My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

On 5/11/2021 at 10:45 AM, MartyT said:

 We Need to Stop Blaming The

I wholeheartedly agree, in fact we have said as much MANY times in our diabetic group!  They can't be expected to know other than what they're taught.  They are caught in this just as we are.  I just got through looking up all of my Rxs and OTC meds to see how they affect blood sugar and blood pressure, I can only say, is it any wonder I've struggled with both!  It's a horrid balancing act, how I can live with my allergies, diabetes, hypertension when everything is inter-related!  It seems naturopathy is on to something but ins. doesn't cover it!

[Margm]

Marty, in reading this, it brings to mind the many years of health insurance (always with our employer, state insurance) and never changing, letting them make the changes and not questioning, not questioning because we had the ability to buy our private insurance, but enough good sense to stay with "group health" over these many years, since 1959 for Billy, until now with the group retirement insurance.  We rode the same horse through many different gates and changes, still not even considering changing.  Then Medicare, which my PhD cousin thinks is the most wonderful thing but somehow, when the hospital/doctor/tests/labs charge so much and Medicare will only pay a certain amount, that is why we have to have that second, in our case, and half of "our" is gone, but no change, it pays what Medicare does not.  The doctor charges higher, his corporation (the doctor boss) knows to up the cost.  So, we pay for Medicare too, but it seems somewhat of a government "hand-out" knowing the doctor is going to over charge.  Corporations own our private physicians that paid so much to go to the big schools, that spent so much time learning how to help, only to be controlled by CEO's that do not have half their training, and would be completely lost, CEO/patient vs MD/patient.  I know that makes little sense, but all of this makes little sense.  And I remember first HMO Cigna, doctors running from this, but it did no good to run.

My brother-in-law was dying/did die in the VA Hospital on the morning he was scheduled for a colonoscopy by local physician.  In his mail, after he had died, we got information Medicare had paid on his colonoscopy that he never had.  I'm sure that happens a lot of times.  

I think about your dad,  my GP Dr. Gray, he even came to my house.  He was "family" enough that when he gave me the evil ether to remove my tonsils, he was family enough to slap by bare bottom to stop my fighting when I was 7-years-old.  We won't ever see "him" again.  So sad.  He could even treat my allergy better than the specialist.  

We miss a lot of people and life.  

[KarenK]

Eyes still dilated from ophthalmologist visit, so writing blind here.....Not good news. I have very bad cataracts on both eyes which is contributing to the side double vision. Straight ahead double vision is almost gone as long as BP is more normal. He gave me a script for distance glasses which may or may not help a little, but the bottom line is surgery to correct it. Because mine are severe, Medicare will pay. They don't do laser surgery. He said surgery could wait a few months if I decide to have it. Wondering if anyone here has experience with this?

[MartyT]

Karen, i've had cataract surgery on both eyes and (as one who's had many surgeries over the years) this was without a doubt the easiest I've ever experienced ~ and I am SO glad I did it! I don't even need to wear glasses anymore! I hope you will consider going ahead with this. The methods they use nowadays are far more advanced than they were 30 or 40 years ago. All done as an outpatient, one eye at a time. Virtually no down time at all. If you want more detail just let me know!

[Gwenivere]

I haven’t had that surgery, but those I know that have echoed what Marty says.  I think it’s just scary thinking of doing procedures on our eyes.  I remember when this  was a new thing decades ago and people were saying no way!  But it’s so successful now.  That Medicare will pay is a real plus.

 

[Gwenivere]

Well, I am now convinced I am insane.  Went grocery shopping and got what I needed and more.  I saw when I was in there Frosted Flakes were on sale for $1.50, the largest box.  I told myself you don’t need those, you have boxes of cereal at home.  So I sat in the car for a few minutes when that kind of buy usually gets forgotten.  But it didn’t.  I really really wanted that deal.  Went through all kinds of dialogue in my head of pros and cons.  About cereal!  If Steve were here it would have been an easy buy because of how fast food got used.  I even had to think where I’d put it with all the stuff I have.  So I trekked back in saying, if there isn’t a mini cart, I won’t get it.  A guy came out with one and my fate was sealed.  This sounds so ridiculous, but it shows me I’m not thinking as rational as I used to.  All this with severe pain.  Had to write a note to remind myself where I put it running out of room.  I’ve decided I need to make a list to take of what I DON'T need to buy now.  No matter what the sale.  I need to empty cabinets of food I’ll never make again because I don’t cook on the stove anymore.  Get it to food banks tho I think they throw out expired stuff.  I know it doesn’t matter with Hamburger Helper or stuffing mixes, but they will.  I have a hesitancy as some is stuff that were staples in our family meals together and we all know that more change just stirs up those feelings.  Maybe I’ll donate it.  I got the thrill of the buy, tho I do like them a lot.  Cereal. Crazy.  And I was still depressed even I got home.  Guess Tony can’t fill that void.  

