My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Here's my weather forecast at my latitude/longitude this week!  So happy to see it!  Now if it holds out through Sunday so I can attend my grandson's birthday party, I'll be relieved. 
https://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?lon=-122.42300605669153&lat=43.79866817619617

I spent hours yesterday filling out the registration for the new clinic, will be effective tomorrow when I drop it off!  I also have an appt. with the local insurance agent, and he's going to help me switch to United Healthcare, and I'll go from Farmers to his insurance, can always switch back if he retires.  The new health insurance won't start until April, I'm kind of in limbo.  It's been nine weeks of my mouth hurting and it's nowhere near over.  I'm getting worried.  Never heard of Thrush that long so maybe something else is going on as well?  Anyway, it scares me.  I hate whatifs.

Shoveled "sludge" (snow that feels like shoveling cement) yesterday and got my driveway cleared but my back & wrist hurt.  Oh to have my 40 year old body again!  Everyone else's driveways melted but mine because the bottom is kind of in a gully, the carport keeps it shaded.

Gwen, does Melody ever run in the yard?  Do you know any neighbors with dogs that they could bring over to play with her?  I posted on Oakridge Chat (FB) that anyone is welcome to bring their dog to play with Kodie in my fenced yard as we don't have a dog park in town and some don't have fences.  Made a friend and the dogs hit it off.  Unfortunately her husband said no more until Covid is over.  We wore masks and distanced.  Sigh.  The dogs are the losers in this.  Kodie does well even with bigger dogs, I wish he had one his size but he can outrun most and rolls with the punches!  He absolutely LOVES other dogs!  He knows no enemies.

 

 

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Your forecast looks like ours.  Supposed to be pretty mild this week with light showers.  A bit too breezy today.  Dreading the time change next weekend.  Just so unnecessary anymore.

I know 3 people with dogs.  Unfortunately, their dogs aren’t much interested in playing with Melody.  They either like her toys, want to explore the yard or play with each other. Mel’s shy so she would need a more one on one hookup with a dog that is calmly friendly at first. 

Unfortunately, I’m in too much pain to pursue that right now.  In fact, I don’t know how much more I can take.  Going to the ER scares me too.  Long waits, tests that could contort me more and both admission or being sent home each have their looming fears.  Really want to take a shower, but concerned about that.  Been trying to be careful for days but something has gone awry.  Anxiety and depression thru the roof.  No one to call for any personal help.  I know the docs would say ER.

just had a leftover fortune cookie.  It said.....make happiness happen.  Um yeah, right.  Will get right on that.  I made a wish list last night.  New glasses, iPad, TV, satellite TV with internet for streaming, have Steve’s van detailed on the outside from moss.  Lots of errands to see people.  I can barely sit and type this.

as always, want Steve.  At least I would have a safe person.  My medic alert can’t help me make lunch or in-the bathroom.

[kayc]

Now they're predicting snow on Saturday night and Sunday, but the temperature looks to be too warm to stick so we'll see as the day approaches.  If I can get out of here I may just go for it and worry about getting home when I'm arriving, can call for a ride if too bad but it's due to warm up in the afternoon.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Unfortunately, their dogs aren’t much interested in playing with Melody.  They either like her toys, want to explore the yard or play with each other.

Have them bring ONE dog at a time and make sure there are no toys/bones out in the yard.  I have to do that as Kodie is very interested in Jazzy's bones and I want them to run/play together, not chew on bones, he can do that here any time!
I know it's hard for you to get around so maybe the dog owner can help pick them up out of the yard when they come?  It's also a good way to have some contact with others.  I worry I'll wear out my welcome with Jazzy's owner but she's very candid so I trust her to let me know if a day is not a good day or what time is best.  The two dogs REALLY enjoy it and it's so good for their social development.  One problem I've found are many dogs are not developed socially or would attack Kodie, cannot have that.  I look forward to Covid lessening and getting him together with Shiner again!  Shiner's dad won't let them play together right now "because of Covid," it's too bad, they got along great.

