My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

It may be hard for Gwen to do it, but better yet, since they're cleaning it out, why not have them scoop up some of her fur and put it in a ziploc bag?  They're already getting paid to clean it so what will it hurt for them to do that for you?

Hugs....I know this is hard.

[Gwenivere]

Excellent ideas, you two!  I will ask them to do that.  I’m an old lady and Its not surprising if they are weird, right?  I hope they can get enough as I was pulling out big piles always and most will be in the sheet and towels and they won’t be cleaning those.  Can’t get them from the dryer as it mixes with other lint.  All I can do is try.  Going to have them put a clean sheet in there.  Torn on washing the towels as they are clean, just furry.  Her toy is in there too which will stay for now.

[MartyT]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m an old lady and Its not surprising if they are weird, right?

Not weird at all, Gwen. You might appreciate this article: Pet Loss: Keepsake Yarn Spun From Pet Hair  ♥️

[Gwenivere]

Only got out today to pick up the community center meal.  Sat for a bit with a few people til I got too cold.  I didn’t get any physical accomplishments done.  Didn’t make any easing of pain.  I saw how I can fit in anywhere, but I didn’t feel spurred to put anything into becoming a part. They are very friendly.  I can’t blame them as I’m not making an effort.  So it makes no sense in my head.  Even the people that serve up the meals know me and are really nice to me.  All these people get up every day with plans.  I wake up wondering why.  This grief is increasing with the winter coming.  I add in how the docs are expecting me to make choices when I can barely think.   I’m so tired of feeling sick either from meds or stress.  This is going to sound horrible but I don’t know how else to say it, but in my old life, I wouldn’t be mingling with this group.  I’d be back at the nursing home where I love being with residents.  That is my calling.   How I melded in without trying.  Getting so excited about the people there and how they made me feel special.   So I’m learning that not all possibilities we come across are necessary to grab.  My counselor wants me to so I will have to say not all are what we want or need.  I don’t mind the chats on Saturdays, but I know there is no fulfillment in this experience.  

I am trying to figure out how to handle the car detailing.  I pulled out some things to wash, stored some stuff in the garage.  Have a bag out there to put all the little stuff from the front in Monday night.  I realized I better move the important stuff so I can put it back where it belongs easily.  Plus their little things so easy for me.  

Got to talk to a friend from here in the afternoon.  That felt good.  I feel at home here too.  Now on to another day.  I don’t even hope for a pleasant awakening.  Sometimes you just have to be realistic.  

I did splurge and have ice cream I forgot I had for dessert.  Forgot how that had my kids attention as eating in the living room means it’s really good.  Just didn’t have to save some for Ally.  😓

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Torn on washing the towels as they are clean, just furry.

I have made dryer lint cards.  You could easily do this yourself with a mold (they make them with dragonflies, etc).  All you do is take the furry lint when you clean out the dryer screen, put it in a blender with some water, blend it, put it into the mold, take it out and set it on a screen to dry. That way you'd have a piece of her with you always.

[Gwenivere]

I have her paw print in plaster on my mantle.  No mistaking that it’s hers.   So darned miss her with 2 people I know getting pups.  I don’t want a pup.  I want her, my best buddy.  This is so different than after losing Steve and Belle.  I was in shock then and had all this excess energy.  Glad I did get Melody or I’d be totally alone.    

[kayc]

I wish the place I had Arlie euthanized did paw prints in clay, that would have been nice to have.  I tried doing Arlie before he died and he took off running, black paint splashing all over, took me an hour to clean it up!  I'm a slow learner, and tried once again, again, another hour cleanup.  But I treasure that ink print, I think of it as "Paw Print in Motion" and have it posted in my kitchen where I can see it every day.  It brings me a smile at the memory...

I also have one we did after he died, but the one in motion I treasure the most...that was him.

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, kayc said:

I also have one we did after he died, but the one in motion I treasure the most...that was him.

I so understand Kay.  I know I couldn’t have gotten a good one from Ally when she was active.  Yours give you another memory of Arlie.  Not fun at the time, but now a good thing.

My Monday was intense.   Went to OT and I had slipped a bit on the leg swelling.  Not too bad, but the walking in and out and getting dressed again didn’t help.  I emptied the car of little things as it’s being detailed Tuesday and glad I have counseling as I am a prisoner here for the day.  Just hoping I don’t wake up like today from dreams about Steve that were very frustrating and then I couldn’t shake his voice from my head singing a song I always loved, a signature song called Don’t Think Twice. I always melted when he sang that as it really showed off his voice.  The dreams were hard as I couldn’t get him to take seriously stuff that was happening and I felt hurt.  He was doing other stuff and I needed his attention.  Probably reflecting how my real life stuff has been making me feel so alone.  

