My Sanity Needed Vents

[Margm]

When my dad was dying they could give him only enough morphine not to kill him.  He would have moments between breath that we thought he was gone, actually prayed he was gone.  He was unconscious and secretions built up so they had to snog him.  His eyes had been closed for days, they put the snog machine on him and a look of horror opened his eyes.  Then slap the morphine on again.  No water, no ice chips, nothing, waiting for him to die.  He'd dig his heels into the special mattress and had bed sores on his feet.  They doctored them.  It is like I said, our animals get the better care to die.  He had the continued Cheyne-Stokes breathing until it finally quit.  My own mama wondered why they did not give dying people heroin.  It at least causes euphoria and there have been cases where the patient improved.  I know when Billy smoked the marijuana those last couple of weeks, he could not walk.  I came out the kitchen door into the garage, they were on the outside.  He looked like a bowlegged cowboy but that boy ran to get me with Scott and Kelli on both sides of him to catch him.  If you have to die, and we all have to, why not something to cause euphoria instead of pain.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought of that.  

[kayc]

I'm glad your toes improving, Marg.  It's too bad doctors nowadays are more concerned with pill seekers/drug addiction than they are helping patients with long term pain be comfortable.  Very sad.

[Gwenivere]

21 hours ago, Marg M said:

If you have to die, and we all have to, why not something to cause euphoria instead of pain.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought of that.  

What I witnessed with Steve had me feeling the same way.  He was so restless and always taking his clothes off for days. Unaware of where he was.  I don’t understand why they didn’t knock him out so he wouldn’t keep falling off the bed.  I think they would have in hospice, but where i moved him they couldn’t do IV's.  He couldn’t swallow anything either.  He was in some weird world by himself and just visiting those images breaks my heart.  He loved getting high.  It would have been so much humane to have him feel relaxed and drifting, comfortable.  

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 It would have been so much humane to have him feel relaxed and drifting, comfortable.  

Gwen and Marg, too.  Even though I have never thought about keeping dying patients in an euphoric state, I have to agree that that should be the only way to lessen their struggles. 

My dear Mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia and was under hospice care towards the end.  The drugs she was given kept her in a deep sleep.  I don't think she was in pain.  During her last hours, my daughter, who adored her Grandmother,  held her continually and would not leave her bedside until the hospice social worker suggested I take my daughter out for a short walk.  They said as long as my mother was being held in her arms she would not pass.  I convinced my daughter we needed to go out for just a few minutes and we walked down the street, and by the time we returned, my Mother had passed.  Dee😢 

[Gwenivere]

Wow.   That is so intense, Dee.  She must have been connected to your daughter and not want to leave her with that feeling of death in her arms.  Some amazing things happen and that is certainly one.  I don’t know if Steve was aware of my presence, but I am glad I was not there to witness his leaving.  To have to live with it is more than enough heartache.  💔

[KarenK]

There's such a difference in the way each of our loved ones were treated or mistreated during their final hours. Our hospice was wonderful. A nurse stood by his bed the entire time and gave him meds if he appeared in distress at all. He just faded away and stopped breathing. The "Hospice From Hell" in Kentucky took hours to arrive when we'd call about Debbie. She was already getting morphine, fentanyl, and dilaudid while still screaming and convulsing. It was unbearable to see her suffer. You'd think there was something else they could have done. Their answer was "Call us when she dies and we'll come out". I should have simply shot them when they arrived.

Gwen, to make you feel a tiny bit better, it's supposed to be 118 here tomorrow.

[Gwenivere]

What a horrible thing for your daughter, Karen.  My heart goes out to you.  I cannot even know what it must feel like carrying the weight of that memory and loss.  
 

Temps are minuscule after hearing about that.  Having lived in Phoenix, I know you have to have AC.  That’s where I lived at night.  It was a matter of survival when it cooled off to 104.  

[kayc]

It's common for people (like cats) to pass when they're alone.  In a way it relieves them as they don't have to worry about our response, only their transition and letting go.  I'm sorry your daughter went through that.

George went out in severe pain as it was a heart attack and they were working on him, deep thrusts, shocks, etc.  The last time I saw him his eyes were frantic/bulging in the most severe pain I've ever witnessed!  It was probably 45 minutes to an hour before four doctors came to tell me...they didn't have to say a word, I knew.  I wish I could have been there for him as we were always there for each other.

