My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Found something really interesting to do for a while. Our library(and I'm sure others) is offering free access to ancestry.com until Dec. I know very little about my father's background. So far I've found pictures of my great grandparents and their children. What a hoot! Gotta keep going and  write all this stuff down. My great grandfather was in the Civil War. I'm feeling really old.  lol

[Gwenivere]

Do you know if that covers history outside the USA?  My grandparents all come thru Ellis Island.  So my genealogy line going back from there would involve Ireland and Poland.

[KarenK]

Gwen, I did see names associated with England and Canada while I was perusing. One of the places Ancestry sends you is a website for gravesites which is where I got all my info. Surprisingly, on my father's side I was able to get as far as 4 greats on his mother's side and 3 greats on his father's side. On my mother's side I got as far as 3 greats on her mother's side, but only 1 great on her father's side. Tons of sisters and brothers, but I didn't get into that. I didn't know any of my grandparents. I knew 3 of my grandmother's sisters (mother's side), but my grandmother died with the flu in 1917. It was pretty interesting.

[Gwenivere]

I got a call from a guy where Steve worked coming by today to drop off a memorial poster from the service they had for him.  The company is closing and ran across it.  I don’t know how I’ll handle this.  I want everything about that time behind me.  I was advised by my counselor to take it so I wouldn’t have regrets later.  I guess I’m more dreading this guy will want to talk about him.  I definitely don’t want to do that.  

I was brushing my teeth and thought of something I really wanted to tell Steve as a retort to something we heard a long time ago.  Those are the little moments I miss.  It was clever.  That partnership conversation where anything goes without explanation.  It’d be too much work to explain to anyone you don’t routinely converse with.  

Shows me how entwined we were.  What do I do with this thought now?  What I always do.  Realize the loneliness that envelops me 24/7.  I’m realizing that I have less and less reactions to things with no one to share them with.  It’s like my brain is on half power now, like my heart.  What’s the point of putting much thought into things that were just day to day banter?  I’d been fearing my brain was getting slow.  Fearing early dementia.  But it’s silence.  That deafening silence day and night.  

Its a rainy night that could be so cozy with my husband.  Not to be.

[KarenK]

I sure understand that, Gwen. There were all kinds of little inside jokes that only the two of us shared. I miss that also.

You can bet Steve's co worker will probably want to talk about him. The loss does not stay with others as it does with us. Be gentle on yourself and do the best you can.

Did some more goofing around on ancestry.com and discovered that my half sister died 10 years ago. I never met her and didn't even know she existed until after my father died. I guess she and her mother were taboo. I did speak to her once on the phone and I could tell she was hurt that he had just disregarded her. He had a lot of secrets I guess.

[kayc]

On 10/8/2020 at 1:40 PM, Gwenivere said:

We are switching to fall and getting chilly and damp

I woke up at 4 am today to the sound of deafening rain!  I built my first fire of the season yesterday, I'm glad I did.  Right now I have the door open, listening to the sound of the rain, a welcome sound after 4-5 months of dryness.

On 10/8/2020 at 1:40 PM, Gwenivere said:

Drives don’t inspire me as I’d be alone.

I know, I loved going on drives with George, but not the same alone for some reason.  Although Kodie thoroughly enjoyed his ride on Hwy 58 to the vet's Thursday (it's very different from I5, very scenic and gorgeous!!).

On 10/8/2020 at 1:40 PM, Gwenivere said:

I’ll be 65, alone and holding a health care card instead of a birthday one from Steve.

  I was elated to qualify for Medicare but it's not the greatest coverage, still it's something, and the premium is affordable.  Been so long since I've had George's remembrances, he always made a big deal of my birthdays, it was noticeably different the last 15 years.  I miss getting together with my kids & sisters to celebrate birthdays!  COVID has screwed everything up.  What a year!  Not a good year overall for anything, but I keep looking for good...yesterday it was everyone showing concern, I appreciated that.

