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I like seeing my neighbors, kind of like you with shopping, I need to get out, this social isolation is hard when you live alone.  It's my kids I rarely see. Won't get time with my son as I was here to babysit while they're gone.

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Loved Eastwood's Gran Torino and Million Dollar Baby. Was absolutely in love with James Drury(The Virginian), who died earlier this year, Marg. Oh, and Eastwood has 8 children by various women. A bit

Thank you, dear Kay ~ but this site belongs to all of us, and it is our members (like yourself) who help to make it the very special place that it is. So congratulations to ALL of us! ❤️

I don't know if any of you saw it or not, but Marty received "best monitored award" for a grief site, that is a big deal!  https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333 CO

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Well, darn.  I called my dentist to check on why my insurance doesn’t cover him and found out he’s going to be retiring this year.  Been going to him for decades.  Best one ever.  
 

I haven’t had a single day start with any good news.  At least good to me mentally.  I already gave up on anything physical.  It’s another struggle in the shower day later.  I’m getting a nice refund from the IRS, but that’s not what my soul needs.  Yes, money is good, but it can’t buy happiness as they say.  
 

I’m so tired of change happening all around me so much lately.  It’s like living in a twister.  My body is also doing more whacky things.  I just want to scream, I’m so darned frustrated.  
 

I’m leery of my 2nd covid shot.  I already feel like crap.  I don’t even know if I’ll be able to walk next Tuesday.  Odds are I will, but the struggle is so intense.  I could get lucky and not feel sick after, but I look at everything that has gone south around me and if I could laugh about that, I would.  Living in apprehension is horrid when you already have an anxiety disorder.  Plus, even if I did get sick, I can’t just rest in bed like others for a couple days because that kills my back.  I’m seeing the mental toll this is taking as I’m feeling weird all the time.  I don’t even know how to express it.  Have counseling today and I don’t know how to explain my feelings.  I don’t have anyone that knows the me I am 24 hours a day now.  Have you ever tried to condense your daily life into an hour for someone?  I have a therapist that gives me brownie points for little things I do manage to get done because I have to or I find some energy to look into something like a new TV.  Makes me feel like a little kid getting approval.   It was so helpful when I had Steve here.  But this is my one shot hour a week to try and make sense of things or at least help handling it.  Plus a counselor isn’t a doctor to help there.  I have a specialist doc telemedicine visit Monday about my thyroid and it’s a royal pain setting up to get in.  
 

I can’t even enjoy food.  I wind up feeling sick after.  Another thing my doc wants me to have a procedure for that requires a driver because of anesthesia.  I could bug my buddy down south to give up a day or call social services for help.  Where the hell is my husband that did this?   He was always there to bring me home after such things.  Someone you love and trust and stayed with you.  
 

babbling.  Pitying myself.  All kinds of non productive thoughts.  My counselor will sigh and with care tell me I have to accept these things.  She is right, but I don’t know how when they keep coming.  Tomorrow is my 4th bout with the DW repair person.  Another afternoon waiting on someone who will probably have some reason it can’t be fixed.  
 

I tried looking at my budding bushes but it was hard to bend my neck back to look up at them.  Tried throwing the ball for Mel, but I couldn’t stand or sit outside in the cold long.  I’m typing this without pain, but as soon as I stand up I’ll be hobbled.  
 

I guess this is more than enough of me for the day.  At least you all are free of me!  I get to spend the rest of the day with her.

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Well, darn.  I called my dentist to check on why my insurance doesn’t cover him and found out he’s going to be retiring this year.  Been going to him for decades.  Best one ever.

Gwen:  Oh no !  I feel your distress about your dentist retiring.  I have already given the dental hygienist in my dentist's office  when they moved 45 minutes away from my home instead of a brief 7 minute drive, I would follow them......which includes the dentist of course.   BUT, you can not retire until I leave this earth.

