My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Swamp coolers definitely wouldn’t work here just like Phoenix and Scottsdale now, too much humidity.  Only advantage we have here is a 90’s or above spree usually only lasts a week or so.  Can’t live where Karen is without AC.  Had it go out once when I lived there and had to stay in as motel til it was fixed.  
 

I’d love someone to pump my gas now.  Been doing it my whole life.  Only time I didn’t Steve did.  
 

I’m getting the Phizer vaccine.  This was my 1st shot.  Arm is super sore and more tired.  It’s the next one that will have the heavy duty side effects if I am sensitive  to it.  That will be April 13th.  Really wish they had the J&J one, but oh well.  Not looking forward to going thru the assembly line again, tho they were very nice.  Everyone was including other patients.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Another Saturday night, my most hated night of the week.  After all these years I can’t shake how I loved going out to eat at 'our' spot, not having to cook or clean up, just talk and be together.  Come home and watch a movie or SNL and have a couple drinks before snuggling into bed.  As it’s been for the last 6+ years, I sat alone at our table eating a community center box meal in silence in my sweats.  No conversation of thoughts, happenings or plans.  No dressing up.  No hearing him shower while I napped before going out.  Miss the waitress we got to know over the years who brought us free desserts and was teaching Steve Spanish.  When he passed I went by and she cried with me.  
 

some things are just going to hurt forever, I guess.  I’ve waited a long time and it hasn’t stopped.  No leftovers for the furry kids which are gone too.  It’s the only night I don’t care about the physical pain going to bed.  I just want tonight to end.

Got caught up in A Star is Born with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. Not the best choice with his dying.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, please know that I think of you each Saturday night because I know how much it meant to you and how hard it is now.

Thursday was my birthday. I didn't even realize it until my son hugged me and told me "Happy Birthday". Life just keeps passing by and I don't seem to have the energy to even wave. Don't think I'll ever get used to no phone call from my daughter. 

That was a great movie, a real tear jerker. I don't watch many of those. I watch a ton of movies. Watched an action movie called " Collison". Actors unknown to me, but a wild plot that really kept you going. I finally started getting movies from the library again, so can see some of the newer ones.

 

[kayc]

I can't remember the last time I watched a movie, never have time it seems.

Drove the 60 miles to town to pick up taxes and get groceries, run errands, never got to, will have to go back later this week.  Car light came on (air pressure again), I just got new tires & alignment a week ago!  Called the dealership to see if they could check it while I was down there, nope!  They said to call Mon. for an appt.  Will go back to the tire place instead.  Could be I'll just have to live with the light for a while.

Went to tax place, forgot my mask, so back out to the car to get it...in a hurry and banged the car door into my head really hard, busting it wide open!  Blood poured everywhere, all over my hair, face, glasses, clothes!  Got bandages from the tax place and cleaned up as best as I could.  Called my ins. to find out where to have it taken care of, they do not cover urgent care!  Had to go emergency to hospital instead, will be $90 copay instead of the $25 copay at urgent care I could have done last year!  1 1/2 more weeks until my new ins. starts!  No to Healthnet!!!  So I spent three hours waiting at "emergency," no one even brought me ice for the noggin on my head!  Anyway, by the time I got out it was too late to get groceries, so felt like a trip I shouldn't have taken, except I did need to sign documents at the tax place.  Poor Kodie was home alone way too long.  Good boy though, as always.  Took him for play date...they'll be leaving for vacation Tuesday and he's going to miss her!  

Karen, Happy late birthday, I wish I'd known!  Barely remember my own but it's Kodie's too!
 

[nashreed]

Kay, I am so sorry. You are a walking menace to yourself. It is so sad that you're so accident prone- and it's sad you have to face it alone. 

[MartyT]

 

SO sorry, dear Kay!  ❤️

 

 

[kayc]

Walking menace, huh? 

Thank you for your sentiments!

