My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Gwen, I sure hope you are able to do the stockings. As for a 6 hour shift of volunteering, I'm not sure I could do that and I don't even have a bad back, just no stamina anymore.

I need to take Marley in for her yearly exam, bloodwork, and med refills. She will need Doxycycline, Niacin, and Quadritop for life because of her Lupus. I'm able to get the Quadritop at an online pet pharmacy for 1/4 of what the vet charges and the Niacin at Walmart. The Doxy has to come from the vet(about $40 for 50 days worth). The exam and bloodwork is around $200, I think. I'm fortunate that Robert will go along to help her into the truck. We're always so vigilant with that since Brownie died after falling backward out of the jeep and rupturing her spleen. Is it possible that your friend that comes by to help you sometime would help you with Melody?

What is your therapy supposed to accomplish? I would think it would be worse for your back.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We’re you knocked out or in that twilight sleep they do?

Neither, I was awake and watching, they inject 2 tsp. Lidocaine in my wrist/hand, I didn't mind the shot but the after effects were awful!  I wouldn't let them put me under as Riverbend Hospital tried to kill me last time I had surgery!  My heart stopped on the operating table after they cut me open and they had to give me thrusts to the chest to get me going again, then they lied about it, so I no longer trust anesthesia.  It was their screw-up, they refused to take my weight after I told them I'd lost (this was six years ago) and they over-anesthetized me, that's what caused it.  All I can think about now is needing to be there for Kodie.

 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

where I volunteer needs people to stuff stockings for the residents.

I hope you can do this!  I kn ow how much your volunteering means to you, it'd be great.

Kelli got my Christmas tree up yesterday and we decorated it.  I didn't put up much decorations besides that but It's nice to have it up and look at it.  Kodie gazes at the lights just like Arlie used to.  Not sure I can leave him alone with it though, but so far he's been good.
I sure wish you had someone who could help you and for the hundredth time, I wish we lived close so I could help you when I'm healed.  (((hugs)))

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, KarenK said:

Is it possible that your friend that comes by to help you sometime would help you with Melody?

What is your therapy supposed to accomplish? I would think it would be worse for your back.

My friend works all week and would probably come up on a Saturday.  The vet closes early that day so that's hard on my med schedule.  I guess I should be grateful to covid we can’t go inside for now.  They come get the dogs, talk with you on the phone and bring them out.  Guess I will have to figure something out by December if I’m still able to function in the pain.

i don’t have any therapy set up.  Precisely for the reason you stated.  I’ve only been offered to keep going as I am until I can’t, a pain patch I’m afraid of for functioning and addiction or surgery with no motivation to return to the emptiness my life is.  So many variables that could go wrong.  Add in my other problems and it’s a full time life of treatment they have yet to come close to making easier and helpful.  My doc is casting me to more specialists which means more tests and experiments.  

Just went outside to check freezer stock and brought in a couple of things.    Of course they were either overhead or bend down things to restock inside.  I can tell already my grief Zoom meeting is gonna be tearful.  

I did get an insurance issue settled that had been going on for weeks.  Got a great rep who dug deep and we could reconcile the numbers.  One less phone call every week.   

Frigging cold here.  Have to call an acquaintance this evening about muscle cramping as she studied minerals and I’m lacking something with the charley horses in the am.  Posted elsewhere about how difficult it’s getting out of bed and dressed.  My options about the pain that are all grim.  

Yet another day to persevere.  For us all in different ways.  My inner child so much wants that magic wand.  

[KarenK]

I know that low Potassium can cause muscle cramps. Too much Potassium can stop your heart. Learned that from living with a heart patient. I stopped a nurse from giving Ron a whole bag of it one time without doctor's order. Doctor was furious. It would have killed him. People used to take quinine for muscle cramps until too many risk factors were discovered. I get cramps in my feet, toes, and ankles a lot. Usually just walk them out. You might try eating bananas or avocados. Not a big fan of bananas, but I like avocados.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Karen.  I don’t like avocados and bananas aren’t my fav, but worth a shot.  Maybe a low dose supplement.  Don’t have much of an appetite getting so little exercise with anemic and pain fatigue.

[kayc]

Lost my post.   24 degrees here, not 32 as predicted.  Kodie did his business in our yard so I praised him and gave him a treat, putting off our walk until it warms up a bit (hopefully).

I take magnesium bisglycinate (more absorbable in your body)
As magnesium deficiency worsens, symptoms may include:

• numbness.
• tingling.
• muscle cramps.
• seizures.
• muscle spasticity.
• personality changes.
• abnormal heart rhythms.