After moving to Oregon years ago, my daughter has been unable to find a dentist she trusts in her smallish town, so she makes appointments with our family dentist to coincide with her visits with me.  Dee

 

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From what I heard, my dentist's dentist will probably get a lot of us.  My hygienist already works there one day a week.  I hope her hours will work with my schedule.  They are also just 3 blocks away like my guy.  Looked at their website snd saw they have nitrous which is a must for me.  I can understand your daughter sticking with your dentist.  Really good ones are tough to find.  Just like doctors.  It has been a real adjustment to mine after having one for 30 years.  And the new one is cutting his hours to spend more time with his family.  I don’t blame him for that, just miss when it was less business and more medical.  Practices have so changed how we can relate to our provider.  Strict time limits to keep the machine going.  It’s tough now that I’m older and really have more serious problems.  

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I pay to go to my own dentist, not covered by my ins.  I've been with this family practice ALL MY LIFE!  Three generations of them.  Oscar Smith was a children's dentist, then I had to find another one and got some bad ones, one after another, caused me to lose teeth, they kept canceling or botching things.  Then I heard Oscar's son took over the practice for all ages so I went to him, was with him all my adult life until he retired a few years ago, then his daughter & son took over, I go to the daughter as the son botched things up, high bill and lost my tooth.  But the daughter is good.  I even traveled 60 miles away to attend Steven's retirement party!  That's how much I care about him, he was great!  He screwed up one time but more than made up for it over the years.  It feels like going to visit family instead of going to the dentist.  The receptionist retired a couple of years ago, I even miss her.  I remember three locations they've had, Willamette St., then Mill St., now Country Club Rd, it has a beautiful view while you're being worked on, very soothing.  I've gone every six months and getting a root canal to me was like getting a massage in a place that never gets touched.  Only I hate are the shots & drill sound. ;)

Gwen I hope you find someone good, maybe you can ask your ins. for a referral if no one takes over his practice?  I tried one cleaning through my ins. when I was out of work, it lasted ten minutes!  My dental office takes 1 - 1 1/2 hours!  I could have brushed and flossed as well at home!  Not worth it and I worried they wouldn't catch a problem if there was one, so back to my own dental office and just pay out of pocket, it's worth it to me.  Sure has gone up over the years though!

I hear you on the doctor, had mine 32 years!  Then the next 11 1/2 years.  Starting over is hard.  I like the new one but the way the office is run is bureaucratic!   Way too many forms and redundancy!  My sister had to fill out paperwork to enroll there, good thing I brought them to her, a friend dropped it off there.  I hope it's not too late to get accepted as the entire town is trying to get in there now that the other practice quit.  I tried to get her to do it sooner but she's a procrastinator.  She hasn't been to the doctor for about 1 1/2 years.  Last time she tried to renew her Rxs they wouldn't.  So now she'll be going through what I am even though she doesn't know if they accept her ins. yet or even her for that matter.  I hope she can as guess who will be driving her.

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Found this on HuffPost this morning about collective trauma.  Made me feel a bit better about feeling I am going crazy.  I know I am, but at least I’m not at all alone.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/collective-trauma-meaning_l_606cc3cfc5b6c70eccaa99cd
 

The above article talks about not wanting to be around people when we need them the most.  Living like threats to each other.

I really am apprehensive about the 2nd shot next week.  If it didn’t matter to others, I’d skip it as I don’t want to gamble about the side effects.  I feel like crap enough.  I  don’t really care that much about me right now,  but I don’t want to be a possible source of hurting others.  Then in 2 weeks I have no one waiting I can connect with physically again.  The reunions of couples they highlight on the news just brings me to tears.  For myself.  The best it will get me is I don’t have to wear a mask around the couple people I rarely see I am close to.

this is driving home just how lonely my life is.  I’m really starting to limit listening to anything covid related.  It’s adds to the stress which the article states.  Saw Melissa McCarthy on Kimmel last night.  She’s in Australia which has no covid.  They got one case recently and collectively locked down and knocked it out.  They have no restrictions as none are needed.  New Zealand did this too.

my housekeeper is here and said at least we’d be able to hug as we did soon.  I really want to touch someone.  If only Steve could have been here.  I’d at least not be so starving.  Haven’t touched anyone in over a year.  


just spent time on the phone testing a new video hookup to see a specialist Monday virtually.  I think we’re all going to have to relearn how to be 3D social when this ends.  I almost put if, but trying to be positive. think that was my quotient for the day.  