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I was going to say the same, lovingly of course.  Sometimes I’m my worst enemy too.  Seems you have a target on your back otherwise.  you haven’t been hexed that you know of recently, have you?   Oh yeah, that insurance company.  Hope they will be worth it when it kicks in.  Be careful til April!!!  😳

this is a perfect  example of inept insurance companies.  Urgent care would have cost cost so much less, yet they have these inane rules.  My cop at at urgent is 30 as opposed to 90 at ER too.  Urgent is always a lower bill to my insurance.  If the government wasn’t picking up the tab on covid vaccines, who knows how much they’d charge.  nothing has made sense since I had to get on Medicare.  It’s been confusion and mismanaged clams since day one with them and my supplemental.  
 

Hope you are Doing OK today.  What a frustration for the plans you made.    
 

happy birthday, Kodie!  🦴🦴🦴

[Gwenivere]

Belated birthday thoughts to you Karen.  I’m glad you have your son.  I know it’s so hard missing those voices of those we lost.  My birthday means nothing to me now.  It’s been replaced by the day, for you days, that those people left.  Lousy exchange.  

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Belated birthday thoughts to you Karen.

Yes indeed, Karen ~ the same to you from all of us! ❤️

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

If the government wasn’t picking up the tab on covid vaccines, who knows how much they’d charge.

The hospital charged almost $900!!  The insurance paid less than half I think, will be reimbursed by the feds & we'll likely all get our taxes raised to cover it before all of this is over.  They either print more money (inflation) or raise our taxes.  Neither one a good outcome for us.

Nope, not Kodie's birthday, his is on MY birthday, not Karen's.   The birthday gif was for Karen!  Sorry I wasn't more clear!

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

After having set up my new iPad by myself and solved leftover problems as well as fixing my desktop after an update messed up my mail, I tried applying a blue light screen protector on the iPad.  It got all messed up from tiny specks of dust or dog hair,  I peeled it off so many times I had to order another one to fully stick.  I could have tried to have Amazon replace it, but I figure I just need to be more careful, tho I thought I was.  So, get to try this again and it’s not even technical!   Talk about humbling.  That should have been the only thing I did.  Steve would have transferred the data or been amazed I did, and also got my desktop working again. I wish I felt some big accomplishment.  As usual, without him, nothing much matters.  It’s really been hitting me in the morning now.  Besides the horrid pain, it’s that emptiness that hits when my mind wakes up. I’ll carry it all day til I get a couple hours that night knowing it will be waiting for me.  My counselor sent me an article about not having human touch (without latex gloves) for such a long time (2019 for me).  Reiterating the term 'skin hunger'.  Wish I knew if I’ll ever feel that again.  Or if I do, will it feel weird?  The article talked about how this so alters our mental state and can make what was once usual unto odd for those of us with no one to interact with out any family.  

[nashreed]

I know that I'll never have another relationship- and it's not even by choice. I hope it doesn't offend anybody, my saying this, but it seems to me that any woman could find a man (not necessarily the best man, but somebody so that they don't have to be alone if they so choose). It's just more of a reality that a woman can choose to be alone, or not. Even my 84 year old Mom with no teeth could find companionship if she really wanted to- maybe not easily during the pandemic, but after things go back to "normal". Older men like me are just seen as creepy unless they have some money and means. Again, please don't take offense. There's just a lot more lonely men, in my opinion. All the women are taken- and that's ok. I can sail this ship alone.

[kayc]

I disagree with that, nashreed.  I've grown old alone and I'm very attractive, think I'm a good catch, but no one makes advances, and I don't count flirtations from strangers based on looks alone.  Some of us ARE particular about who we might want to spend our life with and no one seems to fit the bill!  In the last umpteen years I've only met one who would meet my criteria but he doesn't live here and I haven't a clue what he looks like, not that it matters, to me it's the PERSON, not the exterior, that is important.  Values, beliefs, lifestyle, thoughtfulness, humor, their heart and morals.  I would not settle for anyone out of desperation.  Maybe it's taken me a lifetime to learn but I have learned!

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I peeled it off so many times I had to order another one to fully stick.

Usually if you rinse it thoroughly and let it air dry completely, it's stickiness will return.