The cramps is typical of deficiency and it's easy to be deficient in.  Easy fix!

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m not finding supplementation easy.  Potassium, magnesium.  One needs calcium with it but can’t find reliable info on the ratio.  Have to be careful about sodium.  I have an email into  my doc about some oral potassium I have from when I took diuretics.  I messaged a woman who is certified in nutrition counseling and got more confused.  She said I needs selenium too.  One Brazil nut a day.  More can become toxic.  I’m already on iron and vitamin C for anemia.  Reading on the net, absorbing magnesium is tough and most supplements are useless.  Ugh.  Getting so complicated.

[Gwenivere]

Took Steve’s van out for gas and a run today.  What an endeavor!  I had to  move oxygen and other stuff I regularly carry.  It’s also parked so off to the side it had lots of yard debris on it.  Thought I got it off but it was all over the kitchen floor.  Filled it with gas, stopped to have tires and fluids checked and got new wiper blades.  hadn’t had it out since June. I start it every weekend for the battery.  Saw it really needs a detailed wash with moss in places.  I always feel weird driving it.  It’s easy to drive, but I’m used to him being the driver with all his gadgets.  I don’t know how to set the screen that has the backup camera.  If I wasn’t in so much pain I would have checked for rats under the hood.  

Found out my garbage wasn’t picked up.  They are supposed to get it from my carport and trying to report it took an hour as the web site required a new password.  Then it didn’t recognize my account number.  

Hadto schedule a telemedicine visit with the neurosurgeon that had no openings except the crack of dawn til December 9th.  Long wait in worsening pain.  I honestly don’t know if I’ll be walking by then.  2 other in person doc visits til then.  

I fall into deep sleeps from depression and physical pain fatigue.  If I didn’t have to let Melody out and could break my OCD need for routine, I wonder how long I would sleep.  I really feel I was messed up with these thyroid meds.  That’s one of the appointments in December too.  It’s by our university and very hard to get to.  

It was rainy, cold and windy all day.  Supposed to be bad for a week.  Again  I yearn for a day without problems.  A day Steve could help with logistics to get to these places.  Help me walk in and talk with the doctors as I am not all there.

the only thing that went right was getting a free burrito for the one the place messed up last week.  No clean up.  Got to sit in pain rather than wash stuff as my dishwasher has no water to determine a leak.  I cared about that once, don’t much now.  

 

[kayc]

I've been icing my hand like they said and trying to elevate it as much as possible but it's very sore, not sure if it's better or not, still have the horrible numbness. 

Do you have a plumber coming?

We have a storm upon us, high winds, tons of rain, landslides predicted, I hope my power stays on.

[Gwenivere]

We’re supposed to get a storm too.  Just now clouding up at 2pm.  

Have-you called the surgeon to see if this is normal?  I hate when weekends come and you have to speak with on call docs.

Did call a plumber as leak is still there with no water supply.  Had no afternoons til late month.

I was trying to have a non medical day and my docs office called saying I have to have a Medicare assessment. So drag out the calendar I keep to schedule that.  Fortunately it can be done remotely.   I know my doc will recommend procedures I don’t want (mammogram, colonoscopy, endoscopy).  I just hope they don’t become required when he does.  I plan to beg him not to order them if that us the case.  Suggestions I can handle.  The office also told me about applying for this DART thing to take and bring you home from appointments.  Save you from walking the big parking lots.  I guess I was supposed to be enthused. It’s just another reminder of limits solely linked to my back.  My nemesis.  Plus I usually find other places to go.  Anything to not sit here in the afternoon.  I hate being driven places too.  It’s a control thing.

 I’m also torn on this bone density test next week.  If I get a bad reading, I’m not sold on meds for it.   Just don’t trust anything anymore. My once never needed calendar is full of appointments and it’s depressing.  I know there are people out there that would be so grateful for all this. Those that have something to live for.  All I want to do is curl up and do is cry wishing I were one of them.  

 

 

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry Gwen. I know what it's like to navigate medical appointments and doctors. Annette must have had a dozen different doctors, and we always joked that "Something's always wrong" (it's a 90's song). Is it bad that I'm glad that she doesn't have to worry about going to doctors offices and the Urgent Care or ER now? Something usually came up every month. She was hospitalized sometimes four times a year, and if we were still in Tulsa, it would be bad. Tulsa is bad with COVID now- no ICU beds and not even regular hospital beds probably. I would be so freaking scared for her now. 

