My Sanity Needed Vents

[nashreed]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I had the weirdest experience earn I got home yesterday.  I had been out hours getting my vaccine, gas, shopping and when I drug myself inside the kitchen, I distinctly heard Steve say....hi, babe.  Sounded like he was in the hall.  I about dropped my bag.  Melody was in the living room making her usual happy sounds, but her 'voice' isn’t close to his depth.  This was dead on him!   I teared up, I was in so much physical pain, frustrated and tired that it gutted me after all these years of not hearing that.  It put me back in time when that was a daily thing.  How I have adapted to his void as a protection.  Later I thought about the birthday cake flavored Hershey’s Kisses I found at the Dollar Store I would have been excited to try with him.   
 

Instead, I’m getting a sore arm and waiting to see if the shot is going to make me sick.  I want my man back.  😩😢

I'm so happy for you Gwen! This is a good thing. I hope you now have a better understanding that Steve is watching over you. You might have finally (with all the physical and mental anguish of the day) let your "guard" down enough for him to be able to contact you. He was certainly on your mind, and that makes it easier, but I'm sure it's not an easy thing to get permission from Heaven to visit us (there's probably a lot of paperwork(, but you NEEDED to know that he is still with you. I've only had 3 "contacts" with Annette, and one was a vivid dream where she said about the same thing to me, "Hey Babe", and I felt her give me a tremendous hug. I would love to have a visit from her where I can hear her when I'm awake (I don't think it would scare me- startle me, maybe). 

I know it makes you sad and miss him more in the short term, but it should give you hope that he is still with you in spirit- you will be reunited again. The love between soul mates never dies. Talk to him- let him know how you feel. He will hear you. 

[KarenK]

Here's an update on my dishwasher repair. As we all know, nothing is ever simple. It took the repairman forever to find the correct breaker for the dishwasher power. Not his fault. Since my kitchen was remodeled some 30 years ago, the outlets on one wall work off 3 different breakers. He determined the thermostat had gone bad(a known problem with this model), so he ordered a new one. BUT(there's always a but), while removing the door panel, he broke off one of the screw holders for the panel. He wasn't concerned. I thought about it later and realized without the screw in place that water will get in the housing compartment of the computer board, wiring, and electronics. The screw holder is molded into the housing compartment. I think the compartment will need replaced. So I called this morning to request that part be ordered also. Not sure if all the electronics can be transferred to a new compartment. Will have to wait and see what happens.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Are you sure it wasn't a visitation?

I don’t know what those are but what I have seen in movies.  Never experienced that with anyone else I adored passing.  Once, talking to Steve’s mom after her death and telling her I’d take good care of him, something fell somewhere, but I didn’t take it as any kind of presence.  
 

4 hours ago, nashreed said:

I hope you now have a better understanding that Steve is watching over you.

No, I don’t.  I just feel, I don’t know how to explain it, odd (?) to have heard his voice after all these years that wasn’t a recording.  I could always hear him in my head, but never in almost an hallucinogenic way.  I wasn’t scared, just startled.  If this was some ‘connection', my feeling is what took you so dammed long?  
 

I know you want to convince me there will be more after this life and we will be reunited.  But that is not something I have any faith in at this time.  As I have always said, I am happy for those of you that believe that.  My love for him will not die while I’m alive.  His for me?  I don’t know now.  I know it was awesome when he was alive.  No doubts there.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Here's an update on my dishwasher repair.

I face mine on the 27th.   4th attempt.   Mine works, just can’t find the slow leak when it sits idle a long time which it does now that I am getting more meals from organizations which also supply cutlery.  Easier just washing my water glass with my wine glass at night.  But we want these things to work.  I don’t want to start accepting breakdowns, makes me feel older. Mine would eventually have water on the floor after months.  Anyway, we either both got so so repair people or dishwashers in protest mode.  
 

Hope you get yours solved.  I’m sick of wasted afternoons with their windows of arrival.  

[kayc]

I never experienced it with anyone else, Gwen, either, just George, but that stands to reason, he was my closest relationship.

