My Sanity Needed Vents

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Dee, does your son have a dog you can visit with in your new home?

kayc:  Yes, he has two elder labs; Sasha, age 15, and Nevada; age 13.  I know they won't be with him much longer, but they are sweet and special to my son.  I am hoping my being there I can keep them company during his long work day.  My Maddie used to annoy the heck out of them, as she was an Australian Shepard Mix so would try to herd them.  lol.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I used to watch the herding dogs at the off leash parks.  Poor things.  All these dogs ignoring them, occasionally snapping at them and they’d get so frustrated.  A bit of comic relief.  There was a full blooded border collie that ran himself ragged there.  I bet that dog slept well at night.  🙂

[Kieron]

On 1/2/2021 at 5:02 PM, Gwenivere said:

All the empty places are becoming normal.

Yeah, I get this.  This past weekend, "holiday" weekend, was grueling in a way it hasn't been in a while.  The hollow purposelessness was so strong it was almost tangible.  I think I got through to the other side, but back to the ordinary work week, and doing it all over again.  There is simply nothing to look forward to, other than spring and that's at least 4 months of snow and ice to get through.  🥴

[Gwenivere]

Last night I found I was not getting any oxygen.  I thought I had felt a bit odd all evening.  I check it before bed and found no flow.  I was up til 5 changing what I could as I found the machine was putting it out. I got so worn out I finally went to sleep.  Had a hard time dressing and looking for more supplies.  Turned out it was the long 50 foot tubing so I can move around the house.  Luckily I had one.  I was tense going to sleep and all night, but I did find my muscle pain was a tad better after getting back on the oxygen which makes sense.  I’m glad it’s resolved, but so tired from lost sleep and yet another problem.  Depressed I am more dependent on it than I realized.  As long as I do nothing, I’m OK.  Just feel so down with another crisis.

we had such major rain and wind last night, my fireplace candles were wet.  I had to dry out the 4 I light.  One each for Steve, Ally, our parents and all our other dogs lost.  So oxygen deprived and bending as the darkness without them was too cold.  

I got an email from my childhood best friend about covid, voting, and various others things she called a hoax.  Then expounding on absurd conspiracy theories that stunned me.  I couldn’t believe what I was reading and worse being so tired and frustrated. 

The church had pizza and Caesar salad for dinner.  So that’s the plus of the day.

I know we aren’t targeted by some power, but sometimes I wonder.   I don’t know if ostriches really put their head in the sand, but I sure want to.  

[kayc]

21 hours ago, widow'15 said:

kayc:  Yes, he has two elder labs; Sasha, age 15, and Nevada; age 13.  I know they won't be with him much longer, but they are sweet and special to my son.  I am hoping my being there I can keep them company during his long work day. 

Dee, I'm glad, it will be good for them to have you there, as well as to you for company.  I was very close to Skye, my first granddoggy that lived with me half the time my son had him.  He was like one of my own but with granddoggies we are not so tough as on our own, I raised my kids w/tough love, but I've gotten softer over the years!  Results in a very spoiled Kodie! 

Gwen, Kodie likes to "herd" also, esp. me!  The Husky pup he plays with is three times his size but sometimes goes under the porch for a reprieve!    He loves to wrestle with her and run and chase her, we watch her leap over him, they're funny together!

I'm with you, Gwen, would like to be an ostrich for the day!  Instead I have to go to the church and try to tackle horrid gov't forms for end of the year payroll reporting.  Ugh, I'd rather take a good beating!  BS up to 117 again today, stress.  Not worth it, can't wait for that job to be done, two more months of this!  Did I say, ugh?

I'm sorry you had to be w/o your oxygen, how horrid!  I hope you have another spare tubing, I wouldn't want to be w/o a spare when you never know...  

Hopefully today you can light your candles again.  And nap.

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Last night I found I was not getting any oxygen.  I thought I had felt a bit odd all evening.

Gwen:  Hoping you were able to get some sleep last night.  Sounds like there should be an "alarm" on your oxygen supply when it doesn't work properly  ???.  Hoping to hear from you soon. 

Sorry you were enable to enjoy your candles.  I so hope this monsoon we are experiencing will end soon although the local weather channel doesn't predict it will.  I just keep telling myself, at least it isn't SNOW.  Take care, Dee.

