My Sanity Needed Vents

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Not planning on having the surgery in early February.  I won’t do anything until I am vaccinated.  Will see what the February 4th assessment says about my condition.  I called my cousin and cried.  She emphasized I don’t have to do anything I am not ready for.   I have no plans of scheduling a date for this.

Gwen:  Oh, okay you at least have been given the ok after other big steps are taken first.  Will still keep you on the top of my list for "Happy Good Thoughts" for your February 4th assessment.   I agree with your cousin, you don't have to do anything until you are ready.  I have to give you a lot of credit for choosing to be vaccinated with the new vaccine.  I think I have decided I will wait a while longer before making an appointment for the vaccine.  With my boring lifestyle I have no problem staying away from people a little longer and will continue to wear a mask should I have to be out in public.  Take care.  Dee

 

[kayc]

Maybe go along with them until you're good and ready, just putting them off for now, stick to your guns!  That way you won't lose it as an option but have more time to adjust mentally and plan, next week is sprung way too soon.  They do not understand what it's like to do something like this without support, it'd be different if we had our husbands back.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks all.  I do not want to do this surgery.  I cannot see me mentally being able to handle it.  Even it I was theoretically better physically, it still leaves other conditions to tackle and possible new ones.  There isn’t a gut motivation to keep fighting.  My world has become medically centered and I don’t want to live in that world.  To say I have no choice leaves me feeling more a prisoner.

The following is my daily whine.....repetitive In many ways....just rambling to get it out.

***************

i can’t enjoy the things I did because they are gone, taking with them the most needed.  Human connection.  The little I have now is not fulfilling.  We are very different in our interests and activities. It’s just desperation that keeps me involved and that creates fallout.  

this is where my grief journey has taken me over the last 11+ years.  I feel pretty confident saying the time of a miracle happening like it easing is not going to happen.  Every time I talk to a doc I am reminded how much older I am and comparisons are useless. I truly believe there are limits of what a person can take and mine have reached that.

 I want to enjoy something.  I honestly don’t now.  Used to like feeding the birds, cooking even for myself and the kids.  I’m anxious about just having Melody and when she gets older and I face hard times again like with Ally.  Yes, I know, stay in the present.  But what if your present is hell?  You look for hope somewhere and when you can’t find it, what do you do?  That’s my conundrum.  Looking back hurts, here hurts and the future is filling with tasks to be alive, but requiring almost all medical stuff, not personal fulfillment.  It has altered my thinking.   I’m losing myself, the person I was as my core.  All the influences and where I fit are gone.  

This started with Steve.  I’ve fought like hell to find a life for the first time on my own.  I haven’t succeeded and don’t count getting up and dragging thru another day as a success.  I had a couple of years I felt I was adapting.  Then everything went to hell.  I’ve never been able to get back on track.  The pandemic was the clincher.  Removing the very things that kept a structure and my close relationships that filled me.   Now the back thing that circles back to ultimate burnout.  

Live been writing this since I got up over 2 hours ago.  I’ve been outside to throw out some bread, threw Mel’s ball a little.  Opened to car to take her with me to the church for a meal so she could meet my desperation people.  Now I don’t know if it’s worth the pain getting her in the car.  Have a Zoom meeting with a once a week buddy that is just a time killer as she will sign off predictably to get back to her life with her wife, dogs, prep for work and various other things people do.  I’ll stare at the blank screen when it ends cold.   

Better go.  Sorry for the novel.

[nashreed]

All I can do is listen (read). I wish I could help. I know how helpless I felt when Annette was in so much pain. I'm so sorry.

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I do not want to do this surgery.  I cannot see me mentally being able to handle it.  Even it I was theoretically better physically, it still leaves other conditions to tackle and possible new ones.  There isn’t a gut motivation to keep fighting.  My world has become medically centered and I don’t want to live in that world.  To say I have no choice leaves me feeling more a prisoner.

