My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

18 hours ago, kayc said:

Age is a number, it's HOW you're aging.

Soooooo true, Kay!  I hate when I feel invalidated by older people as their bodies have fared better than mine.  I didn’t make this stuff happen so I could be miserable.  That’s nuts.  Yet, the never ending advice keeps coming.  Why I sometimes avoid some people or don’t talk about me thus creating a lopsided connection.  

 

18 hours ago, kayc said:

Now, with loneliness, pain, no support system, it feels time is unending, looming before me because everything I'd looked forward to in my retirement is gone with George and pain.

Another agreement there too.  

I read the article, Marty, and get the physics.  But he didn’t factor grief in.  It was day to day living in youth and older age.   

Feeling terribly down today as it was glaring with how I attempt to fill all this time I have now.  How unfulfilling tasks can be when you are doing TO kill time, not necessarily because you need or want to.  Every time I checked the time do little had passed.  Or it would pass on boring errands and then I’d feel rushed when I got home because I keep a rigid routine, the only thing I try and have some control over in the loss of so much of that.  

My doc again left me a message about iron infusions after the many times I’ve told him I can barely walk to get into places.  I also think they are done in the hospital where Steve went thru his cancer life sentence.  I can’t/won’t go in there anymore.  

Mail had approval for back surgery for 2 days ago.  A call to them on over payment said they were still processing after weeks.  Had lost the check number but didn’t tell me.  I want my money back!  

The repairman for the dishwasher couldn’t fix anything because the source of the leak couldn’t be identified.  I’m so used to to things not going right I didn’t get very upset.  It’s a slow leak so I have to do some stuff that will nail it down.  It might be in the plumbing.  

Then my counselor left a message about my bill.  I know he messed up his bookkeeping, but I have to reconstruct all my payments to show him I’ve now overpaid as he cashed a check I replaced that had been lost in the mail in June.  He moved to CA so his mail is all messed up.  Anyway, more legwork for me like with my insurance and Medicare.  

I’m so tired of all this crap.  Add in the stress of this virus and being alone and it’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed.  I so hate waking up.  I have a session today with my counselor and I’m stressed by this bill thing.  It has to stay separated.  So how do I do counseling about my stress when that’s part of it?  Thus is nuts.  

I think this is a sob to sleep night.  I’ve never felt such a lonely day.  Too much pain and feeling like I can’t keep this up.  Steve’s anniversary the 29th to kick off a long haul of dates and DST ending and more darkness.

I want Steve, Belle and Ally back  It’s that simple.  And I’ve been riding this reality for 6 years soon.  These are our anniversaries now?  (Rhetorical) 😢

[kayc]

Gwen, I can so relate with your hassles.  Didn't sleep well last night because of the stress. I have to prepay or they cancel my surgery and they didn't send a code to their portal so it won't let me register to find out how much to pay & do it, they don't answer their phone and won't get back to me, I feel stuck!  Of course this place is 60 miles away.

[Margm]

Well, I got 3-4 hours.  Kelli's fur baby had to be taken emergently to vet and thought she was going to lose her.  She has been crying all morning but finally some good news.  She is pepping up after the IV's..  A stomach infection.  She had lost so much blood they thought they were going to have to do a blood transfusion.  Believe me Gwen, we old people don't feel superior at all.  We just know we are closer to the end and you've got more fight in you than we do.  Nawlin's (fur baby) is at least 11 or 12 (cannot remember right now).  If I take a nap (I think this is Tuesday, I will think it is Wednesday when I wake up and I lose more days that way.  I have been known to take medicines twice.  I hate no structure at all.  I'm not good at structure when there are normal times and I don't remember close to normal, or what it was, or what it used to be, or if there is such a word.