[Gwenivere]

There is an alarm on the generator, but it wasn’t the problem.  It didn’t know there was a leak in the tubing.  It wouldn’t.  That’s when you become the detective, but at the worst time.  I did have a deep sleep last night.  I was exhausted from missing sleep and the daily pain drain.  Of course, it’s right back with me now that I’m up.  I don’t know who to turn to anymore.  Docs just talk about tests, meds that I am on that I know are causing side effects but they don’t change them as there is nothing else and living with it until they can do surgery that I don’t want.  

This darkness in our area makes it especially hard to deal with the depression and despair.  I try and read all the articles posted and I find on the web and they all talk about leaning on your support people (family, friends).   Get a counselor, check, volunteer, can’t do it, find something that makes you feel good about yourself, a bust there, explore new places, have no interest.  All sound like excuses, maybe they are, but I’m beyond forcing myself into things.  Can’t make support magically appear. Can’t heal my body even a bit as I’ve tried.  Good things about myself I hear, but I don’t feel.  

I was never a loner and now I am forced into that kind of life.  I had a few brushes with it in my early years and I withered, but youth brings new avenues.   Now I am in it again, but limited by age, not only of myself, but others who are mostly established in their relationships.  Others alone you obviously can’t find as they are in the same predicament.  I’m not savvy about, nor inspired, to take to the computer to find 'friends' locally.  The few people I have come across I can’t interact with more from physical limits.  Just talking is not %100 fulfilling. It’s sharing experiences that solidly  bonds.  

I have, if I attend, a Zoom grief support meeting tonight.  They are good while they last and then your screen goes blank when over.  Poof.  You’re left sitting where you were.  The only warm bodies I am semi close to is out shopping.  But no conversation.  I know some of you are or seem to be doing better about this.  Some say they were like this anyway, tho do feel more emptiness.   

This is getting repetitive as I have become because of being forced to be someone I’m not and don’t want to be.  Tho maybe not fighting it is key as it hasn’t gotten me anywhere in all the trying.  Maybe it's time to surrender and accept being a prisoner of loneliness.  I think I have, but it hurts so much.

 

[nashreed]

I feel like I'm a prisoner of loneliness as well. You can be around people who don't understand you and be lonely. There's nothing I can do. I was so used to having a friend to talk to when I wanted to talk, and understood when I didn't. She understood my weird jokes, weird moods- she was there and I never knew how good I had it. There's just no hope for me but to just get through the day with my music and trying to keep engaged. I'm just bored with everything- nothing matters without her, when there's nobody to share your thoughts with. I am glad I am in decent health. I'm trying to be thankful, but I just want this life to be over with already. 

[widow'15]

25 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

This is getting repetitive as I have become because of being forced to be someone I’m not and don’t want to be.  Tho maybe not fighting it is key as it hasn’t gotten me anywhere in all the trying.  Maybe it's time to surrender and accept being a prisoner of loneliness.  I think I have, but it hurts so much.

Gwen:  I am glad you got some rest and imagine the realization each morning that once out of bed, the pain sets in for the day.  It is good to know there is an alarm on generator. 

I hear your concern about being forced to be someone other than yourself and wish there were some easy solution to your pain without having surgery.  You have made it this far without surrendering and am sure you will continue on doing what you know is best for you.  This loneliness is the same for us all but at the same time is not the same because of so many differences in our present situation or our past when we had our partner.  Just please know I think you are an true survivor of a bad situation.  Hugs, Dee

[scba]

You are left sitting where you were....

I take this phrase from Gwen to sum up what lockdown means when you live alone. At some point I cancelled all the online courses I have signed up. This resolution felt more isolating but I couldn't put up with seeing a teacher and people, which btw I didn't know, through a screen. I didn't feel connected at all with anybody and anything. 

[Kieron]

I know what you mean, Ana.  My t'ai chi class moved to Zoom many months ago and for awhile, I tried, but it's just not helpful or useful, and hard to see the subtle things, receive corrective advice, etc.  Plus i always ended up drifting out of the range of the camera.  It just felt silly and easier to just stop, and chalk up one more regret in a year full of small regrets.  Although I notice it's easier to manage these kinds of things fresh with new topics/new people, versus adjusting from formerly in-person to video.

[scba]

I know what you mean. I dropped my former in-person yoga lessons and turned to a YouTube teacher. The videos are there for when I need them and I don't depend of apps, bad wifi connection, small mobile screen and changing schedules. I also dropped my conversation classes because I was tired of conversing through a screen and maybe I'm old fashioned but I prefer to learn with a teacher and a blackboard, a pen and a notebook.