 

[Gwenivere]

Got a nice surprise today.  Woke up in the worst pain ever and I know why. My oxygen generator was getting unplugged from the vacuuming, I’m guessing, by the housekeeper.  Not her fault.  So I tried to pull out the power strip to firmly put it back.  Steve had tie wrapped it as he always did with cords.  I had to get on the floor and still couldn’t reach it.  So, cut the tie wraps with scissors when I really needed cable cutters.  I felt the pulling in my right back.  Then I had to get up.  That was a huge task.  Plus I had done a lot of twisting earlier.  Now my only 2 positions of sitting and laying down hurt now.  I haven’t gone back to bed yet, but sitting here usually was a relief.  Not now.  I’m hoping this isn’t permanent as no way someone can live in constant pain.  That is what I relied on sleep for too, that escape.  Knowing when my feet hit the floor I was in it for the day. 

I didn’t take the diuretic I have been as it made me feel lightheaded.  Other things as well that weren’t good.  I’ve only been up a little over 2 hours and feel done with the day.  There’s no place to go, no one to be with, stuck in this body.  Tired of TV and the constant barrage about elections and covid. Driving around and seeing our once cozy neighborhood now filling up with apartments, condos and cars, all the small businesses gone, don’t really know a single neighbor anymore.  Knowing the rains are coming as well as loss of daylight by 4pm latest.  This month starts the season of hell with Steve’s death thru January of all significant personal dates and the holidays.  

It will be 6 years of this crap!  The rage inside me keeps growling.  I know we have a choice on our reactions to things, but isn’t that considering SOME stability?  I know time will change things.  I’m not stupid.  But I feel it would be so nice to have just a little something I can hold onto that endures.  Yeah, I can say my love for Steve.  But it’s not reciprocated.  Memories.  Yeah, got tons of those.  What I’ve collected since he left don’t go in the good column.  That’s when I started breaking down after watching him do that for years.  A nightmare began at our kitchen table in 2009 when he told me he had cancer.  It sealed itself when the surgery said they couldn’t get it all and it would win.  

So I don’t do well when people try and tell me things can get better.  I believe for many they do.  I’m not one.  I’m tired of feeling something is wrong with me because I see the reality of my situation.  It’s so darned easy for others to think what I see coming isn’t so bad.  Yeah, loss of independence is the root of my choices.  And some have been taken away.  

Im babbling as usual.  Too much time.  No one to talk to.  I wish I didn’t waste you alls time with these.  It’s just hard feeling your going insane and not get it out.  If you see long posts like this from me, skip them. 

 

[kayc]

I just found out not only does my statin (23 years now) cause diabetes but two other Rxs (diuretic and inhaler raise blood sugar, I've been on them for 15+ years!  They don't tell us these things when prescribing.

I'm sorry you went through this, Gwen, what a way to start your day!

You aren't wasting our time, we care about you.  Sometimes I just need to get stuff out too, it helps to have a friend, we know what it's like to live alone...

[Gwenivere]

Yeah, the alone life sucks.  If it were by choice (as I have in the past) that would be different.  But back then I had tons of friends, it was great to have my own space.  You can’t go from living with someone for decades to this in any way without discomfort.   

I 'think' I’m a little better today after that night of pain.  At least I got to sleep and am back to bobbling around, still sorer tho.  I have laundry to do but am putting that off as it sheets and that’s hard on the back moving them when wet to the dryer.  I’m just sick of planning my life around pain.  Just like you and your hands.  We just want to do what we need to and always did.  

I got the framed memorial tribute to Steve yesterday afternoon.  It’s very well done but now in the back room where I can’t see it.  It had lots of pictures of him in business attire and playing at gigs.  There was one of him bald showing the effects of the cancer and right then and there my inner voice said nope.  Can’t see this ever again.  So, I am touched they cared so much about him to make this, but I can never put it up.  Plus it has his name and birth and death dates, kinda like a tombstone.  I have the pics of us around the house.  Those are heart tugging enough.  He’s much more gorgeous in those.  

Melody was most anxious I get up today.  Must have been extra hungry.  It’s looking to be another long lonely day.  Can’t even call various places that messed something up and get myself upset.  I just don’t know, even after all these years, how to get thru a day so alone physically and feel anything good or comfortable.