[KarenK]

Thanks for easing my fears somewhat, Marty. I have only a C section and a hysterectomy in my surgery experience. Never any severe injuries or broken bones in my rowdy days. Was your surgery Lasik or regular cataract surgery?

Yeah Gwen, the idea of a knife coming at your eye is not a happy thought. This surgeon has actually sliced strange cysts on my eyes in the office twice before. First time was scary...Second was okay because I knew what to expect, so I trust him.

[KarenK]

You're not insane, just a thrifty shopper. I have been one all my life with sales and coupons. Ron was that way too, for the most part, but he always bought so much stuff. My big freezer was always full. I used to cringe when he would pay $11 for a small bottle of "real" maple syrup for candied yams though. Log Cabin was fine with me. We never got low on food. My son has been doing most of the shopping since Covid. He hates to go and will wait until we're down to bare bones before he'll go which drives me crazy. You probably have the "4u" savings at Safeway like I do at Albertsons. I follow that religiously and it kills me to miss a sale price because he wouldn't go to the store. When you think about it though, there's so many more important things we should worry about.  lol

[MartyT]

51 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Was your surgery Lasik or regular cataract surgery?

I had regular cataract surgery on both eyes, Karen. Eyes were done separately, about two weeks apart. Absolutely no problems with either eye. I understand completely the fear that goes along with having surgery on your eyes, and I felt that too, before I had the first one done. But my vision no longer could be corrected with prescription eyeglasses, so I felt that I had no choice. Once I knew what to expect, the second surgery was a breeze. Just make sure you have an ophthalmologist you trust, who is experienced and skilled in performing the procedure.

[kayc]

I had a large cyst on my eye for eight years and it wasn't tolerable, I felt it when I blinked or holding my eye open or trying to go to sleep, I couldn't get away from it, painful and steady annoyance!  Insurance wouldn't cover (before Medicare) so I had to pay for it myself, but it was so worthwhile to have it done!  The drops they put in my eye to numb it bothered me for a day but then I was fine, didn't feel the scalpel but it's a scary thing having a knife come at your eye!  DID NOT HURT THOUGH!  Healed fine.

[Margm]

Because of the radiation to her head, Kelli's cornea had something wrong, they put stitches, they dissolved.  I am such a coward and as much as I like to read, I know I have to have it done.  I'm very afraid.  So tired of all kinds of surgery.  So tired and frightened.  

[Gwenivere]

This is precisely why I am terrified of back surgery.  It’s still an unknown unlike the eye procedures now.  The spinal cord controls so many things.  They can’t say eith certainty it will be successful or maybe make things worse.  I know bodies weren’t designed to function forever, but age sure shows how the simplest of things can become mountains.  Marg, being a reader I can see why this frightens you.  It’s a pleasure we don’t want to lose.  If I could get out of so much pain, I’d have new glasses by now.  
 

Karen, yup I am a thrifty shopper, always have been.  I’d be going nuts if my coffers began to look empty.  But seriously, a 10 minute debate with myself about a box of cereal?  Maybe IN the store, but never to go back for it.  Usually I cart it around and then cull things before checkout.  Steve used to find it funny.  I’d say I owned them long enough.  And yes!  Sales!  My magic word!   I’m definitely not firing on all cylinders.  I’m paying big time today for that double trek.  Want to pick up a sandwich on sale today on $5 Friday so this ought to be interesting.  I can’t know if they will have the one I want til I go see.  Anyway, a major endeavor on a day that hasn’t had one minute pain free.  
 

I did just get some wine drops that are supposed to reduce the sulfites so maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.   I love my glass of wine before bed.  Things still hurt, but I don’t care as much.  All the stuff I read says don’t drink before bed.   But we always had a glass of wine and drifting off was nice.  Never bothered me before but I’m old now.  My logical excuse for everything.  I once entertained the idea of quitting that glass and my grief counselor said why?  You have so little pleasure.  Way back when it was sometimes almost 3 over a few hours.  That was when I would make my recordings in the studio.   Microphone shy.  I was always amazed hearing them later that I could sing.  We’d be at gatherings during the day or early evening and I could only sing if I could look at Steve and focus on his face.  Group songs were easy..  don’t know why I went down this memory tributary.  Must be the cereal.  🤔

[KarenK]

I've just about reached my frustration limit with Sears and this dishwasher. Was told on Tues. if parts didn't arrive on Thurs., that there was already a claim in progress for a replacement. One part arrived, but not the part the tech broke removing the door. Every person I spoke to previously assured me that part was ordered. Today the guy tells me only one part was ordered and no replacement claim pending. Can't speak to a supervisor. They have to call you back within 24 hours(that's a joke). They scheduled an appt. for tomorrow. I told them not to come because I don't have all the parts. If it weren't for my very old AC unit, with this kind of service I wouldn't keep the service contract I've had for 30 years.