Pain is really bad too.  Always adds to the grief.  I am washing towels from the car that cover seats, but not the furry ones or Ally’s stuffed Snoopy to put back.  So she’ll still have left me some fur.  I have to wash the sheet in the back when they change it as it’s gotten wet too many times so it smells.  I did find a rolled up paper towel I keep in a console crevice with fur on it and it’s going right back too as is.  

I must be a masochist.  I stopped 2 places on my way home after the long OT walk.  I just so hated coming home today after the dreams.  Mel shook me out of that a bit as she wanted dinner and was not shy about telling me so.  I got her back by doing laundry.  She hates the washer from when it’s gotten unbalanced and makes horrid noise.  

Hoping for a better morning and surviving being homebound.  Hoping I can walk!  Hoping I don’t feel sick like usual as I have to deal with the car people right after I get up.  It’s so weird getting something done that was once a treat and now a pain.  It’s what I would have asked Steve for my birthday next month.  Then the former kids could mess it up for another year.  I know it sounds silly, all this, but I could cry and the evening is young.

[KarenK]

I am still having dreams that make no sense and I don't sleep soundly. I have slept with one eye open ever since Ron got cancer. For the past couple of months a scary thing has been happening. I wake multiple times and each time I hallucinate spiders and red or yellow dots on the ceiling. They fade away in a couple of seconds. Today it was a big moving spider right next to my head. It seemed so real that I sat up and yelped. Marley looked up at me like "What the heck?" I know I'm not crazy but this is something new for me. My son said it's probably from sleep deprivation. Could be, but I sure don't like it. Almost makes me afraid to sleep, so I don't wake up and see things that aren't there.

[Gwenivere]

That would really scare me too, Karen.  I already dread going to sleep just for the depression that is what waking up is now.  The added withdrawl of my daily meds too, so I’m shaky.  Seeing things not there would freak me out even if I knew they weren’t there.  That’s a lot of years to be battling that.  Sleep is so essential and where we get hit the hardest a lot.  I don’t know about you, but I often feel I am losing it beyond the usual forgetting words or why I went into a room.  I can forget a buddies dogs name for a day that I’ve known for years.  My SS number.  I’ve messed up on calls that want basic info to authenticate you.  Stuff you’d rattle off long ago.  I’m really tired of forgetting where I put things because it’s logical and either finding it elsewhere or looked right at it and not seen it where I did put it. All this virus burn out and politics doesn’t help either.  Have been hearing lots of talk of burnout and that’s people not battling grief too.  Sleep used to feel so good.  The bed so inviting.  I feel like I sleep too deep.  Light or deep, if we don’t get true rest, we’re screwed.  

[kayc]

Karen, I hope you talk to your doctor about it, do any of your medicines have that as a side effect?

Gwen, I found a bunch of Arlie fur on the underside of my couch...I left it as is.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I often feel I am losing it beyond the usual forgetting words or why I went into a room.

Some of that is expected as we age but greatly exacerbated by stress and pain!  My brain is not working as well as it used to, that's for sure!  But I do my best with it and keep mentally active.

I talked to a friend who is going through the same thing with her hands, she's had it 5 months, I have over 7 months, her doctor has her on pain pill, mine, nothing.  Even the orthopedic doctor only recommends Tylenol (which does nothing for me) or Ibuprofen (which is bad for stomachs).

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I am absolutely astounded you weren't given any pain pills by your main doc to get you thru til the evaluation and them not offering better relief.  There are ways to take narcotics without getting hooked.  That’s why they monitor for after surgeries to avoid it.  I have my one pill a day that I split.  My pain laughs at OTC meds.  But I have to use them too.  Can’t use ibuprofen either.  So no anti inflammatory help.

[Gwenivere]

Planning on a frustration day Thursday.  Calling my expiring insurance about double billing now including my credit card as well as checking and SS about their drug assistance program.  I also have a recommendation from a Washington Health Care advisor on better supplemental coverage.  That would mean doing the whole sign up thing again.  As she is an expert and set me up with the insurance I have now which was great, I know she knows her stuff plus she sent the info to compare.  Part of me says don’t sweat it.   A bigger side says I have to investigate it.  It will be a pain to switch what I set up.  This will be hours on the phone with various places.  I racked 15 last go round.  I’m just whiny as sleep and pain have been bad and I tired of playing whack a mole.  