I took a course on finances. Videos were uploaded and I could watch them any time. However, I got behind schedule and when the course was over, the videos were removed from the platform. 

I may turn to self study. Borrowing a book and YouTube. Further isolation is very bad, I have been there for 2 years.

Unfortunately my therapist is doing Zoom meetings. I will keep them. 

 

[kayc]

Did what I could of year end yesterday, but soc sec wouldn't let me in.  They would not accept/return calls either.  Took everything home and called them at 4 am (7 their time) and it still won't.  She told me to have my assistant register & do it.  Sounds easy if it works out.  However, still will have Oregon's W2s & W3 to do, and then I think one more Fed. form, ugh.  BS still up from the stress.

Gwen, so glad you got some sleep.  I'm not getting enough, it's essential.  As soon as I got to sleep last night someone called for my kids' dad, told her he hadn't lived here for over 20 years, gave her his numbers.  Geesh!  Up almost every hour on the hour until 3:45 and gave up trying then.

Ana, I too have bad internet connectivity lately, always slow and limited, but sometimes barely creeping or not there.  Makes it hard to get anything done.

My nieces & nephew quit school (all three were to graduate this year and parents were going to take them to HI to celebrate, had to cancel) with no in person learning, they couldn't keep up or figure out what to do.  I think schools need to refund them!  But you know they won't.  One was a senior in HS and two Seniors at U of O.  I hope they try again once in person resumes.  They'll still be on the line for the $ regardless!  Makes me wonder how many are struggling.  Our church has a learning center in the youth building for kids who don't have computers or need help with it.  They're not getting cooperation from some of the teachers, everything done by zoom or such.  We have a couple of adults helping them.  Otherwise they'd probably flunk.

 

[Kieron]

It's bad, for sure... I am so glad my folks aren't still raising me, so glad I paid off my loans.  We are saddling young people with odious debt, and for what?  Dubious degrees, speculative jobs that may never materialize?  It's the definition of insanity.

[scba]

 

A friend of mine is a middle school teacher. The school has middle-low income students. The instructions she received from the school principal were: we must keep the students. A student showed up at Zoom wearing a big coat covering his head, he was sitting in his backyard, in the cold weather with his mobile and headphones. He wasn't taking notes, just sitting there, shivering. Who knows what was going on indoors with his family.

Home schooling has failed across the world. There's no vaccine to close this gap between poor and wealthy that seems to get wider and wider.

 

[widow'15]

59 minutes ago, scba said:

Home schooling has failed across the world. There's no vaccine to close this gap between poor and wealthy that seems to get wider and wider.

Warning:  I apologize for my venting to all who have responded to this topic:   I agree that this definition of "Home Schooling" is failing.  I can only relate that there are so many different reasons that this type of educating our youth has not been the same in all school districts.  My son, a truck driver, has had to report to work daily since this pandemic horror.  He has been labeled an "essential worker" so all those at home have groceries to eat, clothes to buy, businesses to attempt to stay in business, or hospitals supplied with their needs, etc, etc.  His son, age 14, who is under his roof 50% of the time, spends less than 4 hours on line daily with a teacher.  A daughter, age 10, in another school district does spend more time on-line learning.  To add to this, her mother is required to work from home.  The mother's 16 year old son is on-line from another school district struggling, as he has fallen behind in his classes.  That is three different school districts attempting to educate three different children with one mother working at home.  In my humble opinion, that is a lot to expect from a family.  I cry for the children whose parents are unable to afford or oversee their children's on line schooling.  But, I have little sympathy for the teachers who won't go into a classroom but are still drawing a salary paid for by our hefty taxes.  We are definitely losing a generation and those who are managing an on-line education will be the ones to "pay the piper".   Enough said. Dee.   

[scba]

Dear Dee. I'm sorry about what your son's family is going through. Your son's service deserves respect and gratitude.

I agree with you that we are loosing a generation. This is going to create a massive grief-anger-frustration crisis in younger generations IMO.

One of my passion is history. A lot of ink has been spent discussing about events that took place in the past and are seemed to be back. However, we have no idea about how a globalized post pandemic world could be like. 