Gwen, Ron used to laugh at me and say if they were giving away free watermelon rinds that I would be first in line. I do love sales, but I'm not that extreme!

I'm not a wine drinker, not much of an anything drinker except coffee and coke. I did my share of drinking in my 20's, but grew away from it. I drink a pot of coffee a day(probably why I can't sleep).

[Gwenivere]

I face Sears for my DW next week.  This will be the 4th appointment.  Going to replace a part they already did. I dunno.  What I expect is another frustrating experience.  They want me to have my water pressure lowered to the house but I like decent showers and my water heater filling quickly.  Plus, in all these decades no DW ever complained about the pressure.  Seems Sears is THE not to go place for repairs.  Way back when they were well respected.  You in AZ snd me in WA going thru the same crap with them.
 

I gave up coffee in the 90's.  Mucked with my anxiety.  Tried decaf snd just abandoned it.  All I drink is water and my glass of wine.  Used to love getting A&W root beer at the price club in the summer.  No outlets here anymore which sucks.  No Dairy Queen’s either.  I see ads on TV for Blizzards I’d like to try.  How does someone eat a whole one?  😳

[kayc]

Karen, I'd be upset that they didn't order the other part, keep on them!  I know, no fun!!

Gwen, I hope you got the sandwich you wanted.  We had an A&W here but the new owner didn't have enough $ and when the A/C went out and it needed a new roof, he just closed it.  Sad, it was an icon.  It used to have juke boxes at each table and a fire pit in the center of the room, great burgers!!  We have a DQ but I can't think of a thing I can eat there.  BTW, they make a kid's blizzard, or you could put half in the freezer for later.

[Margm]

One of the funniest things I can bring to mind about Billy concerns the Dairy Queen Blizzard.  That was when I could eat a "turtles" blizzard.  He had not seen the commercial where they turn it upside down to show it is so thick.  We went through the drive through, ordered, they brought it, turned it upside down and he had both hands out the window just a cursing the person at the window.  He was trying to catch and save what he saw as ice cream falling to the ground.  I still laugh. Of course it was too thick to fall, but he sure surprised the fellow at the window.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Unfortunately no DQ's here anymore as that is an excellent suggestion.

well, just tried to start Steve’s car as the usual Saturday ritual and it’s dead.  Great.  I’m suspecting the battery needs replaced.  It hasn’t been remote stating for weeks.   Handy thing that is.  Saved me walking and getting in with my bad back.  So, gonna have to tackle that this afternoon. It’s my backup vehicle and needs to be dependable.  I’m almost too tired to get upset.  I’ve asked for one day without a problem for months and it never happens.  Today is the day the Saturday meals were cancelled at the community center so now another non social one.  The last thing I need.  A woman I met at the CC called and we worked out a voice mail I left that hurt her feelings.  I felt so bad about it as I was joking around.  Shows how powerful words can be if the recipient isn’t in a good place.  I want to matter to people, but not in ways that hurts them.  It did amaze me I had that much 'power' as I feel I don’t matter a hoot to anyone.  That’s not a good way to matter obviously. 
 

I never heard back from the back doctor for my increased, almost incapacitating pain.  No sense trying to try for help on the weekend as on call docs never have all the information or history needed.  Another source of frustration.  
 

now I have to do some searching for battery replacement because if this jump doesn’t last, they would want to tow it.  I find that crazy as there has to be places that deliver.  It’s probably the original battery so I can’t imagine there’s some huge problem elsewhere.  It’s only got about 25,000 miles on it.  estimated arrival time is an hour.  Not like I have to go anywhere, but it makes me feel trapped waiting on repair people.  Shadows of what Karen sand I are going thru with our dishwashers.  
 

damn, this Steve’s car, should be his problem.  So tired of doing double duty.  

[Gwenivere]

4 minutes ago, Marg M said:

He was trying to catch and save what he saw as ice cream falling to the ground.  I still laugh.

He obviously wasn’t familiar with the Blizzard proof test!  😄

[nashreed]

Gwen, I kinda think that's one of the reasons I hate the weekends. The weekends were always a stressor, because if Annette had a medical issue (and she often did), if it happened on a weekend it would be very bad news. She would sometimes have issues with her medications. Every month I went on the "Opioid Run".  Not fun. A few times we had to go to the Urgent Care on a Sunday and thank goodness that they were open on Sundays. If it was after hours, the ER was the dreaded last resort. 

