My Sanity Needed Vents

[nashreed]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It's not crap.  It's important to value ourselves and demonstrate it not only with our actions but what we tell ourselves.

 

I don't like myself very much right now, because I can see how I am becoming so much like my family and how I used to be, and I'm slowly losing what made me "Annette's husband". I'm short and rude. I don't mean to be, but I'm so lonely and miserable that it just comes out. Things like the stupid neighborhood kids set me off, and make me cranky. I have no energy to be polite- it's hard enough to do it one I'm with my father-in-law. It's exhausting. He's going to be home alone the first week of June (his family is going on a trip- he doesn't like to travel anymore because of IBS), and he wants to have me round for company, and so it will be nice to get out of here, but it's also really, really hard to be chatty and "nice". I don't know that I'm a mean person deep down. I was always trying to be good with Annette, but the stress of her health situations resulted in a lot of screaming and anger, and I hate myself for being upset with her- it was hard.

I just don't know what I am anymore. Just a shell of myself, whoever that was.

[Gwenivere]

Woke up today with a weird experience.  I had a dream in a dream.  The inner dream was Steve died.  The outer dream was me telling him about it and him chuckling telling me not to worry, he wasn’t going anywhere and how silly that was.    He was healthy and looked like the man I knew before being ravaged.  I was so relieved.  Then I woke up for real.  Blew that fuzzy feeling away.  I usually like seeing him as it’s so rare now, but this was tough.

I then saw the bag of Ally's fur out back had been scattered on the patio by the crows.  Confused me at first as it obviously wasn’t food.  Then it hit me, they’re building nests for the spring.  Went out and gathered what I could.  Now I have this bag of fur I never really paid attention to and don’t know what to do with.  Can easily put bit in the trash, but now I’ve touched all I have left of her physical being.  I like the idea of part of her in the cycle of life.  Can’t contain them coming back tho.  Can’t leave it to get wet and yucky.  So, a dilemma.  Guess I’ll rebar it and put it back on the bench.  Trash feels wrong right now.

med mail came.  Doesn’t require any phone calls for a change.  Just have to get thru the housekeeper and try and get dinner and a shower.  Lots of pain as always. Usually like her company.  Dream and fur set me on a different path I wasn’t excepting.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't like myself very much right now, because I can see how I am becoming so much like my family

We have a choice if we don't like ourselves, make a change, it's not indelibly etched in stone, we can make little changes to start with to make a difference...important to be the person you want to be!

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Then it hit me, they’re building nests for the spring.  Went out and gathered what I could.  Now I have this bag of fur I never really paid attention to and don’t know what to do with.

I have a friend (Jazzy's mom) who does that...Jazzy was recently "blowing her fur out" as Huskies do seasonally, and she scattered it in the yard, the birds come get it to build nests with.  If you don't want it getting wet, save it for nicer weather and then put out, spring/summer is just around the corner!  The moisture cleans it though and they might like the dog smell out first?  Don't know if that bothers them or not.

[MartyT]

Keepsake Yarn Spun from Pet Hair   ❤️

[Gwenivere]

It has become apparent that the women I met at the community center and I won’t be very close.  Picking up dinner last night they were both in one car and talking was about. impossible as they were talking about stuff I couldn’t hear.  I’d yell over something and we'd talk a bit but then they were back to talking so I couldn’t hear.  It wasn’t on purpose, but I obviously felt left out.  This is becoming the norm than when each came in their own vehicles.  One would stand between two cars and we could all be involved.  I already knew this wasn’t going to pan out, but I just sat and felt lonely most of the time.  Then they decided to leave.  Had stuff to do.  Usually I’m the one leaving.  Supposed to meet again Sunday for another meal, but don’t think I’ll stick around.  
 

I’ve added no one to my life since Steve died.  Not for lack of trying.  The people that are/were there fall away slowly over time.  I guess this is how it’s going to be.  It’s been 6 years and it just keeps getting emptier and with those I know all getting older like myself, I don’t see much hope of meaningful connection.  I don’t like that I am getting to prefer being alone better.  Goes against what my life has been.  Also, others make friends still.  It’s hard to keep trying.

[kayc]

Gwen, I have no answers but I can relate.  I try.  I've tried and tried.  They come and go.  This year they've dropped like fleas.  I, too, am alone with my thoughts and my Kodie.  I keep reaching out...

