My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm in love with a ghost, a memory. I believe her spirit is still alive and out there, but I can't "be" with it. I talk to her, but I don't feel like I'm doing it right. All that ever mattered to me was that she understood me- her opinion meant everything. 

I don’t know about right and wrong as I know I can’t talk to Steve ever again.  Well, not and get an answer.  

How accurate your description is.....a ghost, a memory.  I don’t know if he still exists in any form, but for me being alive now, I doesn’t really matter.  I can’t interact with him here.  I’ve never believed in signs nor encountered any that are but things I could assign to that.  But that would be me doing it, there is no proof it is him.  So I do live with only memory that he exists in.  It’s hard on the heart because we can still experience everything about them in our minds.  Voice, looks, smell, touch.  There is no moving forward tho.  Nothing new about him since 2014.  My imagination fills in his response to what is happening in the now.  Politics, the furry kid, the change in our bodies as we would have aged, the shared loss of people and places we loved, covid.  It doesn’t ease I experience these things myself now.  Right at this very moment I could have something to say, but it doesn’t matter.  That is what is so hard to face day after day.  Problems are intensified when you are used to having someone to work thru solutions for and have ones I might not have thought of.  That I miss.  I value my ability to find solutions, but miss the times he would find better or easier ones or, even best, take them off my plate so neither of us was doing all the heavy lifting.  I never had to be here for repairs, for example. He never had to call about insurance issues.  All big tasks, but when shared, no one got overwhelmed.  I know this is draining me with fatigue, headaches, anxiety, pain and many other physical consequences.  It’s insult to injury after losing him.  That was hard enough.  I hadn’t encountered years of this now my total responsibility and it has aged me more than I feel I would be.  The last time I was on my own the responsibilities were nothing compared to this.  My early 20's were little more than dating, crush dramas, living paycheck to paycheck, hoping I could afford a new tire for my car, no doctors, grief.  Nothing like this.  

So off to more reality in the now complicated present.  Another day to cross off the calendar.  And all I add to it are more things to tackle. No fun stuff.  Those days are done. 

[Gwenivere]

Seems I vented today, but can’t find it.  Spent another afternoon on the phone finding out my doctor miscoded a visit.  What should have been been a $5 copay came in as $67.  Even the insurance rep was getting frustrated trying to contact my doc as she kept me on the line and volunteered to do it.  We kept getting routed wrong or dropped.  Now it’s a wait and see if they understood after we went thru.  My housekeeper was here and I usually talk to her for a bit longer than we did, but I wanted to get this done and stock up prepared meals as we are looking at record snow this weekend.  Did my back in at Safeway as their carts are being stolen and had to limp around with nothing to lean on.  Got Chinese at a place I’ve rarely gone to because of the price but decided I needed a treat.  Tried to get chocolate on sale at a drugstore, but none was dark.  I so dread being housebound by snow.  Missing going to the usual places for home cooked meals, but I doubt they will be serving and if they are, there is a very steep hill I’d never make it back up.  I’ve never gotten really stuck being careful where I go, but knowing I can’t call Steve makes a difference.  Plus no one here knows how to drive on snow.  I learned from him as he did in the Midwest all the time.  

I realized today if I weren’t so depressed I’d get streaming TV and my speakers working on my desktop computer so I could do zoom calls there instead on this iPad in the kitchen.  Have to remember to keep it charged to last.  Plus it’s an odd angle.  

As usual, life in general would be so much easier and calmer with him here.  I use the link from Marty’s article to light a candle for him.  This is one year I would have said yes!   Please get me some dark chocolate, knowing I’d be lucky getting half with his snacking all the time.  He was all I needed for this Hallmark holiday.  They didn’t have him at the store.  😓

[kayc]

I'm also dealing with medical incompetence...found out my doctor called in a Rx to Walgreens two days after I went in (when I left my message with triage regarding everything I didn't get to tell her in my so called "visit" in the dark car!  Never heard from the doctor OR Walgreens so had no idea!  If I'd been on it all this time I wouldn't have had to renew the other Rx, as it is, it's costing me an extra $42 because of it!  I had a friend pick it up last night, luckily caught her just before she left the valley, and I'll pay her back and get it today.  That's another thing, they wouldn't take my credit card over the phone.  How unaccommodating can they be!  I'm lucky she was able to put it on hers!  Now to deal with insurance...

