My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I liked the young Clint.  Not so much for looks, but characters he chose.  Liked Play Misty for Me.   He’s got such a great voice that’s unmistakable.  Didn’t he do one with a chimp?  I seem to recall the phrase....scrap the caddie.   El Torino was good and got lots of praise deservedly.  I thought The Mule was  great too.  🙂

[Margm]

Billy hated musicals but Clint and Lee Marvin played in "Paint Your Wagon" and Billy would start singing "I was born under a wandering star" all the time.  No, none of us could sing, but I could whistle and Billy said he liked my whistling cause he knew I was happy.  The one with the chimp was called "Every Which Way But Loose" and Sondra Lockwood, who he lived with many years or dated or something, she had a lot of bad things to  say about him in her book.  Didn't read it, read a summary of it.  I think she passed away.  He had a child with the redheaded woman he dated for awhile.  

[KarenK]

Loved Eastwood's Gran Torino and Million Dollar Baby. Was absolutely in love with James Drury(The Virginian), who died earlier this year, Marg. Oh, and Eastwood has 8 children by various women. A bit of "who cares" trivia...Anthony Quinn has 12. When did these guys have time to learn their lines? Don't answer that.  lol

On a bit of a somber note....today is my 48th anniversary, the last 8 spent alone. Longest damn hunting trip he's ever been gone on......

[kayc]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

today is my 48th anniversary, the last 8 spent alone. Longest damn hunting trip he's ever been gone on......

I never know how to do them, doesn't seem to get easier.  I had to smile at the last part though, we all kind of tell ourselves something like that, LONG trip!!!

You're in my thoughts today, Karen.

[brat#2]

You're in my thoughts too today Karen, these days can be so hard.

[scba]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I liked the young Clint.  Not so much for looks, but characters he chose.  Liked Play Misty for Me.   He’s got such a great voice that’s unmistakable.  Didn’t he do one with a chimp?  I seem to recall the phrase....scrap the caddie.   El Torino was good and got lots of praise deservedly.  I thought The Mule was  great too.  🙂

Nothing like the rain scene on The bridges of Madison county. 

[Gwenivere]

Never know what to say, Karen, except I totally understand.  Long trip indeed.  Like your analogy.  {{{{hugs}}}}

[Margm]

Our 60th will be July 2021.  I will "celebrate" it the way we always did, doing nothing special.  Sometimes the over five years seems like he left yesterday, other times I wonder if I ever knew him (but then we have two kids).  Got to talking to a friend and neighbor, another classmate, a wonderful Christian woman, does not beat you to death with Proverbs from the Bible and she and Joe were childhood sweethearts.  He passed away with a lung condition, had never smoked, but it put him sort of out of commission for 3-1/2 years.  Her mom was my mom's best friend and across the street neighbor.  Marie had four little girls, one right after the other.  After the last one she developed a brain cancer.  Her church friends said she and her husband should get away by themselves for a few days.  Marie said "A vacation without my children would be no vacation.  I could never leave my girls behind."  My mom, who had few friends loved this sweet woman and admired her.  When she passed my mama said, very stoically "She is on a vacation now without her girls."  All girls grew up to be successful women and mothers.  The husband married a woman, a school teacher, who had her daughter and husband killed at a train crossing there in the small town.  There was a few years before they got together.  She mothered those four girls very strictly, but lovingly.  She and their father had one son, he is a doctor in the small town now.  Parents gone, of course, one sister gone, the oldest.  This friend of mine and I used to be playmates and throughout school were neighbors who shared many things.  She is the same beautiful woman who hurts, like we all do, but helped me last night.

I might go back and delete all this.  I'm not ashamed of her, I'm ashamed of me.

[Gwenivere]

Your daughter was a victim of abuse, Marg?  I’m so very sorry to hear that. It isn’t just pastors or educators who should resign if they have 'problems'.  Anyone that does that should be prosecuted and have intervention.  I was just thinking last night of a guy we thought was a friend turned out to be a pedaphile.  He lied to us about it but slipped up (always a danger when lying, keeping track of them) and the truth came out.  We should have known when he opted for jail time claiming a jury trial would have resulted in a much harsher sentence.  We want to believe these things aren’t true, but they are.  I have never forgiven him as I asked him at the start to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.  He failed me and Steve by not coming clean then.  Not sure what we would have done, but at least we would have been operating with honesty.  It cost him in the long run with us.  His family and best friend stuck by him which we saw as enabling this coverup.  Or they didn’t care.  Bad all the way around.  I don’t berate Steve and I or wanting to believe he was as moral as we were.  It hurt we were duped.  I only feel bad that we let him in our lives longer than we would have.  Steve always said thins didn’t add up and he was right.  

