My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

If we can’t touch, couldn’t we at least see a smile?

Oh Gwen, this is the hardest, no interaction, no touch, no smiles.

I wrote this in the pet section a bit ago...

18 minutes ago, kayc said:

Yesterday I took my Christmas tree & decorations down and put them away.  Was never hard in the past but this year my hands hurt so bad and the surgical wound on my right hand is still in a lot of pain and swelling.  It swelled up so bad last night and my whole hand/wrist just in severe pain.  Kodie laid on the couch with me and looked at me with such love and adoration and proceeded to lick my hand/wrist where it's hurting, very thoroughly.  It actually felt a little better afterwards!  I've never had a dog quite so intuitive responsive to my pain before.  Makes all his digging & pulling seem unimportant.

My point is, THIS is the love they bring to us!  This is what makes it so worthwhile.  And when they're gone, we hurt to that degree, missing them so much.  But no way would I opt NOT to have had them in my life, nor my husband either (I lost him 15 1/2 years ago...I've learned to live with it but I still love and miss him, just like I do Arlie now.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

All it does is frustrate me as they aren’t savvy in the mental side and I think that should be a part of medicine.

I totally agree!  Our physical is WHOLE-istic!  Our entire body, mind, attitudes, feelings, it's ALL connected!  But our medical system is all fragmented!  One person knows one section while yet another knows another part, it seems none can put it together for the whole picture!  In the old days that was not the case.  The more "knowledgeable" we've become, it seems it's all been specialized so no one is getting the whole true picture!  

[Gwenivere]

Another thing that bothers me is when did docs stop talking to each other?  Back in the day, my old doc would personally put in a call to a specialist which helped so much for the lingo and getting the person up to speed before I even got there.  Now they saw have them call if they need my input. Well, YOURE sending me there, doesn't it make sense they’d want that, the history leading up to it?   

Warning.....self centered pity party ahead.........

Spent yesterday afternoon setting the complicated groundwork for all new RX's I need now under Medicare.  Trying to keep my cool doing a much hated task as it’s medical.  My frigging new social life.  Got a little good news, but lots of speed bumps that hopefully will be addressed now with my insurance reaching out to the docs prior to when orders are placed and I can hopefully skip submitting the order forms.   Of course, this is what I was told.  Always subject to being wrong.  I have no trust in what I am told til it actually happens.

today a call about a life insurance policy and how it fits in my taxes and double check my cousin was added as a beneficiary.  At least my financial people know what they doing.  

Then another beginning of a weekend.  Still hate those.  Heck, I hate everyday.  It’s all one big blur.  Weekends are just more seeing couples taking a break to be together, even if they work from home.  

Did my shower routine last night.  Slept too loo long on the worst hip from exhaustion so limping more today.  Big highlight will be getting Whoppers for dinner.  Maybe a sandwich on sale today only for later in the weekend.  Seems I’ve totally abandoned cooking.  I replaced eggs as mine were months old and Safeway had a special for $.69.  They’ll probably sit til they get too old, but it’s a security thing knowing they are there.  I’m constantly amazed at how food has changed around here from the once healthy cooking I did 4 nights a week and planning for it.  I bought more bread and cheese too on this sale I didn’t need.  Old habits.  I so miss when these were needed purchases for the family.  Nothing feels as depressing as hitting the checkout and deciding to pass cutting-my purchase in half.  I miss being active too.  I’ve gained 5 pounds and it’s all in my gut and butt.  Mostly bloating from food changes.  Hate having to struggle fastening y Levi buttons.  Always looking  partially pregnant when I see myself.  

Discovered a rash on my upper chest.  Hoping its nothing serious because....it’s medical and I just don’t need something else, no matter how small.  I’m hoping my Zoom meeting with my doc next week will be sufficient for him to see it.   The closest clinic I think I can use is very far away but I haven’t received my 2021 Medicare info of approved places.  That’s a whole nuther whine about this switch I was forced into.  Every time I think I am settled it changes.  Don’t want to take the chance I’ll be on the hook for the total amount which is never less than $200.

i have totally lost any memory of a content day.  An easy day.  