[Gwenivere]

I get so worn out trying to make connections when the ways I did shut down.  My biggest losses are of true friends that took decades to make. I still have contact, but it’s so shallow now.  I’ve always been puzzled why they stopped interacting as I never dropped the ball.  They were relationships that were awesome, why would someone let them shrivel up?  I’ve heard the reasons they have been MIA.  But those were the very things we used to talk about to keep that glue strong.  Now it’s excuses.  I know some now have to add taking care of aging parents, for example, and time is eaten up more.  But we always found ways to reorganize things to fit in our priorities.  I guess that’s my answer.  I’m not one anymore.  I should be a seasoned veteran from Steve giving me the ultimate connection loss.

I don’t know about trying with others.  I don’t meet anyone much anymore.  This last one with the two women shows me how they are getting closer now that they live next door to each other.  I saw all the signs of how much tighter they were getting knowing where things were in each other’s cars and homes.  But they weren’t right for me anyway.  I was just in desperate hope.  
 

yup, it’s just me, my thoughts, occasionally my cousin and Mel.  I don’t count in my busy days on the phone with docs or insurance people.  I was reading last weeks Sunday paper last night like I used to when they had advanced editions.  It’s so odd as it is another thing from the 'us' era.  Now I have to do it Sunday.  Little things like that become big changes.  
 

Grief seems to have made me super sensitized this last year plus from when I had to be in rehab for a month.  It really took me to another world where I truly was not special to anyone.  Surroundings totally alien.  Living in a schedule that wasn’t mine.  No privacy. Made me aware of loving my home but how empty it really is.  Opened my eyes that being here wasn’t enough.  No matter where I go, it won’t be enough without him.  Plus how much harder that is not being able to talk to anyone about it much after 'all this time'.  Just here and my counselor.  When the zoom screen goes blank, I get so sad.  😓
 

[nashreed]

Oh, Gwen, as always- speaking my language.

Sunny, clear, beautiful day today- makes me super depressed and irritated at everything.

The Sunday paper is so lame now. I remember when the L.A. Times had an entertainment section on Sunday that was like a major magazine- 200 something pages of movie ads and concert listings and it was so cool. I got a subscription to just the Sunday paper and it is so lame now- maybe 12 pages (the "Calendar" section) of worthless nothing, in regular newspaper size. Not even the newspaper itself is the normal size- it's smaller and lamer. I cancelled it. Nothing is worth much nowadays.

I never had true friends. When I was with Annette, she was all I needed and the only person I wanted to spend time with. Now, thank God for Facebook and Ebay, I've actually reconnected with a few friends from school- waaay back. One lives in town and when we're all vaccinated, hopefully we can do something. Right now it's just sporadic direct messages and texts, but it's not very "connecting"- again, just kind of lame. I am so freaking lonely- desperate to fill a hole in my heart, but I know I can't. And my connection with Annette is so thin now- her things are kind of covered (to protect from dust- this house is the dustiest place on Earth) and I feel like I'm just trying to avoid thinking of her.

[Gwenivere]

Had a very wasted yesterday.  Waited on a repairman til after 5:30.  Made so many calls to Sears as they were going to reschedule it.  I was livid.  They’d done this before and I had changed things around for this.  This was an example of the squeaky wheel accomplishing something.  He couldn’t figure out how to fix it but at least left an experiment to find the source since the part that was the most likely has been changed.  In between those calls my doctor now wants to reschedule all our monthly check in’s from July thru December as he is cutting his hours.  Oh boy!  More med calls!  My favorite!  Feh.  Had a.zoom meeting with my pulmonologist and he was cool.  Wants tests done, but as I teared up said no rush at all.  Tend to the more pressing issues.....like pain and surgery decisions.  I’m always checking out vaccine responses and he got sick for a couple days like most.  My 2nd is in 2 weeks.  It’s hard to voluntarily submit to it.  
 

I so often have the TV on in the background I noticed many PSA's for quitting smoking use the 'if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for those that love you'.  Got me to thinking, what if you have any one, like me?   I did quit the cigs, still use nicotine lozenges, but while I’m glad I did for how compromised my breathing has become, it’s a reminder of that void.   My hurdle about the back surgery and it’s recovery.  Without Steve, even tho the pain is so bad, it’s like all the other things I would do if it meant a better life with him.  WITH.  Without him (or any one I love deeply), I have  no motivation.  Yikes, I’ve written this so many times.  I’m just amazed at how much is wrong this body.  
 

so, I get to make med calls today and rewrite my calendar.  Have grief counseling and then hours to kill as usual.  I was desperate for my daily 'get out of the house' after the repair appointment I went to the dollar store already.  I wish I had stuff to do.  I miss going to parks with the furry kids.  That was always a go to.  I keep thinking maybe it will be a better day.  Still waiting.  And waiting and waiting.
 