Gwen:  Clearly the surgery is a frightful decision for you and once all the pre-opt issues are settled it is still your decision if you should go forward with it.  I wish there would be an easier path for you.  Each morning after deciding I must get on with another boring, uneventful day alone, I struggle getting out of my bed with my ancient achy bones I can't imagine being in such constant pain as you.  I understand the lack of gut motivation to keep fighting your battle with medical offices and procedures, and not wanting to live in such a world.  Life without our dear spouse makes us prisoners for sure.  Please know you are in my thoughts as you fight this battle.  Hugs, Dee

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I had a couple of years I felt I was adapting.

I know you did, for you found purpose in your volunteering, when that was gone, it had to feel like you were slipping and sliding on thin ice.  That's how this last year has been for me.  Everything I'd built came crumbling down, my abilities, what I did, friends, routine, everything just disintegrated and left me on my own.  It's hard to know what to hope for excepting in the next world for anything has to be an upgrade to this one!  Except when I had my life with George, it was pretty good...maybe not perfect, but very good!  I miss him, we counted on each other, we were a couple, a team.

I have no advice, this is a  decision only you can make and I know it doesn't come lightly.  I just want you to know that we love and support you in whatever you decide, for it will be what is best for you...not what medical experts think but what YOU feel!

Yesterday I turned in my keys, I can't begin to explain all the feelings I have.  Slept four hours last night and my BS was the highest it's been in the last year.  Some things are not easy even if coveted.  I hope in time I sense the freedom of pressure, right now I'm feeling unappreciated and that hurts.  I know people can't appreciate fully what they don't know, but still, I gave 6 1/2 years of my life to doing my best for them, LOTS of pressure this time of year when the snows hit, and nary a thank you.  Oh well, such is volunteerism.  I wish the next one well.  I will be sure and give her support as I know what it entails...

Yesterday morning they said 1/2" snow and we got five.  And no end in sight.  Stuck here for the duration.

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Yesterday I turned in my keys, I can't begin to explain all the feelings I have.  Slept four hours last night and my BS was the highest it's been in the last year.  Some things are not easy even if coveted.  I hope in time I sense the freedom of pressure, right now I'm feeling unappreciated and that hurts.

kayc:  Sorry you are feeling unappreciated.  Of course that is a hurtful feeling.  You, Gwen and other volunteers have to know you are all angels.  I think Marg has voiced that statement many times.  I hope within time that feeling, like other feelings will fade away.  Your health is your major concern right now and I hope your BS issues will correct really soon.  Take care and Hugs, Dee.

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

That's how this last year has been for me.  Everything I'd built came crumbling down, my abilities, what I did, friends, routine, everything just disintegrated and left me on my own.

We are twins here.  It’s so hard for me to understand how everything I had just vanished in such a short time.  All I have now is a routine I created to make up for it and it’s very dismal.  It’s almost adds to it as I have to make it happen when before it was my daily life.  As I have written before, in 65 years I’ve never been totally alone and cut off.  My only consistent communications with doctors and insurance.   Not my idea of a social life.  I just called several places to put out fires and have no idea anymore of doing things that fulfill me as a person.  

 

10 hours ago, kayc said:

still, I gave 6 1/2 years of my life to doing my best for them, LOTS of pressure this time of year when the snows hit, and nary a thank you

Same here.  25 years and I get mail from the nursing home, but it’s generic.  The few other volunteers I know don’t feel appreciated either.  I don’t really know what I want them to do.  Don’t expect praise.  I’m sad for myself because I miss being there.  A few hours a week that made me feel connected to life.  That only happens with others, not isolated or with companies for medical care. I called the back guy to find out if my CT showed my hip.....nope.  Would have to get one for a full view.  Messaged my PCP about thyroid med problems increasing them and don’t expect any reply but to stick with it despite the side effects I read to report as they signal problems.  I realize medicine doesn’t normally have a magic bullet, but they make me feel bad because I am more sensitive than most people and really don’t get having to do this alone.  On top of that, in efforts to help but they don’t see how it intensifies things, they order more testing leading to feeling more alone.  It’s a horrible cycle.  All my docs are younger than me so it’s apparent why they don’t get it.  I still get reactions of disbelief I don’t have a friend that can come with me, like I’d lie about that? To what end?  As for the grief side, throw that out the window as all they have are platitudes.  They can’t fathom it being a big decision to eat or not, live with chores undone and the esteem issues of no one caring, no close connections. I understand where they are as I once was, but I’m also wanting things they cannot give.  Just alway thought there would be someone in my life.   