Not wanting to hear anything about Valentine's day, it's too depressing.  Don't feel like going anywhere today, couldn't sleep last night, too upset about something that happened yesterday (someone yelling at me about politics for an hour).  But I have to go to the church to get my Rx from Cindy and she's in charge of a ladies "game day" so no way too bow out of that, but maybe I can leave early.  I'm just not in the mood for gaiety.  

Gwen, have you called Safeway about their cart issue?  They surely know they're disappearing but may not realize what a problem that creates for people such as yourself...my sister would be in the same boat.  Probably the homeless taking them to carry their belongings around in.  They need surveillance or something!

 

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

have you called Safeway about their cart issue? 

Yup, every time I go there.  They know about it and have talked to corporate.  What’s nuts to me is all the other grocers have perimeters that the carts lock at.  You can see them stacked up at the parking lot edges.  Hard to believe Safeway is so lax.  Even the little Dollar Store has locking carts!  Lots of angry customers that do large purchases.  

 

11 hours ago, kayc said:

they wouldn't take my credit card over the phone.  How unaccommodating can they be!  I'm lucky she was able to put it on hers!  Now to deal with insurance...

Had the same problem with Safeway too.  Had to do it in the website and hope I did it right.  I may go back to Walgreens this it will cost me a bit more.  I have Express Pay there and things automatically go back on my card.  I don’t even want to find out about reimbursement from my insurance.  They can’t even get my doctor claims solved easily.  Hence my many hours (that’s like my new job) with them for weeks.  Wish I could bill them for my time.  I feel like I’m working from home with my computer and headset for hours.

hope you get your RX speedily.  I’m in no mood for gaiety either.  Having just frozen outside making my car usable and get snow off steps and possible ice patches left behind, had to do some serious thawing out.  I’m trying to connect with 2 people about the roads.  I’ll get so antsy I’ll venture out for sanity’s sake.   Melody doesn’t want to go outside.  Too deep for her idea of fun.  Had to sweep snow from that door as it piled up on the slider and fell in the house when opening.  Did the only step there to cut down on ice.

i remember when snow days were fun.  But then, I had Steve and adventurous dogs.  I also wasn’t old.  

Geez!  Thought the snow stopped but it’s back!  I’m seeing my neighbor with her snow shovel.  To be in my 30’s again!  

[Gin]

More snow again today.  And high today of 11.  Now I have a plumbing problem in the bathroom.  Water running from under the sink cabinet.  Called plumber.  Not there.  Left message.  Nothing.  I am so tired of covid, snow and cold.  Makes it so hard when we are alone!  Al would have fixed the problem or called someone and dealt with them.    Gin

[Gwenivere]

I can only imagine how hard it would be to get services for how hard you’ve been hit. Seattle is basically shut down today with about 7-8 inches.  Too hilly.  I’m going crazy homebound and will probably do something stupid like go out to see how far I can get.  Just knowing I can go a few blocks helps me mentally.  Traffic is light so if I’m careful and get back I’ll feel better.  No mail and I thought it was in their creed nothing stopped that!   No one I normally see is going out today.  I’ll miss that as part of my weekend routine as I spend so many days alone.  Can’t even get them by phone as they all text.  Only heard from one in voice mail she is stuck at home on a side street.  Time to push Melody out if possible.  Wat her to be relieved but she is stubborn.

will you be able to get your vaccine, Gin?  I think you were scheduled for that this week.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

More snow again today.  And high today of 11.  Now I have a plumbing problem in the bathroom.  Water running from under the sink cabinet.  Called plumber.  Not there.  

Gin:  Sounds like nothing else can go wrong for you.  I am so sorry for your predicament.  My first thought was your pipes could be frozen and started leaking, but at 11 degrees nothing can defrost.  Yes, everything is so difficult being on our own without our spouse/partner.  😢  Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Had to do it in the website and hope I did it right.  