 

 

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I think we’re all going to have to relearn how to be 3D social when this ends.

Yes, Gwen I agree with you.  I have avoided the zoom thing as long as I can.  Seems it is being pushed more and more.  I'm too old and stubborn to want to learn anything different anymore.  Good for you, you are keeping up with the new world.  I envy your drive.  You deserve a pat on the back, you should be proud of yourself for not giving up.  Hugs, Dee

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Dee, I’m doing zoom because it saves me from a lot of medical appointment walking.  I do miss having to use that instead of being face to real face with people.  It’s really easy.  It sounds like it would be hard, but it’s not.  They do get old tho.  It just doesn’t feel real especially when it ends and you’re staring at a blank screen.  If you had told me  a year ago I’d be doing them, I wouldn’t have believed it.  Thanks for the kudos, tho.  
 

I had to learn a different platform for a doctor appointment Monday.  Had to have a tech talk me thru it and we connected at his house where he is working.  Weird having him on my iPad and on my headset.  Just hope I do it right at the time.  
 

if you have a computer with a camera and audio, we could zoom each other!  😁
 

if only I could get my 2nd vaccine thru the computer.  💉🩺🩹

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I haven't seen my video cam for a long time, not sure what happened to it.  I can't do zoom because not enough data in my plan anyway.  Tired of everything changing.

I spent the day cooking, made bratwurst, cauli-rice, huge pot of chicken/veggie soup to share with neighbor (he had surgery, Jazzy's folks), Orange Dream Whip (didn't set up so drank it and made another one), large batch of yogurt, sausage/cabbage/egg dish, so I'm set for a while.  Between that, getting wood in, and taking Kodie on his play date and walks, that was my whole day!

The doctor canceled my telephone visit, I got a chuckle out of that....they wanted it for referrals so they could bill for it, but the other clinic in town closed and they're getting hammered with new patients, so suddenly they didn't think it important to do anymore!  :D  Called them about my sister to make sure they'll accept her application as a new patient.  She never follows up on anything but this is important, she hasn't been to a doctor for about 1 1/2 years and is out of refills!

 

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10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee, I’m doing zoom because it saves me from a lot of medical appointment walking.

Gwen:  My current primary care doctor was doing zoom appointments, I believe, when the shutdown was in effect.  I haven't made any appointments since covid.  I know there is going to be a day when she is going to have me come in for blood work in order to renew my thyroid medication.  Thankfully she is only a few minutes from my present home and in a small clinic without elevators and huge parking lot.  All this will change when I get myself moved. 

Yes, still working on getting myself moved to my son's property.  I do spend most weekends there gradually settling in.  I have to shame myself for being such a hoarder of clothing.  Since I hate to shop I guess I thought I would eventually fit into those smaller sizes.  Now, I'm having to haul them away to St. Vincent's.   Was hoping the weather was going to cooperate more and had hoped to have more help from my kids.  My son's trucking job does not allow days off.  He put in for the day off for his birthday, which is allowed, but his manager conveniently lost the request.  I guess it has been a blessing he hasn't lost any work because of covid, but it has been awfully tough on him and my moving plans.  Looks like the weather is finally turning nicer and what is so amazing is how it usually rains every weekend when he is off.  🙄

My daughter came up from Oregon a few weeks back and helped some, but with her pain and other issues, she is only able to help for a couple of days.  Oh well.  It will all work out as it should be.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

 she hasn't been to a doctor for about 1 1/2 years and is out of refills!

 kayc:   Your sister sounds like me.  Like I wrote above, I am dreading being called in for blood work in order to get medication refilled.  Once I go in I am afraid my doctor will have me go for other appointments and it really can be a hassle for me getting to some of the appointments, so I just ignore the knee pain and continue on the best I can with over the counter pills.  So far, no emergencies like Joyce is facing, or what Gwen has to endure daily.  And, kayc, you are a blessing to your sister.  Dee   