[Kieron]

On 1/24/2021 at 5:31 PM, Gwenivere said:

 I had a couple of years I felt I was adapting.

This came to my mind last night about 3 or 4am, when I got up to feed the cat who was insisting it was time to eat.  After putting the food in the dish, I went back to bed half-asleep, but nonetheless I noticed the empty other side of it.  It will be 4 years in about 60 days' time, and I thought, "I have adapted.  I'm used to being alone."   Just a resignation to this realization, this time, but already the days are lengthening and soon the light will be at the same angle as the day he died.

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m sensitive to things like times of day and that now empty side of the bed too, Kieron.  Even worse now not having Ally between us.  How we’d have to stretch over her for a goodnight kiss.  We used to snuggle to sleep some nights til she decided she wanted in on that.  When we have sun, sunsets remind me of Steve.  Think it was the symbol that our private nights began.  No outside world bothering us for hours.  I got very annoyed last night that someplace we have investment in called about 8pm.  It was too late for that.  I wasn’t very nice and said to never call again.  That’s our financial advisors job.  What we pay him for.  Anyway, initial waking up and nights are the hardest time.  I don’t like, and ever will, that the bed is so easy to make in the morning.  Nor closing the blinds at night which is now just functional to block the cold from the windows.  It’s always cold in here now.  😢

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Don’t expect praise.

I didn't expect it either, didn't want it, but did NOT expect to be singled out to not have it, you know?  Clapping for someone who quit and someone else who hadn't even started and wasn't at the meeting but nothing??? for me, I wouldn't have even noticed had they not thanked everyone else.  I worked alone when others were gone so maybe they just thought everything magically happened.

I hear you on the lack of life.  This place and my FB diabetic group and Kodie keep me sane, they're all contacts.

The lady that brought her dog up the other day messaged me and said her husband doesn't want her coming back because of Covid.  We sat outside, apart, with our masks on!  So their dog isn't supposed to socialize or get exercise for another year of this?  It's too bad, they got along great.  I told her she can bring her dog any time, call me first and I'll put Kodie outside and have a chair for her to sit in, I'll stay inside to appease her husband.  So glad I'm not married to a controller, George was not, he would respect my judgment.

18 hours ago, Kieron said:

have adapted.  I'm used to being alone.

I have too, I can't say I relish it but now I wonder if there's anyone I could ever even live with because it's been 15 1/2 years and I'm not used to having anyone any more.

 

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sensitive to things like times of day and that now empty side of the bed too, Kieron.

That's why I went to a recliner instead of the bed...it was an empty reminder of his absence.  Besides I sleep better with my allergies this way.  Oh to get rid of those!  I do think they're improving along with everything else but not sure they'll ever be gone.

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I got very annoyed last night that someplace we have investment in called about 8pm.  It was too late for that.  I wasn’t very nice and said to never call again.

Medicare called me at 6:45 am, didn't identify themselves, I blocked them.  WAY inconsiderate of them!  Why would they call me anyway?  I use Healthnet Advantage.  Can't think of a reason in the world they'd call and not leave a message.  Maybe someone spoofing them?  Who knows.  I'm always up by then but that's not the point, what if I was someone that got up at 9?

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Medicare called me at 6:45 am, didn't identify themselves, I blocked them.  WAY inconsiderate of them!  Why would they call me anyway?  I use Healthnet Advantage.  Can't think of a reason in the world they'd call and not leave a message.  Maybe someone spoofing them?  Who knows.  I'm always up by then but that's not the point, what if I was someone that got up at 9?

kayc:  Yep it was probably a "robo" call.  I believe Medicare would not call unless in response to your call.  I have shut off my landline in preparation for my move to my son's property and have really enjoyed not getting those early calls.  Many mornings I am one of those still sleeping at 9 am since my brain doesn't shut off just because I am in bed ready to sleep the night before.   Dee

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Maybe someone spoofing them?  Who knows. 

