My Sanity Needed Vents

[widow'15]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You can jump out of bed, Dee?  I’m still crawling.  🤪

Gwen and all of us rusty widows:  I did say: "If I would have to jump out of bed".  I really doubt if I could jump if my life depended on it.  I think it is all relative to what our bodies can manage at this time.  Hurrying is also relative.  I doubt if my knees will let me crawl either.  My son is always saying Mom, I don't want you to fall.  I reply, "I don't move fast enough to fall". LOL.  Enjoyed everyone's input.  Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

The 'highlight' of my day is seeing if I can stand and walk at all every morning.  I do manage to stand, but walking is so painful.  I just called PT and left a message for my therapist saying we have to modify it to take that into account.  I can’t fix my back to do typical things others do to regain strength.  This adds to the frustration and trying to find motivation.  I had been talking about the mental damage being 'locked up' for 35 days does.  This morning I had a dream I was a kid in my populous neighborhood and one by one each of the kids disappeared til I was left alone.  No more hanging out and games.  It was devastating.  I know it was a reflection of what I feel now for what the being laid up did to me both mentally and physically.  I’m so sick of hearing about patience and being in the now.  I have no choice but the now.  I’m told not to jump into the future, but that is ridiculous.  I have to look forward and try and make plans.  I wish I had a hermit personality, but I don’t.  I’m used to being active and this is such a huge challenge I’m not sure I’ll win.  That is my big scare every single day.  Always goes back to a solution I can’t have......Steve.

[Margm]

Gwen, there are some days I think I could be a hermit quite happily.  Then there are some days I do not know how I feel at all and keep paper towels by my chair so I can cry at commercials.  Billy was so laid back, so slow moving, I mentioned (it had to be just yesterday) that he would be the last of all of us to "go" because he just would not leave.  And then, he left so fast I sometimes think he is still here.

I'm sorry you have so many things that slow you down, I know you want freedom like with Steve and sharing feelings and life.  I know you want to live without constant pain and fear. My sister took care of our Alzheimer's ridden mom.  She is nine years younger than me.  She has no one but me.  I feel sorry for anyone who has no one but me.  She thinks she will not have the Alzheimer's because she has COPD and is chain smoking in attempt to not live long enough to have the Alzheimer's.  I know what she is doing, but cannot stop her.  She had the cataract surgery and before the outside door was closed had lit up a cigarette, protective glasses off, with last warning to keep wind and dust out of eye.  I told her to put her glasses on and she said she had to have it for her nerves, just like I have to have my Xanax.  I'm allowed two Xanax a day, I take one at night (unless I have to be somewhere that my hands need to be more steady.)  I am a hermit-type because of the necessity to find bathrooms on fast notice.  I would imagine you understand both of us.  

George, you don't mention it much, but I think you lost your dad recently also.  That with your heart scare and having to keep working, which you probably enjoy, I would imagine your losing your dad would make all things new.  I'm sorry about that.  I lost Mama less than a year after Billy left, but we had really lost her years before.  I think some of the feelings I need to let go  of, they would make life just hit me in the face.  Sometimes I dodge things and just say "I forget."  They accept that as an answer (my family).  

I'm sure if we all took better care of ourselves, if we went to the gym and did minor things, if we ate correctly all the time, maybe we might feel better (nah, that's a big lie, I would feel worse.)

I think the  thing is, we sincerely care for all of us anonymous friends.  I know I do.

 

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

have you ever considered dropping by your local senior center to see what they offer. Our centers have social activites, luncheons, day trips, etc. in addition to various support and discussion groups. None of this may interest you, but it's also possible there may be other like minded people there. Certainly not a replacement for the one person you long to see, but maybe a temporary fix to stave off the loneliness. Only a suggestion because I care.

Luv Ya,  girl!

Thanks, Karen.  This has been suggested before and not something I have interest in.  I want to go back to my volunteering and making as much peace with the long nights as I can.  I know people mean well, but I’ve gotten so many suggestions, all things I know exist, but they have to fit you.  It’s hard to do when you are in deep depression.  It takes over so much energy and wish to try new things.  I’m also in an energy funk from the hospital.  I know there is a lot of stuff out there.  I’m tired of being in pain and now having to drag oxygen with me everywhere.  I make a terrible disabled person.  Cleaning the kitchen sink and counters started out hopeful but soon I was wincing in pain.  They want me to keep moving but it’s so distressing to find once simple tasks so taxing.  Feeds the depression.  I’m turning into someone who gripes all the time.  I even get tired of being around me.  