[nashreed]

Oh Gwen, I totally relate. I don't have the pain (and I'm so sorry about that. My wife had almost constant pain and I know what it's like), but I have the long, lonely day thing going on big time. It was nice to have a long, lazy day with Annette, but without her it's just boring.  I could go for another pointless drive, but that's just depressing. I see how my hometown has so completely turned into a slum since I've been gone is hard.  Just yesterday a homeless guy was just laying on the sidewalk on the intersection to home. I guess I should be grateful I have my Mom and brother here- I could easily be homeless. I have my Mom, and I love her, but she's half deaf and (it's horrible to say) but I've heard all her stories. I never got bored with Annette. I could listen to her same stories all day.

Seeing pictures of Annette is starting to just make me sad more than anything. I have pictures up of when she was young because she didn't like to be photographed in the later years because of her weight. She was on Prednisone and, yeah... My memories of her are starting to jumble and it's like I'm in some time loop of past, present and no future all unstuck together. 

I too am starting the season of hell. I don't know how I'll make it through December. I will miss having Fall, as it was my favorite season. There isn't a Fall in California.  Nowhere to go, nowhere to be- I understand. 

Please know I understand and care. Post away!

[kayc]

Ahh, nashreed, that is so sweet!  One thing I've noticed is how caring everyone here is, even in the middle of their own pain, be it inner or physical pain, both are tough, going through both exacerbates it.  

Leaves are changing color here, it's been a weird year though with it being unseasonably hot in September, I think Fall came late and may be short but I'm noticing my vine maple changing color finally (it spans about 60' across and is one of the biggest I've seen, it was the first one on this street!) so enjoy looking out at it.  

I'm hiring someone to paint my house this summer, needs it badly and when he approached me about it we decided on it...between that and buying a generlink and generator, that's all I can handle for now, I hope medical bills don't hit me too high this year!  Still need to find the generator I want but I have a couple of months to decide on one.

14 hours ago, nashreed said:

I too am starting the season of hell.

I'm sorry.  I know Gwen has a hard time in October...it's kind of hard for me as George wasn't here for my birthday again, and it'll be our wedding anniversary on the 19th (Sweetest Day).  This never ends, does it?!

My daughter is packing to move and ran across handmade cards I'd sent them for anniversaries, said it's hitting her hard, the triggers...her soon-to-be-ex will be taking possession of the place after she's out...I told her to leave them for him, they can trigger HIM!

[kayc]

I pretty much adopted this philosophy when my George died...interestingly enough, I thought I had another 40 years of this, which may be spot on as my family lives well into their 90s and I was 52.

[nashreed]

36 minutes ago, kayc said:

I pretty much adopted this philosophy when my George died...interestingly enough, I thought I had another 40 years of this, which may be spot on as my family lives well into their 90s and I was 52.

Gee- I'm so sorry. I truly hope I don't live a long life. I'm not eating that great these days, now that my wife isn't looking out for me and goading me into eating well.  Pearls Before Swine is so depressing these days. Where's the crocodiles?

[Gwenivere]

That’s great Kay!  I know the routine already as I’ve been doing it for years and even more so now.  You are right, this is a hard start to a long time of personally emotional occurrences.  You are facing an anniversary.  I don’t know if it would be easier in the summer.  I know sunshine helps my depression so being forced inside with lights on all day just makes it more intense.  It was hard in the summer seeing all the activity among the families and friends in my neighborhood and driving around.  Now it’s like nature is mourning with me.

[kayc]

I don't think PBS is so depressing as reflective of our times...we are in the most challenging of times.  But for me it's already been that way for over 15 years.  

Not taking care of oneself is hurting and not helping us in the long run...yes we may die sooner, but also making it harder for our demise as we face old age and decline.  I personally am very glad to have finally gotten control over my health.  I have no control over the injuries ravaging my body but at least I have my diet and health under control, I figure it gives me the best possible chance of better vs worse survival.  I'm likely to survive into a long life regardless, the question is just HOW I'm going to do it?!  I don't want dependent on my kids or living it out in a nursing home.  I've seen them in my mom's dementia care center, they look like the walking dead, brains gone, unable to focus on anything.  It kind of makes me wonder what it's like to BE them?!  Personally I'm relieved my mom is out of it now and not going through these times...