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I hate days like that when kinks are thrown in.  We try so hard to plan and cope as best as we can, then end up spending time on the phone trying to put out fires.  Sorry you had another day of it!

Six days off the inhaler and haven't noticed anything yet!  He said I should be okay for a month or so...then we'll see.

[Kacy]

Kay, I didn't even think about the inhaler because you had mentioned at first you thought it was an allergy to the spices in the one product.  But then I remembered my husband having the same issue with an inhaler.  I guess it can be a common side effect.  I can't remember which inhaler it was because it seems like they were always trying out new ones.  But it did help him when he switched to another one.  Also, they told him to rinse his mouth after using any inhaler (which you probably already know and do) and also the pharmacist said a "spacer" might help.  Just wanted to pass along in case it might help.

[Gwenivere]

Today started off with a bang.  Silence actually.  Power went out, I had no idea what time it was in bed.  Mel was going nuts from backups beeping.  I just wanted to frigging scream.  I can’t get one day that something doesn’t go wrong.  Lost my oxygen so had to haul out the emergency stuff.  My cell phone acted up.  Wasn’t sure I’d be able to have my counseling by zoom.  Had to reschedule 7 doctor appointments so wasn’t lookin forward to the day anyway.  Powers back so back strain resetting clocks, putting oxygen away and generally stressed out.  All my new doc appointments are too early as my doc is changing his schedule, so I’m reminding myself this is one day a month only.  
 

Every day is wondering if this will be the one to push me over the edge.  It’s all just life stuff, but feels so huge when you’re so down.  I keep trying to get more sleep but I seem to be hexed!

[kayc]

I have three but they're ingredients are the same, have been on it 16 years and religiously gargle/rinse!  But the doctor thinks it's both the allergy AND the inhaler causing it since it continued three months and continued outbreaks two weeks AFTER going off the offending food.  No doubt in my mind the food caused it, will see if I even need the inhaler after a month or more off of it.

Gwen, I sympathize as I hate early doctor appointments but at least my PCP is here in town now!  That helps.  I'm in for a week of it though, trying to get together with my daughter for Easter, then my DIL wants me to babysit the kids overnight the following day which means coming home to the fire out, ashes will need cleaned out upon return and fire rebuilt, the house will be freezing, AND I need to get groceries on the way home.  I wish I could put Kodie in the yard while I do all this stuff, but he very nearly dug his way out of the yard yesterday, so can't trust him.  Then I have to travel to the dermatologist two days later 100 mile round trip, ugh.  I hope no skin cancer this time as it's usually my back where I can't reach to dress it.

I'm glad your power came back! Did you ever find out what it was?

[Gwenivere]

Nope, power was probably an accident or they needed to upgrade something.   They usually tell us about that tho.  
 

I do not envy you and all you have coming up.  I don’t know how you do it, you always amaze me!   I just want to take a shower this evening and cringe at how hard it will be.  Hoping I can do it.  Maybe I do envy you a bit, you can actually do those things even tho they are a pain.  I could barely scrub the sink last night.  

Feeling anger today at Steve. That’s been coming up a lot with this escalating pain. He broke a promise.  He left and said he never would.  How easily we say that when we are young as death is so far away.  I promised the same thing but didn’t break it.  In the recent dream in dream I had, he promised it again.  But waking was the truth.  I’m not naive.  I know we all have to die.  Such promises are always made between lovers.  But it doesn’t mean death when we do.  It’s about breaking up.  Because we took that further in the deepest of love, now, to me, it feels he failed me.  I was there for his journey to the end.  He left me alone.  Facing this life of aging and need of him by myself.  It’s a good thing these feelings don’t have to make sense.  Grief isn’t tame able.  
 

as always, I don’t know what to do with the anger.  It’s not just him, it’s life and the world too.  My body that once took me places and made me feel wonderful things is now a vessel that makes being alive not a pleasant experience anymore.  It would get sick or hurt now and then, but not as a general state of being.  It used to laugh, run, savor food, sex, warmth, sleep.....the list goes on and on.  Again, I’m not naive, but I do know I’ve been slammed with so many conflicting things I just want to say uncle...you win.  Just end this.  Unfortunately that doesn’t mean just release my arm from from being tortured by a kid holding it painfully.  
 

I’m sick of the world changing in ways that actually make it more complicated.  Sorry, bad day as per usual.  Especially so since I have nothing I need to do.  I miss being needed and feeling I made a difference either to myself or someone.