Walgreens doesn't have a way to do it on line.  They have a phone app but since cellphones don't work here (something we didn't think to inquire about 43 1/2 years ago when buying here!) that is out.  They said I have to come in person to add it on, never mind snow or 100 mile round trip there.  Crazy!  Snow supposed to be here today but not yet...I'm not complaining!  I'm sorry it's so hard Gwen, yeah for all of us, to be in our 30s!  But not sure I'd want to go back and learn life's lessons all over again. 

OMG, Gin!  Did you ever get the plumber?  Any neighbor that can help? Wish I could do more than pray but I'll do that.

If the pipes are frozen, they can be defrosted, but if water is coming out, that's not likely the case. unless they froze and burst, but how would they thaw out at 11?

 

[Gwenivere]

I was waiting on a DW repair today that was scheduled. I verified it and they called at 4pm saying it was canceled.  I was livid.  Not coming til March 5th now.  Wasted my afternoon.  Had to get out and wound up spending over $20 at the grocery.  I always buy stuff that could wait.  I was in a lot of pain from sitting and waiting most if the afternoon.  Then I had my online local grief Zoom meeting for 90 minutes.  That helped as I get to know the people.  Plus they get grief of course.  Tonight was a lot of talk about Valentine’s Day and music. Also how many of us already had 'the one' and not looking to find someone else.  A couple people tried and found it so odd in this computer age and apps.  Add in the pandemic.  I’m old fashioned.  Meeting people thru work, friends, school, whatever like way back when.  There is only the one for me.  There won’t be another.  

[kayc]

Gwen I'm also old fashioned, don't go for the dating sites, if others want to, great for them (that's how my son found his wife) but I also prefer the natural way.  When you've had "the one" that would be a tough act to follow, wouldn't it.  It'd take a special person to create their own spot in your heart.  I don't rule it out, just don't think it's likely, after all, look how long I've lived alone, and getting older by the minute!    I reckon it'll be me and Kodie the next 15 years or so...after he goes, I can too.

[Gwenivere]

I have chosen to rule it out.  Not that I could see any way it would happen, new or old age.  A couple in the meeting last night have done that also.  Even when they met people who were attractive.  It was the thought of al the work and time it would take being the ages we are to get that full trust foundation.  Maybe for those still young with long lives ahead of them, but some people will always be set in that perfect one.  Certainly a personal decision and what each of our unique hearts want and can do.  No one can fill Steve’s place and that’s what it would be even if we say of think it's different.  I only have room for one in that spot and he still owns it. 

[nashreed]

I agree, Gwen. I couldn't ever replace Annette or have another relationship. I have tons of other reasons why I'm going to be alone. I have so much mental baggage- I can't even look people in the eye. I have nothing to offer, no financial resources, no money saved. I know I'll never meet anyone, It makes me mad- I had a dream about being in college and meeting a girl. Why would my brain do that to me? I want to dream about Annette! 

I got a letter saying that they are closing her case file that was helping with her disabilities (her low vision supplies/looking for a job). Even though she was legally blind, with severe RA and in a wheelchair, she still wanted to work. She still wanted to contribute. It makes me so sad. It's so unfair.

[kayc]

IDK, I'm sorry that dream upset you, they seem to take a mind of their own sometimes, don't they?

No one ever takes someone else's place, but rather create their own place in your heart and that IS different, the same with Arlie and Kodie.  Very different dogs, I try not to compare but sometimes it slaps me in the face with their differences.  And yet Kodie carries his own special place in my heart.  But I never stop missing Arlie, never.  Never will.

[Gwenivere]

Every dog I’ve had has held a very significant place in my heart.  I’d do anything for them and protect them.  Anyone messes with them, they’d have me to deal with me.  Us when Steve was here and he did a few times.  Dog parents all feel that way.  Parents, not just owners. Big difference.  So, I very much understand that love that is unique and can embrace new kids as they come along.

