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11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You can jump out of bed, Dee?  I’m still crawling.  🤪

Gwen and all of us rusty widows:  I did say: "If I would have to jump out of bed".  I really doubt if I could jump if my life depended on it.  I think it is all relative to what our bodies can manage at this time.  Hurrying is also relative.  I doubt if my knees will let me crawl either.  My son is always saying Mom, I don't want you to fall.  I reply, "I don't move fast enough to fall". LOL.  Enjoyed everyone's input.  Dee

 

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The 'highlight' of my day is seeing if I can stand and walk at all every morning.  I do manage to stand, but walking is so painful.  I just called PT and left a message for my therapist saying we have to modify it to take that into account.  I can’t fix my back to do typical things others do to regain strength.  This adds to the frustration and trying to find motivation.  I had been talking about the mental damage being 'locked up' for 35 days does.  This morning I had a dream I was a kid in my populous neighborhood and one by one each of the kids disappeared til I was left alone.  No more hanging out and games.  It was devastating.  I know it was a reflection of what I feel now for what the being laid up did to me both mentally and physically.  I’m so sick of hearing about patience and being in the now.  I have no choice but the now.  I’m told not to jump into the future, but that is ridiculous.  I have to look forward and try and make plans.  I wish I had a hermit personality, but I don’t.  I’m used to being active and this is such a huge challenge I’m not sure I’ll win.  That is my big scare every single day.  Always goes back to a solution I can’t have......Steve.

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Gwen, there are some days I think I could be a hermit quite happily.  Then there are some days I do not know how I feel at all and keep paper towels by my chair so I can cry at commercials.  Billy was so laid back, so slow moving, I mentioned (it had to be just yesterday) that he would be the last of all of us to "go" because he just would not leave.  And then, he left so fast I sometimes think he is still here.

I'm sorry you have so many things that slow you down, I know you want freedom like with Steve and sharing feelings and life.  I know you want to live without constant pain and fear. My sister took care of our Alzheimer's ridden mom.  She is nine years younger than me.  She has no one but me.  I feel sorry for anyone who has no one but me.  She thinks she will not have the Alzheimer's because she has COPD and is chain smoking in attempt to not live long enough to have the Alzheimer's.  I know what she is doing, but cannot stop her.  She had the cataract surgery and before the outside door was closed had lit up a cigarette, protective glasses off, with last warning to keep wind and dust out of eye.  I told her to put her glasses on and she said she had to have it for her nerves, just like I have to have my Xanax.  I'm allowed two Xanax a day, I take one at night (unless I have to be somewhere that my hands need to be more steady.)  I am a hermit-type because of the necessity to find bathrooms on fast notice.  I would imagine you understand both of us.  

George, you don't mention it much, but I think you lost your dad recently also.  That with your heart scare and having to keep working, which you probably enjoy, I would imagine your losing your dad would make all things new.  I'm sorry about that.  I lost Mama less than a year after Billy left, but we had really lost her years before.  I think some of the feelings I need to let go  of, they would make life just hit me in the face.  Sometimes I dodge things and just say "I forget."  They accept that as an answer (my family).  

I'm sure if we all took better care of ourselves, if we went to the gym and did minor things, if we ate correctly all the time, maybe we might feel better (nah, that's a big lie, I would feel worse.)

I think the  thing is, we sincerely care for all of us anonymous friends.  I know I do.

cromagnon.jpg

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9 hours ago, KarenK said:

have you ever considered dropping by your local senior center to see what they offer. Our centers have social activites, luncheons, day trips, etc. in addition to various support and discussion groups. None of this may interest you, but it's also possible there may be other like minded people there. Certainly not a replacement for the one person you long to see, but maybe a temporary fix to stave off the loneliness. Only a suggestion because I care.

Luv Ya,  girl!

Thanks, Karen.  This has been suggested before and not something I have interest in.  I want to go back to my volunteering and making as much peace with the long nights as I can.  I know people mean well, but I’ve gotten so many suggestions, all things I know exist, but they have to fit you.  It’s hard to do when you are in deep depression.  It takes over so much energy and wish to try new things.  I’m also in an energy funk from the hospital.  I know there is a lot of stuff out there.  I’m tired of being in pain and now having to drag oxygen with me everywhere.  I make a terrible disabled person.  Cleaning the kitchen sink and counters started out hopeful but soon I was wincing in pain.  They want me to keep moving but it’s so distressing to find once simple tasks so taxing.  Feeds the depression.  I’m turning into someone who gripes all the time.  I even get tired of being around me.  

Like minded people would be a group of very unhappy individuals.  🙁

luv to you too.  You’ve always amazed me how you survive your 2 huge losses.  Both the things of nightmares.  

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You have a goal, to get back to your volunteering, and that is a good one to strive for.  Living in the present, for me, means not to try to worry about the future so much.  Yes I have to have a budget, make plans, etc, we all do, we can't all live willy nilly and throw caution to the wind, but knowing my anxiety neither is it good to worry about the whole "rest of my life" which may or may not even materialize.  To do so detracts from whatever good there might be in today...and that is a relative term, I realize nothing is as it was when George was alive but I've also learned that comparisons are joy killers for me.  I don't have what I had yesteryear.  I'm well aware of that!    I still struggle not to worry about the future, I'm well aware of what it is to be alone and what "could happen."  I just try to stop the thought when it goes there.  Focusing on keeping going and striving for your goal will aid you in getting there.  You have made leaps and bounds beyond what I could have anticipated or expected, I'm very proud of you!  Yes you still have a ways to go but I truly believe, knowing you, you will get there.  You are an amazing person, just wish we lived closer!  I don't tend to get beyond the nearest city or once a month my son's.  Not driving in the dark has it's limitations.

For me, keeping moving would be eating!

 

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Well, I guess we all have a purpose of some sort and yours is a most noble one.  You have your own place that you want to continue visiting, and I would imagine an oxygen tank is a thing that no one would ever notice in your help of people that need your help.  After 27-30 years of doing this, I would think your most familiar thing would be your volunteering.  And, that is something that is needed and I am sure, something that is looked forward to by many residents.  My daughter worked as a nurse with the older people (she had her last immuunotherapy IV this morning.)  Somehow or other,   she manages to be a part  of helping take care of those less fortunate than her.  I think they help a person (my  daughter, I'm speaking of) see people in worse condition than she is and she is there to help.  One woman called her in the middle of the night (my daughter was awake) to fix her TV changer.  These little things are huge mountains to some of us older people.  We have cable, a lot of TV channels, and I've learned how to  use Netflix.  Do not know how to use the Amazon Fire thingy, but do know how to use my Kindle, do not know how to use Hulu yet, but we always need someone to do the monstrous things that are mountains to us old folks and little bumps (no, not even bumps) by the younger person.  So, for your sake, and also for your residents in the nursing home you visit, I wish for you a speedy recovery.  I  know you do and I know you are missed.  After this length of time away, you have to remember what Robert Frost said.  I repeat it so often.  There is some reason I am still here.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

And, I remember my childhood, sometimes even more than my marriage:  “Friends are the pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes they lean on you, and sometimes it's just enough to know that they are standing by."  Anonymous

As a child we always had a porch, one with a swing on it.  Neighbors would come right on up.  Cannot do that anymore..  You have to be careful of the double barrel shotgun behind the door.  I miss my old country childhood.  When I drove by the house once, the swing was still there.  I remembered it being huge.  It was a tiny house with a tiny porch.  My mind and imagination were the largest part of that memory.  

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