Like minded people would be a group of very unhappy individuals.  🙁

luv to you too.  You’ve always amazed me how you survive your 2 huge losses.  Both the things of nightmares.  

[kayc]

You have a goal, to get back to your volunteering, and that is a good one to strive for.  Living in the present, for me, means not to try to worry about the future so much.  Yes I have to have a budget, make plans, etc, we all do, we can't all live willy nilly and throw caution to the wind, but knowing my anxiety neither is it good to worry about the whole "rest of my life" which may or may not even materialize.  To do so detracts from whatever good there might be in today...and that is a relative term, I realize nothing is as it was when George was alive but I've also learned that comparisons are joy killers for me.  I don't have what I had yesteryear.  I'm well aware of that!    I still struggle not to worry about the future, I'm well aware of what it is to be alone and what "could happen."  I just try to stop the thought when it goes there.  Focusing on keeping going and striving for your goal will aid you in getting there.  You have made leaps and bounds beyond what I could have anticipated or expected, I'm very proud of you!  Yes you still have a ways to go but I truly believe, knowing you, you will get there.  You are an amazing person, just wish we lived closer!  I don't tend to get beyond the nearest city or once a month my son's.  Not driving in the dark has it's limitations.

For me, keeping moving would be eating!

 

[Margm]

Well, I guess we all have a purpose of some sort and yours is a most noble one.  You have your own place that you want to continue visiting, and I would imagine an oxygen tank is a thing that no one would ever notice in your help of people that need your help.  After 27-30 years of doing this, I would think your most familiar thing would be your volunteering.  And, that is something that is needed and I am sure, something that is looked forward to by many residents.  My daughter worked as a nurse with the older people (she had her last immuunotherapy IV this morning.)  Somehow or other,   she manages to be a part  of helping take care of those less fortunate than her.  I think they help a person (my  daughter, I'm speaking of) see people in worse condition than she is and she is there to help.  One woman called her in the middle of the night (my daughter was awake) to fix her TV changer.  These little things are huge mountains to some of us older people.  We have cable, a lot of TV channels, and I've learned how to  use Netflix.  Do not know how to use the Amazon Fire thingy, but do know how to use my Kindle, do not know how to use Hulu yet, but we always need someone to do the monstrous things that are mountains to us old folks and little bumps (no, not even bumps) by the younger person.  So, for your sake, and also for your residents in the nursing home you visit, I wish for you a speedy recovery.  I  know you do and I know you are missed.  After this length of time away, you have to remember what Robert Frost said.  I repeat it so often.  There is some reason I am still here.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

And, I remember my childhood, sometimes even more than my marriage:  “Friends are the pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes they lean on you, and sometimes it's just enough to know that they are standing by."  Anonymous

As a child we always had a porch, one with a swing on it.  Neighbors would come right on up.  Cannot do that anymore..  You have to be careful of the double barrel shotgun behind the door.  I miss my old country childhood.  When I drove by the house once, the swing was still there.  I remembered it being huge.  It was a tiny house with a tiny porch.  My mind and imagination were the largest part of that memory.  

[KarenK]

Marg, your childhood memories bring to mind our house in Houston where I was born and lived until about age four or five. It was a huge two story home with a grand staircase. I was so sure I had stood on the landing of that staircase in my long nightgown and flown to the bottom. This was right when the first Peter Pan movie was shown, so I guess I really can't fly. Later in life I saw photos of that house. It was a nice house, but far from huge. We did have a staircase, a maid, and a nanny though, just no lost boy in a green suit.

Gwen, I would never want to push you toward something you don't want to do. I just feel so badly for you and want to help, but don't know how. I survive because I have to. Like Marg, others depend on me or I like to feel that they do. Some days are harder than others. Yesterday would have been Ron's 73rd birthday. I didn't go to the cemetery because he's not there. He's inside my heart where he will remain. When my Debbie and SIL made the drive out here to see Ron as he was dying, she left a yellow sticky on my jewelry box. It says "I love u Mom. It will be OK. God is with U." Although I'm not religious, this was something she believed. In time, I will be OK.