 

[Gwenivere]

What annoys me is structure has become so rigid for me now.  We had a basic structure that was ours and we each had ones unique to ourselves based on interests in the world.  Without him, my physical breaking down and the pandemic, my life is the same day after day.  It’s almost OCD like. That’s because there is no catalyst for spontaneity.  With walking becoming harder, loss of volunteering and most options medical procedures or tests, the motivation about life is being sucked out of me.  I want human contact, but not that way.  

'Normal' is a word from my past.  I have a few choice words for what I call things now, but I couldn’t print them here.  Unless everything going wrong, overcomplicated or creating one mess after another I assign that word to, then it fits.  

[nashreed]

I so totally understand how it is to have a life where every day is the same and there's really no point to any of it. 

Me and Annette were not social people, and we had a routine and it was the same every day more or less, but it was always interesting because of her personality and how funny she was, and I could be myself and joke and it made it fun, even if we just stayed home all the time. On my days off, we played UNO and we always had something to talk about.\

I'm lucky to be able to live my mother and brother (I could easily be homeless if they didn't own the mobile home I grew up in), but it's just not "fun", because they're just different from me now. My Mom is really hard of hearing, and I have the worst voice ever-no presence, no carry- and she can't understand me half the time. I can tell you exactly what her response to anything will be. I've heard all her stories. Maybe I'm being selfish. It's good to have company, but her routine is exactly the same every day. I'm lucky she allows me time in the evening to play music- it's really all I have to look forward to. With Annette my days had purpose, I took care of her. My Mom is pretty independent (I mean, thank God for that at least), I certainly wouldn't want to take care of her. I would if needed, but I just don't know if I could ever be as "on" as I was with Annette. I was always on alert for any problems she had, and actually was very, very stressed and worried all the time. I'd give anything to be that stressed again.

 

[kayc]

I'm not sure I know what normal is anymore.  Is there such a thing anymore?

Marg, I'm glad Kelli's furbaby is going to be okay.  They mean more to us than anything, esp. in this crazy world, we need them.

 

[shebert56]

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

.With Annette my days had purpose, I took care of her.  I was always on alert for any problems she had, and actually was very, very stressed and worried all the time. I'd give anything to be that stressed again.

 

Be kind and gentle to yourself.  You not only lost Annette (and I stress the physical Annette), but you also lost the caretaking roll.  It takes a while to find a new path, a "different you," and I'm not sure any of us wake up one morning and say we know the path.  It's a journey of this physical life.  But it's also a journey of the soul as well.

I found several channels on YouTube that although don't speak to losing a spouse in particular allow for listening to some amazing speakers and mediums regarding afterlife - and I watch them almost daily.  It's a gentle reminder that those across the veil are still here with us.  PM me if you'd like more info.

~Shirley

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

6 years ago I lost Steve today.  I don’t know how I feel inside.  Numb would be the closest.  I’ve spent my waking hours so far on more medical calls that should have been simple but never are, preparing to go out and do my list for the day and had thought about going to the ER for the excruciating hip and leg pain.  Can’t bring myself to go in there, plus they would only point me back to the very docs driving me crazy.  The most they could do is imaging to send them.  That might help, but I can’t do it.  

I sent out a message about this anniversary to his closest friends.  Half replied.  Some addresses may be out of date.  I asked them to toast him tonight as he so loved them all.  

It will be a day like others tho I carry him with me more in awareness.  How my life changed with a phone call that morning.  How I could call everyone a sobbing mess that I cannot now.  It’s been too long for them for that.  I haven’t even cried yet and don’t know if I will.  I do know I don’t care about anything today beyond hoping my leg doesn’t choose today to give out.  This sounds all about me and it is.  He’s gone.  I’m the aftermath of war.  Lost not only him but my job as his caregiver that made that tie the closest it could be.  6 years ago my world collapsed and it’s a day to be so aware of the wreckage I navigate daily.  

