My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

It’s portable, Karen.  But even that is a drag.  Have to recharge it so often or change the tank I use driving to not run the other down for going in places like doc appointments. I don’t take my purse anymore, just grab my cards for whatever store, lists and coupons in my pockets.  (Don’t you hate when you inevitably leave one in the car because you didn’t know something would be on sale?)  I did get my shower but it was the longest ever as I was feeling spacey and just wanted to sit in there feeling the hot water run over me.  The oxygen thing is bugging me more than the pain at the moment.  

If the neurosurgeon wants another MRI, that will be a problem.  That means really making a decision for the act of doing it and what it would cost my insurance.  I don’t like to saddle them with tests I’m not committed to.  I have to keep reminding myself I’m only a month out of rehab and a long way from recovered.  

Theres also the anxiety factor that figures into everything.  I always knew that having Steve kept me more grounded.  I used to marvel I never had attacks during his cancer, but I see it was because I was focused and had a very serious job.  Now I’m just being tossed about in the wind without anything or one to grab onto.  I’m sure many of you feel that way.  I did before I got the disorder so it didn’t control my life.  Well, just more self pity which is a side of me I never knew either.  I hate it.  It’s so hard when you don’t have one single person in the world that can hug, poke, talk thru things or make you smile for real.  As I’ve said before, *I* don’t even like being around me!  

[kayc]

I second Karen's post.  

Oregon is far behind WA is being prepared for the Coronavirus.  Just heard on the news they are limited on the amount they can test but they're working on getting commercial testing, should have started on that a month ago!

[KarenK]

Just wonder how reliable the tests are. A week ago, it was reported that the CDC  had sent defective test kits here to Maricopa  county. Never heard any more about it.

[Gwenivere]

This virus is wreaking havoc.  Got emails today from my housekeepers and a guy that usually comes by every couple weeks to chat and do tasks I need help with.  Housekeepers are requesting 48 hours notice which is not unreasonable, and being honest if someone is at all sick for the sake of thier employees.  Guy got sent home to telecommute which doubles his coming over thru downtown Seattle which is always a mess.  So another 2 weeks wait, tho he offered coming by on a Saturday.  

So many places closing here.  Some with no infection to sanitize them but then reopen. Don’t get the logic of that as people will have been out about who knows where when they come back.  So many small businesses are going to suffer from this.  Seattle was declared the epicenter. CDC telling everyone to stock up on necessities for 2 weeks.  

Ive never seen anything like it.  Barren shelves in the cleaning aisles.  Even paper towels and TP.  

[Margm]

What alarms me is when they try to blame it on politics.  I can blame a lot of things, but I don't think politics  are behind this.  Does anyone remember (no, none of us listened to it, it was 1938, for goodness sake), but he, (Orson Wells), did a radio show that sounded like an announcement that we had been invaded by aliens, (I think). It was called "War of the Worlds" and was broadcast as a radio show.  Really, when a panic is started,  it is hard to calm it down.  

I do not know about this coronavirus scare, but I do know there used to be sickness that spread everywhere.  My granddaddy lived the life of a hobo (he was only just starting his teens when his mom died from accidental gunshot).  He rode the rails as a hobo.  When he got to Shreveport they would not let him off the boxcar because of the yellow fever epidemic.  Many are buried in an old cemetery off one of the main roads (highway 80, I think), and one of our historians said if a grave were to be opened, the yellow fever would still live.  

In the west, we visited a graveyard in an old west town way up in the mountains.  I could not believe how many had a death year of 1919,, the year my dad was born.  While this coronavirus is hitting the young sickly children and us old sickly adults (don't worry, I'm just to damn mean), the 1918-1919 epidemic killed about 50 million people and hit the young adults the hardest. 

I love history, but my medical and my religious ideas kind of fight each other if I  think too deep.  Supposedly keeping your hands clean, and mine look like an Egyptian mummy's untaped hands already.   I have every lotion to correct things (they lie), 

Stay inside as much as possible.  I did find out that hypochondria is a mental illness that is the hardest to treat.  The problem is, doctors don't take you serious.  And, you have to think of that person who had written on the tombstone "See, I told you I was sick."

I do have some congestion that is new, oh well, at my age it could be allergy with spring heavy on us in the south, congestive heart failure, or just anything.  No fever.  I don't hear the footsteps behind me today, they are off visiting nice people.  No fear today.  Unusual.  

[KarenK]

My grandmother and her youngest son(age 3) died in the 1918 epidemic. She had been caring for her family and neighbors. Of course back then, there was no medicine. Even today all our modern medical can't do much against a virus.

I'm fortunate that my son can get groceries for us and do whatever errands are necessary. I don't have to leave the house, although I'm not afraid to do so.