[Gwenivere]

I cannot even fathom going thru Steve’s emergencies during covid.  I can’t count how many times I had to get him to the ER.  The usually long time there would be eternal now.  I’m trying to figure out why I watch the news every night.  I’m starting to skip thru virus news in favor of politics because of what is going on.

no, it isn’t bad you feel relieved you don’t have to add the major complications you’d both endure if she needed immediate help.  I hadn’t thought about that myself.  But feeling bad would be like feeling bad if you had a laugh or enjoyed something without them.  I had those moments when I could still volunteer and never did.  I did miss telling Steve about it.  What’s interesting is I notice I don’t laugh at stuff alone anymore.  I understand the humor, but without someone, it isn’t something I react to. I really miss calling Steve to come see a funny commercial or laughing during a show or movie.  It’s just no fun to not be able to share anymore.  

I find myself singing sometimes and miss how he enjoyed that since I was so shy to do so with his band.  Took a few drinks to loosen me up.  Or I’d have to look at him and I could.  

Was listening to people griping about restrictions for Thanksgiving.  The sane ones said, better to give up one year to have many more as opposed to people who whine about personal freedom when it endangers families going thru grief because precautions.  If we only had to quarantine for a few months and got our partners back.  They don’t know how fortunate they are.  

[nashreed]

Yeah, Annette passed in May. She was in the hospital for two weeks and I couldn't see her at all. There's still questions that I never got answers to about that stay, because she originally went in because her knee locked up so bad she couldn't get up, but somehow in the hospital her kidney function crashed and she was in the ICU for a week. 

I loved her singing. She only sang for me, usually something from the Carpenters catalog, because it was in her limited range. She would change the lyrics and make up songs about our stuffed animals. I'm lucky I saved some of those voicemails.

I don't really enjoy watching shows that she liked. Her favorite recent show is finally coming back on next week and it's going to make me sad watching it without her, but it feels bad to not watch them. Maybe she can see them if she's hanging around? I don't know how it works. I hope that there's music in Heaven, and not just choral music  And I HATE Christmas music. I do not even want to hear any of that crap in the grocery stores this year. Fortunately, Annette was not into Christmas, so that's a plus. She wasn't into possessions and gift giving. She lost too much moving a lot when she was a kid.

[Margm]

"N", I so understand not being able to watch the shows.  He was in the middle of his favorite author's newest book and I came home from the hospital and he and I read it together in that one night.  I was able to grasp all the meanings, concentrate fully, and when I finished it, I could not concentrate enough to read anything but magazine articles for at least a year and probably more.  Someone said it was because he and I read the book together. 

We had many years together, but it is never enough.  Our friends, since we were a young couple, had to celebrate their 59th wedding anniversary looking through the glass at each other.  He had to be permanently in the nursing home after a stroke and she was there first thing in the morning and left late in the evening.  Since COVID, they cannot be together.  They took him to the ICU with COVID very recently and I'm afraid to even ask.  We have enough cruel things in our life.  

Finish watching her shows.  I thought it would be impossible, but I did it.  He had two and I finished out both of them.  We have some friends from many years ago and relatives that I know and can feel their fear.  I feel their pain.  And all we can do is say we are sorry.  And it will never be enough.  

[Kieron]

I, for one, am relieved that what happened 4 years ago this month isn't happening in this time of covid.  he would have been highly at risk since being on dialysis suppresses the immune system. I think I would shatter into a million pieces if I had to deal with that added layer of complexity, esp. being separated as you and Annette were.  I look at photos and think how grateful I am I don't have that to worry about.  I can't imagine how people living through it now are coping.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I plan to beg him not to order them

I think they're under compulsion to order them but that doesn't mean you have to get them.  I always have but I dread colonoscopies, won't need one now for four more years.  Always hard to get a driver. and II despise the prep.  As for their assessments, they can scratch it.  If I went by what they tell us to do my Diabetes would still be out of control and they'd be killing me!
Maybe take the DARTS and then come home and drive someplace if up to it?  Wish they had something like that here but of course, they don't.  They have Rideshare but my income doesn't qualify and of course they don't consider I have a house and car payment.

Had a huge storm yesterday, power kept going off/on all day!  TONS of branches in my yard.  Overdid it clearing my driveway but who else is going to do it?  Was exhausted and hurting last night, went to sleep at 8 and woke up at 6:30!  Feeling better this morning but going to try to take it easier.  Neighbor supposed to show me how to use the generator today or tomorrow.  Hand still very sore!  My friend had laparoscopic the day after me and hers already shows marked improvement, numbness gone, no pain, but they let mine go too long and mine was surgical rather than laparoscopic, no such relief.  Figure, my luck.

