Medicare info is what started the calls today that are confusing and I can’t do much about til November.  Went to OT and the walking in and out was so hard.  I’m supposed to go for PT but I quit last time because I couldn’t do it and I’m worse now.  I’d have to go in to be assessed.  Every day that alarm goes off I feel dread.  The only good news I got today is my leg swelling improved in some places or stayed the same.  

I decided I am angry at Steve today.  Angry he isn’t here to help.  The water heater, drop me close to the door at the clinic, just grab me something I forgot when sitting at the table and had to get up several times.  Logic lost today to emotion.  Don’t give a darn he didn’t have a choice, I’m just pissed off at him for being gone.  

I finally changed my jeans and could barely get them buttoned.  No weight gain, just shifts from so much sedentary living.  Sedentary living because I have to do everything and can’t Not do things that irritate my back.  Result.....more anger at him.  Having a dinner I’m not excited about because it's easy and he left me alone for another night.  Wondering how much of this pain is from being under constant stress because he checked out.  Last night the phone company had problems and *I*, as usual, was on the cell phone with them because it kept tripping the alarm system.  Another Steve job.  

Tried putting digital coupons on my grocery cards but none would let me.  Why today?  Such a simple thing. 

I love you, Steve, but today?  I truly mad at you for this mess my life has become.  

 

[kayc]

Gwen, your day sounds like MY yesterday only on steroids!  I'm sorry you had such a hard day, I hate days like that where everything is an uphill battle.  I tried placing an order with Walmart on line last night as I have my disabled sister with me when I go to town today so don't want to stop there...it said deliver when I put it in my cart then changed it to me picking it up, which I can't and I''m too far away to come back, kind of defeats the purpose of on line ordering, don't ya think?  Tried calling them, got their blasted voice crap that made me want to go ballistic, got hung up on twice when I called, finally gave up and muddled my way through it by myself.  Took me nearly two hours, ridiculous!  Missed most of my cuddle time with Kodie.  
Had to work 1/2 day yesterday, also went for my haircut and forgot they'd moved so was late and had to wait while she worked on someone else.  Not as bad as YOUR day though, I must say!  Although I also haggled with my health ins because I can't get into my account, she said it was my computer blocking it, nope!  No problems with any site but theirs!  She blamed it on my internet, no again!  She said I was yelling at her when I wasn't.  I finally hung up on her.  Turns out they aren't compatible with Chrome, why didn't she just say so!  I called them several times this year about it to no avail.
Still no news on if they've got a contract with Peacehealth for next year or not so assuming not. I hate going through looking for another insurance.  Ugh.  I'd rather take a good beating.

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Tried putting digital coupons on my grocery cards but none would let me.  Why today?  Such a simple thing. 

I love you, Steve, but today?  I truly mad at you for this mess my life has become.  

 

Gwen:  Reading about your yesterday and your anger is understandable.  You asked why do we have so many issues with life anymore; pain; medical appointments, computers, cell phones, appliances not working, etc.  Life with our husbands used to be "simple" and manageable.  Nothing is "simple" anymore at all.  I too get angry.  I realize you, like I, are angry at the universe and not our husband who once gave us an easier life.  The past three days I was struggling to get my driveway, deck and patio cleaned before the rains started.  I kept telling Bob, please give me your perseverance and drive so I can accomplish this.  I struggled to satisfactorily complete my three days of manual labor with lots of pain pills inside of me as I envisioned him working so diligently doing what I have been left to do alone.  Today, will be a welcomed down day and thank goodness the rain is falling nicely. 

In spite of your challenges, I am truly amazed at your perseverance to get through your days alone.  Hugs, Dee

[Kieron]

I'm kind of on the same wavelength.  It's his 64th birthday today, and the angle of the light is just like it is on March 22 when he died, at the opposite end of the year.  Only now, the temperatures are warmer and the color of the sky is hazier and the changing trees add a yellow/orange cast to the light coming through the leaves. 

I still don't know what I am going to do with this place or with myself, and I don't know why I feel like I "should" have it figured out.   I was going through my journal a few days ago, and noticing how chaotic my life was then.  I'm glad it's more settled but the questions remain.

[Gwenivere]

Birthdays are so hard, Kieron.  Steve’s is coming up early November and his passing date late October.  I’m used to it being drizzly and wintering at those times, but it never gets easier.  We still want to celebrate (as we once did) their lives and becoming a part of ours.  One year I tried buying a fancy cupcake for his day and it just made me sad.  I see caramel apples and want to cry.  

I believe it was you that advised someone not to do the 'should haves'.  Now you need to do that for yourself.  I would say that since you are questioning, it’s not the time.  This is from what I have learned about myself.  If I’m not totally committed, I’m not ready.  Your house is a huge thing to decide on opposed to a piece of furniture.  Those are the things I let percolate and wait out til I feel I won’t have to worry about regrets, or at least minimize them.  Nothing will be perfect as there will always be that part of us that knows it is happening because of a terrible loss.  That’s the rub.  All we face now because of a change we didn’t want.  

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Kay and Dee.   I put out more fires today and just dread checking my mail and answering machine in the morning.  The mail was kind....2 movies from Netflix.  The anxiety program my doc referred me to was so not for me.  10 days of trekking to a downtown hospital for 4-5 hours of meetings and counseling I already have.   It annoyed me that the intake woman sounded like she thought my sleeping til noon was something I could change implying there was something wrong with how we lived.  I didn’t see how that affected anxiety and depression.  So I go to bed and get up earlier and I’ll be happier?  Makes no sense.  