[Gwenivere]

If I faced a nursing home, I’m pretty sure I’d end things.  I don’t easily say that as it shocks people.  I’ve seen that life for 25 years.  The only ones that are 'OK' are the ones that don’t understand the situation they are in.  The ones aware have lots of different feelings.  Some have found an acceptable but tend to have been loners before getting there outside their work.  So being there they adapt to more socializing than they want or had.  The ones that had to give up an active lifestyle, lose pets, now visit there than live with their families are more restless.  That leaves the mean ones that take their anger out on anyone in their path.  There are some that are happy.  I’m not sure if they grasp they are never leaving or have a gift of making the best of life, whatever path it takes.  They certainly are the most pleasant to be around.  Except for one who wanted to die, my closest friends I made there were in that category.  Gifted with the ability to makes friends there.

I don’t have a family history of a long life.  None of my family took good care of themselves as far as parents and their siblings and spouses.  Thus was way before there was as much knowledge about diet, exercise, RX addiction and many were alcoholics.  My cousins all live(d) healthy lives but still had shorter life spans.  Multiple conditions and I am following those footsteps.  

This is a most reflective time of life facing the future.  Making decisions that aren’t like any we ever considered.  It used to be what color paint for the kitchen, blinds or curtains, which car will fit us and the dogs.  Now it’s options that are so serious and we didn’t count on doing it alone.  I know Steve and I would hold onto this house as long as possible.  It would be longer for me if he were here.  It would be the same for him.  This is the time we needed to be a team more than ever.  Even if we did depend more services the pandemic stepped up like shopping online and picking things up or delivered.  I just know it would be the togetherness that would keep us going as long as we could.  I certainly didn’t see us so cut down so soon, me 58, he 62.  

2 people I know are getting puppies.  After losing Ally, I don’t want to replace her because it can’t be done, but I’d like a companion for Melody and more life in the house.  We always had 2 dogs, a couple gaps, so we had a fuller family.  I physically cannot do it.  Not even a rescue.  I watch these people all excited, and stressed, and get sad.  They’re adding new life, I’m trying to figure out how to live with less.   Much, much less.

While I’m babbling, I was in the grocers the other day and they were selling bags of classic Hershey Kisses for $1 a bag.  Way back I would have bought at least 15 for people I know and the musicians that were over to play.  I bought 6 and have 3 I’m not sure what to do with.  That hurt.  Where did he and everyone go?  😓

[KarenK]

This Covid crap is finally really starting to get to me. Not that I have anywhere important or exciting to go, but it would really be nice to go into someplace without wearing a stupid mask. The grocery store's parking lot has a short strip mall with a Subway. Just walking the short distance  between the businesses makes me out of breath and even more so with the mask on. It's even hard to breathe getting groceries. I was thinking today how Covid is effectively destroying humanity in more ways than one without a visible weapon. Why worry about nuclear war? We've got Covid!

I've decided to skip the stupid chest x-ray and sputum test. I cough because I smoke. The new little doctor said my lungs were nice and clear. I'm probably just one of his quota for the month and I'd rather avoid all the medical places I can.

I went back as far as I could in the ancestry.com stuff. One of my long ago ancestors was a Potomac Indian chief. One of Ron's was High Sheriff of Essex Aide to King Henry VIII. Pretty interesting stuff that you take with a grain of salt. Not much evening entertainment back then I guess, so they made a lot of babies. One couple had 33 children in 35 years. She was a tough old broad, lived to age 88.  lol

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m not sure if they grasp they are never leaving or have a gift of making the best of life, whatever path it takes.

My sister Peggy is one of those, both in denial about things but also optimistic and doesn't worry about things.  But then she's on antidepressants and has been for many many years.

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Where did he and everyone go?

I know, right?!  I never dreamed I'd end up so alone...and it started young, I was 52.

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

One couple had 33 children in 35 years. She was a tough old broad, lived to age 88. 

Wow!  I can't imagine!  I'd quit having sex long before I reached that many babies!!    No birth control in those days.  I barely survived losing three and having two!

I hear you, Karen, on the COVID, I wish I were back in 2018, before Arlie and Kitty died, before COVID, before my hands were injured, before the snowpocalypse.  I didn't know how lucky I had it.  