14 hours ago, nashreed said:

Is it bad that I'm glad that she doesn't have to worry about going to doctors offices and the Urgent Care or ER now?

No, absolutely not!  You care about her more than your own comfort, of course you're glad for her, at the same time realizing it has changed your life forever.

Gwen, we too got the restrictions laid out from our governor yesterday.  My DIL will not adhere to them, said on FB she doesn't care what the governor says.  (What happened to obeying the laws of the land?)  Not supposed to have more than six people, two households, together, so there goes TG, haven't seen my grandkids in four months.  She's in Haiti and supposed to quarantine for two weeks but no, she's going to be with her extended families instead.  Restaurants closing again, church limited to 25 (how do you decide which 25?), no haircuts, etc.  Businesses are giving up and closing for good, they were barely surviving the previous losses.

[Gwenivere]

I’m just amazed at the people insisting on doing Thanksgiving that involves travel and not enough quarantining.  A woman on the news last night summed it up quite well.  She said as much as she misses her children, grands and other people, going for one year to assure everyone will be there for more is a hard but caring trade off.  

It’s very depressing seeing what is happening economically.  It will be such a dismal world losing so many small businesses.  Nothing but big chains so there is no uniqueness.  Our downtown is almost all covered with plywood stemming from the protests and possible election reactions.  I don’t think we are more special than others, but I think people in grief react intensely because those were signs of life.  I may not have frequented them, but the were nice to see.  We already live in those cold and deserted 'streets' in our hearts.  I feel for the owners having to face a different grief. And it’s a big one.

 I’m sorry they let your wrist go too long.  I know I have put off my back stuff and really paying now.  One of these days I won’t be able to get up is how it’s looking.  Mine wouldn’t have the option of laparoscopically, but I sure wish you could have.  It is faster healing.  It’s cutting thru muscle that increases the recovery pain.  

I have a list of what usually are small tasks for the weekend.  Having just limped my way to the mailbox and back I’m not sure how much I will do.  Sitting here is bad too.  Something happened this week as it really feels like my spine is crumbling.  This is worse than the last time I went to the ER and I know the can’t do anything but scans.  I suppose they could admit me for emergency surgery, but I’m nowhere prepared to cover the house.  Just Melody.  I have birds and it would need someone checking in.  This is a mess.

 

 

[kayc]

I do know.  I'm surprised I never heard from my kids all week to see if my surgery went okay. 

Wishing us all strength and even a glimmer of hope!

Gwen, I can't imagine seeing all the building boarded up, I don't see how destruction of business is a "protest!"  Protests in the 60s were people chaining themselves to a Greyhound or laying in the streets singing "We shall overcome."  But in a peaceful way, no destruction or violence.  It's all changed...

I imagine you're also getting the pouring rain, it wakes me up, it's deafening.

[Gwenivere]

I agree with you on protests.  This violence aspect is out of control.  I saw some protests about the Vietnam nam war in my youth and it was mostly as you describe.  People are so frustrated now.  Be it politics, the pandemic, the economy or more nutters out there that are just looking for avenues to spread chaos.  I sure don’t get it.  Absolute frustration I do get, but I can’t imagine doing what they are doing.  It’s frightening.  

[scba]

On 11/14/2020 at 9:46 AM, Kieron said:

I, for one, am relieved that what happened 4 years ago this month isn't happening in this time of covid.  he would have been highly at risk since being on dialysis suppresses the immune system. I think I would shatter into a million pieces if I had to deal with that added layer of complexity, esp. being separated as you and Annette were.  I look at photos and think how grateful I am I don't have that to worry about.  I can't imagine how people living through it now are coping.

I cannot even fathom how it would have been for my boyfriend since he was hospitalized frequently for therapy. 

However I feel no relief...cause it would mean that he is alive and has a chance to survive. Even small.

He is dead and it doesn't matter what he or I would have done. People who haven't gone through what we have doesn't get what a tomb implies. There it lies a future that will never be. 

My heart writing this....