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Peggy scares me, the things she's saying.  She doesn't take responsibility for her life at all, stopped cleaning, cooking, months ago, doesn't make doctor's appts or anything she needs to do.  I finally got her to apply to my clinic as hers has closed completely and she wouldn't call them for followup to make sure they accept her or her insurance so I did, luckily they did!  Thank God I got her the application before everyone else in town applied, we beat the others in the nick of time!  Now to get her in and refills called in soon!  I take meals to her now and then but try to encourage her to do for herself where she can, she sits all day and has gained a lot of weight, I'd say at least 50 lbs. in the last few months.  I'm scared for her.

I had a melanoma removed from my little toe Thursday, last night she told me I should sew potato skins on it.  She's serious.  She went on and on about wishing she had potato's skin instead of her own.  For an hour and 20 minutes.  Dementia is escalated.  All hope of common sense is gone.

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Dee, I wish you well with your endeavors and am glad your daughter comes when she can!

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Dee, I’m amazed many of you have avoided bloodwork for so long.  I’m at every 2 months even with virtual visits.  Something I did easily years ago but a big endeavor now.  Just getting this rickety body in there.  The draw itself isn’t biggie. I’m glad you haven’t had any emergencies.   It’s hard enough doing maintenance.  I hate that maintenance is necessary.  Miss those just get up and get on with things with no pills, discomfort, special socks, achy hands, etc.

I was going to say I don’t know how you do it, Kay, but I know we do some amazing things under pressure.  I think about a lot of stuff I’ve done and were it voluntarily, there would have been so much I’d let go if possible.  Can’t do that when it affects the survival and immediate care needed for someone we love.  
 


 

 

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee, I’m amazed many of you have avoided bloodwork for so long.  I’m at every 2 months even with virtual visits.

Gwen:  I'm sure the reason I haven't been called in for blood work is because I haven't had to change medications, plus the covid issue has surely caused oversights.  My thyroid medication has remained the same for years.  My blood pressure medications have also remained the same.  Except, when my primary care doctor that I had seen for almost 20 years retired and I started with the new doctor........ she did drop one of my meds; a water pill medication and she wondered why my previous gp even prescribed.  I couldn't provide any answer other than I thought it was to help with bp issue.  Thought that was a funny comment from the new, younger doctor.  Miss my previous doctor.  She didn't decline a request from me for low dosage xanax after Bob  passed and I was having sleep issues.  New doctor won't renew.  She believes it and most over the counter pain pills, advil, aleve, etc.,  create dementia issues. 

The dementia issues have already set in, I'm afraid.  When I left my house to come to my son's today, I couldn't remember if I'd closed garage door.  So looped around the block to check.  I had closed it, but could not recall doing it.   And, when I got to my son's property, I noticed I had left on the bathroom light from last weekend.  LOL

No, don't want any medical emergencies.......and am sorry when I read about others going through grief as well as medical problems.  Dee

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Ugh, Dee.  I have run into nothing but problems with my new doc.  Mostly regarding medications and trying to fix things that I didn’t have problems with.  Most all the new stuff I’ve been given have messed me up.  Can’t get Xanax or pain pills at all from mine as he also has so many reasons he’s been told across the board how horrible they are.  My old docs took a unique approach.  They viewed each patient as an individual and provided what worked.  My shrink gives me my anxiety meds.  My doc knows that.  He knows I take them, but just won’t prescribe them.   He will give me antidepressants that are more dangerous.  Makes no sense to me.

if forgetting if I did or didn’t do something is dementia, I’ve had it the last almost 2 years.  Really kicked in with a new thyroid med, pain, losing Ally, the pandemic and increased grief.  I don’t know how many times I’ve rechecked things I habitually do. How many times I’ve forgotten as well.  The worst is putting things I swear I won’t forget where they are and do.  Or looked straight at something I’m looking for and not seen it.  Had my keys in my hand while I looked for them.  I’ve taken to putting sticky notes a couple of places to remind me what’s in a cabinet if it’s not a usual place I would think of later even if I make a mental note of it.  I don’t trust those now.  It’s like a question I heard once.  How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?  