Right now I'm in no man's land with doctors until I get registered and have a visit with the new one. I plan to drop off the paperwork today.  Wouldn't you know, CVS emailed me this morning saying it was time for refills but they had none, I could have my former PCP renew them but then the insurance wouldn't pay, so will wait until I get going with the new doctor.  I can't go into the new doctor until I get my card in a couple of weeks.

Gwen, I'm so sorry you're so limited right now, being alone makes that very hard. 

 

[Gwenivere]

I’d give anything to have a day that medical actions or conditions didn’t dominate.  Changing docs or insurance is bad enough.  Both is a royal pain.  I just hope you don’t run out of meds.  I’ve had my doc write new ones a month before after a couple refills do I have a stash if there are problems like you are having.  

Unfortunately, the 3 people I know with dogs would not want to come over.  2 because they work. One is a hermit and the other just too complicated to deal with in this.  The 3rd has the 5 dogs that get ample exercise and she’s not very reliable about showing up places socially except where we get meals.  

No medical mail for a change today, but a notice for jury duty.  So, will have to deal with my doc on that.  They aren’t going to take my word I can’t do it.  All roads seem to bring me back to dealing with it on some level, like the trek to the mailbox wasn’t enough?  Also Go Daddy needed to be updated but my password was not working so had to redo that.  Still have to call them about a charge coming up.  Just wanna scream as usual.  

yesterday was a hoot.  Went to the grocery only to have to 'rush' (hobble) back in afterwards for the bathroom.  Got my church meal and made it thru a shower.  Can hardly walk today as usual.  Lunch and then diving into the latest problems.  My insurance rep is supposed to call and I hope she forgets.  Got enough for today.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

No medical mail for a change today, but a notice for jury duty.  So, will have to deal with my doc on that.  They aren’t going to take my word I can’t do it.

Gwen:  You're correct, the jury duty system will not release you from service without a doctor's letter.  Last summer I was mailed a notice and immediately responded with my letter listing all the reasons I wasn't able to serve.  The court system responded to me to contact my doctor.  I started with my retinal specialist since I hadn't been to my primary care doctor since the pandemic lock down and I was seeing my RS every few weeks.  The retinal specialist said they did not write such letters.  So, I wrote a letter to my primary care doctor and she complied.  I was excused.  I haven't driven downtown near the county court house building since I retired in 2000.  I do remember how awful the parking was in the area. My son said, no way will I be going to try to find my way around in that neighborhood.  I am sure once they interviewed me, they would see I would be useless in a jury.  Memory and hearing issues to boot.  LOL.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Arg!  I spent over 2 hours on the phone again putting out fires and had one I needed to repeat and the darned place closed.  It figured I would find a discrepancy after a long wait and being told my rates would be adjusted.  The problem is what I was told I was paying was much less than I’ve been being billed and have been for years.  The new rate is so much better, but I couldn’t verify it nor find out why they were charging me more than they said.  So now I’m angry again.  If I have tondo this stuff, I want to get it put to bed.  Now it drags over until tomorrow.  I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t spend my afternoons on calls, but I’d sure like to find out.  Have a Zoom grief support group tonight.  Guess that will be my socializing for the day.  Pretty sad.  That’s over 2 hours away.  Will go out, but wish I could enjoy it meaning walking without so much trouble.  These afternoons sitting set me up for harder expeditions.  Plus, don’t really have anywhere to go.  Might try and catch one of the CC. gals for som real life contact.  

I’m like you, Dee.  Haven’t been downtown in decades.  Don’t want to either.  My doc said he’d write the letter and hopefully fax it in.  I’m surprised your eye doc didn’t do it.  Glad you got it done tho with your ther doc.  I hope to never go downtown again since they changed it to non car friendly.  I only got off on the hustle and bustle in my 20’s.  That was a very long time ago when adventures were fun.  My big adventures are now if I can get thru a small waking errand.  Feed Melody without groaning too much.  Get the garbage into the bin.  It’s a wild Ana crazy, ok, not wild, but crazy life.  Make that existence.