[Gwenivere]

I’ve only seen the stories about online schooling.  This is horrible.  The working from home seems to be quite good, but this is different.  Students need access to teachers so much.  I can’t imagine not being to raise my hand or request meeting after class.  Thro in this dreadfully slow internet now that everyone is using it for everything.

i don’t know what the post pandemic world will look like.  Much of the small charms of the world will have vanished from economic strangulation.  I don’t know how the health care system will change.  It will be more strict about contamination.  I wonder if workers in that field will ever really relax enough to trust being with patients without fear so patients would feel there is more of a connection. The world will never be as comfortable as it was.  It will be the generation growing up in this that will know no difference.  Kids that adapted as they do to whatever adults are doing and the time it is going to take to re establish trust.  Dating and 'hookups' are sure changed.  I see the hookers on a main drag here and wonder how that is done now.  Riskier than it was.  (I get lots of time to think about odd stuff in the car driving since that is about all I can do most days)

 

 

[Gwenivere]

 

Just a daily babble......

Just got a message from my doc.  Same old crap.  I don’t know how many times I have told him I can’t get iron infusions because I can’t get in there from the back pain and they won’t come get me.  Yet he says it every time. Also to see a gastroenterologist to see why my iron has dropped which means an endoscopy and probably colonoscopy.  Number 1, don’t want those and 2, lower priority than the back plus no one to be with for anesthesia.  It’s so frustrating getting the same advice.  Doesn’t he remember all our conversations where I have pointed this out and he sees the problem?  Talk about feeling like you just don’t matter.  

Haven't heard even a 'boo' from the back guy.  Can barely walk or do anything and it doesn’t seem to matter either.  Not unless they can cut me open and covid is delaying that as well as my fear.

Had a Zoom grief support meeting last night.  Almost skipped it, but glad I didn’t.  Always hard to hear the people that have family left, but the loners and I connect.  One exercise was to close your eyes in a breathing exercise and think of someone/thing you are grateful for.  I came up with nothing.  They meant more than the obvious like food and shelter.  One guy specifically asked me what I had meant last meeting about no friends as he said that would drive him crazy.  And how could that be that mine all drifted away.  I said it does drive me crazy and I couldn’t control their loss from my life.  As the very few I had were busy living their lives, they somehow dropped me out of that.  I can’t force people to include me.  Another pointed out you can’t just replace them either and another said she often didn’t tell anyone she was a widow, like at work, because she knew they wouldn’t understand and think she should be 'better' after a few years.  Last thing they do is ask you to pick a word for how you are feeling. Many picked gratitude.  I said lonely, but one guy said broken.  That was the word I was searching for.  I felt pretty decent after, but that faded quickly as the evening dragged on in its usual tedium.  Had to do some household tasks that hurt.  Couldn’t put off feeding the birds.  Was smart enough not to shake out Mel’s bed cover, but have to today.  Will have to brace for that.  

Counseling today with my guy who was on vacation for weeks.  Knows nothing about how the holidays sucked and will probably point out how the surgery is a chance for relief (I know that!) but has never had to face that gamble.  And do massive rehab to find out and if it doesn’t, I’m stuck with pain and then hardware inside me that starts the cycle of more down the .  line.  He’s had his hips done, much different and way less risky.  Plus you get years on those.  

Im just cranky and worn out.  Tired of rain.  Tired of darkness here.  Tired of paying for home maintenance.  Got a huge bill for the roof and gutter cleaning that is still looking like it wasn’t done from rotted gutters.  But I saw the bags of debris the guy got.  Dog poop cleaner was just here for about 10 minutes that costs a lot every 2 weeks.  

I’m afraid to check my credit card balance.  Today will tally a lot that was pending.  

Those support meetings have a residue......make me realize how much I miss Steve.  Even tho he seems like a lost dream now, they make it real again.  Don’t really like either option.  

 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I have little sympathy for the teachers who won't go into a classroom but are still drawing a salary paid for by our hefty taxes.

My niece is one of those teachers.  But she is a good teacher and does her level best with the situation she's in now.  You might think this is easier for them, but it's not, it's harder.  Some of the teachers are creative with it, some fail miserably.  It seems harder on those who have worked years and years in the classroom and done things a certain way.  The younger newer teachers seem more able to roll with it, more tech savvy, more innovative.  But one can't generalize either way, they vary a lot.

My heart goes out to my nieces and nephew who are struggling, they've always gotten As before, excelled, now this.  They must feel so discouraged!  

My neighbor's kids have about given up on school, their grandmother still works (no mother around) and their dad is ill equipped to lead them in schooling, he's battling cancer.  One just graduated high school last year and with no job openings, she's just hanging out.  Everything's closed so not even volunteering available!