My partner and spouse is a different thing.  Dreams are but that.  I’ve had dreams about men I find attractive.  I don’t see them as a betrayal or lack of love for Steve.  They’re just things my brain mashes up from inputs of so much.  They don’t make sense when I’m awake.  I’ve had dreams of Steve hurting me emotionally.  Some memory getting thru or my anger about his leaving me.  I used to pay a lot of attention to them, but thru therapy just see them for what they are and don’t give them any power over me.

so returning to having room in ones heart for others, this is where the divide comes for me on kids and Steve.  That is one place that cannot be expanded to ever allow another.  I know it in my soul.  I guess it’s like a mother with several children but there is only one man/woman you let that close.   I’ve been approached and it felt so wrong even tho I was starving for that connection.  I don’t look at people with that as even a distant possibility.  I know others have let someone in, my own mother remarried.  Just shows how different we each are.  I often wondered how she carried my biological father as she would never speak of him, ever.  She kept albums of pictures with him I found after she died.  I do know her marriage to my 'dad' was very guarded and she even lied about connections from her past saying her SIL was just a friend.  She deprived me of a wonderful woman for 30 years that answered all my questions after my mom died.  She got pictures of me growing up, but no contact.  Baffled my dad why she was secretive as he knew she had been married by my sister and I existing.  Anyway, Steve is the one.  There will never be another and I wouldn’t settle for anything less than that connection.  By very definition, the one means there can’t be another.  Do I wish it could be like all our dogs?  I don’t really know.  Sometimes the pain is so intense I guess I do.  Anything to lessen this pain.  😰

[Gwenivere]

I’m always amazed how another day can go so bad.  I had planned on my usual blah day, but it quickly got worse.  The details are boring and tedious.

I don’t know how to keep doing this every day.  No matter how hard I try to have a day just dealing with the intense pain and limitations, fires pop up that entrap me in added stress.  

I actually feel physically heavier getting up each day. I don’t want to face another day alone.  I know this isn’t news.  Even in my counseling yesterday I didn’t have anything new to say or explore.  I think I stared out the window a lot while my counselor watched me.  

So, I’ve killed another day to escape into sleep and start all over today.  It will come too soon.  I want to do something good for me.  No energy.  

Would ike to get streaming TV or Melody to be groomed.  Can’t do that when I’m constantly fighting fires.  I don’t get why it’s become my life.  Some is getting older, the most is being on Medicare which I was told would simplify my life.  I’ve never ran into so many walls about the simplest things.  Yesterday I found out insurance won’t pay for injectable B12.  I can’t absorb it from food or supplements orally.  Not even my doc can get it appealed as you can’t live without it.  Who wants injection when you can take a reasonably priced vitamin?  Just blown away (as it is not cheap for shots) that they would allow people to be endangered.  Not endangering, but an RX cream that helps me is over $700.  It jaw dropping.  

Time for some wine.  Maybe a lot.  🍷

 

 

[kayc]

Big-pharma are highway robbers, IMO.  No excuse for making Rxs so unaffordable when other countries have affordable ones.  We need free enterprise with all of them but don't have them.  I waited years for Advair Diskus to come out with a generic, when it was time, they extended it out for years more.  Finally they came out with Wixela and it cost just as much!  I don't get it.  I have Psoriasis on my left elbow, have for years, can be very painful.  The doctor prescribed something but when I talked to the pharmacy they said ins. quit paying for it and they quit carrying it...why?  Because it went up 5,000% the week before!  I called the manufacturer and reamed them out for it.  Don't know what they stand to benefit as only the rich can afford it.  Fortunately, Keto has my Psoriasis under control...but check the medical sites and they say opposite.  Sorry, I'll go by what works not what they lie to us about.

Okay, rant over.  All I can say is appeal, appeal, appeal!  Call them!  Call again!  I'm sorry, I know, not what you want on your to-do list.  But this can be life/death, so wrong of them!  We have Peter DeFazio in OR to make waves, can you contact your representative for help?  Peter DeFazio is dynamite in a small package!  

We have one pharmacy in town, the nearest "in network" is 50 miles away.  I wasn't happy with Walgreens or my doctor over how they handled the thrush Rxs.  I called my insurance to see if I could use the local pharmacy, nope!  They said it's out of network, even though a big chain and I'd have to pay for them myself, won't even count towards deductible and they pay zero.  I'm going to call them back today and see if I get the same answer.  I'd take employer's insurance over Medicare any day.

[Kacy]

B12 shots might be covered under Part B.  Maybe look into that.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

All I can say is appeal, appeal, appeal!  Call them!  Call again!  I'm sorry, I know, not what you want on your to-do list.  But this can be life/death, so wrong of them!  We have Peter DeFazio in OR to make waves, can you contact your representative for help?  Peter DeFazio is dynamite in a small package!  

