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59 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Just hoping it doesn’t happen again.

Gwen:  Good Heavens that is for sure, we all hope it doesn't happen to you again.  I hope your back doesn't give you grief tonight after your hospital visit.  Just am glad you were able to get back home.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

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Gwen, I am so sorry!  And I thought I had it bad last night!  

Day before I fell on ice and injured myself everywhere, my poor hands sent back to square one and now my big toe killing me, no idea what's wrong with it, along with shoulder, lower back, upper thigh/lower buttock area, both feet.  

Well last night I cracked my head hard on the freezer door, which, unbeknownst to me had come open while I was rummaging through the refrigerator.  I stood up and whack!  Got a huge knot on my head, at least I didn't feel any of the warm moist stuff, just a lump.  Had to find a bag of corn in a ziploc I keep to ice injuries.

I'm glad to hear you didn't have a heart attack but you were wise to check it out.  George never wanted to die of a heart attack, he'd seen several do that, and wouldn't you know, that was his luck!  I still remember his bugged out eyes, he was in immense pain!  Me, I never want to die of cancer, that seems to me like excruciating torture, although as George proved, heart attacks don't always go swiftly.  

I hope right now you are home in bed, sleeping!  

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Yes, Kay, you keep getting battered and bruised.  I’m always wobbling around afraid that will happen.  My pain threshold is so low now from it being constant.  Little things that shouldn’t hurt as much are intensified.  I wonder if that is happening to you with all you’ve been through for a long time now.  Pain also affects our mods.  I know I’ve been more negative and depressed for months.  It’s hard when you wake up feeling like you’ve already spent the day in pain and you have hours and hours facing you.

Do you have a medic alert button?  Would it be helpful in your small town?

My orders for you are.......stop it!   I have spoken!  I do hope you get to feeling better soon.   🤕

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No as I can always get back up, but I do have neighbors that look out for me!  I bought the only super warm down coat I could get in my size and it was bright yellow vinyl, ugh, and I look like a cross between an abominable snowman and a beached whale, and a schoolbus when I fall!  I guess that's a good thing, you can see me a mile away on the road!

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Today I go see the back surgeon.  I’m so dreading this.  So many fears from how much suspected damage, pushing hard for the surgery (them, not me), probably will want an MRI.  When they see me walk I know the pressure will set in.  Not that I like the pain, but as I’ve written, the thought of messing with my spine and facing a rehab facility terrifies me.  Why couldn’t it be a hip or knee?  I’ve done so much research about this at reputable sites that I know the stats are all over the charts.  But the worst is doing something so extreme to wind up back in this life draining depression and loneliness isn’t motivating.  However, I can’t live with the fear I will be so disabled someday I can’t stay in my home.  It’s an early appointment for me, so skipping lunch as my digestion is all off and don’t want any emergencies.  Gawd, like life doesn’t suck enough already?  Next week I have a Zoom call with my doc about the ER fun I had a week ago.  I guess feeling like you were having a heart attack wasn’t that big a deal to him.  That meeting is within an hour of waking up when I am so messed up by waking up.  In the meantime I directed myself to take less thyroid meds as that was the only change that preceded it.  I made the mistake of watching the news so the latest covid stuff was a drag.  Time to hobble off.  I hate getting up in the morning, this will be a doozy.  

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Gwen, you're in my thoughts and I wish you well as you go, I understand your feelings of dread. 

Didn't hear back from doctor about Covid test (surprise, surprise) so called them, negative as expected.  I left msg for her of everything I didn't get to say in our 30 second "visit" at my car.  Will see if there is any response.  I'm more than annoyed at how everything went.  HOPING these "lozenges" help but no confidence in it as I think all my symptoms from the last month are related and it may be too far gone for that?  Not sure of anything.

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Today I go see the back surgeon.  I’m so dreading this.