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The article talked about how this so alters our mental state and can make what was once usual unto odd for those of us with no one to inject with out any family.  

This is what's been on my heart and mind recently.  

Last night I was so upset...I felt my throat hurting and looked and it's chock full of sores again and bleeding!  I thought it was about done with all that.  I told my sister and she said it must be God's will for me.  I'd just told her how my  kids never call and I don't know what's with my son, he's never been like this ever, and this year has been one of my hardest and I don't even hear from him!  So I felt when she said that, Oh great, my kids don't care and now even God doesn't!  She says stupid inappropriate things from lack of common sense and throw in the dementia, anyway, I wanted to get off the phone with her as she was upsetting me more and she kept calling back!  I finally said, "Look, is it okay if I don't talk?  I really need off the phone!"  I know she was upset then but God some people have a way of "cheering you up!"  My BS is back up again this morning.  I didn't eat anything bad.  My"friend" Francine told me, "Maybe it's the way you're eating!"  Oh like eating healthy is bad for you?  People!  I feel like I have the plague this last year, my hands constantly hurting, my knee has hurt for 5 1/2 months, my throat for almost three months, now my head hurts from bumping it too, but "it must be the way I'm eating" or "God's will."  Combine all that with being left alone for a year without calls from my son, he hasn't even cashed his Christmas check.  Today is his birthday.  He'll have to work, probably won't be able to talk to him today either.  To top it off I hate seeing Kodie disappointed for 3 1/2 weeks while his bestie is away and out of commission...I can't explain it to him like a child.  He wanted to go to her house so bad last night!  And today he is sick.  And he's about all that's good in my life, that and a couple of friends I never get to see.  Of course I love God and have a relationship with Him but I don't see Him being behind all that I'm going through.  Oh well, just having a hard time.  And my little sister told me (on FB) that I need to turn to God and not make my kids my universe.  What?!  I try to leave them alone, I know she complains when her kids don't call, I'd built a life here w/o my kids as I know I can't count on them, but is it wrong to expect a phone call once in a while?  Even once a month would be great!  Oh well, can't count on family I guess.

[nashreed]

I'm sorry, Kay. If you couldn't find anybody that "makes the first move", there's definitely not any hope for me. 

Family is pretty messed up. You can't choose 'em. My Mom is mad at me, because my new speakers came and they're huge (the boxes at least) and heavy. My arm is not up for setting them up yet, so they're in the living room.  She's mad after I told her that music is the only thing I have to look forward to. I don't really care if she is giving me the silent treatment. That's what headphones are for. Lately, I've been finding comfort in the music of the early 60's- Andy Williams and crooners and such. I'm really getting old. 

[Gwenivere]

I drug myself to Best Buy and had them install a new screen protector.  It’s flawless!  They didn’t even charge me as they couldn’t figure out how since I didn’t buy it from them.  I was most appreciative.  
 

counseling was frustrating.  Zoom didn’t cooperate at first.  I had nothing new to say and I’m still yearning for what I can’t have.  I was saying I was finding it so hard to live without meaning anything to someone special.  When asked if I meant anything to myself and replying no, she said you can’t get anywhere til you feel that first.  Seems a conundrum to me.  I get I can’t have what I had in the past that gave me meaning.  Looking into my empty self, I don’t know how to find anything.  All the ways that fulfilled me before are gone.  The women I recently met are not turning out to be people I feel pursuing much.  

My other counselor is really not helping right now and I’m thinking of taking a break from him.  That cuts me off from communication, but he hasn’t lost a spouse or a dog that was as important as any person.  
 