Have to go to the lab this weekend and my doc wants to refer me to an endocrinologist as he can’t devote the time to work out my meds because of the business medicine has turned into limiting his time on visits.  I don’t know what I’m going to do for our November appointment.  I won’t have changed plans by then if I do.  Luckily I filled all my meds for 3 months.  Now I have to get all the new coverage numbers in place for billing.  Hoping telemedicine visits are covered.  No reason to go in person and the virus is surging here already.  More good news....not.

Next week will be 6 years Steve has been gone too.  

Does anyone remember what a normal day felt like 'cause I sure don’t!

[KarenK]

I last saw "normal" in the late 80's. That was when my family and I were healthy and happy, we had good jobs, finances were good. Although we were far from rich, we took trips and vacations. I've had to adjust to a "new normal" so many times over the years due to illnesses, deaths, and various circumstances that it's just a way of life for me. Each adjustment I've had to make takes a little more out of me and the older I get, the harder it is to adjust. There really is no other choice.

[kayc]

I posted here yesterday, it's not here now, don't know what happened to it.  I don't envy you any, Gwen!  I feel I have too much on my plate to look into switching right now, so admire your efforts.  Times like this I miss my husband, gosh it's hard on every single level, isn't it!

Karen, I know you have (new normals) many times, I just wish this wasn't our lives, seems like it's getting harder!

[Gwenivere]

On 10/21/2020 at 11:33 PM, KarenK said:

Each adjustment I've had to make takes a little more out of me and the older I get, the harder it is to adjust. There really is no other choice.

There are choices, but none are very pretty.  I like the way you worded it.  It does keep getting harder when you are losing something with every adjustment.  Not growing, improving or learning anything like it was.  I feel I keep getting more hollow and if you were to yell into my heart, the echoes keep getting louder.  

Sobbed myself to sleep last night.  Had the screaming too.  Been a long time on that.  It had been just smother either empty or finding more problem day with the added extra hard walking in the stores I needed to go to.

************************

wow, wrote the above a couple days ago and forgot.  The editor or system doing maintenance must have hid it.  

Its Saturday now and I woke up in as much pain as I usually go to bed in after a long day.  This concerns me as I need to get a blood test and take a shower.  I’m thinking of taking my hospital bag In case something happens as I have all the stuff I’ve learned to have if you get admitted.  I'd be up a creek without my iPad and brand meds if something happened.  This just keeps getting more depressing every day.  

Was reading an article about the term 'back to normal' and how inaccurate that is.  It will never happen from the sociologist perspective.  They used 9/11 as an example with how travel changed forever.  We may open up again, their preferred term, but they predict masks, more distance in public places, no handshakes or much physical contact (there were a lot of examples) will Be the norm. We will live in a very changed world.  Unfortunately, it won’t be restricted to just travel.  I had that feeling all along as I’ve watched this unfold.  Society is already learning to chug along in more isolation. What this will mean to social connections thru work and other large and even small gatherings will really affect our sense of community from centuries of how we interacted.  They also addressed the already hardship of loss thru death in how we are living.  The people experiencing that now, like some of the new people here.  

We’ve had so much to adapt to.  I wonder how much more we can and thrive.  This is 'easier' on younger people as they don’t have decades of the freedom we older did.  I know they struggle about traditions like graduation.  But you have so much more energy and are not engrained yet to what life is so they will probably fare better.  

I don't know why I’m babbling about this. I guess because I’m lonely as always, there was no new posts to read to feel connected here, the glance at the news was sad as always and my day even more challenging than I expected.  I’d call a friend if I wasn’t such a downer and wayyyyyyy back when I’d get to talk to Steve.  He could drive me to the lab and drop me off closer, be here while I showered if needed, give me a sense of safety I never have anymore.  Even from getting wound up inside about the future.

Future.  What an odd word that has become since my world shattered years ago. 

 

[Kieron]

I was just thinking this last evening, Gwen.  I went to see my folks for a bit and haul their deck furniture, outside hose etc to the garage for the winter so that they didn't have to deal with that, just kind of kept mostly apart, chatting etc.  We get along just fine, but I felt weird the whole time and was actually quietly wondering if I have already been "rewired" to be less willing to interact with other people beyond going to the store etc.  It was an unsettling feeling, and on top of that I'm really quite aware of how fast time is passing and they are getting older and less able.  I didn't bring up anything related to it to them, but I am sure they are discussing it between themselves.

I'm reminded of Bonnie Raitt's out-of-the-ballpark hit Nick of Time.

https://youtu.be/Dy8gHfGIS_A

"When did the choices get so hard / With so much more at stake / Life gets mighty precious / When there's less of it to waste."