[Margm]

As I've said many times, Mama was a farmgirl.   She was very smart in handling farm animals, had a gaggle of geese that followed her around like she was their mother.  She would pull her boots off and they would stay with the boots.  She never let me keep my pets inside, never to a vet.  She taught me that animals when they want to die will usually go off by themselves to die alone.  I don't know about that, I had at least two die at my window.  I could only make them as comfortable as I could, as a child.  My kids kept their pets inside.  We used veterinarians also.  Times change.  People actually do too.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Not doing well in this heatwave.   I feel so limited beyond the pain and whatever stomach issue I have going.  I am gonna try for a drive just to not feel a prisoner and the car AC that actually is cold.  I remember when I would say something weird and Steve would say back....you’re crazy with the heat, girl!   Well, I’m that now.  
 

Being hostage to the heat is mucking with my mind.  I’m so tired of being alone.  Can’t even count on my home being a refuge.  I had 2 calls in for docs this week that never called back.  Don’t they get how that makes a person feel?  Like they just don’t matter or can blow it off because it isn’t dire to them?  I don’t call unless I really need some advice.  I’m aware they are busy.  
 

This is loneliness beyond what I’ve ever felt.  I know I’m not alone in the heat thing.  Wish I could go to a community center to cool off.  It’s gonna be a major deal just to take a drive.  Being handicapped, alone and old is a very bad combo right now.  I want to call someone but feel all I would do is cry.  
 

my minor AC unit quit.  I panicked til I remembered you have to empty the water reservoir.  Not an easy thing to carry.  Couldn’t take Mel outside so hoping she did her business when I told her to go out alone.  No ball throwing today.  She doesn’t understand anything going on today as I’m all over the map.  I’d love to lay in bed and rest, but it’s too hot in there.  
 

I can’t even say this is a sanity vent.  I don’t feel sane at all!

[Gwenivere]

Back again.  This is my only outlet right now.  Barely been up 3 hours and a long haul to our next record breaking day of heat. Wish I could live in my cars AC.  
 

Really struggling with the unfairness of life.  Hard to watch news about that apartment collapse in Florida.  See the struggle here for people with no cooling help.  Can’t get to a community center to cool off.  
 

Maybe I shouldn’t be amazed that I want Steve here so much.  He couldn’t fix any of the worlds problems, but someone to talk to would so help.  He could help me with so much I’m struggling with because I keep stressing my back to where I don’t know if I’ll get back to the limited function I had.  
 

Guess I’ve overstayed my whining for the day.  Donna, hope you are hanging in there.  Know it is hotter going south like you are from me.

 

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Guess I’ve overstayed my whining for the day.  Donna, hope you are hanging in there.  Know it is hotter going south like you are from me.

Gwen:  I think I'm hanging on.....last night when I went to bed the interior of my house was 88 degrees.  When I got out of bed this morning at 7:15 am, it was 80 degrees inside.  Right now I'm in my bedroom, the shady part of the house lying in my bed with 3 fans blowing on me.

Yesterday was an uncomfortable day for me.  My realtor suggested I have an inspection on my home before we put it on the market in order not to be surprised down the road should an offer come in right away.  This meant 2 hours of my realtor and the inspector in and out of my house.  I was having a tough time being congenial and talkative when I only wanted to strip off my clothes, find a plastic deck chair and place me on the chair under the cold shower. 

To add to my list of "things to do" I received a letter from the VA early last week.  My husband had applied for VA benefits due to his bladder cancer and was denied prior to his passing.  I have 30 days to reply since the VA is now considering bladder cancer a condition associated with agent orange.  Agent orange was sprayed throughout Vietnam to destroy vegetation and the vast jungle canopy.  For me pulling all the old VA files and rereading what my dear husband had to endure triggering memories of that awful time prior to him suffering his heart attack after the surgery.  Why or why is this happening NOW......I need to be continuing emptying this house and all the "stuff" we accumulated in our 50+ marriage.  Isn't there something called Murphy's Law or is my brain so fried from the heat I don't have a clue what I am talking about.   I was telling my son today I think God is punishing me for being such a crabby old wife to my dear husband.  Karma, maybe......