And it's weird how, y'know, I have nothing but time- yet, I have to be back at certain times, according to a schedule- that means nothing to anybody but myself. Even yesterday, at the beach, I found myself getting uneasy and, feeling I overstayed my welcome, left after two hours, when I could have stayed all day and it wouldn't have mattered. i don't like being here, but I guess I don't really like being anywhere. As the song went "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself".

 

[Gwenivere]

Yup, I know that routine that means nothing but to me.  We all have that I guess.  I get really agitated when that is mucked with as it is right now still waiting on the battery person and told it will be another 40 minutes.  I usually take a drive before being here all night alone.  I want to get a shower in so that may not be possible.  I have to do that when I can take a big gun pain pill.  It’s crazy having all this 'free' time yet feel so much a prisoner.  I often feel I don’t know where I belong.  Just the little structure I’ve made to get thru a day.

[nashreed]

Exactly. I don't know where I belong, or why I exist sometimes. I was so used to Annette depending on me. Now, I really don't have a purpose, and it is extremely hard on me emotionally. 

I have to take a shower in the morning, or I can't function. I have to listen to music between 5 and 7 or I am cranky beyond what I normally am. You'd think it would be freeing to not have anyone depending on you. I could live like Nomadland, right? (eh, no)

 

[Gwenivere]

I’d like to be more versatile in my showers, but pain is a huge factor so it’s an intense ritual and test of my threshold.  They were so easy way back when.   It’s not so much dependence as mattering to that special someone.  When you don’t feel like you matter anymore, my first waking thought, it’s hard to do much of anything.  I get told to do it for myself, but that’s alien to me now.  I’ve had 6 years of practice.  There were times it worked, but they are things closed off to me now.  I get so weary of being told this.  I know it has to come from within.  Can’t snap my finger and make that happen.
 

Haven’t seen the movie yet but the reviews tell me I’m pretty much living there sans making new connections I can rely on.  I’ve met 2 people but can’t do much with them that would be so healthy for my mental health.  So I wonder why I am teased with these opportunities I can’t fully partake of because I’d sure like to!  It’s just life. I’m just not good at accepting that now that it is more egative than positive.  I think that’s a rational reaction.  I’ve been assured I’m not going crazy and am clinging to that.  

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

just tried to start Steve’s car as the usual Saturday ritual and it’s dead.

You can try recharging it with your car, letting it run a bit.  Or a battery charger.  I have a battery tender on my truck because I rarely drive it, take it out and drive it once a month.  I wish the insurance would give me a break but they're in the business of keeping as much $ as they can from us.  The battery tender was about $40 it seems and it hooks to your battery and you plug your vehicle in to the tender and it plugs into the electrical socket, so all you have to do is unplug from vehicle when you take it out for a spin.  It shows a red blinking light if it's low on juice, which it shouldn't unless the elec. goes out.  When it comes back on it charges back up.

 

[kayc]

My Sat. wasn't social either, don't hear from anyone but my sister and she just wanted me to take her to the doctor Tuesday.  Means I have to go out Tues., Wed., Thurs. Fri. this week, ugh, I like days in between going out.  Poor Kodie is missing Jazzy, they're at the coast a few days.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

You can try recharging it with your car, letting it run a bit.  Or a battery charger. 

Oh, Kay,  you silly woman!  You assume I want to handle these kind of problems when I can pay someone.   😎  Plus, with a bad back, it’s not an option really anymore.  I’d do myself more harm than good.  
 

I don’t do well on days I don’t get out.  Even if I’m lost out there about what to do.  I don’t care for driving aimlessly.  I like to feel like I accomplished something.  Tough assignments with the pain.  I was throwing Mel’s ball just now and it went under the deck.  Walking across it and trying to fish it out from a landscaping light cutout about killed me.  Luckily had back up balls.  So that’s the thing that will overshadow the day now.   I hate this feeling like a china doll.  I used to be able to haul stepping stones out there.  Now the thought of walking it is discouraging.  
 

everything has to be planned out.  Don’t do other activities on shower days.  Which side do I sleep on?  Can I handle a load of laundry?  I’d love to get the carpets cleaned but it will be tough as I need the furnitures put back exactly where it was.  So miss Steve do much of this.  Gonna have to call and say I need 2 people as they’ve gone to one now.  That’s even if I can summon the desire as it’s needed.  It’s hard to even move the lamps for safety which I didn’t  do last time. Everything is so frigging complicated now. 
 

ugh, another day, another gripe.  I’m sorry you have so many trips to make day after day.  I know it’s not easy for you.  I tried going to Ace Hardware for bathroom vanity bulbs and after the hard trek in there were out of them.  They suggested Lowe’s which I thought, yeah, if I could walk huge places I would have gone there as they are cheaper.  Guess I could look online for ordering, but I’ve been trying not to have to do that yet.  All signs I am getting worse.  Acceptance isn’t my strong point yet.