[Gwenivere]

I nderstand what you mean, Karen.  If Steve were interred somewhere, I doubt I would go there as e isn’t really there.  Of course I miss the vessel being human, but the life force is so hard to be without.  I do miss his touch very much tho.  His voice.  Only my dogs depend on me now.  That’s important but I sure wish there was a human that did.

my childhood home was very basic.  All the houses were the same but reversed every other one.  Even as a kid it felt small with very small 3 bedrooms.i heard the neighborhood is falling apart now.  It was the yards, waking walls, catching lizards in the mesas and skating with steel metal wheels with keys.  To have 10% of that energy would be awesome.  

I think about age now too.  Steve would be 69 this year.  I’ll be hitting 65.  I remember when we watched the show Thirtysomething being that age range.  We certainly did not think about this age.  He only made 62, a couple weeks short of 63.  We did our wills in our early 50's still not comprehending hitting 6 decades.  It’s weird being older than him.  

I don’t know if I will ever be okay.  Sure doesn’t feel that way.  I think the day my soul gets rest will be it.  I don’t know what that takes.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

I survive because I have to.

That speaks for many of us here.

[Gwenivere]

Spent another frustrating day with medical stuff and a nephew that wanted a large loan.  I’m seeing a lot of my inner turmoil is things being so unsettled with all the doctors and tests.  I am restless all the time and dread seeing the answering machine in the morning. So many docs and agencies all wanting to focus on their specialty.  I live in this body that needs to be treated as a whole.  I wish I felt things were all in place so I could relax that everyone is on the same page.  I can’t be separated into one malady at a time.  Now that I see that , it is a goal.  I was missing one which just kept upping the stress and depression.  I realize I need different tests from different docs, but they all have to be put together to solve the puzzle.  I reached my limit when it became clear talking to a wonderful nurse from my insurance who is trying to make this happen.  She certainly wields more power than me.  I’ve made appointments and some are pending.  Now I have to do my job and get them and keep pushing for communication.  I say this with a faint soark of faith late in the evening.  I know I will still dread a blinking machine and incoming calls until or if things can be settled.  I spent my counseling session today laying it all out and she agreed.  I’m tired of doing odd things at all hours because of the annoying restless energy and then going into such deep sleeps I have to drag myself up.  This won’t happen overnight.  I’m sure I’ll still be quite discontent for awhile.  Bu I feel more validated that my wants make sense.  I’m tired of the dark cloud always hanging over me.  Even writing this can’t make it budge.

The loan situation was something I saw coming a mile away.  This nephew of Steve’s has not been interactive in my life for years.  I told him I’d have to think about it and contacted Steve’s brother.  He had loaned him the same amount and never got paid back.  He feels it is drug related and the nephew never called back when I said he needed to talk to said uncle.  I’m sure he figured out I found out and what my answer would be.  The only thing I give him dome credit for is having the balls to approach me.

i was watching the news about a woman who lost her husband, 2 daughters, 2 nieces and other family members in a plane accident about 20 years ago.  Essentially her whole family.  She started a mosaic therapy place for the bereaved giving up her practice as a doctor.  She said that the pain never ends, it actually gets worse (the girls might be married with their own kids now) and she has never felt any joy ever since this happened.  It was all survival and creating this place takes the emotional burden away for a little bit as creativity is in another part of the brain than the emotional place we normally live in.  I knew exactly what she was talking about as that is how I see my future.  This 'no depression' goal of my shrinks is unattainable and I know it, always have.  My counselor agreed. That has been a source of pressure I was doing something wrong or not trying enough.....of what, I don’t know.  So easy for the non depressed to think this should be fixed when they don’t have to live with it.  It was validating to hear that there is nothing wrong with continued love and loss that becomes part of us even when we seem OK to others.  

Karen, you came to mind as you had the horrible losses of a child and a spouse.

So, this may sound like I am feeling better.  I’m not, just seeing the clouds clear a bit on my needs and the reality of how life will be.  For me.  Each one of us still finds our own way dependent on our needs.  It’s finding the motivation to start trekking that path that is so very hard.  I was at the nursing home to visit a resident and he told me another I knew died in her sleep.  I was filled with envy as when that time comes that is everyone’s wish, I think.  Steve’s arms would be great, but that isn’t possible.  Never hearing the alarm tell me I have to do this again sounds the next best.

babble mode off again.  It could be all tears tomorrow.  I know life is unpredictable, but  more so now as time brings more problems with age and voids that wil never be filled.  

 

[kayc]

You visited the nursing home, that's great!  Not so great that another you knew is gone, but I understand your feelings, yes getting release from this everyday struggle is good...but now I have Kodie to consider and that changes everything.  He's pretty much the bright spot in my day.