[Margm]

We (some friends/relatives) had plans to go have dinner someplace awhile back and now you seem to think "what friends?"  They don't want to do that any more than you do.  No one wants to get out among people except when absolutely necessary.  The strange thing is, when asked to go out you thought "oh, I don't want the bother."  Human nature.

[Gwenivere]

What bothers me is I m starting to think that way, Marg.  I don’t even consider meeting up with someone anymore and dread if someone is coming over.  That is not me!  Or it wasn’t.  The pandemic has effect, but it’s more than that.  My life changing so drastically physically has dragged me down mentally.  Perhaps because of that I see the future for how it will probably play out for me and I don’t see anything fulfilling coming.  Yes, I’m depressed and these are common thoughts.  I have times I’m not in that tho and see the reality of myself, surroundings and possibilities.  I’m being changed into a person I never was.  I’m losing my extrovert basis to lack of connection to others.  I can’t control their disappearance.  I feel like a fire that has been put out slowly.  Now here I am, barely smoldering.  Had to adapt to a single life which I never really had.  It was always full of everything  I needed.  Looking ahead and have tried many things so far, nothing is working out that fulfills me.  And no matter how I try and look at this or do things myself, it always comes back to Steve.  Maybe that is unhealthy.  I can’t shake it no matter what I get done.  It’s the quiet times I see I am a shell of that fiery woman I was with him and the person no one could hold back since I was a child.  I hear and see myself doing things like they matter all day.  I have myself together about tasks/problems.  I get them resolved.  But I can’t fix me.  I was always up for every and any thing and now I can barely stand up and when I do I shuffle around leashed to oxygen.  My dog rarely needs one and here I am always dragging mine around getting snagged constantly.  I started this hours ago and now after hours of another carbon copy day, I’m wiped out from errands.  All I did in counseling is cry again.  I hate when they end because it may be a face and voice on the computer, but it’s a connection.  Everyone is struggling and it makes me so sad and angry.  

[Margm]

Maybe this pandemic has turned us agoraphobic.  I don't even like to ride my country roads anymore.  

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been agoraphobic and this feels anxious, but it’s more there is no place to go, no one to see.  I have this desperate craving to be with people normally and it cannot be done.  Watching the news tonight were more stories about how this is creating so many mental burnouts.  Ramping up existing ones.  So even if you don’t get physically sick from the virus, you can get 'sick'.  

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s the quiet times I see I am a shell of that fiery woman I was with him and the person no one could hold back since I was a child.  I hear and see myself doing things like they matter all day.  I have myself together about tasks/problems.  I get them resolved.  But I can’t fix me.

[Gwenivere]

I scheduled to have my car detailed next Tuesday.  For extra they will remove all my stuff and put it back.  The back is set up from Ally and I don’t want to change it because of Melody.  She doesn’t go anywhere, but I want my dog car.  It’s bittersweet as I so miss Ally.  They will remove all her fur.  All I have left of her, but the front has years of neglect.   So I want it and I don’t.  Grief sure has a way to making everything always overshadowed.  Way back when I’d be so excited.  But I wasn’t carting oxygen and back ups.  It was just......a car.  Didn’t have emergency instructions in case it’s fatal.  No disabled placard.  We used to haul stuff for projects.  Go to places for fun.  Hit drive thru's for goodies.  Dogs always excited no matter what.  Well, except vets when we got there.  

I overdid things physically Thursday and paid dearly yesterday.   Big challenge was a wine bottle that fell out of the car.  Couldn’t open it so had to make it trickle drain as the top shattered under the seal.  I don’t know why I even bother trying to figure out what I do.  Seems being alive is trigger enough.  

Rainy, dismal night heading into the always extra lonely weekend.  

 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, this may sound silly, but why don't you go out to the car with a comb or brush and gather up a bit of Ally's hair, the a little ribbon around it, and put it in a baggie or envelope. Somewhere around here, I have a lock of my toddler? hair that my mother saved. Now that's some old hair. Strangely enough it looks like it was cut yesterday.

Don't think I've dropped anything recently. Worst thing I ever dropped was a new bottle of apple juice in the kitchen. What a mess! Stuff was sticky as hell.