[Gin]

I know what a rough time this is for you.  Last year, only my niece remembered Al. Thinking about you today.  Gin

[Margm]

I tried to let the 17th just slide on by.  Scott went into his depression with his bipolar though and I could not make it any other day than just all of them are the same.  He is coming out of it some now.  He just gets quiet and holds it inside.  Billy was like that, but would never have admitted to being depressed.  He had high blood pressure and as head of the laboratory where he worked he would not have anyone do anything he wouldn't do.  He retired and his blood pressure all of a sudden was normal.  Of course it later on came back because of his kidney arteries.  My heart is with you Gwen because no words help at all.  

[Kieron]

I'll just leave this here...

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 6 years ago my world collapsed and it’s a day to be so aware of the wreckage I navigate daily.  

Gwen:  As I was getting dressed for my appointment today I made a mental note to send you a note thinking that tomorrow, six years ago,  was the date you lost your Steve.  So sorry to read your feelings you're experiencing today.  It is so difficult getting through these days.  Please know you are in my thoughts.  Hugs, Dee

[KarenK]

Thinking of you and wishing for some sense of peace for your soul, Gwen.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, everyone.  Today every single thing went wrong.  I wrote them all out but it’s tedious reading.  Hassles on the phone before I left, hassles on 3 of the 4 errands I did, my leg was going out on me several times, kept getting leaks in my car oxygen when changing to a new tank.  I drove home crying.  Asking the universe to please stop hurting me.  Hadn’t I been thru enough?  Lost enough today of all days?   Once home and changed got a notice in email my utilities payment was rejected.  My old card was good til 2025, but they sent another with 2026.  So all kinds of things keep getting rejected that I already updated.

I turned on the TV and muted it with the political and covid crap.  Haven’t a clue how tomorrow will go physically after all this.  

Ya know, I knew before I crawled out of bed it was going to be bad.  It’s a cursed day.  Always will be.  Have the added never ending physical pain to add to it too.  All the things that went wrong would have made me mad, but I wouldn’t have been sobbing from fear that I might not be able to keep functioning.  Face the same tomorrow as I can’t sit on my butt all day.  That makes things worse even tho it doesn’t hurt.  Til I stand up to walk and BAM.  

Im so tired of living in 'why am I here?' land.  These days of repeated emptiness.  😓

 

 

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Im so tired of living in 'why am I here?' land.  These days of repeated emptiness.

Gwen:  I hear you and I feel your sadness.  Just know we are here with you as you walk this road.  Big hug, Dee

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

6 years ago I lost Steve today.

I'm sorry, I know how hard that day is to go through.  And I understand the loop you feel with the doctors, I feel the same.  It brings on anxiety, which is the last thing we need, esp. since they don't give us any relief or even act like they care.

 

[brat#2]

Sending big hugs to you Gwen, hope today goes a little better. 

[scba]

I'm sorry Gwen. I understand how you feel because I felt the same two months ago when I (or it) turned 6

[Gwenivere]

well, I’m in the ER.  I’m scared as much as frustrated.  I had other things I wanted to do today, but with the insurance change happening Sunday I couldn’t deal with that now.  Had a CT to see if this is just a flare up.  Hoping they don’t see anything with the bones.  All this will add to the pain from positions I would usually not be in.  They offered me some OxyContin for the pain, but if I leave (hope hope hope) I have to drive.  Would have loved a few hours of relief.  I remember bringing Steve in thru his cancer and he had me as a driver so he could float in some freedom. 

I hate days like this now even more.  My whole sanity routine is all thrown off.  I’m home now and the CT showed no changes in my back.  It did contain a finding that sounds very serious. The ER doc didn’t mention it so I’d think he would if it were something to pursue ASAP.  Of course I looked it up and will contact my doc.  I’m guessing another referral.   