Karen, wouldn't it be easier for them to replace the dishwasher?  If they can't fix it, maybe they should do that, and of course at no charge since they broke it!  They shouldn't make them to be so easily broken to begin with!  So aggravating, nothing seems as well made as they used to be.  My first refrigerator lasted 32 years, my next one 5 1/2!  Waiting for the other shoe to drop on my current one...I sure hope they fix it adequately and it's a good thing you're thinking clearly, they don't seem to be!

 

[Gwenivere]

I tried calling Sears today to talk to the agent who worked on my dishwasher last time.  I want to tell him the results of his experiment in hopes the part could be preordered so I don’t have to have another appointment.  Haven’t heard back after being told it would be within a couple hours.  I don’t get why they wouldn’t want to cut more appointments as they can’t charge me for them anymore.  
 

I agree Karen should get a new dishwasher since they damaged it.  That’s only good business.  Who would trust a repair that is damaged?  
 

I’ve never had so many problems with a repair.  This has been going on for months.
 

haven’t heard Steve again.  I made the incorrect choice of looking at the sticky notes he taped in his bathroom when I was in there that he dated, unfortunately not the year.  There must be dozens of them overlapping.  I miss them with the signature heart I always put at the bottom.  Some were just love stuff and others responses to events I don’t remember.  Always positive tho.  We kept the vow to never go to sleep if there was discord.  

[KarenK]

I never got the "within 24 hours" callback regarding the replacement part I requested. I didn't really expect to get a call. Usually it's just a tactic to placate the customer, same as the so called "escalation". I did however, get an email stating that the first part requested is on backorder.

I agree that a new dishwasher would be a whole lot simpler and maybe more cost effective. As the years progress with this maintainence agreement, it becomes more of a hassle to get a replacement product. Taking into account inflation, the replacement product must be equal to the original. I started with a $400 dishwasher 28 years ago. 16 years later it became an $800 dishwasher. It will probably be $1000 dishwasher today if they replace it. I'd just like to have a working dishwasher.

[kayc]

US Bank was supposed to call me back Re: the survey I took following HORRID lack of customer service (two hours on the phone getting yelled at, hung up on, transferred, calling back again and again to try to solve the problem, never being handled...the person doesn't get back to me.  I am serious, with "service" like that, I would not choose them again for anything!

With a dishwasher it's a problem as if/when they leak it can damage your structure.  Not to mention how inconvenient this all is for you guys!  They need to take care of it.  Can you call and demand to talk to a manager?!  You've probably already done that...time and again...

Better Business Bureau and Yelp are our own leverage...

 

Gwen, George used to leave sticky notes all over the house for me.  I loved his smiley faces, unlike anyone else's, it truly brought me a smile!  I have one taped in front of my computer, another in the bathroom, laundry room, kitchen...

[Gwenivere]

I see a few notes around the house from Steve I’ve never taken down.  One is by the dryer to not dry a specific T shirt.  There are things taped on the floor in the garage to not block for moving music equipment.  Notes he had to people he dealt with financially in his office.  No plans to ever take them down.  Found one sticky not on his car visor from the furry kids and me to take good care and we couldn’t wait til he got home. 
 

I want to run my dishwasher since it’s pretty empty to wash the dish drainer and sink liner and Mel’s dog bowl.  Should be OK.  Used to do them by hand from lack of space. Now that I’m going with paper plates and plastic cutlery this will be a treat.  The leak shouldn’t effect it.  You’re right Karen. They tell us things just to get rid of us.  Asking for a supervisor is as joke.

[Gwenivere]

Spent my Saturday in the ER.  Had stomach and abdominal pain.  Fortunately they didn’t find anything serious.  So, pain is still there, but no huge conditions where icy was where my fear was leading me.  It’s so hard being alone in stuff like this.  The parking lot was drop off only so had to be brought In and out by wheelchair from a farther one which I hate.  So depressing no one knew I was there.  Lousy way to spend a day.  Missed the community center dinner and the women I meet there weren’t coming anyway as they went to a street fair, so I couldn’t have gone for the walking issue.  Called my grief counselor just so one person would know where I was.  