[Margm]

Our friend from when we first married, he just passed away in the nursing home.  His son's told him they loved him, he said it back, but he would not say it back to his wife. (This was all done through a glass, they could not touch him.)  Maybe it was just the opposite of mine and Billy's, my turning my back on him and telling him "NO!!!" and I was not going to let him leave.  Maybe our friend could not tell her goodbye or that he loved her because it would mean he was leaving.  She has not got to touch him for the last few months.  Married 59 years, and my heart is with her.  Knew it was going to happen.  He beat the COVID, but his little body was so tired from the stroke over a year ago.  My heart hurts.  He had said my Billy was the first to befriend him when he moved to the small town and in my mind, I believe he was the first to greet him in Heaven.  I have to believe that way Billy, I have to.

[kayc]

Marg, your post has me in awe and speechless...you live with grief every day...same as all of us do.  It is a unique place the rest of the world cannot get.  Nor would they want to.

My son called last night, we spoke for an hour.  His life is very hard right now.  A million things to do but can't do any of them because his wife is in Haiti all week.  He has a very demanding job, and comes home to take care of the kids/house.  Can't even let Bruno outside w/o taking him out because he needs to build a fence.  I wish I could be there to help him with the kids but alas I can't even do much for myself right now.  Her timing in going to Haiti couldn't be worse.  But as I reminded him, this too will pass.  I don't know how he does what he does but we all have a breaking point.  And now our state can't even go to church & recharge.  We're alone.

[Margm]

I forever remember the "joke" that is so true. "It was said during Katrina this Christian man and woman had been sent a boat to help them leave the flooding.  They said 'no, God will save us' and then the water rose and they finally had to get on their roof.  Twice more a boat was sent to help them.  They refused, 'God will save us.'  Well, they drowned and when they got to Heaven they asked God 'why didn't you save us?' and God said 'I sent you three boats."

Okay, that is a joke, but there is so much truth to it that it really is not funny.  We wonder why bad things happen to good people.  I think most all of us are good people, but still we are having bad times.  I miss Billy so much that it does hurt, often.  When I pray, I talk to Jesus and either he allows me to talk to Billy, or Billy just looks at Jesus and says "you know her even better than I do."  

My friend Hettie, she had lost her husband Loyal five years before I lost Billy.  I think maybe God helped put her, and this forum in my life.  I was crying when another classmate had passed away (and if I was not at her house every day, then she came to mine).  She said "we are both at the age we are going to be losing our friends."  The week before, she had lost a classmate, a friend, also.  Since then there have been so many.  And each one makes me think "one day that will be me."  

I talk to my kids each day.  With things like they are, and my son helps clean the COVID rooms sometimes, he is afraid he will bring the virus to me.  I miss him terribly, but we talk on the phone and on "messenger" throughout the night while he is working.  He comes in, showers, and all precautions are taken in the hospital, plus Kelli takes his sheets, washes his clothes twice and uses Lysol spray liberally.  She even found a manly scent to spray in his room.  She had her blood drawn and things were good.  Both have had the COVID but know they can have it again, and both protect me by staying away.  Kay, I am sure your kids have your health at their foremost wish.  

When it came to my mind I had to leave the place that Billy left me in, knowing it was not home anymore,, no place could ever be "home" again, but still I have to live.  If I didn't, then those 50 morphine pills would have not been flushed down the drain.  When it came to my mind, I knew my sister needed help with Mama (which is my downfall, I did not want to help with my own mother) but my sister was better than I was, and all the money Mama paid for her colleges, my sister sweated blood and owed Mama nothing, but her good heart kept Mama in her own home till she died.  It was not easy.  My mother's serpent tongue, even with Alzheimer's, it never shut up until she left on August 6th, 2016.  Do you know I am so sinful that I paid my daughter to stay with my mother while my sister taught at a nearby college.  My daughter is/was a nurse and she loved her "Maw" My downfall was that I disliked my mother very much.  In the five years I have been back "home" I have made peace with my mother's mental problems, my own mental problems, and my dad's austere personality.  

I think God has allowed these things to happen for a purpose.  I cannot blame him, although I think of him as having the same personality as my dad.  I talk to Jesus, who is supposed to be one with God, but I will still talk to Jesus.  People could give me an argument, but don't try, I'm too old, too cynical, and this is how I have to believe.  

I know it is common to blame God, but if you don't believe in him, you have to find someone else to blame.  I hope and I pray that things will change soon because this is definitely giving agoraphobia to people, myself included..  I go to the store, but I suit up to do it, I shed those clothes and shower when I come home.  I still do not feel safe, but if this is the only boat that is offered, then I'm taking it.

And speaking of my mother, she was a very intelligent woman, she had mental problems but she believed that God helps those who help themselves.  That is all we can do right now.

And again, the dressing is put on the side of this very long word salad.

[scba]

I loved this salad