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I'm concerned my new doctor won't be able to keep up with this town's needs now that the other clinic in town closed.  Sigh.  But I remember when I worked for a doctor here and our vicinity was double the size it is now, we had two doctors, a PA, a FT lab technician, FT nurse and PT nurses, as well as Bkpr/Office Mgr (me) and a receptionist.  We kept up just fine.  But those were the days when we worked late, whenever need, at no extra pay, they did surgeries, handled emergencies, delivered babies!  When someone broke a bone, they x-rayed it, cast it, gave them their therapy, no going to six different places!  Times have indeed changed.  Back then we billed manually and I had to take people to court to pay their bill if needed.  We had to memorize the medical codes, no help from computer programs and such!

Yesterday the pastor's wife interrupted my conversation with friends, to sit down and tell me I need to move to my son's!  I was quite taken back!  I don't feel it's my job to justify my decisions, they are mine alone and I have many reasons for why I do what I do...none of her business!  It was humiliating though, as if I'm a half-wit who can't think of my options on my own?  I talked to my sister Peggy about it as she has a "friend" who pulls this stuff, and also my friend Laurel.  Both of the advised me to consider that she means well, and forgive her...but if she does something like this again, I may get very abrupt with her and tell her it is NOT her business to suggest!  If I want advice, I'll ask for it (but not likely with her).  The first words out of Peggy's mouth, though, before she considered it, was to say "NONE of your business!"  I laughed at that because I know Peggy would never say that to anyone (but obviously can think it!).  It bothered me all day, but I'm having to let it go.  Still, it was very embarrassing in front of everyone else.  FYI, I have my bases covered.  My new neighbor is here to stay and will plow my driveway any time I get any significant snow, which he only needed to do once this winter, the other time I had 3/4 of it done before he was up.  ;)

Regardless, I want to have my place paid off before I consider moving, IF I do, and I have 7-11 years left to pay, depending on if I continue regular payments or cash my IRA in and pay it off.  I cannot afford two places at the same time.  AND this is Kodie's home, he has a fenced yard here, a regular play date!  I love my neighbors and this is a great supportive community.  AND it's beautiful, I love the nature & wildlife.  I am NOT a city girl!  

My DIL treats me horribly, not in front of my son, it'd be too close quarters under the circumstances, I hate driving there, in the boondocks, and devastation right now, nearby cities all run together, all which are foreign to me, it'd be starting everything all over again, unfamiliar territory, no friends, no.  My son works all the time.  Leave this for last option when I can no longer drive...for now, I intend to continue my independence, pain and all, no strength or not.  I've made it 44 years here!

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

if forgetting if I did or didn’t do something is dementia, I’ve had it the last almost 2 years.

No, trust me, you do NOT have dementia!  I have a family it runs in, you do not exhibit it.  Forgetfulness is normal as we age and all the more so under stress!

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

Leave this for last option when I can no longer drive...for now, I intend to continue my independence, pain and all, no strength or not.  I've made it 44 years here!

kayc:  I would hope your minister's wife was thinking she was looking out for you, but I do understand your thinking she was interfering.  I have never really enjoyed others thinking they know what is best for me, no matter what it is.  Our independence is so important and we know what we can handle.  The driving for me is coming more of an issue due to my vision problems and....... not too mention how awful traffic can be in my city.  I think you are doing amazingly well and envy your energy.

IMO being planted where we are happiest is on top of the list. Dee  

 

 

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5 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I have never really enjoyed others thinking they know what is best for me, no matter what it is. 