[kayc]

I worked like a dog yesterday, met with the insurance agent, turned in the registration at the new doctor's, stood in line at the pharmacy to sign up but website not working, play phone tag, get disconnected, etc, still nowhere with that.  Got home and the doctor sent me an email, they wanted all the info entered on line that I filled out by hand on Saturday!  So it entailed looking up when I had my last colonoscopy, last mammogram, last pap, etc etc, reentering my family's history, my history, etc.  It took me over two hours so I was late eating dinner, which doesn't help my BS.  Got my new thermometer in mail and it's a piece of crap from China, the instructions are lame and it doesn't turn on.  Had to go through all the hoops to try to return it, and would have to return to the store 1 1/4 hours away even though I bought it from WalMart online.    Will take it to the neighbor's to see if she can get it going, if she can't, it for sure doesn't work.  Not driving to town to return it, that'll have to wait.

I Was trying to break a ledge of bark off a piece of wood by throwing it onto the asphalt and it bounced up and hit me in the shin, really bruised it and I have several scabs there too.  Too busy yesterday to think about it!  didn't have time to sit down until 8 pm so let Kodie stay up a few minutes so we'd have cuddle time.  He got his walks and play date.
I have an appt. with my new doctor Friday morning 8:30!  They start in the car with a tablet, then he'll move me inside to examine my mouth.  Yay, thank God, a doctor who actually LOOKS!!!

Still pulling teeth to get Healthnet to update my card on line so I can print it for the doctor, otherwise they'll have to call them to verify they're my PCP and covered.  Ugh, that took more time up.  

I called my eye place and they don't have any appts. open until June, my current health ins pays $250 but my new one only $100, so may pass on new glasses for now.    They've never been booked out that far before but apparently they shut down for Covid and are catching up.  I took the June appt. in case I change my mind.

Got sugar free chocolate chips from WM yesterday and they sent them in a huge box with tons of packing and insulation that falls apart if you cut it from the box and I had to pop about 100 bubble bags, by the time I got all but the box into my garbage can, it was literally over 1/2 full!  And nine days before the garbageman comes.  So annoying that they used so much packing material!  Would have called and complained but have enough hassles on my plate right now.

Gwen, I can so relate to your days as it seems everything is a struggle and dealing with medical is the worst.  I'm so sorry this jury summons is adding more to your hassle.  I hope your day goes better today!
Today:  Appt. and check on my sister.  

[Gwenivere]

Thought I was going to have a lighter phone day today.  Then I got the mail.  That plan is shot to hell.  Don’t know how much I can accomplish as I have counseling at 3:30.  Got statements on my new Medicare supplement that don’t make sense like denying a visit to my PCP in January.  Unclear on my oxygen bill.  All this on top of one of the worst nights sleep.  Might be another vent coming tonight.  Gonna be a frustrating day.  Anytime insurance is involved it’s a guaranteed headache.  

[Gwenivere]

As I expected, on the phone up til counseling.  Trying to knock out one last one, the place had closed as it was back east and 3 hours ahead.  Counseling was just OK.  There just isn’t anything new to add beyond pain getting worse and realizing my highly averse reaction to surgery is the worry about my hip being a separate issue, no viable way to find out and that rehab this time around, if I did anything, would really be a trap.  When I was in for pneumonia, I could leave if I wanted to.  Can’t do that when you have incisions and need help tending to them.  That loss of choice terrifies me.  I was reading an article to change your routine a bit during covid as the mundaneness causes depression.  Thinking about change depressed me because it created anxiety.  I have to keep in mind these articles are directed at people not fighting any other battles like grief, medical issues or both.  They are for the family next door just worn out from their once busy family life.  I’d just like to now and then say something and get a reply.   Not have the house so deathly quiet if the TV wasn’t on.  Play a board game for a change.    A whole world out there and I’m now lost on my own.

