My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

I feel closer to some of you than I do people in person.  Here we pour out our innermost thoughts and get real with each other.

[Margm]

Just heard on a Hallmark type movie "the holidays are just reminders of them not being here."  That is true, but think back, your grandfather died (there, I said that dreaded word) but cousins were around, aunts, uncles, only my granddaddy was gone.  On one side of the family, unfortunately, he was not missed.  On the other side of the family life took a hiccup and we carried on.  It was not the same for my grandmother, my little country grandmother, but my city (little town) grandmother carried on as if nothing had happened.  It all goes into how much love you put into something.

Five years later, my son the artist, he has not taken up pen and pencil, canvas, tablets, or paints.  Some people it permanently hurts.  Not just husbands, wives, or partners.  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

Five years later, my son the artist, he has not taken up pen and pencil, canvas, tablets, or paints.  Some people it permanently hurts.  Not just husbands, wives, or partners.  

Ahh, your son.    Yes, loss is with us who miss them, for life.

I may be sappy but I like the Hallmark movies (My DIL hates them!), for a while you can pretend...it's been a long while since I've had love in my life.  It may be fooling myself but for a few minutes...

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I may be sappy but I like the Hallmark movies

Not sappy at all.  We can most expect a happy ending, a beautiful town that does not really exist, except on a set for production.  It is a salve that calms the savage beast we become each day.  I love them too Kay.  At least sometimes they live happily ever after, if only on TV.  

[Gwenivere]

As usual, I’m the odd woman out.  I don’t care for happily ever after movies anymore. They hurt too much.  I was enjoying the humor of Father of the Bride 2 the other night until the end.  Husband and wife together, a new baby, happiness.  This is fallout from my worst year ever since losing Steve.

yesterday was the worst birthday I ever had.  Lots of nice wishes, some from unexpected places and people that usually don’t remember.  For me, tho, it was the combo of being without Steve and my first without Ally.  My first with all ties to our life together gone by losing that dog.  15 years of history and 6 of my rock since losing him.  To have it lead into today, our favorite day of the year, is too hard to describe.  Add in I am in more pain than I’ve been (walking back and forth down the hall is debilitating) and I’m just sitting here wondering what I’m supposed to do.  Unless I fall or get paralyzed, there is no sense to go to the ER.  There is the added stress/tension OF being alone.  Lack of good sleep has my mind foggy.

the community center is supplying holiday meals today but I am so caught up in pain and mental anguish I’m just blank.  A buddy called to check in but had to go because her dogs were going nuts and her wife needed help cooking their feast.  An example of having a life.

I’m really looking for gratitude but not finding any.  Yes, I have a house.  It’s painful to do anything in.    Have finances, but they can’t buy me out of grief.  It sounds terribly self centered, but I hope it is understood as I truly do feel for those without.  I envy them if they can walk tho.  Such a simple thing.  No life is perfect.  I know it’s not worth trying to figure out why on any of it.  

I have to acknowledge some birthday greetings today.   None but maybe one will want to hear the above.  It takes a lot of energy to do the responses.   I have decided to be honest tho.  Otherwise I’ll have no one to say I wasn’t honest and they didn’t at least get the truth and decide themselves if they wanted to respond.   This is me now.  It is what it is.  Although most everyone I know are in 'good' places, I’m not.  I’d rather be avoided for the truth than do back and forths as someone I’m not.  

So my vent if the day.  Only 3+ hours into it.  Did a test walk get into the car and saw I had a special holiday newspaper.  Stuffed with Black Friday ads.  Guess I’ll peruse it.  

Only other thing I’m feeling is frustration with people that insist on gatherings during this covid spike.  How this will set things back because they couldn’t give up one time.  Read there is controversy with the vaccines too.  Most tests were on healthy people under 55.  So now rethinking is being done on the actual percentage of protection.   Looks promising for health care workers, but muddy for us older folk with compromised immune systems and conditions.

if it weren’t for y back and covid, I could have salvaged this day by visiting some people.  We’re prisoners in so many ways.

 

[nashreed]

Gwen, I totally sympathize. Thank you for sharing. Venting helps. I use the forum for it too.

I am thankful that my Mom is healthy and can get around and is mentally sound at 84. I really don't have it in me to be a caregiver again, as selfish as that is. I don't worry or sweat about money or finances like I used to have to. I get by, with help. I don't require much. I have my little room, my little shrine to Annette. That's all I need.