And who.  Some people just can’t control themselves.  I have a couple people that repeatedly do it when I have repeatedly asked them not to.  I don’t consider myself an expert on everything, but if I want advice or suggestions, I’ll ask.  I may have a situation that is the same, but my personality and emotions may require a different  approach.  It’s a matter of respect.  I don’t offer unsolicited advice for that very reason.  Often I’ll be as befuddled as they are.  There’s always the grief thing too.  Maybe they think I need a stand in fir Steve.  But they can’t be that.  Only physically for things I need help with.  Decisions, no.  But I ca  listen to vents snd frustration.

 

5 hours ago, widow'15 said:

IMO being planted where we are happiest is on top of the list.

  
That’s a toughie.  I am 'happiest' in our home, tho it contains so much to trigger sadness.  But when I’ve been in others homes, I long for mine.  There are times I remember the good times without feeling as gutted.  One of the recent things I changed was taking up a towel on the kitchen floor where Ally used to always drool.  Looks better, but I miss it.  I miss the need for it.


 

 

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3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

One of the recent things I changed was taking up a towel on the kitchen floor where Ally used to always drool.  Looks better, but I miss it.  I miss the need for it.

Gwen:  Oh I so feel your pain where your loss of Ally is felt.  I have definitely noticed how less messy my carpet is since my Maddie is gone.  One of her sleeping places was up against my dark colored sofa near the hallway to the front door.  The back of the dark sofa would always be coated with white dog fur and the carpet would be covered with fir needles she'd bring inside with her fluffy coat.  Would give anything to have that mess again.  So miss the need to be needed by a sweet, funny, lovable creature.  Hugs, Dee  

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12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Looks better, but I miss it.  I miss the need for it.

:(:wub:  I hear you.  Today I was looking to give Jazzy the toys that Kodie never plays with as they're too big/strong for him...they were my sweet Arlie's.  Not sure I'm ready.

18 hours ago, widow'15 said:

IMO being planted where we are happiest is on top of the list.

I agree.  I just felt it was so far over-reaching!  I wish people would think about the effect of their words before speaking them.  I mean, she's just three years younger than me, how would she like it if her husband died and everyone suddenly felt they had a right to tell her what to do and muddle in HER business!  Not well appreciated, I can assure you.  Next time I will say, "None of your business" or "Not open for discussion."  You have to be blunt with bulldozers.

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Here is my gripe for the day, for always really. It happens way too frequently. A mother dropped off two of her children at school, came home, put the car in the garage and went in the house. Four plus hours later, another child at home asked "WHERE'S THE BABY"? She had left her four month old in the car. How can you forget a baby for over four hours. It was probably 125 inside the vehicle. The baby is in critical condition. Someone will invariably leave their kids in the car at the mall or the grocery store while they shop for " a few minutes". Yesterday it was a caregiver who left a mentally handicapped, non verbal, autistic adult. Fortunately a good Samaritan called the police. The adult in the car with the four year old mentality could not understand directions to unlock the door, so windows were broken out and person rescued. This happens so often here. In the summer, it's around 200 inside a closed vehicle.

What are these people using for brains? Just makes me angry!!

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I had the weirdest experience earn I got home yesterday.  I had been out hours getting my vaccine, gas, shopping and when I drug myself inside the kitchen, I distinctly heard Steve say....hi, babe.  Sounded like he was in the hall.  I about dropped my bag.  Melody was in the living room making her usual happy sounds, but her 'voice' isn’t close to his depth.  This was dead on him!   I teared up, I was in so much physical pain, frustrated and tired that it gutted me after all these years of not hearing that.  It put me back in time when that was a daily thing.  How I have adapted to his void as a protection.  Later I thought about the birthday cake flavored Hershey’s Kisses I found at the Dollar Store I would have been excited to try with him.   
 

Instead, I’m getting a sore arm and waiting to see if the shot is going to make me sick.  I want my man back.  😩😢

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Are you sure it wasn't a visitation?  It's like when I felt George's hand on my back.  No one can convince me it wasn't real, I'd know his touch anywhere.

Some things we can't explain.  Neither can all the people loaded with brains.  These are the mysteries in life and what keeps me going...on faith and hope.

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