Meant to post this last night.  Sleeping after all the physical moving yesterday I am really messed up today.   Can barely get around.  Hard to write 2 doctors today as follow up.  One of my least favorite things to do.  
 

Steve’s van isn’t starting remotely anymore.  Drat, I really relied on that to avoid climbing in there.  Coincidence, but I still feel that invisible target on my back.

[KarenK]

I wondered if you ended up in ER as I didn't see a post  from you last night. Were they able to help or give you something for the pain?

I am fighting my BP right now. I went a week without one medication waiting for a refill not realizing I needed a doctor appt. Wal-Mart evidently doesn't notify you of that anymore. Friday night watching TV, I started having double vision. Just thought my eyes were tired as I watch so much TV and read constantly. Never even crossed my mind it might be my BP, although I had a headache.  Saturday, I drove to Wal-Mart to get my meds and it was really scary. It got worse walking around in the store. Driving home, I was seeing double and triple, but I made it home. It finally sank in to check my BP. Systolic was almost 200 and it's pretty much stayed there since even with the meds. The double vision watching TV is gone at least. Hope it's gone for driving on Tues. to the doctor.

Just another day in Paradise.

[MartyT]

Oh Karen! The symptoms you describe are serious and scary! Are you sure you must wait until Tuesday to get checked out by your doctor? Are you sure he / she is aware of the symptoms you're having? I would encourage you to see someone immediately! Please don't minimize any of this ~ and for goodness sake, keep us posted! 

[KarenK]

Thank you for your concern and advice, Marty. I've been checking my BP every hour or so and it's been climbing. When it got to 226/96, I put in a call to my doctor. The on call told me to take my evening med and call him back in 45 min. So that's where I am right now. Sure don't need to have a stroke!

[Gwenivere]

No, they didn’t give me anything fir the pain.  I didn’t know what they could not seeing anything.  I’m still feeling awful and now added back strain. 
 

I’m really shocked your doctor hasn’t called in your BP med.  this isn’t anything to fool around with.  I’m assuming they are going to continue it by this reaction.   I cannot fathom the vision scare.  It’s obvious your body needs the med and not in a few days.  I hope you get it sooner.  I’d say it’s petty black snd white it’s necessary, now!

[KarenK]

The doctor should have ok'd the BP med even if the other script I requested required a visit. It was Wed. when I found out about the denial, Thurs. when I could call the doctor about it and Sat. when I picked up the med. By then I had missed a weeks worth. Didn't really think it would make this much difference, but apparently it does unless something else is going on. Have been on the phone several times with the on call. He called in an extra med to a nearby Walgreens that is open 24 hours as Wal-Mart pharmacy is closed. My son just picked it up and I took one. Have to check my BP and call doc in an hour. He said he's going to stay with me on this until the BP  goes down. It's still above 200. Just a little scary.

Kind of funny, but the on call is the new doc in the office that I saw once and didn't care for. He is being especially nice and attentive about this mess. Not sure if my doc would do the same.

[MartyT]

I am relieved to know that this doctor is keeping a watchful eye on you, Karen! Keep us posted! ❤️

[kayc]

OMG, I thought it looked quiet yesterday morning when I was here...but all this!  Gwen, sorry you had another trip to the ER!  So hard being alone.    And Karen, that is frightening!!  You need someone to drive you until it comes down.  So glad your doctor is keeping close watch on you, do keep us posted!

I discovered a very swollen gland in my neck last night (with itching so used hydrocortisone cream, helped itching but still swollen) so need to call the doctor when they're open.  No idea what's going on, not sure I'm ready for any more bad news...

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

No idea what's going on, not sure I'm ready for any more bad news...

That’s always my dilemma calling in.  What will be the next complication?  Really can’t walk well today, have to cal my endocrinologist about a med change as that’s the only thing done in the past few weeks and I’m angry she hasn’t responded to my emails.  This will shoot any chance of a semi calm afternoon.  Have to shower and then a virtual grief support group if I can sit for it as it’s an hour and a half.  I need to get to the grocery store but don’t want to push it too far.   I HATE that I can’t move around more freely in my choices.  May just settle for a drive in hopes I can walk tomorrow.  I never had to wonder if I could make it thru the supermarket.  
 