My Annette was in constant pain, so I understand what that can do. I'm so sorry. 

Even if I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving, I couldn't. The people in this mobile park I grew up in are so rude and inconsiderate now. The jerk across the street, blasting his stupid Mexican garbage music all day, building whatever the hell he is always building. I thought Thanksgiving was a day of family and peace and quiet, now loud buzzsaws and hammering. So irritating. My family doesn't seem to mind, but I am very sound sensitive, but with the Mexican music, screaming kids and barking dogs, I think I'm going insane. Thank God for headphones. 

[Kieron]

33 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I really don't have it in me to be a caregiver again, as selfish as that is.

I don't agree that this is in any way selfish.  Caregiving is draining and exhausting and you're already depleted.  From my own personal experience, I'd estimate your reserves are close to zero.

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm sorry your birthday was a bust, I truly am.  My worst one was the one after losing George, no one remembered it or said Happy Birthday.  I cried myself to sleep because the disparity was so glaring and I missed George beyond anything.

Someone posted a picture on FB today of someone's driveway with a million cars in it.  I'm surprised Kate Brown isn't paying informants.  All I can say is I'd avoid those neighbors for a good long while.  I look for it to be on the surge in a huge way.  

All I can do is pray for health and strength to get through each day as well as we can.  I love and appreciate each of you!

[Gwenivere]

Now we wait and see how much fallout from all the gatherings.  The news said 2-4 weeks.  There was another protest in Seattle last night with groups people, some without masks.  I really don’t get why or how people cannot take this seriously.  A doctor on the news said this is going to be the biggest and most damaging medical crisis in history.  Expletive lost, the economy ravaged.

I liked being a part of history with a black president and now a woman female Vice President.  This?  Nope.  Thus isn’t my kind of adventure nor one that younger people will want to tell their kids about.  My parents never wanted to revisit the Great Depression.  It was too dismal and depressing.  My dad wouldn’t talk about the Korean War.  This will be another nightmare that will have scarred so many people.

kay, I wasn’t surprised my birthday was a bust.  Best going in with a low bar on special days.  Even with that I wasn’t expecting it could be worse.  I’d say there’s always next year, but that is far away and more time to add to this dark journey.  

[kayc]

Going to my son's was something I was not prepared for...turning onto the mud/gravel road that had a lot of spurs off of it, nothing marked, GPS stopped giving directions.  Each one I got to displayed a burned home, melted fence, debris, it did something inside of me, it really did.  I don't know how he can view this devastation.  But he has the most beautiful home I've ever seen.  He's setting up a washer & dryer in an outbuilding so people staying in trailers while rebuilding will have a place to do their laundry, free of charge.  This is out in the boondocks, was a small town that burned up, hardly any homes survived, he bought one that did.

I wish so much that we lived closer, I wish I could brighten your day, I know cyber wishes aren't much but sometimes they're all we have and I thank God for this little tribe!

[MartyT]

What a kind, generous, and neighborly thing to do. Clearly your son has his mother's heart, dear Kay. ❤️

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

This is out in the boondocks, was a small town that burned up, hardly any homes survived, he bought one that did.

kayc: Was this anywhere near Detroit Lake?  My SIL lost a cabin to fire that was on Federal land near Detroit Lake.  My husband and I visited their cabin only once years ago before they remodeled it and then lost it this year to the fires.  Beautiful area and very secluded.  I haven't discussed it with her yet, I think they are trying to deal with the loss.  I know they were devastated.  Dee

[kayc]

It's Lyons, OR, they're near Santiam River is all I know, I felt like I was blindfolded and spun around, no idea where I was, I passed Mill City and Scio.  The devastation hits you like a ton of bricks!  I feel so sorry for the people that live around there.  I think they'll be a close knit community after rebuilding but it's going to take some time...

[Gwenivere]

I often think the whole world is going to have to be rebuilt after this year and who knows what 2021 holds.  Illness, fires, hurricanes, how we have been forced to live, people being displaced from economics.  I don’t know how that will look, begin, when and how us less adapting to more change people will fare.  