Thank you for sharing about this doctor who gave up her practice to do mosaic therapy, never heard of that, but I know creativity is good for the soul.  Just haven't felt the desire to in recent years.  Used to belong to a group that made cards together once a month, new ideas, and also had a card exchange, it was fun but it's been a few years and since I can't drive at night that limits me.  Ironic that I didn't have time for things until I retired and as soon as I retired I lost my night vision.

I can't imagine losing your whole family at once.  I can't imagine what Karen has gone through, but I have to give you credit, Karen, you're surviving, I know, what choice do we have?

[Margm]

Gwen, so proud of you for visiting the nursing home.  My ex-daughter-in-law told us not to send my grandson money.  But, he is in rehab and a half-way house (we hear) and only hope he can get straight.  The woman that has his child, she is a sweetheart, and she will let him see her again, if he gets himself straight first.

You are progressing, and some might seem backward, but you my girl, you are not giving up, no matter what they throw at you.  I admire you my friend.  It was never promised to be easy, but we all are too weak to keep moving those big detour signs and treading the impossible.  But you are doing it.  

I notice I said "us" again.  I don't think I will ever stop............don't want to.

[Gwenivere]

Being home has been worse physically than in med jail.  My back is so bad I can barely get things done.  All my former swelling is back plus some.  Home PT has been cancelled as that was to build strength from being bedridden and my problems are somewhat that, but more the prexisting conditions they aren’t trained for.  Plus there’s no PT for swelling.  Have to wait til April for the tests to find out and what fun ways they have to treat it.  What I am noticing more and more is the sapping of what small resource of motivation I had.  When you know every time you stand up it is going to almost bring tears to your eyes, it’s hard to keep doing day after day.  I tweaked something Saturday and my whole right lower leg went dead for a bit.  Scared me to panic and hard to balance while trying to walk to my car.  It went away, but now I’m on alert.  I slept last night almost all the way thru because I’m exhausted by it all.  Life doesn’t stop, so as I had no appointments I spent hours on the phone trying to sort out medical and bank issues.  The corona virus scare is all over the news and I think all the people that died from it are in Washington, so more craziness here.  All drug stores out of masks and sanitizers.  You have to get different masks anyway than what they sell.  The common paper ones do nothing.  I decided I better fill all my medications before places start getting hard to get to as the scare grows.  I got notice that volunteering is cancelled and visitors are discouraged.  I don’t know how I’ll make my counseling and doctor appointments this week with my pain and lugging oxygen.  If I could laugh, it would be after I saw my shrink last Friday and he wants me to be depression free.  I’d happily settle for having a good reason to get up beyond feeding the dogs.  Like.....there was something I could enjoy in a day.  They are there, but I can’t feel them as I did.  Having fried chicken tonight that I loved but it’s just another lonely dinner.  Bills from my hospital adventure are coming in.  Ticks me off when the first bill  get says I’m overdue.  Like, really?  Where was the other one?  Ugh.  Fortunately I had a few Breaking Bads to rewatch, the movie of what happens to Jessy and Better Call Saul for brief escapes.  Off to call my roomie, we have gripe sessions every night.  Helps to get it out.

 

[kayc]

I heard on the news last night it was in a Seattle hospital, can't remember the name though.  Inside Edition said no one is shaking hands anymore.  Don't know where this will all end.  Kodie gives me incentive to keep going, if not for him...IDK.

It had to be hard when your leg went dead on you.  I saw Oprah was giving a motivational talk on having balance in your life, when she lost her balance and fell.  Hurt herself enough to ice it but nothing broken.  The irony was penetrable.  

My BS went up after eating some meatballs and coleslaw at the church potluck, guess I can't even do that, I try to be careful about my choices but man I'm hating Diabetes!  Can't eat anything I didn't prepare because I'm not sure what's in it.  At least I know chicken is safe but who can just eat a piece of chicken for a meal?

Your hospital bill is irritating!  Maybe they sent one and it got lost in the mail?  At least you have someone to commiserate with!