Yes.  i got call about it that was "scammy" sounding and offering me Medicare but I am too young for it, so, knowing what I know, I called 1800-MEDICARE and reported it a minute later.  The rep was very diligent about taking all the info I noted, and said they would be following up.  Unfortunately a lot of elders aren't tech-savvy or or don't think to record the details I noticed, so the rep said it was enormously helpful.  Basically I jotted down the number, the way the caller sounded, the voices in the background (hinting at a calling group of scammers?) etc.  Hopefully I helped them nab some crooks!

[widow'15]

10 minutes ago, Kieron said:

Yes.  i got call about it that was "scammy" sounding and offering me Medicare but I am too young for it, so, knowing what I know, I called 1800-MEDICARE and reported it a minute later. 

Kieron:  Good job reporting this annoyance.  You are so correct in saying elderly aren't tech savvy and don't always get it that this is a scam.  They only hear "if you don't respond you will be .....................  fill in the blanks.  👏 Dee

[Gwenivere]

I hoped for a day without any medical/insurance interactions.  Started right off the bat with messages and snail mail.  Didn’t even bother keeping track of how many places I called.  Cried again thru my counseling.  I hurt so much but wanted to see if I could handle shopping which I did.  Of course everything I needed was heavy stuff.  Had to take lots of breaks after getting home which dismayed Mel waiting for dinner.  I’d complain about the cold, but seeing what the midwest and east coast are going thru I don’t dare, those there really getting slammed.  News is always depressing no matter what now.  

The rest of the week just looks like carbon copies of everyday.  I hate the predictability physically and mentally.  Just hoping no more mail or message surprises.  Watching more money bleed away as things I was told are covered more aren’t.  So wanting to talk to all the people I love that are all gone now.  Steve, his sister, my parents, a dear cousin and my few friends.  

Sick of covid and seeing all the people happy so that they can eventually get back together with their families.  Emphasizes the loneliness.  All I can hope for is down the line I won’t be treated as a leper in public.  Having a hard time tonight wishing when I talk there was a response.  

[kayc]

They said a high of 37 and we had a high of 28 yesterday.  Right now it's 26 but with 7" snow everywhere, it feels colder.  Going through the firewood!

I didn't answer the phone to them, but did dial back to see what the 800 number was and it was Medicare.  Said 11 min. hold, I wasn't going to wait.  And what could I tell them but their own phone number?!  You can't catch the spoofers, that's the catch-22 we're in.  It'd take the phone company monitoring calls in/out and I've only seen them do that once, 20+ years ago.

Been shoveling snow, my hand hurts at the end of the day from it.

I could relate to you all, I'm very independent.  A friend of mine has six daughters and each tries to run her life, tell her what to do, she's in her 80s, I couldn't handle the micromanaging.  After all, she RAISED them!  And she's clear headed.  I think kids should be available if we need them but not run our lives, a little respect goes a long ways.  The older I get, the more I understand my mom.  Wish she was here so I could tell her!

I feel angry at the decisions our governor is making, old people come last it seems (for immunizations) young educators coming before us because she wants to get the schools open.  I realize how it's affecting our young people, I get that, but meanwhile old people are DYING of this whereas the young people might be messed up not being in school, but they will live through it!  I know, broad generalizations but that's what I'm talking about, she keeps pushing us back further and further, I no longer believe anything they promise.  Not that I can get it anyway, but I have older sisters that would not live through this.  I'm so thankful my younger sister did.  And very thankful she had her husband to take care of her.  I think I'd be dead before anyone noticed and that scares me for Kodie.

All we can do is be careful but even that isn't a guarantee.