A lot of the depression and crying has been beyond my physical pain and usual triggers.  The world doesn’t resemble much of what I’ve or anyone lived in.  Does crying change that?  No.  But I can’t sit here anymore denying how life altering this is and having to face it alone.  The many changes for progress here bring me down as they cost loss of beauty to accommodate too many people.  There is an overpass I use so much that has been clear cut of trees and blackberries one both sides and now has massive concrete pillars for the rails of mass transit.  It’s ugly and cold.  Used to beautiful and a buffer from the freeway for the people living across from it.  Now they view concrete instead of woodland.  They replaced a homey Albertsons with a fancy specialty grocery.  I’ve been in there and it’s for those into that 'pay more for everything' because of the status of being snazzy.  

This now waiting to see how much the holiday traveling may have set us back is depressing.  People just wouldn’t listen and stay home for one year.  Australia adhered to strict quarantine from the start and are virus free, no vaccines either.  The worst if it is vaccine or no, there still is no light at the end of the tunnel.  It wasn’t tested on kids or people over 55.  So high risk non medical people aren’t factored in the hopeful success rate.  How many will be too scared to take it?  I didn’t think I would til I read that.  We already have lower immune systems from age and often other conditions the volunteers didn’t.  Sorry, off my soapbox.  

All I know is the world is now forever physically changed.  It took over 3 years with the Spanish flu and our medical advancements have barely helped with non compliance AND a more serious bug.  

Sorry, my daily vents are my release for so many frustrations.  New medic alert box to install for tech upgrade, no choice, a Zoom call and getting to the church for dinner all the while in pain and feeling ill from meds, stress and pain.  I dread tomorrow.  The week begins anew with med stuff.  I feel like I’m acting like a baby.  Guess I am.  What I wouldn’t give to have Steve to help with ANYTHING!  Even just feed Mel her green beans.  I’m that desperate.  Just getting it out.  No pity expected, we’re all fighting battles.

[nashreed]

Feel free to vent, Gwen. I feel connected to you, as we are both sufferers of loss. I read and care what you have to say. All our sanities need vents! I hate where I live, with lousy brats screaming up and down the street constantly. Doesn't it bother anybody else? I'm trying to get numb to it. 

Americans are entitled and gots to have their freedumb. And these same idiots are also anti-vaxxers, so good luck with that. Maybe if their Supreme Leader says its cool to take maybe they'll take it, maybe if they name the vaccine after him. It certainly didn't have to be like this. People are selfish and stupid, generally. Fine folk here are the exception. My Annette was so unlike a lot of people, so selfless and caring and I know your Steve was very special. Why do the good people have to leave us?

[Gwenivere]

Billy Joel wrote.....only the good die young.  I don’t think that is totally true, of course.  I look at all the caring people here and in the world.  But I know it does apply to our losses.  I remember that song hit me about my dad who died when I was 1.  My cousin who was like a brother died too soon.  Steve’s sister 4 months after him.  So many people I met volunteering.  Residents were old, but some staff too.  I wish there were more of a fairness to this as watching the news and seeing those that bring 'evil' into life stick around.  We have no right to judge, but we do think about it.  

No kids around here now.  But my neighbors sit in their deck and laugh a lot.  Makes me sad. I remember feeling like that.  You had mentioned Xmas music. I used to love it.  Now it grates on me.  Grief takes so much more than our partners.  It’s an ugly monster.  I can’t evict it.  I can’t control it either.  I so hate going to sleep already knowing the morning will be hell. I miss looking forward to something.  Today I’m supposed to have a Zoom meeting with a local grief support group. It’s an interview for online meetings.   Torn about it.  Do I want to live in it more as I have counselors? I come here and this would be more focus on it.  I’m not trying to run, but I’m not sure I want to get into more peoples losses.  I’m at home here.  I’ve done support groups and prefer one on one.  Posts are like that.  Meetings I listened to many people repetitively saying the same thing. I’m just so tired.  I don’t know if you are facing physical challenges too, but that’s such added weight to tote around.  It steals chances for breaks.

I want my life back.  I wish it were possible, but it’s not.  For us all.  

[KarenK]

I don't notice many children in this old neighborhood. I've been here forever and that "boom" happened when Debbie was little. She would be 56 now. There were less when Robert was growing up. He is 42. In fact, the only ones I hear are my neighbor's children playing with their visiting friends which there are a ton of. Fifteen cars worth weekend before last. Actually it's not the noise of children having fun that bothers me, it's my 2 large loud dogs barking at every sound. There are at least 4 loud dogs in near proximity and when one barks, they all follow. I spend a lot of time shushing them, like that works.  lol

Lost my desire to hear Xmas music a long time ago. Very little to celebrate now. My son mentioned getting a real tree this year. He may change his mind when he sees how expensive they are. I certainly have the decorations. We all want to recreate what once was. It can't be done.