Gwen:  Just sat down for a rest from packing and read your news about your back surgeon appointment.   Hoping the appointment went manageable for you.  Hugs, Dee

 

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Didn't hear back from doctor about Covid test (surprise, surprise) so called them, negative as expected.

kayc:  Good news on Covid test, but maybe they thought they were doing you a favor.  Lol.  Dee

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Appointment with surgeon went 'OK'.  More info to take in if I do this.  They agreed with my wanting vaccination before doing anything so that would push-it out to May.  They had gotten me special clearance for surgery right away but I can’t do that.   Found out I’d have to do rehab even if Steve were here.  I’ll never be able to stand up straight again.  I’m harming myself more the longer I do nothing.  It’s a lot to think about and weigh against the depression and grief.  Need time to do that.

i was out of the house so much earlier than I’m used to I took long drives looking for things to do.  Tried getting my hair cut one place but they were booked.  Gave the car a highway run and went to another place and did get my hair washed and cut.  Not the best idea for my back, but it felt good.  I saved about the same amount of money demanding a lower Direct TV bill for blocking a channel.  (Our local one that would have the Superbowl).  

Will probably pay for this overnight, but such is my life.  Called my cousin an found she was fighting lots of medical stuff too.  As are many here.  I told her it’s seems to have become our social life.  Some days I really feel so old.  Today was one.  In fact, they all are.  

 

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Dee, I don't think they care about doing me any favors, I'd settle for them just doing their JOB!  Never heard back from my doctor about my "message" I left with triage.  So far, Thrush symptoms are not lessening.  Their sending me for Covid test unnecessarily made me get home before dark without a minute to spare (I can NOT drive in the dark due to Fuch's dystrophy of the corneas), a lot of pressure.  It'd be nice if they warned me what to expect instead of these surprises.

Gwen, glad you survived the day and got some information to consider before making any final decisions.  I hope for the best for you, I really do.  You won't have your shots until May?  WA must be even slower than OR with their rollouts!  They keep pushing the elderly back and haven't considered outlying conditions.  Medical personnel, educators, nursing homes and inmates before age 80 with/without extra conditions.  My sister will be getting hers the 15th as she's 76.  I think 65 isn't until next month some time.  Not Biden's recommendations but then we haven't gotten what they promised either.  It is what it is.  Honestly, the only reason I try so hard to live is for Kodie!

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By May I will be covered by the vaccines.  Start in March, 2nd in April and then wait the 2 weeks for full effect.  Just following closely with the variants and hoping we beat them in need of more vaccines.  Har it is people between 20 and 49 that are the biggest spreaders as they are more active outside and many going back to work.  Most all service workers are in that age category. If they resist the vaccine it could have serious impact.  I’m so tired of dealing with covid.  I know I not alone there. Have a couple articles to read and may post them here if they help ease the anxiety.  Have to read them and see if they help.  Tough to do since I’ve been trying to limit more stress input.  Thing is, it’s ironic to have to read them to find out.

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Was this it, Gwen? Covid in grief

I think I got it here, likely from you, it was good and talked about loneliness in the pandemic with grief/widows.  I think the second one WYG was one I posted, I have all three of them.

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Who, that wasn’t it, but glad you posted that.  Just read it and it’s good validation about timelines, or rather, lack of.  I really get that only having online people to talk to greatly intensifies the loneliness.  I know all of you well here, but I can’t interact with you real time.  We can’t all sit down and converse.  So it causes a loneliness pandemic as the article cited.  

All these articles about loneliness are extremely relevant to me now that I have talked to the back surgeon and see what a gamble I am taking with no future plans to motivate me.  The author of the above article talked about starting a Facebook group for widows ready to move on.  I don’t know how to do Facebook, tho I could learn, but the moving on is where I stumble.  What I see after the surgery are at least 3 other medical conditions  to deal with.  If it meant I could go back to volunteering and truly offered a freedom beyond pain, I would feel differently.  

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After you join FB you see a + at the top of your page (it stands for create) and if you click on that a dropdown menu appears and you click on group.  You can invite anyone you want and it grows from there.

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What I see after the surgery are at least 3 other medical conditions  to deal with.  If it meant I could go back to volunteering and truly offered a freedom beyond pain, I would feel differently.

It seems your back is your biggest hindrance/hurdle.  I truly wish you could get through this to the other side.  Praying for strength for you.  And for what it's worth, you can call me any time.  I think I emailed you my phone number once.