 

 

[scba]

On 1/25/2021 at 9:34 PM, Kieron said:

This came to my mind last night about 3 or 4am, when I got up to feed the cat who was insisting it was time to eat.  After putting the food in the dish, I went back to bed half-asleep, but nonetheless I noticed the empty other side of it.  It will be 4 years in about 60 days' time, and I thought, "I have adapted.  I'm used to being alone."   Just a resignation to this realization, this time, but already the days are lengthening and soon the light will be at the same angle as the day he died.

 

Yeah. I have adapted too. I have adapted to be a widow, live alone, live in a pandemic world. But what about the clichés surrounding people living alone. "Your evenings must be so quiet and peaceful". They are not! Everyday I make the choice to cook my meal, to eat it, to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen mess. To leave everything tidy to get up the next day and do home office. And this goes on everyday. A complete "be present" routine.

I go to bed and for a second I hear my own voice: "oh God, I can't believe this is my life now, I'm a widow, I'm alone. I have loved and have been loved and this is the result. He's gone to never come back. How am I going to make it?"

Then the silence....

And I can't fall asleep......

I have adapted to this too and coexist with whatever pops up.

 

 

 

 

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

The older I get, the more I understand my mom.  Wish she was here so I could tell her!

kayc:  At least once a day this feeling runs through my mind.  I hope my Mom hears me say how sorry I was for those times I had to make decisions for her care as her dementia symptoms increased.  I still talk to her when I'm not talking to Bob.  Oh, how I can now understand what her fears must have been.  Right now I am the age she was when she passed away.  I find myself doing some of the same physical movements, i.e., the way she walked, worked in the kitchen, etc.  Strange how life repeats itself.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

I feel angry at the decisions our governor is making, old people come last it seems (for immunizations) young educators coming before us because she wants to get the schools open.

I was watching the news last night and they said that schools are actually doing well handling the virus.  Better than most settings.  It’s an issue coming up in Washington too.  Our governor is leaning towards it and the emphasis here IS the more vulnerable.  I just looked at the vaccine sites and no one is taking appointments for lack of vaccine.  I have my appointments for March/April and by then they should be readily available.

I don’t understand why you say you couldn’t get it.  Complications with med conditions or vaccines?   

10 hours ago, scba said:

But what about the clichés surrounding people living alone. "Your evenings must be so quiet and peaceful".

People have actually said that to you???  Oh my gawd!  Just shows the utter ignorance of understanding grief or they have lousy partners.  I’m so sorry, Ana.  I’m afraid I would harm someone if they said or implied that to me.  It’s bad enough getting.....you haven’t adapted fully yet and aren’t over it?  Just got asked the other day why I keep his van.  Best just to say it’s nice having a paid for back up vehicle than because it is his and it’s loss would kill me as it has so many memories of him and his gigs.  

 

6 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I find myself doing some of the same physical movements, i.e., the way she walked, worked in the kitchen, etc.  Strange how life repeats itself

I’ve been repeating my mom in lots of ways since I left home, but yes, more as I got older.  Steve would often comment to me calling me Dot.  I even surpassed her on her depression era stockpiles of backups.  I clean like she did.  Used to hang laundry out like she did.  Time tables of when linens were changed were her guidelines.  Bargain hunting was a biggie.  Steve would often guess how cheaply our meals cost because of my rarely buying anything unless it was on sale.  She also instilled common courtesy and respect I see lacking these days.  I’ve been in intense situations with practically rabid people and remain calm.  Rarely raising my voice.  I tried getting Steve to adopt that more, but guys seem to get heated more easily.  But he did learn to tone things down when he experienced that it really took power back instead of making it a battle.  Anyway, I miss them both.  Sure could use them these days.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, scba said:

But what about the clichés surrounding people living alone. "Your evenings must be so quiet and peaceful". They are not!