[kayc]

EVERYTHING I do is with pain!  Everything!  People have no idea how horrid it is in your hands, and the loss of strength is making it harder to do what I need to.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sick of the world changing in ways that actually make it more complicated.

I spent ALL DAY yesterday on the phone with doctor's office, insurance and pharmacy!  ALL DAY!  At 7 I finally got to sit down and then had to return phone calls I'd ignored because I was on the phone already.  So frustrating!  What have I done!  My old doctor would have taken a msg through triage and sent a referral, no problem.  Not this one.  I have to make another XXXX appointment, this time a phone one for 4/13 (really, they're that busy???).  Of course that meant online forms to fill out answering a million questions about Covid, and I know another one will come closer to the date asking my temperature, really?!  (How the XXXX can they catch Covid over the phone!)  These people are insane with their red tape!  Almost makes me want to just drive the friggin 110 miles to my old doctor's and back!  What have I done, indeed!  I like this doctor but the crap they put you through is insane.  The insurance co. gave me incorrect information about covering the local pharmacy so I had to call them THREE separate times (which necessitates getting validated each time and holding for someone) to get the straight scoop!  I had to enroll in their mail order pharmacy, got that done and then I get an email from them telling me they're processing my order.  What??!!  I TOLD them I didn't WANT anything filled, I just had it done three weeks ago and three of them may get changed and one is discontinued!  So another call back to them!  They said they aren't filling it, I asked why they wrote and told me they are, on and on it went.  I told them it's screw-ups like this that made me switch companies!  I told them, "This is day one, not off to a good start!"

Is our whole world nuts?!  I was talking to a rep. from the Philippines yesterday about our countries and how nuts this one is.  The only thing we've got going over other countries is freedom of speech (your guess how long that'll last) so we have the right to complain about it!  And bearing arms, and who knows how long that'll last until even it is removed!

Okay, rant done.

 

[kayc]

And the saga continues, now they say the referral won't cover my 4/8 appt because it needs to be made out in the PA's name instead of the doctor over her as that is whom I am seeing.  I tried to tell the doctor to make it out in her name, even tried to give him my appt. card with all the info, but he knew everything and didn't write anything down.  I had to call them again to request it be redone, now I have to stay in touch w/dermatology to make sure they receive corrected referral!  Ugh...

Gwen, I hope you have a good day today...for myself, I pray for a weekend w/o these stupid phone calls and online forms!

[Kacy]

Kay, I can't imagine how frustrated you must be with all of the run around from your new dr's office.  It seems like no one knows how to do their job anymore, and it's up to the patient or client to do it for them.  I have a friend with a lot of medical issues and she's constantly having to go to one specialist or another.  She is forever having to straighten something out - either the wrong date for the appt, a test not being ordered, the test results not getting to the dr, etc.  She always brings copies of her bloodwork or other test results along with her to the followup visit because the dr who ordered the testing either didn't get them or can't find them.

I have to say that our experience with Medicare for my husband was totally opposite of yours.  Pretty much no issues with anything.  I know that different parts of the country have different plans available, but his was the traditional Medicare.  I don't know if that makes a difference or not.  We were very fortunate.  It was stressful enough dealing with his medical issues, let alone having to deal with approvals, billing, etc.

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, I hope you have a good day today...for myself, I pray for a weekend w/o these stupid phone calls and online forms!

It’s sill a workday, so I have calls and a telemedicine visit.  The weekend should be quiet as places are closed.  Thankfully no RX's to deal with as those a 7 days a week.  
 

im fighting with Sears today about money they owe me in an ongoing battle.  Another situation of one hand not knowing what the other is doing.  I was told it would be escalated yesterday and this morning the email had the same form email I’ve gotten twice that it’s been restored to my gift card.  I’m not going to go thru all the attempts to order something again until I get this settled.  Maybe it’s a plot so they can keep the money.  😡

[kayc]

I had more of the same yesterday, the new insurance company telling me opposite things, trying to get the referral to the dermatologist straightened out (third try was a charm!) all because people don't listen or follow through.  It's like they think they know everything so don't listen, nope, wrong!!!

I have a medicare advantage program so it's an HMO, requires referrals, preauth, etc.  Jumping through hoops and even more stringent than Healthnet was!  And I thought it was bad!  At least United Healthcare employees seem pleasant, many from the Philippines. 

Good luck with your battle with Sears, Gwen!  I hope you get it! 