I didn't realize the prediction of this awful heat is to last until Friday.  Oh nooooo.😱  Take care Gwen and Kay....and Kieron, please return our rain.  Dee
 

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

Isn't there something called Murphy's Law or is my brain so fried from the heat I don't have a clue what I am talking about. 

Yup, it says anything that can go wrong will.  
 

I can’t imagine dealing with people for hours about your house in this mess.  I checked my inside thermometers in the living room with the puddly AC and one said 88 and the other said 92.  No wonder I feel so sick.  
 

I want to jump in the shower to break my body temp a bit.  
 

I’m so sorry you are being hit with VA stuff now.  I take it these are benefits you can claim?  A time limit is the last thing you need right now.  And the emotional cost is very high.

Take care tomorrow.   I’m trying to figure out how to avoid getting sick.  Today was more than my limit and they say sleeping is going to be really hard tonight.  What I’m trying to figure out is how you cool your house down when it drops back to 90 or slightly below.   Same for you, Kay.  This is dangerous stuff!

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I want to jump in the shower to break my body temp a bit.  

Gwen:  I just did that and it did perk me up a bit.  I also rummaged around in my freezer and found one of those frozen packs used for sprains and pains.  Found a spot on my arms and it helped until it had to be refrozen.  One of the weather ladies on TV suggested freezing a wet towel.  I tried a small hand towel....it was too brief, but it helped for a minute.  Wish I could fit in my freezer.😁

Last check of my inside temp is 92. Dee 

[kayc]

91 inside my house last night.  Heat is lasting here beyond a week, 108 in Oakridge today!  At least the temps will cool a bit at night, they sure didn't last night, got up at 5:30 am it was almost 80 inside and out!  Walked Kodie early.  Will walk/carry him to Jazzy's at 4 pm as we're having a BBQ and they have A/C, always cooler in their shaded yard too.  There's a mountain lion on the loose in the neighborhood so have to be careful.

[kayc]

Dee, I can only imagine how the VA letter made you feel...and your response to them...

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Wish I could fit in my freezer.😁

That’s a bit drastic, D.  Think the refrigerator would be a better option.  🥵

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Will walk/carry him to Jazzy's at 4 pm as we're having a BBQ and they have A/C, always cooler in their shaded yard too.

The only way I’d go out is in my car.  Just getting the mail was monumental.   I couldn’t be outside even in the shade.  Last night I was so sick that getting a half sandwich down was tough.  Drinking so much water is tough too.  I’m getting edema in my ankles and feet.  Doc says drink 2 liters a day!  Ugh.  
 

Mel is having a hard time.  Drinking lots of water and staring at me a lot.  I know she wants me to fix things.  Our routine is off.  Bothers me as much as her.   We’re expecting 110 or more.  Don’t know how I’ll make it another night.  Then it drops to 90 tomorrow which is our usual heat wave weather.  Hardly a relief because the house is now so hot there’s no way to cool it off.  Think they added Tuesday as another weather warn day.  Then we stay mid 80’s for days.  
 

I’ve got all the blinds closed today.  Adds to the creepiness.  One thing I do know is I will never again complain about the rain here.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve got all the blinds closed today.  Adds to the creepiness.  One thing I do know is I will never again complain about the rain here.  

Gwen: that's what I do with my bedroom after I get up in the morning and the sun has moved towards west.  I shut windows and blinds in hopes it stays as cool as possible.  Right now the outside here is registering 102.  My son just texted me a picture of his temperature gauge on his truck....109 degrees.  He's probably somewhere around Auburn or Kent area, south of Seattle and on paved roads.

 

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Will walk/carry him to Jazzy's at 4 pm as we're having a BBQ and they have A/C, always cooler in their shaded yard too.  There's a mountain lion on the loose in the neighborhood so have to be careful.

kayc:  So good you have such wonderful neighbors and a nice place for Kodie to socialize.

Yikes to the mountain lion on the loose.  Enjoy your evening. 

 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Mel is having a hard time.  Drinking lots of water and staring at me a lot.  I know she wants me to fix things.  Our routine is off.  Bothers me as much as her.