[widow'15]

13 hours ago, KarenK said:

On a bit of a somber note....today is my 48th anniversary, the last 8 spent alone. Longest damn hunting trip he's ever been gone on......

Karen:  My thoughts are with you as you go through today.  Your closing statement hits the nail on the head.  My words exactly, "if not a hunting trip", on a "fishing trip".  Your Ron sounds so much like my Bob.  A true outdoors-man.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Anyone that does that should be prosecuted and have intervention.

Kay, in reading your note about your four year old daughter, it makes me sick to be a part of "mankind" and vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.  I have asked him before though, "won't you just let me hide and watch?"  The first pastor was arrested twice for embezzlement and those are "much more serious things than the innocence of a child."  He is a car salesman now.  I'm not like God wants me to be, I'm not as good as Jesus, I don't forgive easily.  Kay in your case, a pedophile should have been put in a small room, a pair of dull scissors used, and his tool removed.  He can control the bleeding.  I am not into hating the sin, forgiving the sinner.  I'm not that good a person.  I did remove my post, some know already, I might not practice forgiveness but I do practice anger.  

 

 

[kayc]

Marg, you should write a book, seriously!  You have such a delightful way of writing that captures people's attention!

I'm sorry your daughter went through this, my daughter was raped when she was four, her babysitter's BF's friend, she didn't let us know until she was grown, right before George died, I was researching counselors among other things when hit with his death.  Her father wouldn't help pay for it, me and my sisters got her help.  Too many years had passed, can only pray the guy got intervention since and we all know what karma is!

I know how you feel Marg, but how would we have known, I seldom left my daughter with others, this was my next door neighbor's child who was our babysitter for two years, we never hired her again as we came home to her crying and her doll's head broken off.  It was horrible, he'd threatened her baby brother and us to her if she told.

[Kieron]

Somehow overlooked these last few posts.  Sorry, Karen, for the difficult anniversary and related reminders.   Those sensitive points in life always ache. 

[Gwenivere]

Had a meeting with the neurosurgeon's PA yesterday.  Lengthy and got to ask all my questions and concerns.  Even the mental ones.  He is really a compassionate guy and took all the time we needed.  It’s becoming obvious I cannot live in this pain much longer.  Options are wait til I am totally compromised, do this or end it myself (my added option).  I know that makes people uncomfortable to hear, but this is a safe place for me to release my thoughts and feelings.  

I don’t know what to do as it isn’t so much the surgery, but the extensive rehab and coming home to this empty life.  I’m tired of the stuff I get that it might not be as lonely if I can do more.  It won’t restore my volunteering or minimal social interactions, but there will be a freedom from pain so I can think about my life beyond battling that.  Maybe be more accepting of the restrictions and do more for myself which has seriously impacted my self esteem.  It would be nice to actively address other health issues needing lab work and X-rays knowing I can walk in.  

I called scheduling and no non essential surgeries til February.  This is considered non essential (I’d like the people that decide that to live with it even a few days and say that) and they are looking at February.  That’s a long haul with complications for pain management.  My complications being I talk Xanax and the combo with opiates.  Not that I want them.  So I wait while surgeon and my doc try to construct a plan.  Can’t give up the Xanax.  This is all to much a mess than I could ever conceive.  Alsoas I was told this is more normal for people in their late 70’s or 80’s.  Adapting to limits easier as they are pretty much done with wanting to do lots of stuff and settled into a more laid back life.  Every doc has commented on how 'young' I am to be facing this.  I couldn’t agree more.  

So, have to face the worst day yet.  Don’t know what triggered it beyond doing stuff I normally do, my back was screaming at me last night for standing too long filling pill boxes for the week.  I’ll probably do more wrong things today.  Had to clean the bird cage.  Melody needs joint supplements, I need dinner.  My housekeeper helped with the laundry so-it will just leave the dryer if this calms down.

sorry again for the ramble.  Blame Steve for not being here.  This was his job to listen to.  Or Ally.  My housekeeper was great putting up with a frustrated client.   

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I called scheduling and no non essential surgeries til February.  This is considered non essential (I’d like the people that decide that to live with it even a few days and say that) and they are looking at February.