[Gwenivere]

Yesterday was a terrible day.  Aside from insurance and now some desk top computer problems I have to wait on my BIL to send me a USB stick to try and fix, I could barely get thru my errands with the back pain.  It’s getting so bad that simple grocery shopping is becoming scary because my right leg gives out.  It’s creating a big fear now.  Loss of independence is a horrible feeling.  Even Steve couldn’t help me with this.  It’s incredibly depressing and I think of him all the time now.  How our life was so fulfilling like I see in people around me despite the pandemic.  Today I dint know hat to do, or not do.  The not do is the bigger problem as just sitting here is hard as I don’t watch TV during the day and don’t want to start.  I don’t know what Steve could do, but I know his presence would relieve so much of the anxiety.  I guess I can never say enough that his loss has left me half alive.

[kayc]

I've heard to keep your routine, LOL!  Oh well, I have one, it helps, but some days it's blown to hell.  I hear you on ins.  What I'm going through (switching everything) is kind of scary because it's uncharted territory (for me) and unfamiliar, but I'm taking control regardless.  I finally was able to print the temporary ins. card!

The above came up in the editor, I thought I'd posted it, don't remember how long ago...

Kodie is sick, vomiting and diarrhea, Jazzy's mom gave him a rawhide chew Wed. I was hoping he was past that now, but I guess not, didn't sleep much, had to take him out at 1:30 am and didn't get back to sleep.  He's sleeping on the couch right now.  Guess that means no to my trip tomorrow.  It's snowing anyway, they said on KVAL last night it would snow 8" through Sunday at 2,000 ft. and I'm at 2,500.  So much for getting to see my kids and grandkids. 

I messed up my doctor's appt, my brain isn't working for all the stress, have an appt. for Thursday.  I may have it figured out though, it could be allergy, if so it could take quite a while to get over.  Placed a call to a company to check spices, I need to know if this is an allergy I'm aware of or something new.  They never called me back like they said they would and now it's the weekend.  Don't know when I'll get groceries again as it's to snow all week and who know when it'll quit.  Another month of winter.

I understand, Gwen as I don't turn the t.v. on in the daytime either.  Do you like to read?  Before Kodie I did, but I don't get uninterrupted time anymore.  So hoping he gets better soon!

 

[Gwenivere]

So sorry to hear about Kodie.  I never give dogs rawhide as I heard a very long time ago how it could make them ill and possibly have blockages.  A woman god me some edible chews (pork instead of beef) and Mel ate it so fast I decided no more.  

I do like to read, but in the evening.  I do a lot on the tablet now that I am so limited.  But until a few weeks ago, afternoons were for getting out and doing things.  There’s so much I want to do but too leery from the pain.  Just trekking for the mail is daunting.  Getting dressed and to where I am sitting now to write this was excruciating.  Having to bend over so much we never realize til it hurts.  But I’ve whined about this so many times.  I’m just scared because it’s getting worse and surgery is my only 'hope' which is ironic as it is such a gamble.  Plus I don’t know if I can mentally handle it.

I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the snow you do, Kay.  I hate the rain here but have to remind myself we chose to live here, tho it doesn’t prevent one from getting out.  But it sure is uncomfortable.   

[nashreed]

I feel for you, Gwen. I know that Annette loved Tulsa, but the weather was not kind to her Rheumatoid Arthritis. She hated the desert/valley in California, but it would have been better for her pain level. Right now, it's another beautiful sunny day and I hate it. I have such Survivor's Guilt that she can't enjoy the sun. I ate dinner and she can't enjoy food anymore. Maybe what she has now is so much better that it makes life here seem like hell, I don't know. I want to believe so badly that she is happy. 

[Gwenivere]

I struggle, also, about if Steve 'feels' anything.   That’s because I don’t know what happens when people die.  My logical side says it’s over.  No existence.  We are complex because we have self awareness unlike other animals.  It’s hard to accept we could simply vanish.  Until people I loved started leaving thru death, I didn’t give it much thought beyond that because....we’re all immortal, right?  MY parents weren’t going to die even tho other people’s had.  Certainly MY husband was not going to die either.  Losing dogs was the worst pain of loss I ever felt.  Now that it has personally touched me many times over, I want to believe there is something beyond this existence, but that may just be wishful thinking.  I get it about little things.  I eat something new and wish Steve could experience it.  All kinds of new things that happen he has missed.  Also continual things we started together I finished alone like some series we watched.  I just hope if there is more, it is worth us being apart beyond just freeing him of the cancer that caused so much pain.   I hope he has a remembrance of us.  I’ve never felt his presence as some have so that Is hard.  I’m just left with his stuff.  And my memories.  I don’t have survivors guilt and don’t understand that as it wasn’t a situation I could have died too.   I have survivor loneliness.