Poor Mel.  So sorry for her.  Her long coat probably doesn't help her very much.  Wish someone was there to maybe hose her down if she wouldn't go bonkers with such activity.  She probably doesn't enjoy water.

Thinking good thoughts that all make it through this unusual weather.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

Wish someone was there to maybe hose her down if she wouldn't go bonkers with such activity.  She probably doesn't enjoy water.

Actually, she likes getting wet, but she’s never been actually swimming.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of it til today, but I soaked her head with my neck towel.  She really perked up.  
 

I did take a drive.  The AC felt so good and I could breathe.  Everything in the house is hot including my oxygen.  My piddly AC keeps going on and off.   It’s a pretty old unit and crossing my fingers it holds up til I can get another one.  I was noticing the cool air it puts out doesn’t feel that cool.   Then I realized it’s never had to tackle the house this hot.  It would be fine if it were only about 80-84 in here, not 90’s.  My car alternated between 108 and 112.  Of course my portable oxygen needed changing so that was a challenge.  Couldn’t get the seal to hold.  
 

wow, news says 119 road degrees in Tacoma!  

Damn, my AC compressor stopped again!   Our house is a heat trap from insulation.  Nice in the winter, bad now.  
 

I so want to get wet.  Just don’t trust being alone in this heat in the bathroom.  I passed where I have my hair cut and they will shampoo your hair for $10.  If it weren’t such a bad day I would have gone for it.  Also didn’t know if they had AC and if my back could take it being so stuck in the living room for days.  I’m feeling sorry for myself.  My back mucks up so much stuff.  The community centers are open to hang out in.  Can’t do it.  Have counseling tomorrow and hoping my rigged set up will hold my iPad in the living room.  It’s so easy in the kitchen.  
 

This is an adventure I could have passed on.  Know I will be looking into buying in advance as so many are sold in advance.  
 

looks like a night without much, if any, TV.  When the AC kicks in it reboots my DVR and takes a long time to load the data back.  I just noticed many of my HD channels are blocked out.  This just so sucks.  I made my grief group online, but didn’t get much from it as I suspected.  But it’s support for others.   
 

now I’m going to try a nap and force dinner.  Food sounds so horrible.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

looks like a night without much, if any, TV.  When the AC kicks in it reboots my DVR and takes a long time to load the data back.  I just noticed many of my HD channels are blocked out.  This just so sucks.  I made my grief group online, but didn’t get much from it as I suspected.  But it’s support for others.

Gwen:  I gave up with TV since my fans make so much noise I can barely hear anyway.  I turned off TV and took my laptop out on my deck, it's 9:30 and almost dark and I don't know if I'm imagining it but I almost feel some coolness drifting in.  I thought I heard one weather report saying we would be feeling some cooler weather tonight coming off ocean.

Good Mel got some relief for a few minutes. 

When I can't do anything but sit in front of the fans I was trying to think of ways to cool down.  Somewhere in this mess of a house I have a spray bottle that I used when I would iron clothes......Yes, I used to iron clothes.  Will look tomorrow and see if I still have it.  Even though I have never experienced Las Vegas I understand there are water misters between casinos. 

Yes, a part of I-5 was buckling from the heat.  The roads and traffic are bad enough and now this isn't going to be good for commuters to and from Seattle.

Hope tomorrow is a cooler day for you.  Dee 

 

[KarenK]

Well, go figure. It's no hotter than normal here(about 110 today) and my AC started screeching and rattling really loud today. Maybe your PNW heat wave is sending a message or maybe because the unit is 37 years old. Will be calling repair tomorrow. Robert says it sounds like a bearing. Not good, I imagine. Hope there's no wait for parts or we'll be in a motel.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The only way I’d go out is in my car.

I ended up taking the car because of Kodie and also I brought dessert, figured it'd melt otherwise!

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m getting edema in my ankles and feet.

I did too, that's scary.  Last time I had it was when George died, it was really bad then but that was from stress.

A friend clocked it on both her thermometers at 118 yesterday in Oakridge!  NEVER saw heat like this here before!  It was not near the pavement, it was actually in the shade!

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I will never again complain about the rain here.  

I've learned not to complain about the rain, at least I don't have to shovel it and it doesn't bring high/low temperatures.  We need it.  It may be three months before we see it though.  What I want to know is how my grass grew a foot in the short time since I had it mowed!