Oh Gwen, I just don't understand why this would be non essential surgery.  I was relieved to read you felt the neurosurgeon PA was at least listening to your concerns and questions in a compassionate way.  I do hope your doctor can provide a manageable plan for you for the next 2 or 3 months.   Not sure why you would have to give up the Xanax.   My daughter, during her 20 years of suffering with her back pain her pain management doctor prescribed Xanax as well as opiods so she could function.  She continues to take Xanax with the pain pump as she battles anxiety.   Keeping you in my thoughts as you face this battle.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for that, Dee.  I couldn’t believe I would be the only person that needs Xanax and pain relief.  I’ll forego pain meds before pain meds.  I will not go back to living with panic attacks on a daily basis and be homebound.  

[Margm]

I remember a lady in her 90's (I think) when they were taking away people's estrogen hormones as a daily dose.  (Have not been typing that stuff for a few years) and for all I know they have put it back. I remember them telling her they were going to stop her estrogen.  She said, "I beg your pardon, you most certainly will not" and they didn't stop it.  I can imagine her thinking, "what, your worried about me getting breast cancer at 110?"  

I feel the same way about Xanax. I only take two 1 mg each day.  

[KarenK]

For one thing, we all know that grief ages us and certainly exacerbates any physical or mental difficulties we may already have. That may be one reason this has hit you at a younger age.

Why no more volunteering once you are completely healed and this crazy pandemic is over? Heaven forbid it never ends and we have to learn to live with it in different manners. I would think there would always be a need for volunteers.

Why can't your doctor classify your case as essential surgery considering the amount of pain you're in and the possibility that waiting could make it worse. They wouldn't make someone with broken bones "wait". Sorry, the way you're being treated just makes me 😠angry. Maybe I need to come up there and kick butt.  At least one person is listening to you finally!

[Kieron]

I agree with Karen, Gwen.  This delay makes no sense when it's a quality of life issue.  I'm baffled. 

I read somewhere that in the US we have this subconscious attitude, a Puritanical holdover from a previous age, that pain is "meant" to be endured, which is why we don't treat it as a disease, or we practically punish people in pain by withholding treatment, or shaming them for their reaction(s)-- which is to relieve it in any way possible.  With respect to addictions, it's starting to change and be seen as a disease-- rather than a personal failing--but we haven't gotten there with pain.

[widow'15]

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

I remember a lady in her 90's (I think) when they were taking away people's estrogen hormones as a daily dose. 

Marg:  Your story about a lady in her 90's triggered a memory from my memory bank.  I must have been in my early 50's way back in the 90's; and beginning that fun time we females entered into; was in my doctor's office and asking if I shouldn't be on hormones cause I was having so many symptoms.  He didn't feel I needed them.  Further into the discussion I stated I know I would never jump off the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, but am beginning to understand why some women feel the need to.  He immediately opened his desk drawer handed me a questionnaire on suicidal thoughts.  I must have passed the test, cause I left his office with a prescription for estrogen hormones.  Maybe he wasn't listening to me the first time I asked ?  Dee

[Margm]

Nah, he listened, he just was a man and did not understand.  Let his testosterone be low normal and he would have prescribed himself testosterone.  They never let me have it because of the cancer.  

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

Why no more volunteering once you are completely healed and this crazy pandemic is over? Heaven forbid it never ends and we have to learn to live with it in different manners. I would think there would always be a need for volunteers.

Why can't your doctor classify your case as essential surgery considering the amount of pain you're in and the possibility that waiting could make it worse.

I’m sure there would be volunteering after covid.  But that’s going to be a long time coming even after vaccines.  I don’t know f the surgery will work either as far as how much pain reduction.  That’s the gamble you take.  I could invest months in recovery.  The great PA I talked to said 70-75% is the average, but no one knows which was honest.  It’s the healing/recovery I grapple with because of a rehab center.  Been there, done that in Jan/feb and hoped I’d never have to endure that again.  We’re talking weeks under their control.  It’s not like hospitals.  It’s more a nursing home atmosphere where aides get to you when they can or feel like it.

essential surgery is now classified as life threatening.  Covid has center stage as we all know.  If I got paralyzed I would be taken in.  There are so many people postponed now.  One guy I know had his knee delayed and is now on crutches.  The pain all consuming.  We also run into pain relief help.  Opiate scare is a concern for people like me alone.  It would be OK to be zoned out if Steve or someone was here, but I’m leery of having to do things, drive and whatever.  I can’t crawl into bed knowing things are covered.  The only time I feel no pain is siting, but as soon as I stand it comes roaring back.  So I often sit too long and that creates more problems.  Probably more than you wanted to know, but this is my hell.  Absolutely the biggest time I need my partner.   I did all this for him.  What an ironic twist of fate that I went from years of that to years of this.  At least he was physically here from so some good highlights during his fight.  It’s at times like these we see a peck on the cheek, holding hands, stroking hair and general touch keeps us going.