*this is where it’s just whining, my fair warning*
 

so I live this repetitive routine day after day as far as getting up, when I eat, watch TV, use the computer thinking I will feel some control.  But I don’t.  I’m just all I know.  Back in the day with Steve, the times were the same, but the fillers in between were so varied.  Now I mostly sit, wondering what to do.  I went to the grocery yesterday needing nothing.  Bought a cosmic crisp apple (which if you’ve never had one you don’t know how awesome they are) and bottle of wine.  I felt sorry for myself. Ashamed I have succumb to that.  Never felt that except when addicted to coke.  That was easy to remedy compared to this.  I can live without the drug.  I don’t know how to live without love and meaning.  There are no dealers for that to call.  No price to get it.  I'd happily pay it.  
 

it always feels so bad this time of night.  Another day almost gone and no feeling of contribution to anything.  A nurse from my insurance called the other day wanting to know if she could help schedule all the procedures I have been told to do.  I told her I have no plans to day any beyond a blood test for my monthly check in with my doc.  No mammograms, colonoscopies, endoscopies, bone density, surgery, heart evaluation.  You have to care about yourself to do that.  Have some reason to address issues that may be shortening my life and quality of it.  If I could see Steve’s eyes, hear his voice, feel our dogs fur snuggling at night and take them volunteering or running again, that’s motivation.  Just a lonely woman in the night now.  All day is night.

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm sorry, Kay. If you couldn't find anybody that "makes the first move", there's definitely not any hope for me. 

Well it's not like I actively searched, just saying, that's been my experience, so it's not easy for women either.

Maybe take the speakers out of the boxes at least and dispose of the packaging so it's out of the way?  I don't think that'd be unreasonable, after all, it is her house.  Maybe your brother could help you if you ask him to?

Gwen, wow, I'm impressed with Best Buy!  I heard a bunch of them were closing, hoping not the Springfield one or yours!  Glad you got your screen on!

Maybe see how you're doing after taking a break from the counseling.  Seems we all need to be heard, if we aren't, well it doesn't help much.  That's what I was feeling with my sisters, doesn't help to turn there either apparently.  Too bad, I've been there all my life for them.  Heard through the grapevine that my other sister (Polly) misses hearing from me.  When I call she's always busy/rushing/talks so I can't get a word in, and she's the one that went off on me for an hour in her anger a while back, so of course why would I want more of the same!  Phones are two way streets.  Lets just say I wouldn't pay them for a session, but don't want anything to happen to them either.  We're all missing our person.    And it doesn't matter if it's been weeks or years.

 

[nashreed]

Gwen, I understand absolutely 100% what you mean. I have such a boring routine now. I also had what would seem to be a boring routine with Annette, but her being with me made it not boring. It was great! I can do the same things now without her and it's boring, except for my music listening time- which is all I have to look forward to. I waffle between days where I say "Cool, I'm going to be fully vaccinated and maybe I can see my friend when his family are fully vaccinated, and he said we can go to a ball game" and all this...hope, and then days like today where I just want to join the local gopher population, cover my head with dirt and not give a crap.

I don't believe that "self love" crap. I kinda liked the person I was with Annette, because she loved me to pieces. I don't like myself at all now, because Annette isn't here. My reason for being a good person is gone. I was good because of her. She made me a loving, warm person, which goes against my families nature of no hugs, no warmth. I don't need to like myself to feel enjoyment. I need to not have this survivors guilt. The person I was with Annette is gone too. I can't be the same person. I'm not sure who I am now. I act differently with whoever I'm with. 

You do deserve to reward yourself. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Do it as a reward for getting through another day. Lord knows, I have blown my tax refund and stimulus on "rewards" (CD's) because, like the classic hoarder, I am trying to fill an emptiness that is unfillable. I would never go to therapy, because I know all the answers and "the right thing to do". I've watched enough "Hoarders" too, to know that it's just stuff- but right now, it makes me "happy", as happy as I can be- which is not very happy, but it's all I got. 

And Annette told her sister once that she loved the fact that I was a CD collector- not sure why. Maybe it's just that I had a hobby I enjoyed. (My name is listed as a contributor to a CD collectors book from the 90's) So many people I see on Facebook have gone down the vinyl rabbit-hole with the colored vinyl, blah, blah. Vinyl is a pain in the butt, and a lot of work to make sound good (I used to even have an 8-track phase, but they are really a pain to repair, etc)

 

[Gwenivere]

I grew up with vinyl.  No such things as CD's or cassettes or 8 tracks.  Think I was in my mid 20’s when cassettes came out and thrilled as I wasn’t tied to the radio in my car.  What I miss is Steve could make me mix CD's.  Just my fav stuff.  Now new stuff is stored on my iPad and I rarely listen to it. Not the greatest sound quality.