Oh gosh, Karen, I hope they get out pronto and look at your A/C, not a time for it!  
 

My sister said they were short staffed and didn't give them their morning meds until evening, and then two hours later gave them their evening ones.  I just want her home.  What horrid care!

 

[KarenK]

AC quit at 4 AM. Was 90 at 7:30 with 3 fans running. Called Sears. Waste of time. Was told they are upgrading their system and couldn't make appt. Someone would email me within 24-48 hours with appt. time and day. Have heard that song and dance before. Can't wait around for them to get off their ass. Called an AC repair that's coming out today. Kind of ironic that the main reason I pay Sears $1000 every year is in case the AC goes out.

Have been up all night. No idea when I can get some sleep.

[Gwenivere]

Another black mark on Sears.  They are the worst.  Glad I didn’t invest in a protection plan on anything.  Having just lived thru 3 days of triple digits, it’s going to take a long time to recover.  I read this sickness can last a week.  I really need a shower, but not trusting my stability feeling so weak.  Plus my back got so much worse being forced to stay In the living room with no supportive places to sit.  The house is a mess with emergency survival stuff around.  I go bonkers when my house is out of order.  I found you can go crazy from the heat as I was scared last night by how out of it I was.  My brain was so scrambled and I got very scared being alone.  
 

Dee, I felt the cooler air move in last night too.  Took a chance and opened windows pointing fans out and it helped.  Woke up hot, but not nearly as bad.  Closed things up today again tho.  Now we have our usual heatwave temps.  I’ve opened the living room blinds a bit as I had been feeling so claustrophobic.  All my really cool clothes have been worn and sweated in for days but I don’t want to dig out others.  Worst is my nightshirt I sit in, have no backup for that.  Never needed it. I’m just to worn out for extra tasks.  I do and don’t feel gross, but just no energy with the added pain to do more as it’s been days of doing things to survive.  I do want a shower sooooooo bad but scared I can’t handle it.  Used some hospital bath wipes last night which helped.

Gads Kay!  You got slammed more than we did!  Don’t know how you did it.  I was getting practically catatonic yesterday.  I really couldn’t think clearly at all.  The edema doesn’t help as it affects balance.  Have enough probs with that, my hip and back.  All the water I drank yesterday caught up while I was sleeping last night.  Never get up more than once.  I was worried Monday as so much in, so little out.  
 

I actually saw some people out in full dress clothes over the weekend.  Kinda heavy pants and tops.  Some carrying groceries home from the corner supermarket.  Even if I could walk, I wouldn’t have been able to breathe.  My home oxygen was even hot.  I saw the birds needed fresh food and water, so an extra task last night. 
 

An email buddy in Indianapolis wrote me today to check up on me. He saw the news.  He used a most appropriate word...brutal.  Didn’t know I had no real AC.  He was worried about Mel too.  I was reading about 78% of Portland has AC.  Only 44%  in Washington.  Guessing that is gonna change.  
 

So now a decision about a shower.  If it hadn’t been a week since I washed my hair I’d be more inclined to wait.  I just want to feel really clean.  I keep my hair pinned up all the time so it’s not dirty, but usually haven’t been sweating so much.  I have counseling today, maybe she will talk me out of it for another day.  She’s been jumping in and out, but her back isn’t as bad as mine.  Thing is mine won’t hurt any less tomorrow or the day after.  
 

I know it goes without saying, but this weather really screwed the pooch on so much.  My bed is a disaster.  Don’t bother making it as I couldn’t use the covers.  Last night at nap time I couldn’t sleep at all.  I knew I probably wouldn’t but I’m such a routine oriented person.   So I payed there til I couldn’t stand it.  Even Mel jumped up like saying let’s go back to the living room hell.
 

Sorry for the long babble.  Just don’t have anything else to do.  
 

Hey, Marg!  Glad to see you back.  I’m sorry your dealing with all your issues.  It just never ends.

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

It's no hotter than normal here(about 110 today) and my AC started screeching and rattling really loud today. Maybe your PNW heat wave is sending a message or maybe because the unit is 37 years old.

Karen:  Keeping fingers crossed for you and your AC.  I can't imagine how you can live without one after what we have gone through for only a couple of two days.  🤞 Dee