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I found the established widows group.  Just have to be accepted.  Facebook keeps rejecting my passwords even after I reset them.  I really dislike Facebook.  Anyway, we’ll see what happens.  I’m not sure I should be spending more time dwelling on this, another avenue to stay so inwardly focused.  Tho I can’t connect with anything out there that feels good.  As for the surgery, that is profoundly impacted by this depression.  I can hardly rally myself to do what I have to day to day and try to make a decision like that.  This is laid up, needing people 24/7 for weeks into months with PT.  The worst is not knowing if it will be worth it and still being left in the isolation in my head.  The knowingly walking into putting myself into rehab, inability to change my mind (like with meds), facing the other ills that are waiting and that I’m just plain worn out right now.  The only thing that elicits any sense of calm is Melody.  That she loves me.  But in honesty, it’s not enough to make judgements for this huge decision.  If I weren’t a widow and didn’t have panic disorder, this would be a gamble I’d take for what would await me for the recovery.  That is Steve and a living love connection.  I’m turning out to be a lousy widow, not one of the thriving ones that have found some purpose.  As much as I love her, Mel cannot replace a husband.  A best friend you can talk with and share day to day things/experiences.  It’s a routine for her.  Now for me.  I’m babbling again and need to go pretend I’m semi OK  on a Zoom call and at the church.  Find out what the pain will allow later. 

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44 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I found the established widows group.  Just have to be accepted.  Facebook keeps rejecting my passwords even after I reset them.  I really dislike Facebook.  Anyway, we’ll see what happens.  I’m not sure I should be spending more time dwelling on this, another avenue to stay so inwardly focused.  Tho I can’t connect with anything out there that feels good.  As for the surgery, that is profoundly impacted by this depression.  I can hardly rally myself to do what I have to day to day and try to make a decision like that.  This is laid up, needing people 24/7 for weeks into months with PT.  The worst is not knowing if it will be worth it and still being left in the isolation in my head.  The knowingly walking into putting myself into rehab, inability to change my mind (like with meds), facing the other ills that are waiting and that I’m just plain worn out right now.  The only thing that elicits any sense of calm is Melody.  That she loves me.  But in honesty, it’s not enough to make judgements for this huge decision.  If I weren’t a widow and didn’t have panic disorder, this would be a gamble I’d take for what would await me for the recovery.  That is Steve and a living love connection.  I’m turning out to be a lousy widow, not one of the thriving ones that have found some purpose.  As much as I love her, Mel cannot replace a husband.  A best friend you can talk with and share day to day things/experiences.  It’s a routine for her.  Now for me.  I’m babbling again and need to go pretend I’m semi OK  on a Zoom call and at the church.  Find out what the pain will allow later. 

I can understand not wanting to take a chance because of possibly causing a panic attack. More often, I get rolling muscle twitches, and that's how my stress lets me know its there. Something is always twitching. Luckily it's usually not my eyes- I can't stand those.

I like Facebook. It's really helped me at least "feel" connected, and like I have friends. I collected a lot of my grade school friends and I at least can see that there's life out there. It helped that when I had to move back to my hometown, I had at least one friend who lives here and I was able to go visit him once before the COVID got too bad around here. Someday, we'll be able to do something together. 

Day to day, I go from feeling peckishly positive to definitely negative. Today, I think it would be nice to be able to do something fun with my friend- tomorrow I may just feel like I'm good seeing Annette and passing in my sleep. It's an emotional rollercoaster.

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I can hardly rally myself to do what I have to day to day and try to make a decision like that.

All you can do is make a list of what could happen if you do have the surgery (long term) and what it'll mean if you do not have it, put the pluses and minuses, only you can decide if it's worth it to go through the negatives to get to the positives.  CAN it be done (with help of course)?  Are you willing to give up short term disability for long term positives?  Is it a crap shoot you're willing to gamble for?  I would probably go for it myself if I could work it out.  But getting help, that is pretty iffy even if I could pay for it, which I cannot.