thanks for being angry for me, I’m pretty pissed off myself and that is not my usual nature.  I learned it dealing with Steve’s care.  It’s not as effective when you are the patient.  You tend to be labeled as non compliant or resistant.  But that’s because they never factor in the emotions.  They are, after all, offering you the best of what medicine has to offer.  I was even told I’d have to coordinate with my shrink on anxiety meds.  I told then WE/THEY would have to coordinate.  The docs have to talk with each other as this is a combined situation.  They will be ordering possibly conflicting meds.  Steve would know all this stuff (plus I wouldn’t be in rehab) and could make the calls I used to.  I could be a 'simple' patient.  I’m worried they could get me so messed up I couldn’t advocate for myself.  I think that is a legitimate concern.

fin.

[Gwenivere]

Got out for a bit.  Safeway had a line to get in.  (Stores are going to 50% capacity as a trial)  They were nice and let me me in before others that had been waiting because of being disabled and thankfully the waiting customers didn’t mind.  Got to the community center for dinner and delivering some Purell supplies.  Drove home sobbing.  Came out of nowhere.  Well, it’s always there but I couldn’t stop it.  I think I got triggered that is my Saturday nights now rather than date night.  I wouldn’t have thought after 6 years, I’d still be so vulnerable to a particular night.  Really wanted to come home to Steve, Ally and Belle.  Thank gawd for Melody, Vicodin and dark chocolate M&M's.  The night still stinks, but only you guys have to listen.  Kinda shows how lonely I am.  I come here because I know you’ll let me ramble.  I wish I could be the person I was and not such a tedious whiner.   I really was a positive person.  Wish I could show you her.  Best I can do....for my family here.....💖

 

[KarenK]

Not a thing wrong with rambling. I only wish I had a magic wand to turn back time......wonder if Santa would bring me one. Don't need a single other thing.

Glad you got out and to the center for dinner. Don't know if we have those here except the city one that my BIL frequents. Just as soon not run into him although it might be nice to talk with people. Who am I kidding? I probably wouldn't go anyway. I kind of shy away from strangers now. Not because of COVID. I seem to have lost a lot of the self confidence I always had.

My son went with me to the grocery so we could stop at Petsmart for a big bag of dog food which I definitely can't lift. Just don't want to mess with a turkey this year, so was going to get a pork roast but he preferred turkey so settled for a turkey breast that you pop in the oven still frozen. Sounds weird to me. Also got canned yams instead of fresh for the first time. Have just gotten to the point where I prefer convenience. I have never been the matriarch depicted in the kitchen creating homemade wonders.

My neighbors are a nice Mexican family with a huge extended family and friends. Evidently they don't follow "social distancing". The past couple of days there have been at least 15 vehicles parked up and down the street, different families going in and out and constant construction noises in the back yard. Wish I had a periscope to be nosy and look over the block fence. Doesn't really bother me...I'm live and let live, but all those strangers are driving the dogs crazy.  lol

Went to bed at 9pm and slept until 1am so here it is closing on 5am and I'm wide awake. My world is so upside down.

[Kieron]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The docs have to talk with each other as this is a combined situation.  They will be ordering possibly conflicting meds.

Ugh, reading this drives me crazy because, here in this region, there would be the possibility of a care coordinator (depending on your ins/coverage) to go to bat for you, intervene, organize, make calls as needed, so it wasn't all on the person experiencing pain/ill health.  Mark had one.  She stepped in when there was an issue with medical ride service or other home-based services.  What these clinics, hospitals and medical folks don't quite grasp is how, as you have indicated, the pain becomes all-consuming and leaves you no "disk space" in your concentration to juggle multiple matters that a person who's not in pain can easily handle.

You know what else pisses me off?  Clients at work who have traumatic brain injuries or chronic pain always tell me they appreciate that I "get" this about their capacity to handle day-to-day tasks.  Some days are good, other days they can't do a thing, and often professionals make a judgment call or consider them lazy or shiftless.  I don't have a PhD... yet I instinctively understand this and try to give the person choices about what they want to tackle that day or that week.  I have wondered if excessive degrees and book learning makes people blind to deeper issues or complex webs of causation.