[scba]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

What alarms me is when they try to blame it on politics.  I can blame a lot of things, but I don't think politics  are behind this.  

I'm a Political Scientist. I put a "Like" to this Marg. LOL

[Gwenivere]

The only way I see politics involved, and this is using the term loosely, is by having the CDC out in such force.  That in itself panics people.  At least they are trying to get help for testing and care for those infected that might not otherwise.  At my doctors today they wanted me to wear a mask because I said I was short of breath from the recovery of the pneumonia.  I said no plus I had oxygen on I needed.  Sheesh.  No cough, sneezing or fever.  

[kayc]

22 hours ago, KarenK said:

Just wonder how reliable the tests are. A week ago, it was reported that the CDC  had sent defective test kits here to Maricopa  county. Never heard any more about it.

Here they're saying they'll do 1-4 tests to confirm positive outcome.  Leaves you wondering about the negative ones.

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

I can blame a lot of things, but I don't think politics  are behind this.

No, some politicians might try to use this in their favor but honestly, this is NOT politically driven!  But then politicians will often try to use anything to their benefit, the worst of human nature coming out I guess.  I honestly wished they'd banned anyone coming/going from the US for a while, I know their looking at contact with China but last I heard it was in 89 countries!  Kind of warranted drastic action.  I guess it's hard to foresee what you haven't seen before.

Gwen, from what I'm hearing on the news, they're saying the face masks don't help that much, because of all of the contamination to our hands they recommend washing, washing, washing them (w/alcohol, 20 seconds) and not touching our face/eyes/mouth.  Easier said than done if you've tried it!

[Gwenivere]

I know the paper masks do nothing.  Even the CDC said don’t bother unless you get some super duper model I think they use for stuff like asbestos.  I didn’t hear anything about washing your hands with alcohol, but to use sanitizer if you can find it.  I trained myself a long time ago not to touch my face when out in public.  Carry lots of Kleenex for a runny nose from using oxygen but I use it and often have to shove it in my pocket til I can find a trash can so I touch it again.  My mail has been touched, change at the store, things you buy were stocked and then touched by the checker.  It’s really impossible to stay sterile.  We just have to do the best we can.

[scba]

Check reliable sources for information, such as the World Health organization.

Useful links with q&a

https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public

https://www.who.int/news-room/q-a-detail/q-a-coronaviruses

Use Kleenex. Wash your hands when you enter and leave your home, restaurant, bars etc. Carry on your bag, on your car gel-alcohol type. 

[scba]

In those links you can find too info about use of masks

[Gwenivere]

Daylight savings is already driving me nuts.  I should have logically put off tasks for the evening losing time, but I’m so dependent on my rituals.  I set my clocks ahead about 6pm so I won’t lose any sleep tonight.  Very painful day but I forced myself to the grocery store so I can try and take it easy Sunday before the neurosurgeon appointment Monday.  I’ll give today a star for being an hour less of missing Steve and having to endure it.  

Ana, read your links.  Same stuff they are endlessly repeating on TV.  I've tuned in Jurassic Park just to escape all the stuff.  Watching El Camino which follows Breaking Bad finale.  Anything to Times I can sleep.  Who had the bright idea to invent alarms?    tho without them I might never get up.  Not so bad for me, but the dogs handle stress better.  

 

[kayc]

Me too, Gwen, how do you adjust dogs to their schedule for sleeping, etc?  So annoying.  It didn't help that I woke up at 2 am and didn't get back to sleep.  And I have a long drive today (grandson's birthday).  Wouldn't you know they changed the forecast from sunny/cloudy to snow!  Shouldn't amount to much so I'm going to go for it, hoping their forecast is right about temperature and amounts of precip.  Dogs DO handle stress better!  We could take lessons from them, unfortunately, we know things they don't.  They are an example of living in the present and taking things as they come.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I didn’t hear anything about washing your hands with alcohol, but to use sanitizer if you can find it.

That's just it, sanitizer is getting scarce to find.  If you can't find it, use rubbing alcohol, beats nothing and kills the germs.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know if it’s really training my dogs on schedule changes as those happen usually without notice.  They tend to sleep when nothing is going on.  They know it is useless to bug me in bed unless I talk to them.  When Melody was a pup she would bounnd into bed and I would ignore her so she gave up.  I guess it’s all a matter of staying alpha.  Very important raising Kodie.  This is the formative time.  Does he sleep with you?  I kept Mel in the kitchen for a couple months.  When I stopped the barrier, it took her days to realize she was free.  I could have done it sooner as she never pee'd in there.  Her mistakes were in other rooms,  the typical gotta catch them and take them outside right away to associate it.  I don’t think they get the sleeping thing as habit til they get older.  Pups are so dazzled by the world.