[Gwenivere]

Back in the ER. Last place I want to be but I can’t take the leg pain anymore.  I guess I could, but it’s ridiculous to think it is going to improve in its own.  Lots of people in front of me.  Just writing as I go.  Been here an hour and a half and just got triaged.  Was crying during that.  A Premera nurse made me see I had to do this even tho I am more vulnerable to germs in general but especially after my recent crisis.  They are asking all visitors to leave.  All I can hope for from this experience is hopefully getting the scan I was scheduled for in April.  I got a room!   Not a doc yet for test orders.  Watching the oxygen monitor is depressing.  If I do nothing I’m  fine.  Stand up and do anything and it drops.  I’m trying to figure out my goal here.  I guess more pieces of the puzzle.  The worst is if I get admitted again as mentally I don’t know how I will handle that.  They cured the pneumonia last time.  From commercials I have fear of what this would require. 

I’m home.  Had 2 scans all both were clear so my April appointment is cancelled.  No answers for the pain and swelling, but a lot of relief for no clots and NO admission.  Just hoping my doc on Friday will think of something for the swelling.  Also hoping it’s not congestive heart failure.  Had a test for that late fall and hoping that won’t be needed again.  I’m sick of that gel and hoping I can rinse off later if the pain allows.  

Thanks for keeping me sane.  All I did was type and retype kn this to kill the anxious waiting time.  The place I know I can reach out to and be heard.  No replies expected, just knowing you all are there.  One thought I had was if they wanted to admit me was asking they just send me to the loony tunes ward because I couldn’t handle another stint at this time.  But they’d take my iPad so it’s good they have bars on the windows.  Prolly not these days, but you get the drift.  😎

[widow'15]

Gwen:  It's been a busy few days for me and haven't had time to check in for very long to do much more than read a few remarks from all.  Right now I should be getting myself to bed, but felt I wanted to see what's happening with all before going to bed -- so sorry you had to return to ER.  Glad you're home right now.  Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you stay well.  Dee

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, my heart about stopped when I read you were back there again!  Am relieved you're home but wish they'd have answered some questions first and come up with a solution.  My XH had a saying, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."  Makes me think about that as they don't seem forthcoming with addressing your problems!

I hope you find out something.  CHF did cross my mind too.  My friend Jim has that, I think he's had it for years but didn't learn it until 2 1/2 years ago.  He really went through it, at death's door more than once, but he's doing pretty well now.  It's like a balancing act as he hates the Lasix because it keeps him up but he needs it to drain the fluid.  No one told us what we'd have to look forward to in our old age.  Mine is Diabetes.  It's not just avoiding sugar, there's so much more to it than that.

But I am glad you are home, esp. with that virus up there.  Personally I think that virus is going to be everywhere.  I heard it's in 89 countries now.  They haven't done a very good job containing it, should have not allowed anyone in/out of China until it was past.

[KarenK]

Gwen, so sorry to hear you had to brave the ER again, but glad you dodged a bullet and made it home safely.

Not sure I understand the hype of the coronavirus. Thousands of people die each year from the flu, yet we don't hear about it. Usually young children and elderly with underlying health problems. It's as if the government is intentionally causing a panic, but what do I know.

[Gwenivere]

CHF can be mimicked by so many things.  This is why reading the net sometimes backfires.  It could be my back stenosis compressing nerves.  I did just have pneumonia and use more oxygen.  My biggest problem is walking, or inability to.  

I’m concerned about the panic of the corona virus too.  6 people have died in Washington, but all were compromised with other health issues.  I would be in that group with my lung condition.  When I left the ER last night it was overflowing with people in the masks that do nothing.  It was on the news they were useless unless you had a special kind.  I guess they’d help for sneezing, I dunno.  The CDC says use common sense, but they are setting up 'campuses' around the city for quarantine.  An Amazon worker has it.  They are trying to track down people he interacted with.  Maybe I’m being stupid, but I just can’t jump on that panic wagon.  I just do my best keeping my hands clean.  

[MartyT]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Maybe I’m being stupid, but I just can’t jump on that panic wagon.  I just do my best keeping my hands clean.  