It’s a grand idea, but I am so done fighting this issue.  The pharmacy found a discount card so I got the B12 it for half cost.  That was enough of a fire shift.  Not gonna take on the cream RX further. Only other option is the oral form and I don’t want more pills.  

There are probably advocates here, some thru the local news channels.  That would mean stoking this fire as well.  I’m just done until something new comes up.  Already today I’m dealing with side effects  of my usual meds.  Haven’t trekked out for the mail, but the pain is kicking in.  Have lots  of tax stuff to do and not a clue of what else that would feel meaningful in any way.  

I’m turning into such a down person that getting a homemade Valentine card from an old best friend in NM doesn’t mean anything to me.  Saying she loves me means nothing if we don’t communicate.  It’s what cost us the friendship because she never had time to write or call.  So many broken promises.  But that’s another story left buried.  I don’t need to help myself fund more reasons for this loneliness.

I was thinking about running into the women from the CC last night.  Made me wish I was 60 again as one is 50, the other 70.    Be a perfect spread but more importantly I wouldn’t be so physically messed up and could change a couple things like never have gotten-on these thyroid meds from my old ones.  These have made life so awful.  Tried going back but the doc didn't do it right.  Maybe I could have done more to slow this back mess.  I don’t know, but have such hindsight I wish I had.  Never would have switched thyroid meds.  

Daily headache is here from gathering tax info.  Whine, whine, whine.  Now that I’m getting to be an expert at.

 

[widow'15]

50 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Daily headache is here from gathering tax info.  Whine, whine, whine.  Now that I’m getting to be an expert at.

Gwen:  So sorry to read your and others with this Medicare issue, etc.  It would be so nice to think that after years of being employed, paying taxes, etc., that when we reach our elder years that we can't be sufficiently taken care of by a medical system.   I was happy to see that the pharmacy discount card at least meets you halfway.  It sounds like a card that my son discovered to help pay for his son's medications as my grandson's medications are pretty steep.  The mother's medical covers grandson's health care, but my son has to share medication costs.  

Now that the snow is gone I made myself get outside and try to gather up some yard waste for next week's pickup.  It was a damp, drippy hour working outside, but in spite of the mist, it did help make me feel I wasn't totally useless.  My body is screaming in old age discomfort, and am trying to get myself talked into getting in shower to wash my hair.  Tomorrow is a retinal specialist appointment.  I will be picked up and driven by the sweet lady I used to hire to walk Maddie.  After my eye injections, I can't see very clearly so I need someone to drive me.  I was glad she was still available.  Since the pandemic I have had my son or his fiance take me to appointments.  I did learn her 88 year old Dad had been in hospital with COVID and she and her family came down with it back in December.  They all survived and are doing well.

The week started off on a sad note.  One of my son's Labrador dogs had to be euthanized.  Sasha was at least 16 years old.  He is devastated of course and his other Lab, Nevada, is close behind age wise, and is missing her companion.   We'd been dreading this day would come. 

I'm waiting for one more form before I can make an appointment for my taxes.  Be glad when this week is over.  I wish I wouldn't wish my life away.  Still always, asking....Bob, why did you have to leave me here alone.

End of my whine, whine, whine....... Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

I haven't even began compiling my tax info yet, sounds more fun to play with Kodie.  I know the clock is ticking, will HAVE to buckle down and do it within the month sometime.  Ugh.

Gwen, glad you got 1/2 off, that's a help at least!  

Dee, I'm so sorry about your son's dog!  That is so hard.  No matter what their age, it's hard to lose one we love so much.  And knowing the other one isn't far behind, plus it's likely mourning too now. 

 

[Gwenivere]

22 hours ago, widow'15 said:

It was a damp, drippy hour working outside, but in spite of the mist, it did help make me feel I wasn't totally useless. 

That is what I am looking for.  I sure have the pain if I did what you did, but not the satisfaction.  I know it’s hard to deal with screaming pain, but it’s got to help to feel you did accomplish something.  Hope you got your shower in, always feels better after.  That’s the biggie, tho, the feeling useless.  Except for making phone calls and gritting my teeth thru shopping, I hate I can’t do little things like just vacuum the living room.  I always liked stepping back from yard if house projects knowing I did them. That I could accomplish something.  Hope your eye appointment went well. 