11 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't believe that "self love" crap. I kinda liked the person I was with Annette, because she loved me to pieces. I don't like myself at all now, because Annette isn't here. My reason for being a good person is gone. I was good because of her. She made me a loving, warm person, which goes against my families nature of no hugs, no warmth. I don't need to like myself to feel enjoyment. I need to not have this survivors guilt. The person I was with Annette is gone too. I can't be the same person. I'm not sure who I am now. I act differently with whoever I'm with. 

I’m really sorry you feel this way.  I do too but in different ways.  Sometimes I look back at how I was when I was younger and see vanity.  But it really was that I liked who I was, a lot.  That opened doors to so many opportunities with people.  It kept our marriage a great one as Steve valued himself too.  I think we have to have that as a foundation to be part of the world which I greatly enjoyed.  I know you have said that you didn’t, just Annette.  We had many people in our lives.  That was how we were wired.  We’d always be the most important to each other, but needed some needs filled in different ways. I couldn’t fill his need for musicians, for example. 
 

i don’t know what you mean about not being a good person.  Do you consider yourself not as a whole?  Are you non caring?  Hurt people?  Just not like yourself?  I consider a good person one that cares about others and tries not to inflict deliberate harm.  I’ve never sensed that in your posts.  Just impatience with the circumstance you are in which I would attribute to grief.  All of us here have been forever altered by that.  But I still care about people around me.  I’ve lost patience with the med community because of so many obstacles I feel would have happened widowed or not.  Going on Medicare upended my life.  Physical problems did the same as I’ve aged alone.  
 

I do little rewards that sometimes help.  To be honest, it concerns me you have spent all your money in a hoarders fashion.  You recognize it and it is certainly your business, not mine.  I know you don’t see a future, but chances are you will live much longer.  Do you really feel fulfilled by these purchases?  I only ask because I don’t know the feeling.  I have the opposite when I bring home things I don’t need trying to fill a void no tangible thing will.  The iPad felt good as I actually needed it.  I get so discouraged going out and not needing anything as when Steve was here there were always things that needed restocking.  I have this blind memory and often buy things I already have and get frustrated trying to find places to put them. Someone looking at some of food I have would think I was hoarding.  I now have to remind myself that just because there is a sale, another will come when I need it.  Still hard to pass up tho.  I actually feel better when I pass and not finding I overdid it again.

You mentioned  your new speakers and the boxes bothering your mom.  I do agree it is her house and her space respected.

This isn’t a critique.  Just observation and my curiosity on something I don’t understand as I know nothing I do will really stop the pain about Steve.  I’ve found I can joke with people.  It’s the alone times that smother me.

[nashreed]

She gets over things quickly- she was just annoyed. I am setting them up tonight. The stereo is in my brothers room. I can't set them up when he's here- too many cooks and all that.

Today when I was at Walgreens, a lady asked me for a ride up the street or wherever she said. Of course, I said no. You can't go anywhere in this town without getting the shake down for money or something else. Does that make me a bad person? I feel like a bad person. Deep down, I'm selfish and rude, like my family. Annette made me want to be better. Without her, I feel like I've reverted to being a jerk. I feel like I'm maybe not being me when "being nice", like with her Dad. I certainly can't be "myself". I was always trying to make Annette say "Ew!", by saying the nastiest thing I could think of, for example. It was funny with her. I don't intentionally mean to be mean. I am a caring person, but that part of me is closed off. I always like artists who are a-holes, anyway, like Lou Reed, Neil Young. Nice musicians are boring, like Kelly Clarkson, or somebody. My Mom has Judge Judy on for some reason. Now there's a bitch. Why on earth is she being needlessly mean? Just her schtick I guess. 

 

 

 

[nashreed]

My Mom says that Judge Judy can always tell when people are lying to her, and that's why she's so mean. I always trust people and believe what they're saying. I'm actually too trusting and too sensitive, so ....

