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It may be hard for Gwen to do it, but better yet, since they're cleaning it out, why not have them scoop up some of her fur and put it in a ziploc bag?  They're already getting paid to clean it so what will it hurt for them to do that for you?

Hugs....I know this is hard.

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Thank you, dear Kay ~ but this site belongs to all of us, and it is our members (like yourself) who help to make it the very special place that it is. So congratulations to ALL of us! ❤️

I don't know if any of you saw it or not, but Marty received "best monitored award" for a grief site, that is a big deal!  https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333 CO

Ally’s gone.  It went differently than other times which will haunt me for awhile.  Don’t want to type details.  Am so very grateful my buddy was here as he knew her so well and got to say goodbye.  V

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Excellent ideas, you two!  I will ask them to do that.  I’m an old lady and Its not surprising if they are weird, right?  I hope they can get enough as I was pulling out big piles always and most will be in the sheet and towels and they won’t be cleaning those.  Can’t get them from the dryer as it mixes with other lint.  All I can do is try.  Going to have them put a clean sheet in there.  Torn on washing the towels as they are clean, just furry.  Her toy is in there too which will stay for now.

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Only got out today to pick up the community center meal.  Sat for a bit with a few people til I got too cold.  I didn’t get any physical accomplishments done.  Didn’t make any easing of pain.  I saw how I can fit in anywhere, but I didn’t feel spurred to put anything into becoming a part. They are very friendly.  I can’t blame them as I’m not making an effort.  So it makes no sense in my head.  Even the people that serve up the meals know me and are really nice to me.  All these people get up every day with plans.  I wake up wondering why.  This grief is increasing with the winter coming.  I add in how the docs are expecting me to make choices when I can barely think.   I’m so tired of feeling sick either from meds or stress.  This is going to sound horrible but I don’t know how else to say it, but in my old life, I wouldn’t be mingling with this group.  I’d be back at the nursing home where I love being with residents.  That is my calling.   How I melded in without trying.  Getting so excited about the people there and how they made me feel special.   So I’m learning that not all possibilities we come across are necessary to grab.  My counselor wants me to so I will have to say not all are what we want or need.  I don’t mind the chats on Saturdays, but I know there is no fulfillment in this experience.  

I am trying to figure out how to handle the car detailing.  I pulled out some things to wash, stored some stuff in the garage.  Have a bag out there to put all the little stuff from the front in Monday night.  I realized I better move the important stuff so I can put it back where it belongs easily.  Plus their little things so easy for me.  

Got to talk to a friend from here in the afternoon.  That felt good.  I feel at home here too.  Now on to another day.  I don’t even hope for a pleasant awakening.  Sometimes you just have to be realistic.  

I did splurge and have ice cream I forgot I had for dessert.  Forgot how that had my kids attention as eating in the living room means it’s really good.  Just didn’t have to save some for Ally.  😓

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17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Torn on washing the towels as they are clean, just furry.

I have made dryer lint cards.  You could easily do this yourself with a mold (they make them with dragonflies, etc).  All you do is take the furry lint when you clean out the dryer screen, put it in a blender with some water, blend it, put it into the mold, take it out and set it on a screen to dry. That way you'd have a piece of her with you always.

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I have her paw print in plaster on my mantle.  No mistaking that it’s hers.   So darned miss her with 2 people I know getting pups.  I don’t want a pup.  I want her, my best buddy.  This is so different than after losing Steve and Belle.  I was in shock then and had all this excess energy.  Glad I did get Melody or I’d be totally alone.    

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I wish the place I had Arlie euthanized did paw prints in clay, that would have been nice to have.  I tried doing Arlie before he died and he took off running, black paint splashing all over, took me an hour to clean it up!  I'm a slow learner, and tried once again, again, another hour cleanup.  But I treasure that ink print, I think of it as "Paw Print in Motion" and have it posted in my kitchen where I can see it every day.  It brings me a smile at the memory...

I also have one we did after he died, but the one in motion I treasure the most...that was him.

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17 hours ago, kayc said:

I also have one we did after he died, but the one in motion I treasure the most...that was him.