Ive got to stop having so much fun.  😓

 

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I'm so sorry!  Your day sounds worse than mine was, I went with a friend to a lady's in Creswell, she used to go to our church and we have lunch there once a month (about an hour away)...we left, and Arliss had to pick up a Rx in Eugene (which the doctor said to pick up but it wasn't called in! ) and her engine control alert came on.  It had come on a couple days before (new Toyota) and she'd taken it to the dealership and they'd said it was a loose gas cap and reset it...now just one day later it does it again and she was in a panic, thinking we'd be stranded.  They tried to tell her they were too busy to deal with it but her son is the manager so she called him and he got her a loaner and they took the car in, said it'd be a few days.  Anyway, I was glad I was there for her and could calm her.  I think those things are always harder when you're alone.  It helps to have moral support.  She was worried about getting me back before dark, offered to take me home and pick me up the next morning to get my car, but we made it back before dark.  Kodie was in his pen way longer than I'd expected but he was good and wasn't even needy last night.  I think they said she had a huge emissions leak.  I told her, so in other words, it's like ALL the cars we drove in the 50s and 60s!  In other words, doesn't affect the running capability, just pollution, I was trying to get her to see it wasn't life/death.

I hope you're feeling better today, Gwen and that the pain isn't too great.  I've been having a hard time putting pressure on my foot the last couple of days, hurts like the dickens.  Right where my Morton's Neuroma is, hasn't bothered me in years, not sure if this is a flare up or permanent, God forbid!  

Let us know how you're doing when you get up!

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m home now and the CT showed no changes in my back.  It did contain a finding that sounds very serious. The ER doc didn’t mention it so I’d think he would if it were something to pursue ASAP.  Of course I looked it up and will contact my doc.

Gwen: Good to see you made it home and no visible changes in your back.  Keeping fingers crossed regarding "finding''?  Sorry you're thinking more referrals in your future. Take care and try to find some rest.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Well, another day with the extremely limited walking, feeling kinda loopy and digestive probs.  I’m chalking those up to stress, iron pills, fiber pills, nicotine lozenges and not eating the healthiest food.  The walking is a big problem.  I’m going to call my insurance company’s nurse line and see what the definition of this aortic problem they saw in the CT yesterday is and why a doc wouldn’t mention it.  Maybe he thought I already knew, but they usually say that.  To fin it after I was home really angered and scares me.  I am anticipating I will be unsuccessful getting any answers because that is how my world is these days.  I try and be proactive to little avail.  I can schedule iron infusions, but I can’t find out why my walking is getting almost impossible.  The CT said it was barely changed, but it doesn’t take much with a spine.  Now I’m worried about cholesterol.  Also less bone density was mentioned.

the worst part is I haven't a clue what to do beyond this call.  ER said to come back if I wanted, but I think what they would do is ultrasound and on weekends that means calling someone to come in from home.  After yesterday I don’t want to repeat losing a day in there again.  All that check in crap is beyond my patience.  More twisting and turning is not what I need either.  I tried sleeping opposite than I usually do and it changed nothing.  

Then there will be the time change and I’m trying to figure out how best to do it so I can try to get another hours sleep.  This is always the hard one for me.  

Tonight is the community center meal night.  I’d like to do more than that but have nothing I need to do but pickup an RX and after walking in last time, I think I’ll use the drive up. It’s frustrating being told to stay active and also rest if there’s pain.  They feed on each other.  

Thanks for listening to another day’s drama.  

Oh, it’s Halloween and I will be ever so glad to see the ads and bombarding of horror movies end on TV!

 

[kayc]

I'm disappointed that we haven't gone to DST year-round but alas OR is waiting for both WA & CA to do it before they implement it, so for me it means having to be home an hour earlier...5 pm instead of 6.  I don't like that, I wish they'd leave it as it is.

Maybe try to adjust your sleep schedule gradually instead of all at once?  It'll throw Kodie off too.  To me it's just confusing.

I hope you get the answers you need...

[kayc]

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I will be ever so glad to see the ads and bombarding of horror movies on TV!

I thought that was just watching the news!

[Gwenivere]

6 minutes ago, kayc said:

I thought that was just watching the news!

Thank you, Kay.  Amid all this crap you gave me a good laugh.  😀