Good luck on your call.  Wish me some too!

I did write some posts while in the ER to tolerate it, but decided not to post them as they were pretty boring.  Guess I am usually rather chatty for morning check in. 🙂

 

[Gwenivere]

I had a dream last night about Ally.  I’m so torn up today.  We were going to a place she liked to swim and was ahead of me like usual.  When I got to where I would be further on the path it was all different.  I had no idea which way to go.  I saw dogs everywhere and was calling her name but she never came. Some people tried to help me but to no avail.  I would see dogs coming towards me that looked like her but weren’t when we got close.  I was frantic.  People stopped helping and I was wandering this weird once familiar place as it was getting dark.  I never found her.  My days are bad enough without this to start it.  I think I am really losing my mind.

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I am so sorry about the dream, I can see why you had it, it shows your feelings, missing her, wondering where she is, how to reach her, we go through that when we lose someone close to us, but damn it hurts to wake up with those feelings on our mind!  What a start to our day!

While waiting for the doctor's office to open so I could make an appt. the lymph node went down considerably in size, so I decided to hold off...I read about it and it could very well be from my body's trying to heal from this other issue I've been going through for four months.  It's also affected my blood sugar about 20-25 points.  I don't understand why I have to go through this when I'm literally doing everything I can for my health!  It is what it is, who can know the answers to why we go through what we do.  Iris said yesterday I should have really good BP with all the walking I do, but my BP has been really high for months now, and I'm doing everything I know to do to get it down, I'm on three Rxs for it that the doctor said he might want to change (I've been on them for years but they seem to be not as effective now) one of which raises blood sugar but I don't dare go off it while it's already too high!  I did more reading yesterday and discovered the Ibuprofen (I already dispensed with Tylenol) causes high blood pressure, so I didn't have any yesterday, which means my hands hurt all the more, but my BP actually went down appreciatively!  Enough that could mean the difference between stroke or not.  Still too high but maybe a change of Rxs would help, IDK.  Trying to spend MORE time walking and prayer/meditation.  

Gwen, I'm sorry your Endoc. isn't getting back to you, so maddening!  Not like you NEED more frustration in your life!  I hope you get results soon...

[Gwenivere]

She finally did get back to me, but not with any real plan of action.  She said....you felt bad on your higher dose of synthroid snd now you feel worse on the lower.  You can take more again if you want to.  ???  I see her virtually next Monday.  It’s like you and the ibuprofen and BP.  Which is the lesser evil?  You risk a stroke, I risk damage to many areas as the thyroid is the master gland.

It’s tough not being able to take ibuprofen.  I can’t either because it makes me dizzy and sick.  It’s a great anti inflammatory.  Tylenol only really works for trying to blunt pain signals to the brain, not helping the cause.  It’s like a garden hose against a house fire to me, but all I have.  Some Vicodin,  but my docs are really stingy with that.  Need some more but doubt I’ll get it when I see mine this week.  
 

Wrote my back doc and doubt I’ll get any help there for the now added muscle pain from being contorted in the ER.  So I’ve got my doc that does basically nothing, an endo who throws my confusion back at me, and a back doc that sees only surgery that won’t solve other issues that would complicate recovery.  Like edema that adds pain walking.  That’s back from the endo charge.  No one is rotting together.  Ad they wonder what I won’t commit to extreme procedures?  

[KarenK]

I made it to the doctor and home again with side trip to the pharmacy. Wasn't easy but I managed. My BP was 220/90 at the doctor's. He gave me a pill to lower it quickly and checked it every 10 minutes until it got down to 160/70. He changed one of my pills to a different med and added a third BP med.Wal-Mart had to order one med so will get that tomorrow. I have another doc appt. on Fri. Will try to take it easy for a couple of days.

[MartyT]

Whew! Thank you for the update, Karen. It's so good to know that you are under the watchful eye of your physician now, as we're all very concerned for you! ❤️

[Gwenivere]

I hope the changes work for you, Karen.  Fingers crossed!  

[kayc]

Wishing you well with the new Rxs!