[Gwenivere]

How did everyone do with daylight savings?  I set my clocks ahead about 6pm to have a regular night.  Pretty much got them all but one digital didn’t automatically change over at 2am.  Lost some sleep fixing that as each time I manually did it went back to normal time.  I need it for alarms so had to find a way and did.  I guess it’s nice having the extra light, but being a night owl now and old, I’m in for the day to take advantage of it by 6 or so.  No more dog parks or date nights.  No runs to Burger King or Taco Bell.  Pick that up on the way home and nuke it later.  Usually I feel the difference but not yet.  It’s going back I really notice.  I’m hoping Washington will vote to stop using it.  I know they are planning a vote.  Would be so nice not to have to go thru this every year.  

[widow'15]

Gwen:  Oh, I do hope Washington votes to abolish daylight savings.   Can't tell yet if the old body is tired because it's old or didn't get enough sleep.  I had a restless night until I got up and took a pain pill - ended up sleeping much too late this morning.  Of course, Maddie needed to go out her usual time.  Hope she sets her clock tonight.  Dee

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Does he sleep with you?

No I kennel him at night, he's fine with it, has never peeped at night.  For a puppy, he's really the best!

I'm very thankful for the extra daylight, was able to make my grandson's birthday party yesterday and got home an hour before dark so I could build a fire and walk Kodie.  Love the daylight!  Wish we had it year-around.

 

[Gwenivere]

Getting ready to see spinal neurologist.  Shaking from fear won’t stop.  This could be life altering deciding on surgery.  I want the pain to stop,  but don’t want to do tests or have it.  Guess I am looking for magic.  I got a call from a mental health worker to spur me to go.  Have no idea what I will be like afterwards.  Already wondering how I will take a shower later.  Heck, how I will make the trek in there.  I’m foreseeing being a blubbering blob there.  I was told not to borrow trouble, but this will determine how I do or do not go forward.  My PCPhad me take more thyroid meds over the weekend which made me feel horrible.  Pulmonologist called for an appointment too.  Xanax is working like having eaten some M&M's.  If they want new MRI's, I don’t know how I would do that.  I want to curl up and disappear.  The only way this could be less overwhelming is with Steve.  Something/one to live for.  I can’t believe I didn’t overpay my dues in the last decade with his cancer and my aging body.  Not to this extent.  I’m hitting the nicotine lozenges harder to not light up,mouth they make me shaky.  This is truly hell.  I’m not even seeing the doc, it’s his assistant.

[widow'15]

Gwin:  Keeping you in my thoughts NOW.  Unfortunately, you have to do this, but you are not alone.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

Gwen, I'm thinking of you.  Do me one favor.  Make them cover you with a sheet, towel, gown or something.  I felt like a half a cow skinned before they chop it up.  None of them would have let their mother, sister, grandmother lay on that table completely naked with people coming in and out.  Just remember that.  Don't let them do that to you.  If you see they are going to do that, make them stop until they cover you.  I was just so scared I could not even talk.  That was bad enough to suffer PTSD the rest of my life.  I know it was a procedure to be done but damn, they could have at least covered my head where I would not have had to look.  I wish you the best and also easing of your pain.  Heart is with you.  

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Dee and Marg.  This was just a discussion about options, so no clothing removal was involved.  They do want me to have another MRI to compare to last year and that will be a no pants procedure but sheets.  The hospital I use has never let anyone lay naked.  Once I was in my room and didn’t have a 2nd gown to use as a robe and they immediately got me one as people could see my underwear.  Anyway, the visit was as I expected.  Surgery (how intense depending on the MRI) or worsening to the point of incapacitating pain.  I’m kicking myself that on the last ER visit since being home I didn’t stress the leg pain as I could have skipped today’s trip and Had the scan there and seen the doc directly.  So what does this mean I ask myself.  It means trying to make a decision with a very compromised mind.  I don’t have to make one right away, but I can’t ignore how hard things are getting.  The depression is a very big factor.  I believe they can reduce the pain, tho it would means weeks to months before I could take care of myself (changing dressings from 2 incisions possibly, help showering and dressing, no driving on my own, etc).  And for what?  Will I magically find a reason to live?  Have more incentive if I survive the recovery?  I’m living this one and it’s only pneumonia and barely hanging in there.  I don’t see anything changing because I am locked in this darkness.  As always, had this happened without the grief it would be something less dreadful.  Like others I know that have had or soon will have surgery, they have built in nurses with their partners like I was for Steve thru 2 major ones.  I’m just plain tired of doing everything alone.  Aren’t we all?  I did get my shower in, but it was tough.  Mind reeling from the reality now of my possible future.

[Margm]

Well, I think I still am suffering from PTSD for them not keeping my PTA isolated.  I certainly am more modest than I was at 20.  (Fluffier too)

 

[Gwenivere]

PTA?