[nashreed]

I know in my heart that Annette is in Heaven, whatever that might mean for different people. I have never doubted it- it's the only thing I'm sure of. She believed, and she was never wrong. 

Her father is very religious, and believes that Heaven is just worshipping Jesus for eternity, and I don't want to say that would be bad... But an old school friend who is a widow has seen a psychic a few times (I know it's been discussed here without consensus), and has been told her husband watches over her and is with her in the car, etc. The psychic knew things that only my friend knew, etc. etc. I know that I felt a very realistic dream of Annette hugging me on Christmas Eve- more real and vivid than any usual dream, and I woke up immediately from it to remember it. 

My point is, I choose to believe in an afterlife because it gives me hope. I believe there's more evidence there is one than isn't. If there isn't, you'll never know- but if there is, it will be the happiest day of my life. Annette will be waiting for me, and I believe our love transcends the physical body and it's forever. I have faith. It's sometimes all I have. There's no harm in it. 

In our relationship, it always seemed that we were where we were supposed to be at any one time... things always happened for a reason (good or bad), and ....and Annette is free of pain now. There has to be a higher purpose, a reason for everything... I may be rambling now... 

[Gwenivere]

I remember when Steve told me he believed in God.  This was years into our life together.  I never knew!  He knew I didn’t and the problems I had with religion being raised Catholic.  This led to a lot of very interesting discussions as we pondered the philosophy of each side.  His view was very freeing of what came after this life and I so hope he was right.  I don’t know if we will see each other again, but. I’d like to think we will.  I remember reading a belief you travel with the same 'people' again and again in lives.  Sometimes being spouses, siblings, parent/child or lifelong friend.  Theory being you know that between lives but not on this plane.  I liked that idea.  All I know is there have been people in my life, not related, that the connection was so strong.  Like it was meant to be.

[kayc]

I know religion isn't the answer as it's usually organization based (comprised of people who aren't perfect) but I believe GOD is and believe by faith (choice to believe in something unseen, can't prove but know anyway) that life continues after this existence.  George and my journey began on faith in each other and I continue it much the same way only instead of it being a week until we could connect, now it's the longest wait of my life!  But it helps me to do a day at a time, I can handle that.  I can't handle thinking about "the rest of my life" as that's too much for my anxiety.

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

that the connection was so strong.  Like it was meant to be.

That's how I feel too!

[kayc]

I slept 8 hours straight last night, almost unheard of!  Kodie is still asleep, hoping he's better today, he vomited early morning yesterday but never pooped, I only fed him 1/4 cup twice of his chicken/rice/pumpkin mixture.  He's hungry.  He'll get the same today and tomorrow if no vomiting I'll try him back on his puppy/dog food.  He got three walks yesterday as it aids digestion and let him have a play date yesterday afternoon, he was a little slower than usual but still did his running with her.

[Kieron]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I remember reading a belief you travel with the same 'people' again and again in lives.

I've read this, too.  Last night I happened to catch Contact, starring Jodie Foster, and the scene where she arrives at the beach after going through the wormhole experience, was too hard to watch. I've seen the movie before, but I see it with new eyes now.

[nashreed]

At some point, a friend of Annette's did a palm reading or something involving past lives- All I really remember was her saying that Annette was on her "last" life and I was a new soul on my first life. I certainly hope that's a bunch of hooey. I want no second life or anything without her. I can't even imagine living in this messed up world in the year 2100 or something in future lives. Forget that noise. I can't even imagine how bad music would be. 