My granddaughter should be in kindergarten.  Her mom made the ill timed decision to work part time, Ceci is five, Vincent is three.  So they're stuck in front of a video and told not to disturb her for a couple of hours?  She's missing crucial social development right now.  Their church has been shut down for a year, so is her ballet and sports.  Now they're living in the boondocks so friends far removed.  What is to become of these kids?  My son also has to work from home, sequestered in his office with meetings.  I think she needs to quit her xxxx "job" as it's not helping financially (requires her to go to Haiti periodically and with 45% income tax rate and babysitters when she has to go in for meetings, just my opinion for the 2 cents it's worth.

 

[kayc]

I'm glad you had your mtg, Gwen, I can't do Zoom here and my already super slow speed internet is down to 1/3 of that, pages won't load, etc.  It's nuts.  We don't get any credit for that and of course we spend MORE time not less trying to do what we need to.

Up since 1 as I couldn't get back to sleep, will really drag today.

It's hard for us to remain upbeat when we don't have anything to look forward to, no respite.  The whole last year is taking its toll.

We aren't meant to live like this.  What good are all the medical advances if this is the life they give us?

Just thinking aloud.  Gwen I could relate to your sentence about this is all you have now.

Discovered moss on my front porch and dog pen.  Makes me wonder what the roof is like, I hire it cleaned every year.  Could it have grown on there that quickly?  Need to get it checked out, I can't get up there.

So have to work again Saturday and possibly Monday to get these end of the year tax forms done.  I actually miss the days they were on paper, I'd be done by now.  When you lose sleep and time because you can't get in to their stupid site or it doesn't work...

[scba]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

 she often didn’t tell anyone she was a widow, like at work, because she knew they wouldn’t understand and think she should be 'better' after a few years.  

I do the same.

 

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

It seems harder on those who have worked years and years in the classroom and done things a certain way.  The younger newer teachers seem more able to roll with it, more tech savvy, more innovative.  But one can't generalize either way, they vary a lot.

Yes, and this applies to other professions in which this "pivot" (getting tired of that word) has forced more established or set-in-their-ways workers to adapt and be creative, or give up and burn out.  I've struggled with this myself, and am only now starting to reach my stride.  I can now use 4 platforms of video conference with ease--- woot!  Dubious accomplishment but I take what I can get.   And despite the adaptations, it does wear a person out faster, to be forced to do more with less.  I've seen the complaints about teachers, but it's human nature to want things cut and dried.  Yes, some are lousy and need to go but are hanging on until retirement, but the same argument can be applied to many, many other professionals-- especially the career politicians.

[kayc]

It's been so hard to see my nieces & nephew & granddaughter fall by the way in this "new" system.  It's not working very well.

Our governor says she wants to prioritize getting kids back in the classrooms, but it remains to be seen how that'll pan out, my guess is that will keep getting pushed back further and further, as everything is.

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, kayc said:

It's hard for us to remain upbeat when we don't have anything to look forward to, no respite.  The whole last year is taking its toll.

We aren't meant to live like this.  What good are all the medical advances if this is the life they give us?

I struggle with this every day and today it’s another repeat.  I knew a new year wouldn’t be a magical change.  Now it’s crazed stuff about getting vaccines out smoothly, which isn’t happening.  We are coming up on a year and the toll is hitting even the most hardy of people.  

No, we aren’t meant to live like this.  I see what I write, think and talk about.  The things that used to matter but don’t anymore.  How being locked down has created such anxiety in people.  I hate not seeing people’s faces nor them mine.  If we can’t touch, couldn’t we at least see a smile?  The stress is hitting me with all kinds of physical stuff beyond the major.  Headaches, anxiety, digestion, even coordination.  I’m at an age these could be signs of serious stuff, but no motivation to pursue to extend this existence.  But human nature makes me call the docs.  All it does is frustrate me as they aren’t savvy in the mental side and I think that should be a part of medicine.  I’ve been discharged from ER's for anxiety when my lung condition has flared.  Now even the option of that horrid place is a nightmare as they are turning people away because of Covid.  The news is instructing paramedics to determine who is transported or not if they can’t be stabilized within 10 minutes.  They’re now going to have to choose who gets more care or not.   

The only advice I have gotten from my docs is talk to the other one, get invasive tests or worse - nothing at all.   

It really makes no sense, but then nothing does these days.  It’s a very harsh reality out there.