22 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Still always, asking....Bob, why did you have to leave me here alone.

It’s the daily question, isn’t it?  If I’m not asking him, I’m asking the universe.  Never get a reply.  When I think about it, it would really help to have a darned good explanation beyond biology.  If this was meant for something more than pain and despair, it would be nice to know.  I know some people have found very fulfilling things to do so that often makes me wonder about myself.  Biology and grief have me captive.  Depression.  There are many opportunities out there. I see them often,but I can’t do them.  They would be so helpful to them and me.  All I am getting is deeper depression.  That scares me.  Nothing good can come of that.

9 hours ago, kayc said:

No matter what their age, it's hard to lose one we love so much

I’m still crushed by Ally’s loss.  It was so significant with her helping me about Steve.  People (not pet parents) think just a dog, but she was so much more.  I know their lives are so much shorter, but we did have almost 15 years and that’s a long time to etch into my heart.  So much of her personality was shaped by us as well.  Melody has only known me as a fluctuating emotional widow and mostly down.  Ally was part of the joy of our life together.  

Today, as my ever good luck has been, was the meal program running out of salmon dinners so it was vegan stuff I wasn’t into, my Netflix DVD came as blue ray instead of a regular and no replacement going out til Monday, hip worse on a shower day and on hold about a new iPad.  Took myhigher dose thyroid meds and on edge so is going to make the day uncomfortable til bedtime.  Will message my doc ahhhhhhgain.  Going back down to my old dose as I can’t stand the anxiety and tremors.  I’m so tired of being tired and frustration.   So tired of pain.  I know many are dealing with this too.  It’s just not fair even tho I’m told that is the way of the world.

Sitting on hold trying to find out about a new iPad as mine is acting funky and that is pretty much where I live my life now.  It’s not where I thought I’d ever wind up.  

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I always liked stepping back from yard if house projects knowing I did them. That I could accomplish something.  Hope your eye appointment went well. 

I do get angry that I can't accomplish even 1/3 of what I used to do.  I move so slow being sure I don't trip over something.  Gone are the days when I could fill the big yard waste container in two days.  It doesn't seem that long ago, but maybe I have forgotten how much I have slowed down.  Now an hour outside shufflin around the yard doesn't reflect much of an accomplishment except in my head and achy bones. LOL

My appointment went well, although it took longer than usual.  The clinic has a new computer program so had to verify all the information pulled over from old system was correct.  I guess this is just one more ever changing process in this world.  I felt badly for some patients who were waiting in line safely socially spaced apart in the office while all had their information updated.  Like me, on the old age side of the fence, it took an uncomfortably long time.  I was glad I had remembered to bring my cane to lean on.  On a lighter note, I thought it was funny, excuse my silly sense of humor, they included a photo in our file.   Of course we did not remove masks.  The good news is my next treatment has been scheduled out eleven weeks, instead of ten weeks.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I still am impressed you can work in the yard, Dee.  Good news on your next appointment.   Such a drag going to the docs.  

All those other people waiting had to update too at some point.  You’ll be set next time.

They took a picture in a mask?   Now that is weird.  You’d think for a couple seconds the mask could go.  Wouldn’t most patients look alike?  😷

[kayc]

After I lost 74 lbs I wanted to get my picture taken at Costco as I no longer look the same but they told me it'd be with the mask on so what's the point?  Either way you can't tell it's me.

Dee, you did well going to an appt. and being let into the building!  I was shocked at my doctor's last treatment, I consider it unacceptable and far substandard care.  Am very close to considering a new doctor...if only I knew a good one to go to.

[Kieron]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

They took a picture in a mask?   Now that is weird.  You’d think for a couple seconds the mask could go.  Wouldn’t most patients look alike?  😷

Exactly.  Theater of the absurd.  I am seeing this more and more, on Twitter accounts, patient photos, user photos on other types of online accounts, etc.  It feels like "window dressing."  Bad enough we all have to do this masking around one another in real life, but masking for an online photo, where there's no harm of spreading You Know What?  As I said, absurd.