Fed Ex drove off my driveway again, they never did anything about it the first time they did it a year ago, ruining my planter, I just don't understand how they can have a job like that if they can't drive, they keep tearing up my driveway!  Makes me want to put sawhorses across it!  Ahh, they'd just run over them. 

[Kieron]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

all because people don't listen or follow through.  It's like they think they know everything so don't listen,

I think you're on to something.  My work clients tell me they encounter the same thing when asking for help, resources or service from pretty much anyone in the service or government sector, and I have noticed it as well.  Anything that is long-term, or requires higher-ups, or insurance, they don't even try, or if they try, they can only do so much because there is no room for fudging or to just have a heart.  It's disheartening and makes me want to just avoid dealing with the world even more.

[Gwenivere]

No luck with Sears yet.  Same old run around.  
 

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

they don't even try, or if they try, they can only do so much because there is no room for fudging or to just have a heart.  It's disheartening and makes me want to just avoid dealing with the world even more.

What I find extremely frustrating is reps computers won’t give them access to everything.  I get out on hold (often dropped so have to start over with someone new) while they try and contact someone who has another puzzle piece.  It’s maddening!   I’m having trouble with my alarm system today that I don’t even use and have to call about a fault and how to clear it.  Problem will be it’s way old, I’m using a different company to monitor it now and if it requires turning it off totally, I can’t physically get to the battery backup.  I digressed there.  It’s going to be the phone calls that will drive me batty.  
 

You’re right, Kieron.  I’ve run into so many bored reps they almost put me to sleep.  I dread calling places.  I had one put me thru the mill of menus just to tell me they were still working on something.  That was good, but couldn’t they have just left that on my answering machine?   I get tired of spending my afternoon on my headset.  Sometimes I select the option for a call back rather than listening to the Muzak.  Still have to keep my phone nearby.  Ugh.

[Gwenivere]

I may have posted part of this elsewhere, I’m just so fed up with every day being a problem(s) to deal with.  Started 3 hours after I went to bed the fire alarm went off. No fire.  After silencing it and a phone call from an emergency contact, hard to sleep wondering if it would happen again.  So feeling the back pain most of the time. Legs aching too.  Buddy and wife came by to take Mel to have her nails clipped.  She fought every step getting into his car. While they were doing that I stayed here are went thru 2 tests of the alarm system.  Turned out complicated.  We then inspected the cars for rats and sprayed the repellent but the standing killed me.  Got my community center and they loaded me with too much food.  More bending and stuff to fit in in the fridge.  Usual crappy night and when ready to watch my Netflix series, the disc was damaged.  It’s the first in this new series so I’m stuck with nothing for days til it can be replaced.  Want to shower and do some minor chores today, but wonder what will create obstacles.  It’s becoming a daily occurrence.

****************************

well, it’s morning now and the pain has kicked in big time.  It’s a yucky, cloudy day and I got an email from a woman that doesn’t understand why I don’t just hire someone to set up a new TV and streaming.  I’m totally freaking out that I’m going to have to make the surgery decision.  Can’t do this day after day.  That’s a bit more pressing on my mind.  It’s become apparent something changed drastically and it’s not going to ease off.  It’s massive and will do nothing to ease the other 4 conditions that need attention that combined with it make life not a remotely positive experience anymore.  All my mind says is make it stop as easily as possible.  That’s dangerous thinking.

Steve couldn’t fix anything I’m physically suffering, but it sure would be great to have him take my mind off it more.  Know I had help if needed.  Definitely give me motive to fight more rather than say....why bother? 

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm sorry you went through all that and on Easter too!  My daughter came up and I had prepared a lot of Keto food, including desserts, she loved it.  We took Kodie to spend time with Jazzy while Melissa and I visited with Iris.  Also took her to meet my neighbors Ken & Maureen, they're great people.  That was it for the day, didn't sleep much last night, Kodie whimpering in the middle of the night again so had him sleep with me.  Wish I could have slept longer as I have a long drive to my son's today, not looking forward to the trip although it'll be good to see my grandkids.  Part of me is nervous because I hurt so bad, I'm not the young person I used to be, can't do everything I used to a year plus ago.  II hate the drive because it's hard to find, not sure I'll ever get the hang of this, the GPS quits in that area just when I need it's help the most!  And I don't like spending the night, I got used to the other place but am unfamiliar with this one.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, Kay.  So much to do.  Can you spare some people?  I’m lucky if I see one person every few days I know!   
 

Seriously tho, I hope your trip goes well.  You’ll have to give us a report when you get back.  🚗