[nashreed]

I'm sorry, Gwen. I know what it's like to go from trying to eat healthy with my wife to just eating crap. My personal vice is Carl's Jr. Finally got my stimulus, so Yippee! Maybe it will bring on a heart attack sooner. 

I hate the weekend too. Just the thought that people have a social life. The Mexicans around here will sometimes blast their crap Mexican music on the weekend- Ugh. I can't get too crazy with the musical selections because my Mom is here. If it were sorely my choice, I would blast some stuff they really wouldn't like! I can blast Kenny Loggins or Elton John just the same. We used to dance at The Club on Saturday nights. Another lifetime ago.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Spent yesterday afternoon setting the complicated groundwork for all new RX's I need now under Medicare.

Oh gosh, Gwen, if you kept your cool yesterday you fared better than I did!  I got a letter from CVS Caremark telling me Walmart Pharmacy is no longer on Healthnet's preferred provider list!  I was furious!  I had ASKED Healthnet and been told they were for 2021!  I've requested their formulary & provider books three times since Oct. 15 and never gotten them!  I haven't been able to use their website once during 2019!  Reported it countless times, they've never once called me back or fixed the problem.  I got myself "authenticated" and had to listen to different languages, spiels about Los Angeles, like I care!  Took me 1/2 hour to get to a real person, got disconnected before getting my question answered, they never called me back...that after they "verified my phone number in case we get disconnected!"  Called and went through it again.  You guessed it, it happened AGAIN!  Called again, got someone who sounds like she's in TX, and she had to "transfer me" to someone else, she'd told me it was snowing and that's why they're having phone problems.  Doesn't explain the whole year though.  Finally got through to someone who said she saw the requests for the booklets, doesn't know why they never sent them, put in the request again.  I told her I WISHED I'd switched insurance but had just gone through surgery and didn't feel up to it, not that I feel any better now!  She put me on hold for another half hour while she checked with pharmacy and came back and told me no, Walmart is no longer in network.  So I checked about Walgreen's, yep.  I asked her WHY then did they tell me on Oct. 15 they WOULD be for 2021?  Never got an answer.  I told her I no longer trust anything they say, this is too many times of this!  I should be hearing it from THEM, not CVS Caremark!  I use CVS for mail order but was going to use WM for things I need right away like antibiotics or something.  Then I had to call my doctor's office and get the change into their records, the guy was nice and supposedly took care of it but that doesn't mean the doctor won't screw up next time like last time and call it in to the wrong place.  Took me many phone calls and time to straighten that one out!

Why does everything have to be such a battle!  Makes me glad my mom isn't alive to go through this, she didn't have the brain comprehension for it.  Things have gotten worse since she passed 6 1/2 years ago.  Gwen, I can't imagine having to deal with all the medical issues/doctors you have to deal with, each one adds more to our stress and frustration!

Most of you don't realize this but I have to correct everything I type as ever since my surgery my fingers stutter.  It's time consuming and sometimes I miss catching something.

I threw up my Rxs/supplements this morning, I did about a week ago too, wish I could remember the last supplement I added to my diet, maybe it's the culprit, I might try cutting back on them.  Don't know what made it in my system now and what didn't.  Maybe if I try breaking it up to taking things different parts of the day or with food since I'm doing intermittent fasting.  Life's a challenge!

Got an email from my DIL last night wanting me to come take care of her kids while she goes to Haiti again.  Gave her all the reasons I can't (AGAIN!), this time she addressed me as Kay instead of Mom.  She never acknowledges me or speaks to me unless she wants something.  I could come watch the kids in the summer but they're always busy in the summer.  It'd be hard to take Bruno out to pee on a leash as he's much too strong for me and my son hasn't yet built a fence.  He needs to put up something temporarily so he can go out on his own, even just a portion of yard would do!  he can do the other 3.6 acres later!  I can't be overnight when it's freezing as the wood stove is my only source of heat and I don't want the pipes freezing.  Surgery trauma is not healed yet and my hands still hurt, that was the tentative date for the contractor to pencil me in for replacing the back of my garage, that they want me to clean out and am unsure of the help I'll have for doing it.  I also have a doctor's appt the day she wants me to come, nope!