I saw an episode of Hoarders where a guy was dealing with the loss of his wife by hoarding thousands of rats. I guess hoarding CD's ain't so bad. I mean, you can never have too much music. Hoarding garbage and just random knick knacks doesn't make sense. It's all just filling a void though. 

[Gwenivere]

I don’t remember what the entity told her.  Can you refresh my memory?  

I edited my above post a I left out an important word....being.  Those different life connections can be different each time.  Spouse one time, siblings the next, mother, father and gender changes.  

Another morning waking up wondering why.  Especially dark today with rain and lots of pain.  Nothing to do.  The same question goes thru my head every day now as I crawl out of bed.  What is the point of this anymore?  I want to cry but it won’t happen.  Like I’m too empty to even do that.  Melody runs around in glee.  I so envy her.  Even in the dull times of day, she just curls up and sleeps.  I was trying to think of ways to get her more exercise and 'we' time but between her aversion to leaving the house and my back, can’t come up with anything beyond throwing her ball longer which would be out today anyway.  But she can’t fill that deep hole that Steve created.  

I’m often disappointed in myself that I haven’t found something like many have to hold onto.  Maybe kids would have helped tho they didn’t fit our lifestyle.  So many things I think of when it just comes down to it was being together.  Such a simple 'magic'.  There was never anything I wanted to pursue beyond our family and volunteering.  Those are gone.  Never wanted to travel or take a course in something.  I was so content just doing day to day things.  I still do, but many of us know they are now just tasks, not actual life going on.  I found some smoked salmon we loved yesterday. Was excited about it til I got home.  No one to share it with.  Used to be it would be a big deal.  So many things mean nothing now.

im becoming mentally old.  The physical I have to accept.  Can’t change it.  But my mindset wavers.  Sometimes I feel so young in thought.  But more and more I’m feeling old.  Used up, not needed, fulfilling nothing anyone needs or wants.  How just that one person can complete a life.  It angers me this would have slowly happened together and we would have found our way.  It would have been a shared transition and ways to handle it.  Probably would be as I have done, hired more people, but now I have more hours to fill, but alone.  That’s the kicker.

[nashreed]

I'm sorry, Gwen. I wonder why I check my blood pressure, and my blood sugar and take my medications... why? I don't want to grow old. Geez... I really, really don't want to grow old. Annette always joked that she would divorce me if I turned into a grumpy old man. The damn kids outside make me literally angry and twitchy. Sorry, Annette- I am that grumpy old man now. 

[Gwenivere]

This inmate need for survival gets me too.  I take my meds, do some of what I’m supposed to even tho I don’t really care.  And grumpy?  You betcha!  Never really felt that way with Steve.  I was always a pleasant person.  Guess I’m fulfilling the lonely old lady roll now.  Fortunately I mostly unleash it on telemarketers and not on people face to face.  But I talk a lot less.  There actually are some things I’d like to do like get new glasses, but the trek in and out twice dissuades me.  The lack of exercise has gained me a few pounds so my jeans aren’t that comfy now.  Don’t want to have to buy new ones.  It’s not just lack of exercise, it’s that I eat more unhealthy now that I’m alone.  Easier to grab a sandwich and chips than cook a balanced meal.  So tons of sodium.  Steve really mucked things up by leaving.  No news flash there.

[Kieron]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t remember what the entity told her.  Can you refresh my memory?  

It was less the dialogue, which I don't remember, and more the image of seeing her father again, even if it was an illusion created by the alien technology.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm sorry, Gwen. I wonder why I check my blood pressure, and my blood sugar and take my medications... why? I don't want to grow old. Geez... I really, really don't want to grow old. Annette always joked that she would divorce me if I turned into a grumpy old man. The damn kids outside make me literally angry and twitchy. Sorry, Annette- I am that grumpy old man now. 

Because the quality of life you'd be left with if something major happened to your health would be horrible to live with.  My grandmother had a major stroke that left her comatose for 13 years before she died.  That's a hell none of us would want.  Not all get to go quickly and painlessly!