I so understand Kay.  I know I couldn’t have gotten a good one from Ally when she was active.  Yours give you another memory of Arlie.  Not fun at the time, but now a good thing.

My Monday was intense.   Went to OT and I had slipped a bit on the leg swelling.  Not too bad, but the walking in and out and getting dressed again didn’t help.  I emptied the car of little things as it’s being detailed Tuesday and glad I have counseling as I am a prisoner here for the day.  Just hoping I don’t wake up like today from dreams about Steve that were very frustrating and then I couldn’t shake his voice from my head singing a song I always loved, a signature song called Don’t Think Twice. I always melted when he sang that as it really showed off his voice.  The dreams were hard as I couldn’t get him to take seriously stuff that was happening and I felt hurt.  He was doing other stuff and I needed his attention.  Probably reflecting how my real life stuff has been making me feel so alone.  

Pain is really bad too.  Always adds to the grief.  I am washing towels from the car that cover seats, but not the furry ones or Ally’s stuffed Snoopy to put back.  So she’ll still have left me some fur.  I have to wash the sheet in the back when they change it as it’s gotten wet too many times so it smells.  I did find a rolled up paper towel I keep in a console crevice with fur on it and it’s going right back too as is.  

I must be a masochist.  I stopped 2 places on my way home after the long OT walk.  I just so hated coming home today after the dreams.  Mel shook me out of that a bit as she wanted dinner and was not shy about telling me so.  I got her back by doing laundry.  She hates the washer from when it’s gotten unbalanced and makes horrid noise.  

Hoping for a better morning and surviving being homebound.  Hoping I can walk!  Hoping I don’t feel sick like usual as I have to deal with the car people right after I get up.  It’s so weird getting something done that was once a treat and now a pain.  It’s what I would have asked Steve for my birthday next month.  Then the former kids could mess it up for another year.  I know it sounds silly, all this, but I could cry and the evening is young.

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I am still having dreams that make no sense and I don't sleep soundly. I have slept with one eye open ever since Ron got cancer. For the past couple of months a scary thing has been happening. I wake multiple times and each time I hallucinate spiders and red or yellow dots on the ceiling. They fade away in a couple of seconds. Today it was a big moving spider right next to my head. It seemed so real that I sat up and yelped. Marley looked up at me like "What the heck?" I know I'm not crazy but this is something new for me. My son said it's probably from sleep deprivation. Could be, but I sure don't like it. Almost makes me afraid to sleep, so I don't wake up and see things that aren't there.

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That would really scare me too, Karen.  I already dread going to sleep just for the depression that is what waking up is now.  The added withdrawl of my daily meds too, so I’m shaky.  Seeing things not there would freak me out even if I knew they weren’t there.  That’s a lot of years to be battling that.  Sleep is so essential and where we get hit the hardest a lot.  I don’t know about you, but I often feel I am losing it beyond the usual forgetting words or why I went into a room.  I can forget a buddies dogs name for a day that I’ve known for years.  My SS number.  I’ve messed up on calls that want basic info to authenticate you.  Stuff you’d rattle off long ago.  I’m really tired of forgetting where I put things because it’s logical and either finding it elsewhere or looked right at it and not seen it where I did put it. All this virus burn out and politics doesn’t help either.  Have been hearing lots of talk of burnout and that’s people not battling grief too.  Sleep used to feel so good.  The bed so inviting.  I feel like I sleep too deep.  Light or deep, if we don’t get true rest, we’re screwed.  

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Karen, I hope you talk to your doctor about it, do any of your medicines have that as a side effect?

Gwen, I found a bunch of Arlie fur on the underside of my couch...I left it as is.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I often feel I am losing it beyond the usual forgetting words or why I went into a room.

Some of that is expected as we age but greatly exacerbated by stress and pain!  My brain is not working as well as it used to, that's for sure!  But I do my best with it and keep mentally active.

I talked to a friend who is going through the same thing with her hands, she's had it 5 months, I have over 7 months, her doctor has her on pain pill, mine, nothing.  Even the orthopedic doctor only recommends Tylenol (which does nothing for me) or Ibuprofen (which is bad for stomachs).

 

 

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