[Kieron]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Most of you don't realize this but I have to correct everything I type as ever since my surgery my fingers stutter.  It's time consuming and sometimes I miss catching something.

I was quite honestly wondering about that, Kay.  ☹️  I still wish there was some effective voice recognition program out there, but I know we discussed it once in some thread or another, and they were just no good.

As for the DIL, that use of your first name is telling.  I know that kind of person who ignores you until THEY want something.   Sorry you have to deal with her but good for you to stand firm.

[Gwenivere]

I agree, Kay.  It’s very apparent that your DIL is quite obvious in trying to 'use' you.  Good to see you made the right decision without guilt.  Strange how people forget we have issues we’ve already told them.  Heck, I’m not even sure I’d want to do it if I were 100%.  Maybe if it were an emergency, but a vacation does not qualify.  

As for the insurance.......don’t even want to think about going thru that again.  I know I will.  I’m still waiting on the 2021 info from my company I requested weeks ago.  All they managed to get to me were RX forms that I had already printed out.  I need to know about copays and where I can go if needed beside an ER.  I hate filing for reimbursement  or worse, there being none.  Those customer service reps have all the info at their fingertips.  We out here need that stuff.  I don’t want to call for every question I have and go thru the menus, get dropped, do it again with another rep.....ugh.   I feel your pain, sister.

[Kieron]

It's nowhere near comparable to that headache, but I am still waiting for my health "insurance" 🙄 card for 2021.  I called them yesterday during business hours and the automated message excuse was that the cards should arrive by January 8.  (Still nothing today, January 9th). When I finally talked to a live person, the alt-excuse was that they had just processed the premium payment on December 30th so it was taking awhile to send out the cards.  I pay how much for this and I can't even get a freaking insurance card on time?  Oh you can go online and print one off, so here's how, do this and this.  So I logged in, and turns out the feature of printing off temp insurance cards isn't available right now.  Honestly!  What a sick joke.

[Gwenivere]

Kieron, it’s just as frustrating.  For all I heard how much I’d 'love' Medicare, I’ve yet to see it.  Having 2 insurances to deal with now is crazy.  With the way Medicine is now, I’d feel very vulnerable not having an insurance card on me.  Almost like not having my drivers license or going into a store without a source of money.  Worst yet, you can’t make them hurry up.  Websites are so often a pain.  IF I can successfully create an account that retains my password, once in navigating can be as frustrating as being on the phone.  

[kayc]

On 1/9/2021 at 1:27 PM, Gwenivere said:

Maybe if it were an emergency, but a vacation does not qualify.  

It's part of her part time job that in my opinion she should have waited until her kids were older before constantly leaving them to run off to Haiti and play soccer with Haitian kids.  My son has a very demanding difficult job and he supports them, she keeps her money, he's even paying off her college debt, so let her pay a sitter to "work!"  She's made no bones about her "being an essential worker."  I don't think that's an essential job, working for a grocery store, medical facility or pharmacy, now THAT's "essential!"  Just my opinion for the 2 cents it's worth!

When I was young we never imposed on our parents, I traded babysitting with my friends who also had kids my kids' ages.  It worked out fine!

Kieron, I haven't gotten anything from my health ins either and can't get on line there, haven't been able to for a year!  Doesn't matter how many times I've called and reported it, they don't return calls or do what they say.

Found out the secretary is cutting her hours so that means I have to figure out and change figures in about 100 places, seriously.  Not looking forward to it, another day I'll have to waste down there!  Can't get out of this job soon enough!