I need to buy some larger jeans.  This swelling and lack of activity has changed my thighs and tummy.  I’m way past vanity about it, but all the places I bought them (I wear men’s Levi’s being so tall) are all gone.  I’ll have to order them and hope the next size up is right.  I’d hate to have to return them.  Gone are the days I’d run into Penney’s and the other store doesn’t carry them anymore.  

I don’t know about anyone else, but it sure seemed simpler years ago.  Heck, I know it was.  Just like getting dressed in the morning without med socks, knee supports, a handful of pills, no moaning from pain.  Not trying to figure out how to kill the hours besides living on the phone with problems to unravel.  We used to eat lunch, play with the dogs, go our separate ways most days and  look forward to kicking back for the evening.  Didn’t need wheelchair pads to sit on for aching backs.  We’d play table games that changed to filling med boxes for coming weeks.  

Im amazed at what all of you do too.  We all face so many odds now alone. It’s being these now 'super' beings that is so fatiguing and lonely.  No magic capes like comic superheroes.   

 

[KarenK]

I have always worn Wranglers, even as a kid. They have a style called "As Real As Wrangler" which fits me perfect. I am at the other end of the spectrum being 5ft. tall. Hope the 6 or so pairs I have last till death. I am appalled at the price of jeans!

Silly me, I thought we might have smooth sailing for a while. Dodged a bullet in replacing a toilet flush valve. Googled the problem, tried the fix and it worked for now, knock on wood.

But(there's always a but), my son and grandson no longer qualify for the state health insurance plan. With a raise he received at his new job, he makes too much money. He expected to lose the food assistance and that's fine, but the health insurance is another matter. I have had health insurance since age 19 through my company. I have no idea where or how he can obtain insurance or if he can even afford it. On some fronts, you're almost better off with a low paying job or a very high paying one. You sure don't want to be in the middle. Sure hope neither of them get sick or injured.

 

 

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, Kieron said:

I still don't know what I am going to do with this place or with myself, and I don't know why I feel like I "should" have it figured out.   I was going through my journal a few days ago, and noticing how chaotic my life was then.  I'm glad it's more settled but the questions remain.

Kieron:  Within time I'm sure you will make a decision on what you will do with your home and yourself.  Right now with the country in such upheaval might not open any doors for many.  It is positive that your journal proves you have survived a chaotic time in your past. 

Birthdays and other special days are painful reminders of our loss.  Good thoughts going your way.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Karen, doesn’t Arizona have a healthcare exchange that can sift thru available insurance?  That is what I used in Washington to get mine.  Here they made it very easy. 

I have 3 pairs of brand new jeans I thought would last me the rest of my life with the 4 I have already.  You’re right, they all cost a fortune now.  

[scba]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Nothing will be perfect as there will always be that part of us that knows it is happening because of a terrible loss.  That’s the rub.  All we face now because of a change we didn’t want.  

This is so true.

[Kieron]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I believe it was you that advised someone not to do the 'should haves'.  Now you need to do that for yourself.

You and Dee are both right, of course.  It's the regrets talking, as we know.  And as you say, Dee, with the country being in such upheaval, well, it could be worse for me. 

[kayc]

On 9/23/2020 at 9:55 PM, KarenK said:

I have no idea where or how he can obtain insurance or if he can even afford it.

He can obtain some through the obamacare, government health plan, they'll walk him through it and let him know how much it is over the phone.  He needn't wait for open enrollment as losing one's health insurance qualifies as a "life event." 
https://www.healthcare.gov/coverage-outside-open-enrollment/special-enrollment-period/

                                           

[kayc]

Wow, all of the posts here I can relate to!  Dee, I'm sorry yesterday was so hard! 

Gwen, and you had another trying day!  I'm sorry.  I just found out my sister put me on as executor of her estate and I do not feel qualified or up to it at all, she's leaving everything to her 9 nieces/nephews, I'm going to suggest our brother do this as 1) he's done it before, 2) he's the youngest and still has an intact brain, 3) he has help 4) Five of the nieces/nephews are his kids who stand to benefit.  5) It's stressing me out and my BS was 130 this morning, the highest it's been in nine months in spite of how I'm eating and doing intermittent fasting.  I can't let this affect my health but don't know how to stop it.

[Gwenivere]

I’m surprised your sister didn’t ask you, Kay.  That's a big job and all your reasons for not wanting to take it on make total sense.  Especially your first 4 reasons.  Plus your health has to take priority.  Even if he declines, she needs to 'ask' someone else.  My DPOA is Steve’s former boss and had honorably accepted it.

i sometimes wonder if people think that because we are alone now we are looking to take in any task because we have so much time to fill.  While that is true not being in a relationship now, it doesn’t mean we want projects given to us any more now than then without consideration to make choices.  I’ve had people say things that sting like.....I know you have the time.  Defining word.....MY time.  I may want to spend it crying, staring into space, screaming at the universe or googling zebras.  

Hope you get out this straightened out without more stress.

[scba]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  I’ve had people say things that sting like.....I know you have the time.  

Unfortunately that's a general presumption towards single/divorced/widowed childless women. 

[widow'15]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

I can't let this affect my health but don't know how to stop it.

kayc:  I agree with Gwen, you must consider your health.  Hope you can have the opportunity to speak with your sister and convince her you feel your brother would be in a better place to be executor.  Good Luck.  Dee