[Gwenivere]

Well, James, I’m still confused.  You say you’re a jerk but trusting and caring.  I apologize for pushing you as you have so much grief and the more home to deal with.  Keep being the you you are.  It’s all we can do.  
 

I went to the Dollar Store today for lack of anything to do and got several things I didn’t need with what I did.  Thought about taking them back, but it would hurt doing the trek again. I have to get prepared for the useful weekend errands.  Like meals and showers.  Just cleaned the birdcage and begged them to stop tearing up the newspaper.  I doubt they will listen.  Had to apologize to my dog for screaming at her as she clawed my my foot accidentally, but I’m overly sensitive to pain.  I know she had forgotten, but I felt better for it.  
 

I had to get out as I ran into problems with my mail order meds.  Passwords not working, getting locked out of my account, calling 4 times to get a human being.  Am so sick of this.    All I wanted them to do is not refill them next month, but to wait til May.  Got it done but my frustration level was exceeded.  Being the masochist I am I went to the hospital for my blood draw.  Wasn’t too bad and fast.  Got out without paying for parking.  Free under 30 minutes and on weekends.  Housekeeper coming tomorrow.  Bed gets changed which alway is nice.  
 

phone went out while I was doing the RX mess so the alarm panel was beeping.   Finally came back as it was driving Mel and I  nuts.  I so want a day that isn’t complicated.  Something always seems to find me.  Grateful I had no mail today.  Maybe that will be the catalyst tomorrow.  It’s depressing dreading every day.  I go to sleep now picking places from the past that were nice.   Might as well make some good use of those memories besides pain.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't believe that "self love" crap.

It's not crap.  It's important to value ourselves and demonstrate it not only with our actions but what we tell ourselves.

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, nashreed said:

I can't set them up when he's here- too many cooks and all that.

Oh, I get that!

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

My Mom says that Judge Judy can always tell when people are lying to her, and that's why she's so mean.

That meanness gets her ratings, anything over the top does.  IMO she needs to retire...the sooner the better!  I don't like to see her.
 Went to the new doctor yesterday, I like him, he is knowledgeable and progressive, keeps up on the latest medical.  He wants me to go off my inhaler for at least a month, see how I do, if my throat/tongue clear up as that could be contributing, it's a known side effect.  Also wants to see how my lungs do, he'd like to have pulmonary testing done on me as no one has ever tested me but branded me COPD w/o discussion or tests!  He can't take it off my records w/o testing it, but would like to wait for Covid to settle down first or send me to a facility that can do it as they have special filtration in place.  I hope I don't start wheezing.  At some point I may go in for allergy scratch tests again as it's been 36+ years since they've done it and I could have new allergies I'm not aware of.  Elimination diet is hard and very lengthy to figure out, my diet already has so many limitations, I hate to cut out things if I don't need to, I won't know what to eat anymore!  Could go to all meat for a while, but don't want to, that'd have to be last resort, when it'd be easier for them to just schedule me with a specialist.  New ins. starts 4/1!

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I had to get out as I ran into problems with my mail order meds.  Passwords not working, getting locked out of my account, calling 4 times to get a human being.

I went through this with my doctor's portal.  It wouldn't send me a pw reset but it said I had an account, but neither would it let me in.  FINALLY got in just as I got someone on the phone!  I guess you're supposed to sit and wait over 15 minutes!  Nuts.

Reminds me, I just paid for a three month supply of Rxs but they may need to change the Rxs as my blood pressure is too high the last couple of weeks.  With my stress, is it any wonder!  I hate switching, more $ down the drain.  I wish I knew someone who could use my Rxs I'm not taking anymore.

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I so want a day that isn’t complicated.

I hear you!  Me too.   I hardly know what it is to have a day to relax and enjoy.  Every day is work or hassles it seems.  I don't even know what it is to get bored.  Snow coming Sun. night and Monday, more shoveling, they upped the predictions.  Shouldn't have much more winter left, then I can worry about drought, dogs barking at night when the windows are open.  At least Spring and Fall are diversions from hardship.