[Gwenivere]

I spent way too much time Sunday trying to find out why my insurance's mail order pharmacy called me.  They left a code and then wanted my ID with them.  I don’t have an ID number.  A rep with Premera thought she found it, but it didn’t work.  So Monday I get to call the help line and see if regular hour reps can figure this out.  As I plan to use the mail order, it’s maddening this is a problem.  The rep I had agreed.  I could just feel my stomach clenching with every call I made.  There were 2 other numbers I was referred to getting the rep that really tried to help.  I hate how hard it is to get a human being these days.  Not looking forward to doing this again today.  I get a night dreading the day coming ahhhhhgain.  I already have Zoom meetings 3 days this week for med/psych stuff and I’m getting Zoom fatigue.  Same next week.  

I wish I could get reimbursed for Tums.  Gawd knows I use a lot of them on insurance days.  

[Kieron]

I'm sorry, Gwen. After a lifetime of paying into Medicare, one would think it would be easier than dealing with workplace insurance but I guess not.  ☹️  I recall a site called gethuman.com which has lists of companies and business where you bypass the automated crap and talk to a live person faster.   https://gethuman.com/

I've only tried it once and that was awhile ago.  For whatever it's worth!

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As I plan to use the mail order, it’s maddening this is a problem.

I can't count the times I've told them, "This shouldn't be this hard!  You DO realize you're dealing with OLD people, right?!"  My mom never could have navigated the "system" we now have!
 

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

https://gethuman.com/

Thanks, I'm bookmarking it!

[Gwenivere]

On 1/9/2021 at 8:31 AM, kayc said:

Oh gosh, Gwen, if you kept your cool yesterday you fared better than I did! 

That was in the beginning.  I’m not so good at that anymore.  About to dive into it again today and just want to cry.  Really.  My pain is my every thought and that the day is just another to slog thru.  That I’m only doing this as i normally would to get it solved as I did always for Steve and I.  Not feeling I matter to myself makes this even harder.  And if I succeed, I don’t feel that satisfaction I used to.  

Youre right. It’s more work now.  I don’t feel it is age for me.  It’s how insulated the various companies are now.  I adapted to 'menus', but hate ones that don’t offer a rep as a choice.  Or the call back option without choice.  I don’t know what I’ll be doing when they do, that is why I’m calling NOW.  

Thanks for that site, Kieron.  I’m going to try it too.  I’m so tired of having 2 or 3 numbers for one place.  I’ll try it this afternoon and see if it actually gets me to a human at one place I was totally unsuccessful at yesterday.

 

[kayc]

Gwen, it infuriates me that companies (or gov't) don't avail themselves to us anymore.  I treated patients/customers well for 45 years and now when it's MY turn, where is all of the customer service?!  Non existent.  I hate going through different languages, like English no longer counts, I hate the "if this, press that" instead of a REAL PERSON!  We had to DEAL with people!  We talked to them, we helped them, we problem solved, accommodated them!  Where is it now?!  Rhetorical, I know.  But gosh, for OLD people they should avail themselves, especially!

 

[Gwenivere]

Well, I don’t want to say just for old people.  Even if I were younger I would be angry I have to manually enter so much info to maybe get to a person just to have them ask me for it again.  Gawd forbid you make a mistake too with the menus.  Another thing I’ve never had happen is they ask for a callback number in case you’re cut off.  I have been many times and they never do.  So what’s up with that?  A couple times a rep has had to disconnect to try something and I make them swear they will call back.  

I’m more sensitive being deeply depressed, in pain and In grief.  Anything going wrong I’m not handling well these days.  I cannot hardly move today and have to sit at the kitchen table for a counseling session.  I’ll want to get out after but it’s going to hurt so much.  Getting up, dressed, tending to Mel and getting the mail has me overwhelmed in 3 hours.  The ONLY good thing today is I didn’t have to call my insurance companies.  More fun with that down the line when I need RX's for next month.  That starts tomorrow with my doc Zoom meeting and numbers he has to call and appeal for brand on 2.  

Just got an ad from Safeway about covid vaccines.  Want to call them and see if I’m a candidate being 65 and having a lung condition.  How I would get IN there is a whole nuther problem.  I may have to wait til they hopefully set up drive thrus somewhere.