Oh I get this ALL the time!  From married people.  All think they have it so rough because they have to put up with their husbands.  I'd give anything to have mine.  They are clueless how life can get.  And NEVER would I have referred to George that way!  Never!  We loved with all our hearts.  These same people should be put in solitary for a month to get just a taste of our lives.  No it'd take a few years to get it.  Then you have to make ALL decisions by yourself, earn ALL your own $, stay home since you can't drive at night, beg for a ride to/from surgery and when you do get home from it, not know if you can get up from the couch or toilet, go hungry if you don't have food you can eat, figure out how to get rid of the snow when you're snowed in, put up with a dining set the dog chewed up 11 years ago because you have no help getting rid of it.  No one to talk to.  Then I could welcome them to my life!

I know living with another person close quarters isn't always rosy, but neither is being alone...A L L    T H E   T I M E !

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t understand why you say you couldn’t get it.

They aren't vaccinating people with allergies/epipens.  That would be me.  I'd rather take my chances with allergies.  Covid sounds a horrid way to go.

Our governor is doing what best suits her.  With no consideration to what the rest of us think OR the commission says that is SUPPOSED to make these decisions!  Why not have a little monarchy?!

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People have actually said that to you???  Oh my gawd!  Just shows the utter ignorance of understanding grief or they have lousy partners.  I’m so sorry, Ana.  I’m afraid I would harm someone if they said or implied that to me.  

Yep!  I've gotten it a LOT!  So sick of it!  Ready to punch anyone else that says it to me!

 

[Gwenivere]

I’d be really upset too, Kay.  I hadn’t heard any restrictions about allergies except for stuff in the vaccine and that is why they make you stay for a bit. I think it is a personal decision to protect ourselves.  Not to be determined by the government.  But there is concern about fatalities and who would be responsible.  Seems signing a form of agreement would solve that.  

13 hours ago, kayc said:

These same people should be put in solitary for a month to get just a taste of our lives.  No it'd take a few years to get it. 

Oh, so right on and all the examples of what we have to face alone now.

 I’m in the ER right now because I felt like I had a heart attack this morning. I’ve never felt so much pain.  I’m in a bed that is killing my back, have had no food in 18 hours, waiting on X-ray, blood tests and a prior CT that showed an abdominal aortic abnormality.

As I was packing to come, the dishwasher repair guy showed as was able to determine the part needed they didn’t have.  So that’s halfway done and I could get here.  That and a shower were my plans for the day.  I thought I’d escaped medical issues for a day.  No messages or mail about them.  I thought those were bad.  A careful what you wish for scenario.  

As usual, lonely and scared being alone.  The staff here is superb, but I’m alone.  I just want to go home.  I’m so done with this crap.  If I’m going to die, I wish it would just happen and stop all this torture.  Can’t turn off the survival instinct.  So I wind up in these messes.  Gawd knows how this is gonna affect my back, like it needs more help feeling worse.  Poor Mel is at home not knowing what is going on as nothing was routine today.  

letting me go.  No signs of an attack in my blood or X-ray.  Relieved but frustrated.  Who did I piss off for all this fun?

[nashreed]

Good grief, Gwen. Please let us know how you are when you get home. I'm so sorry. At least you got a bed, as uncomfortable as it was. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m OK.  Doc said I did the right thing coming in.  I didn’t want to be walking around in fear.  If it happens again....I dunno.  Just wrote my doc so he’d be up to speed.  I have a lung condition and there is considerable damage in the upper left one, so by the heart area.  But it’s never done this, just made me prone to infections and now oxygen for exertion.  Just hoping it doesn’t happen again.

yes!  I got a bed right away.  This hospital isn’t being slammed as it was months ago.  People here have pretty much gotten the message not to come in unless it’s really urgent.  They were turning people away for awhile when they weren’t in obvious distress to not get overwhelmed.  Makes it better for people needing help for other emergencies besides covid as life does go on with heart attacks, strokes, broken bones, etc.

thanks for checking in me, James.  🦋

[KarenK]

Gwen, this is definitely not the way to escape boredom! So glad you were able to get it checked out promptly and all is well with your heart. Make sure someone keeps tabs on the abdominal aortic problem. My father used to always say he could feel his heartbeat in his stomach. He died from an abdominal aneurysm. You can never be too careful.

Sending hugs.....