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

My internet went out when I wanted to post the last couple of days.  Yesterday I had a day from hell, start to finish.  It actually got laughable!  Nothing big in and of it'self but even Kodie was a pill!  Today was better.

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Yesterday I had a day from hell, start to finish.  It actually got laughable!  Nothing big in and of it'self but even Kodie was a pill!  Today was better.

kayc:  Good to hear today was a better day.  I understand what you mean when you say some days are so awful, they are laughable.  It can be so difficult some days remembering how to laugh is impossible.  Take care, Dee

[Gwenivere]

On 10/24/2020 at 4:24 PM, Kieron said:

I'm reminded of Bonnie Raitt's out-of-the-ballpark hit Nick of Time.

Thanks for posting that.  I hadn’t heard that song in a long time.  It was a bit tough hearing the end of finding love in the nick of time.  

I’m like your parents.  Less and less able and that’s tough to take.  I think of the tasks I did today and while they now seem like big accomplishments, they really were little things I could have knocked out like nothing years ago. Nothing to pat myself in the back for.  Hard sitting with all these things in my head I’d like to do and sorting out what is possible.

it was hard watching with my own parents and now I am there.  

Had a hard time today.  Another Zoom call and as I saw in a SNL skit, Miss 3 D interactions with people I know.  Visiting the church to support their food program, watched the tent city that has totally taken over a local small park.  It’s becoming a dangerous place with many mentally unbalanced people, drug dealers coming by all the time blatantly as Seattle has defunded the division that seriously deals with this.  The place is totally vandalized, it’s signs, trees, expanded onto the kids area.  It’s so sad to see in our once calm, safe neighborhoods.  

Had an anxiety attack when sleeping.  That was unsettling as I could not do something I should have and knew I’d have to tell people that were counting on me and they’d be so disappointed in me.  

Couldn't walk as usual.  Got woken up by the neighbors using a chain saw early.  

Another day I wonder why I even bother.  Even my dog didn't want to play ball with the noise.  Now another week starts so the problems will reignite starting with a repair call with my dishwasher.  It won’t be simple.  It never is in my life anymore.  Maybe I’ll be surprised.  The usual 4 hour window to wait.  Lovely.  The time I would be free to go as Steve would be here.  

Never gonna get used to this.

 

[widow'15]

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Never gonna get used to this.

Gwen:  Sorry to read you had an anxiety attack while sleeping.  How frightening that must be.  I hope you woke easily and were able to catch your breath somewhat.

I hear you with your closing statement.  I won't ever get used to this way of living either, and another excuse of mine is I'm too old to learn any other way to live as my old body is falling apart piece by piece.  Thank goodness I am a list maker or I wouldn't know how to get through my day. 

Take care, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Dee, the aging thing is definitely making things tougher.  Or rather, the problems it brings.  Pain, fatigue, yup...things failing bit by bit.  Last night I was googling several supplements for age or effects of medications for them.  I don’t know if it’s just me, but time seems to be going faster.  I’m so aware of things getting worse.  Seems in my 40 and 50's it was slow and surprising.  A little ache here or there, slow loss of flexibility, etc.  The last year plus things hit with a wallop.  

The anxiety I’ll never get used to.  Had the disorder for over 30 years now.  

Ah yes, the 'to do' lists.  Have them everyday.  If I actually get them all done it’s remarkable.  Of course, the bar isn’t very high these days.  

[MartyT]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know if it’s just me, but time seems to be going faster.

Not just you, Gwen. ". . . when you are young and experiencing lots of new stimuli—everything is new—time actually seems to be passing more slowly. As you get older, the production of mental images slows, giving the sense that time passes more rapidly." -- Physics explains why time passes faster as you age  ♥️

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The last year plus things hit with a wallop.

One of my pet peeves is when someone asks me about my hands and I tell them the pain is severe, day and night, no relief ever and someone 85 pipes up and says, "Oh, you're just a youngster!"  dismissive of my pain.  I knew someone who lived to 95, never had pain.  Age is a number, it's HOW you're aging.  Not like I haven't tried to take care of myself this year!  It's ironic I'm hit with this now of all times, when I'm doing my level best.

[kayc]

14 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Not just you, Gwen. ". . . when you are young and experiencing lots of new stimuli—everything is new—time actually seems to be passing more slowly. As you get older, the production of mental images slows, giving the sense that time passes more rapidly." -- Physics explains why time passes faster as you age  ♥️

It's the opposite for me.  When I was raising my family, when George was here, time passed faster because we were LIVING it, and had some good times in there.  Now, with loneliness, pain, no support system, it feels time is unending, looming before me because everything I'd looked forward to in my retirement is gone with George and pain.