[kevin]

Shout out from the North Country...In some kind of lockdown up here and its boring..Started taking down Christmas tree today and somehow managed to catch a cold...Weather has been mild so not much to complain about...I always have Games with Insurance claims but I'm getting better at it( or more patience)...... Can't wait for vaccines to kick in and this world gets back to normal....Mental health is a real threat these days...chat latter

[Gwenivere]

Aha!  You are one of those people.  The last hangouts for holiday lights.  😁

i think I’m getting better at this insurance stuff.   I certainly have pressed supervisors for better call in lines and have learned that often ignoring the menus will transfer you to someone or drop you.  I hope for the former.

mental health?  What is even close to normal anymore?  This world is so changed all definitions are useless now.  It’s going to have a new one written.  I’ve said stuff to my counselor that freaks me out about how I feel and he doesn’t bat an eye.  Hears it all the time.  That’s scary.

[KarenK]

I was on my way to the store today and I stopped at a crosswalk for 3 teenage girls. It felt so odd. There they were all decked out in their backpacks and MASKS! Reminded me of abandoned kids in an apocalyptic themed movie. It's sad to see the kind of world these kids are having to grow up in. But when you think about, kids in third world countries have been living in turmoil for years. Even sadder.  I guess reality is a little harder to accept when it hits home.

[kayc]

I didn't want to take my tree down, Kevin, but I did about a week ago.  My hands really suffered for it but I got it done.  Today I will be picking up branches from the storm we had last night.

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

I guess reality is a little harder to accept when it hits home.

It wasn’t a reality before, tho.  Not here.  We are adjusting to something we’ve never experienced before.  I feel the same looking at the world now too.  Notice if someone isn’t wearing a mask.  Seeing them for sale everywhere.  Fights about them.  The distance thing is new too.  No human contact.  Everything we did now restricted or prohibited.  

So yeah, it’s become reality.   But we lived another one our whole lives.  I still catch myself having to go back and get my mask or say screw it when dropping off some mail while people glare at me.  I can barely hobble in much less go back for it. I don’t get anywhere near them nor touch anything for the 5 seconds I’m in there.  But I get their reaction. We’re all living in a state of fear.  

Add in grief, depression, loneliness, pain and it’s one movie that definitely wouldn’t have been on my list.  I’m forced to watch it and live it anyway.

[kayc]

I had a very hard day yesterday, had to work at the church all day making the changes for payroll/taxes since the secretary decided to cut her hours.  Since we don't have a payroll module, it's a tremendous amount of work (manually) with a LOT or brain work!  Took hours and hours.  Got it done, also had her clean out the files.  All I have left are the budget meeting, showing her how to enter the new budget in, and I think I'll let my successors write the letters to the bank to add her on and take me off.  Need her to sign up for the insurance contact too, will be due next month.  We'll have the annual mtg and vote on the budget in a week, and then I can hand over my keys!  I feel like I've been released from prison and finally retired!!!

Will help in the kitchen, at least that doesn't require as much thinking...so long as my hands allow me anyway.

Today off to the dermatologist in the next town, get groceries & gas, drive back home, carry & put away everything, walk Kodie again, it'll be a long day, but then I can be home with Kodie tomorrow!  Haven't even read the paper from yesterday!  Way behind at home, at least I have wood in.

Gwen, I don't blame you for not going back for it...I've forgotten and had to retrieve mine from the car too many times.  

Yesterday on the radio they answered a listener who went off on people who don't "return their carts" at the store.  Called them scum, bad citizens, etc, really went insane with it!  The radio host listed instances where it's BETTER for people NOT to do so!  Mothers with infants in their car, can't leave them alone.  Disabled people that can't walk another step!  He listed all kinds of reasons, and he said, HE gladly returns them when he sees them!  Now THAT is someone with an understanding heart!  Those who are able bodied should do so, but not everyone is in the same boat!