I think that is the smartest thing you can do, Gwen. It's all about personal hygiene, good self-care and common sense. ♥️

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[Gwenivere]

I had a panic attack today while getting to my grief counselor.  I’m thinking it as triggered by yesterday at the ER, more pain today from manipulations for the scan and I was on the phone with my insurance nurse who really wants to help, but she isn’t trained in the psychological side of trying to manage 4 conditions while feeling that life doesn’t offer much incentive anymore.  I pointed that out after making sure our conversation was privileged to tell her I often do not wish to keep going.  No plans, just that I want to sleep and never wake up to these messes.  She is going to have someone who is trained in that call me.  That make 2 counselors and now another contact.  Makes me see how drastically life has changed.  Even my panic meds couldn’t stop the attack.  It’s just too much to take on since the hospital stay.  Life is nothing BUT medical crap.  That is not living.  My options for the pain are not good or have me even wanting to try as it would buy me (maybe) less pain, a hitch that would suck to find out didnt with a year’s possible recovery time.  To do what?  My grief counselor once said I was resistant and she is right.  Told her that today.  Change and taking risks requires a goal, motivation like more time in your content or happy life.  Don’t have those.  Now I have to see my doc Friday to address the swelling and pain and he is about useless.  Certainly can’t empathize with forced loss and depression.  But my shrink can’t either so where does one turn?  Inside yourself which is so cold and empty.  Go thru the motions.  Stock the house to eat, hope you will sleep, just make it another day.

[kayc]

The things we do for coronavirus are the same things we do when the flu is going around, none of us want either.  But as "elderly" (when did I get here?) we are in the sensitive group.  I've heard it hits men harder than women due to our estrogen levels.  The virus can remain viable for 28 days on a surface, that's longer than most so packages in the mail, items on the grocery shelf, everything is subject to contamination.  Washing hands is our best defense.  

Gwen, I'm sorry you had another panic attack, I used to get those, it's been a long time but I remember them.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I got someone on the phone and made them stay with me while I waited it out, very scary.  I had one in my sleep one time that felt very very real.

My incentive to keep going was always Arlie, now Kodie.  That means I have to live until age 83 or so, after that, IDK.  I just hope and pray I don't lose him, I don't think I could take it.  I'm already worried about losing more sisters.

 

[KarenK]

Here's one for you. All the patients in Seattle who died from it were elderly and health compromised. Local news reported a case here in our hospital(the one I berate), a young man in his twenties. Their solution was to send him home to be quarantined. Not ideal for the patient if he's that ill. Then send an email to all hospital employees advising them about the patient. Not much of a "preparedness plan" that officials keep bragging about. It just seems there ought to be a better way for patients. Maybe not.

[Gwenivere]

I heard on the news to stop going to ER's with normal flu symptoms.  They are being flooded because of the CDC creating a panic.  In Washington they have developed a test to check for it.  The still common sense advice is staying home if you are sick, avoiding crowds if you are immune compromised and lots of hand washing.  Can’t even get Purell or the non effective masks anywhere.  I went grocery shopping yesterday and they were out of the wipes for cart handles.  I’m getting so tired of newscasts that are now downplaying regular news to focus on this.  I just skim thru the news for the weather.  They say to avoid large crowds, haven’t figured how you do that when you need groceries.   

I see my doc tomorrow and my walking is getting so compromised I broke down and made an appointment with the neurosurgeon for Monday.  Will be seeing his CNA and have questions about more limited surgery than open back.  I still don’t want to do it, but am curious if they would require another MRI.  I told them about the panic disorder and the last one was just a year ago.  I don’t really know why I am doing this except my PCP and the ER doc mentioned it.  For how averse I have become to seeing docs, this is almost crazy behavior.  But pain does a number on our thinking processes.  I just wish I wasn’t having to drag oxygen with me everywhere.  My biggest plan today is to take a shower after some quick errands of getting gas and maybe the dollar store for stock up on stuff I can get there so much cheaper than retail stores.  Name brand toothpaste and such.  Kids need canned chicken.  Then it will be home to the depression and pain for another night.  I keep thinking it s Friday and I can get my weekend quick foods.  I almost didn’t wake up today as my alarm was so low.  I hadn’t moved in hours which affects trying to walk.  Got a message from my doc not to wear compression socks after I was dressed.  Seems simple to change, but it’s not.  Every once simple thing takes so much energy and twisting.  I can’t get out from thinking about Steve thru all this.  Just to have companionship for all this crap.  Help on cleaning up messes from the pets.  Someone to be with me as my balance is suffering from the pain.  No one in real life gets it because they have someone.  New day, same sadness plus an added day.

[KarenK]

I'm glad you've decided to explore the possibility of some type of surgery even though you really don't want to. I know you're scared. I would be too, but it may be what will finally get rid of the horrible pain. Whatever you decide, we are with you if only in spirit which doesn't help a whole lot, I know. I don't know if you're pulling a tank behind you(I hope not) or carrying a portable one but either way it's a drag.