[kayc]

There's kids in my neighborhood, I love hearing their squeals of delight, but it's poignant too, a reminder that I too used to be part of a bustling family and now I'm just alone, so kind of sad at the same time.

[nashreed]

There's squeals of joy, and there's annoying yelling. There's a Ross commercial now- they play it ALL the time. This girl gets a guitar (from Ross?!?) and screams. So annoying and irritating. They must have gotten complaints because a couple of weeks later they changed the scream to one that's more squealy. 

I don't have any physical things going on except my back has some arthritis and spazzes out sometimes. Nothing too bad, not anything like Annette who was often at a 10 and still had joy and a smile for me. I miss her so much. 

I wouldn't ever do Zoom calls. I'm much too unattractive. 

[Margm]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m not trying to run, but I’m not sure I want to get into more peoples losses.

My first (and last) cancer survivor group did not help me, and at that time I could not help them.  My group at the church, like the one Kay chaired (I think) had me hysterical when I would leave each one.  I was grieving a husband, they were grieving children, and it honestly made my problem seem small compared to theirs.  I knew they did not want to be in a meeting grieving lost children, and I think I went three times.  Each time I left crying.  This group is the only  one that has helped me.  One on one with a grief counselor that has had 20 years training does not compare to one person who has felt your real feelings.  I have not had COVID (and I'm knocking on wood, and hope someone understands that meaning), But, I have had grief, and there are some of you who have nearly drowned in the different forms of grief.  We have depression, but it is situational depression that I do not believe a pill will cure/help.  We are here, and that is all I can say.  I didn't think I was "cured" but I did think I had gone many miles down my path, only to start over again, and perhaps skim along, until I can't.  

[Margm]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

We all want to recreate what once was. It can't be done.

Agree 100%.

[scba]

I agree too.

Marg, I understood the expression knocking on wood. 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Marg, I understood the expression knocking on wood.

Love you Ana, I figured that was one of my old timey country sayings, we have so many.  Think they must have it in other countries also.  In fact, we may have swiped it.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have had grief, and there are some of you who have nearly drowned in the different forms of grief.  We have depression, but it is situational depression that I do not believe a pill will cure/help. 

Agreed, Marg.  Try telling that to doctors tho.  Depression and grief complicate physical maladies.  I am grateful for anxiety meds.  I had a hard enough time living with my disorder before this quarantine.  Also being alone going thru it.  What a difference it would be if Steve were here.  Today was a Zoom meeting about a local virtual support group.  I’m not sure I want to do it.  I may try one, but 15 people is a lot and they have closing meditation and quote readings.  I’m just not into that stuff.  

I’m terribly lonely, but not everything can fill some of the void.  I’ve really noticed how particular I have become what I want and need.  It can be more depressing to get into something out of desperation.  

Today I felt like I did everything wrong.  The intake meeting required sitting uncomfortably.  Didn’t get any exercise so muscles really hurt.  Took a shower and it was the hardest yet because of this.  Slept on the wrong side last night.  Should have skipped washing my hair.  Changed towels.  Just kept pushing myself.  Still need to write the neurosurgeon about how to get movement that is not damaging.  

I’m just all over the map today.  Went to Safeway for some salad.  Eating is so tough to do healthily.  The holidays are hitting me hard this year.  Just like many people.  I just wish more would comply with the no gathering.  Watching the news is too depressing.  Thank gawd for mute buttons as I want to keep up with other news but so tire of the virus and how it’s changed the world, probably forever.  I just want to curl up and sleep.  Escape.  Wish I was a bear for the next few months.  🐻

[Kieron]

Knock on wood comes from an old superstition about faeries or spirits (sometimes called dryads) living in trees, and to knock on wood was to avert bad luck.  If I remember right, before cutting a tree for wood fuel or lumber, it was customary to knock on the tree to wake up the spirit and let it have time to leave and go to another tree, so that cutting the tree wouldn't injure the spirit somehow.  I took a class in comparative mythology and learned that there are a lot of beliefs, folk customs, superstitions etc about trees and the natural world in general.  I think the saying evolved to knock on wood to avoid jinxing oneself or having bad luck.

Just your factoid of the day.  😄