[Gwenivere]

Some  days when I  find cart to get into the grocery store is a godsend.  Especially if it’s a mini-cart, those are the perfect height to lean on and not as bulky to push around.  It’s not cool to block parking spaces with them, but I’ll find them where another handicapped person left it.  Lots of room.  Some people just have to have something to complain about.  Lord knows I do my share, but I hope it’s legit like insurance and billing red tape.  

As always, I’m exhausted just reading all you do, Kay.  Wish I could be that productive.  I’m glad you have back up plans now that you will be free from the financial gig.  

[Gwenivere]

Another afternoon of almost 3 hours on the phone.  Had 3 calls to make all of which got complicated.  Had to pay out hundreds of dollars for 4 meds for 3 months.  They started talking appeals and I couldn’t take anymore.  A fight for another time.  I’ll wait til they get here and see if they were dropped a tier or not.  My housekeeper was here, thank goodness, because at one point my headset got tangled in my hair and I couldn’t get it out.  She did.  I was losing it.  When I escaped the house for a bit I was spent.  Sought solace in the Dollar Store and bought a few things I didn’t really need and forgot what I did so had to go back in.  The Burger King right by it was closed so had to drive to another which was packed.  I’m still steamed my doc only gave me 7 days of pain meds instead of a month like he did before.  This stress just makes it worse.  I sleep badly so it’s a strike against me right out of the chute.  And now another weekend.  Only good thing is no calls, but that also means living with the status quo which is awful.  

OK, think think think of something positive.   Hmmmm....my house is clean for a bit.  Maybe I’ll sleep Ok so a shower won’t kill me tomorrow.  Almost made myself laugh there because that ain’t gonna happen.  Hope springs eternal?  Not in my world!  🥺

[kayc]

Yesterday was scary, I went to the dermatologist and she found two possible melanomas & did biopsies so now I have to have a neighbor dress my wounds after I shower, I despise asking for help!  It doesn't help I'll have to disrobe for her to do it (on my back).  If they're positive it means surgical removals just as it's entering snow time.   But the truly scary part was getting groceries.  I stood and waited while a lady took her time getting brussells one at a time with a tong, she was in my way, I waited patiently, she moved onto something else and left her car sitting in my way.  I asked her nicely if she could move it a bit so I could get in, she didn't respond.  So I nudged it a couple of inches with my foot and squeezed in and she totally went off on me!  Told me to WAIT and I responded that I had, for five minutes!  She screamed and yelled at me repeatedly not to touch her cart!  I mean she was really unhinged.  I'm not one to back down, I was gentle and nice to her but firm, but I imagined her pulling out a gun like you see on the news, she was one of those.  Wow, I can't imagine.  Why doesn't she call her groceries in and get them curbside if she hates people that much!  It was a scary experience and I was ready to call 911.  Everyone scattered.  No store personnel emerged.  Not that I blame them.  Wow.  I am still shaken thinking about her.  So nice to be home today.

I finally got the provider list from Healthnet (took me several calls beginning Oct. 15), thick as Portland's phone book!  Can hardly lift it.  They don't have my doctor or new pharmacy, they have WMs but had previously told me they had them then they didn't.  Tried calling to clarify the discrepancies but they hung up or left me on permanent holds, then closed and no one ever responded.  Will have to try again Monday.  What good is this if it's not accurate?  And if it is accurate, I'm in trouble and they didn't tell me right before!  Did I say I hate doing business with them?  I should have switched ins during open enrollment but had just had surgery and wasn't up to dealing with it.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Another afternoon of almost 3 hours on the phone.

Ugh, I feel for you, that will be my upcoming Monday.    I'd rather take a good beating.  What has our world become that everything is a fight and a struggle?

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m still steamed my doc only gave me 7 days of pain meds instead of a month like he did before.

Don't they understand how hard they make it to have to deal with them this often!  We don't even WANT contact once a MONTH!
"Hope Springs Eternal" is only with Janette Oke.  I have hope when I die but don't see a lot to look forward to here.  I try to stay in today, if I look beyond that, it's too much to contemplate, much of it beyond my control.  Time to go get Kodie up, the bright spot of my day!