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

Are you willing to give up short term disability for long term positives?  Is it a crap shoot you're willing to gamble for? 

This is where being severely depressed makes questions like this almost impossible to answer.  I’m not thinking with a clear mind.  I have no one that can really offer sound advice that are deeply investing in my life.  Counselors ask the same thing when I need help on the actual decisions.  The only person I would trust is Steve, plus he’d be the motivation.  To come home to this same emptiness and volunteer interests that are shut down make looking at the huge commitment of recovery seem pointless. 

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What should have been an easy thing once again took over the afternoon.  My new pulmonologist wanted a check in meeting.  Took over an hour on hold to get to scheduling and then finding I needed a referral on the new insurance.  Took them a while to figure their own OK on this guy or not.  Fortunately he’s covered.  By then I was hurting from sitting but did get to the grocery.  Pain has been worse since having my hair trimmed.  I know it’s from those sinks which stress the neck.  

The DW part was here so now I have to get the repair guy back out which is a day of waiting.  I’m so tired of problems like the rest of us.  I don’t know what a 'normal' day is anymore.  It’s been years now.  Ever since my hospitalization in summer of 2018.  Before then there was the grief, but I wasn’t so mired in depression.  

sorry I keep dumping all this mind chatter.  As Kay said in a post I read earlier today, you are stuck with me.   

On the plus side I found some new microwave rice that is garlic flavored to try.   I have been so good at stocking up Melody’s green beans, toilet paper and my wine that the back of my car Is a mini grocery store.  That will help on future trips and no heavy stuff needed for awhile. Hopefully no sales to tempt me!

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That's what I'll be doing today, long day.  Still battling Thrush, seems it's just way overloaded in my system.  Less than a week left on the Rx, I hope it does it.  No word from doctor.  Surprise.  Gargled with salt water off/on all day.  Fun.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

On the plus side I found some new microwave rice that is garlic flavored to try.

Kind of sad that something like this is our highlight, but there it is!  ;)

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Had a meeting with my doc about the ER chest pain adventure and my thyroid.  I knew it would be a downer as he said try more meds (which I hate), wanted to add statins even tho my cholesterol is fine, an aspirin a day and the biggie....a heart workup.  I’m so sick of it all.  That led to probs with getting an RX he called in for a refill as my insurance doesn’t cover it (again).  I’m so sick of Medicare and it’s influence over my supplemental plan.  My former one was so easy and covered more.  Didn’t need referrals to see my existing docs beyond my main one.  Now I have to have my doc appeal my B12 as it’s medically necessary an injection. Counseling was a bust.  I drove around just wanting to scream.  The only thing I accomplished was getting the syringes for the B12.  I’m tired of feeling sick waking every day from the med increase and chronic pain.  The back surgery came up again too which is a guaranteed downer.  It was just a wasted day emotionally.  The only thing I really felt is how 'addicted' I still am to Steve and our life together.  

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:(

 

 

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Gwen, I understand more than you know. I was with Annette when she was in chronic pain. It really takes a toll, and I'm sorry you're alone through this. I wish I could be there for you as a friend who knows what its like to feel hopeless. I know you understand how much I miss Annette, like you miss Steve. All I want to do is talk to Annette. I asked my Mom a question that Annette would know the answer to immediately, and she just rambled on and compared it to her experience (everything comes back to her and is about her), and didn't help at all. I just still care about Annette's views on things. She still fascinates me and is the only person whose opinion matters to me. It's something only you guys understand. I just want to be with her. Other people don't matter- I'm in love with a ghost, a memory. I believe her spirit is still alive and out there, but I can't "be" with it. I talk to her, but I don't feel like I'm doing it right. All that ever mattered to me was that she understood me- her opinion meant everything. I just want to crawl under my house and cry, because I miss everything about her and nothing feels right and life isn't worth living.

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8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m so sick of Medicare and it’s influence over my supplemental plan.

Gwen:  Yes, sadly Medicare is in charge of our healthcare.  If Medicare doesn't approve, supplemental won't pay.  This is what we looked forward to in our "golden years".  Sorry it is such a battle for you.  Dee

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