My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

My sister tells me she has no hot water.  I researched electricians and have two that will contact her after the holiday.  The town's only plumber retired and sold the business, don't know who to but was told if it's a part on the water tank an electrician or plumber can do it...plumber might be cheaper esp. if local but if the electrician already needs to come out it might be cheaper to let them do it if they will.  Will go to her house and check it out.  I don't know if she didn't let it run long enough or if it's truly out.  I tried to get her to time it ten minutes and if there's no hot water then I know my answer.  But she wouldn't.  She infuriates me because I've basically spent my last month on her and she won't do a simple thing to let me know what's happening, causing me yet another trip down there today!  Grr!  If she won't do the least little thing for herself, why am I helping her!

7 hours ago, widow'15 said:

So, I told my self next time I am not going to take that free right turn, I was going to wait for light to turn green.  So, following my thought process, the next time I'm sitting at the red light waiting for the green light and the yahoo behind me honks at me for not turning on red light.  I'm sure he was in a big hurry and couldn't wait the minute and half for the light to turn green.  Grrrr.  Dee

Haha!  I had to laugh as we can't win sometimes!

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, widow'15 said:

the next time I'm sitting at the red light waiting for the green light and the yahoo behind me honks at me for not turning on red light.  I'm sure he was in a big hurry and couldn't wait the minute and half for the light to turn green. 

Don’t put on your turn signal.  Sometimes I decide on a right at the last minute and don’t want to be behind someone turning left or possibly doing so.  Guess that wouldn’t work in a right turn only lane.  I learned a long time ago to not let people behind me pressure me.  I’m the only one that can see things from my vantage point.  It’s my car and body on the line.  I’ve gotten behind people that don’t go too and had to just grumble snd wait.   I’ve never honked at anyone on a judgement call.  Just a tap if they don’t see it’s turned green for a long time.  No need to lean on the horn neither.  People are just so rude sometimes.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

If she won't do the least little thing for herself, why am I helping her!

Drat, I replied to this an it got wiped out.  Anyway, what if you didn’t show up with the stipulation that she had to supply what you asked first?   This isn’t life or death, so maybe a good chance to show here you won’t drop everything every time she calls?  I know family dynamics make this complicated.  Just hate seeing you dragged around bring a caregiver you didn’t consent to.  Would like to see she starts learning to help you help her.  
 

Thanks to you all that I’m not a failure.  I’m seeing that driving is changing due to fatigue, stress, depression, meds and who knows what else.  I so miss being 100% and could multitask safely.  I don’t even like taking a drink of water if I’m moving now.  Have to take my anxiety meds and they make me more spacey, I think.  They never did before.  But then, I wasn’t so messed up before.  
 

Put jeans back on today.  Shoes too.  I really don’t card for shorts and sandals anymore.  My house is actually chilly today so nice not to have bare legs.  Plus they are depressing to look at.  Definitely not my huge asset as they were.  Hard to believe I strutted these things that are swollen, mottled and look so old.  Just like keeping my once thick mane down, now pinned up constantly.  Whoever thought we’d really get old, and beyond appearance, when we were younger?   Guess I thought people just always were what they were.  Saw pics of my mom as a young woman, but I couldn’t register that with the only woman I knew who was so much older. Having me at 38 also made her older looking.  She was 63 the first time I got married, my age now when I married Steve at 27.  Was a grandmother by my sister.

Back to you, Kay, I do hope you can untangle yourself from this unwanted role.  Or at least simplify it more. 

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Guess that wouldn’t work in a right turn only lane.  I learned a long time ago to not let people behind me pressure me.  I’m the only one that can see things from my vantage point.  It’s my car and body on the line.  I’ve gotten behind people that don’t go too and had to just grumble snd wait.  

Yes Gwen, I was in the right turn only lane.  I did wait for green light anyway.  I agree people seem to be more and more rude on the road.  My son, the truck driver, says he sees it all the time driving the big long semi trying to do his job delivering pallets of  groceries from a Costco warehouse or one of those big box grocery stores or those big heavy items everyone orders on line.  He sometimes has to move slowly as he backs between narrow apartment complexes, hospital loading docks, etc., etc.  Or, on the freeway crazy people cutting him off to get in front of him not realizing it isn't easy to stop that big truck on a dime.  People just seem not to want to wait for a minute.  

 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks to you all that I’m not a failure.  I’m seeing that driving is changing due to fatigue, stress, depression, meds and who knows what else.  I so miss being 100% and could multitask safely.

  No, you are not a failure, Gwen.  You are living in an unforgiving situation at the moment.  I looked at my misadventure of the little speeding grey car as a tap on the shoulder to just WAIT until I feel perfectly confident or the light turns green.  Like you, I miss being 100% as well.  I just spent about 3 1/2 hours working with my son on a VA site trying to upload documents to no avail.   We tried four different computers and kept getting the run around trying to verify who I was.  I gave up and decided to address an envelope that will be dropped in the mail on Tuesday.  Now if the post office doesn't shut down, I can check this chore off my list.  LOL.  Can't wait to see what next week brings me.  Happy 4th to all.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Can't wait to see what next week brings me. 

You’re a braver woman than me!   Or was that sarcastic?   I know some things I have scheduled I’m not looking forward to.  I’m sure there will be surprises that won’t come with a bow.    🙄

I run into more probs with technology when I really need it.  Playing games?  No prob.  My passwords being rejected, info not recognized and confusing websites, often problems.  Sometimes I’ll call for tech support.  Others I do what you did, look for a snail mail solution.  Hope that is behind you once you send it in.  

[kayc]

When I got there yesterday, Peggy had her oxygen on, had tried the water (I did too), still cold.  The electrician I called is coming today or tomorrow.  That's a start!  Have a lot of appts to make for her, a LOT of driving to do, not looking forward to it as each one will take a full day with her, lifting her heavy walker in/out of the car, all the miles on my car!

I'm trying not to overwhelm her, one thing at a time.  Getting the electrician out and her eyes taken care of are most emergent.  One thing at a time, but caregiver/housekeeper, denturist will be not too far down the road.

She got a late notice from the bank, she got mad, wadded it up and threw it away.  I don't know what's going on in her mind, but I carefully explained to her they had every right to let her know she was late as she missed paying them last month.  Had to find her statement to show her it was on her M/C and that I'd taken the payment to the bank just Friday.  No need for anger.  Need her to call BCBS about Bert's unpaid bill and then the collections company to let them know it should be paid by BCBS.  Who knows where the breakdown was, but you can't leave it lay and not deal with it and expect it to all disappear.  Will be prodding...first the electrician...

[Gwenivere]

Trying to figure out how to face a non anything day.  Tried making a list last night of things I could feasibly do and came up with nothing til attempting a shower later.  I guess I could trek to the garage for a loaf of bread from the freezer.  Another insurance is trying to reach me with more questions about last weeks accident.  Of course I call back and get voice mail.  It’s a business division and suspect it’s because the guy is an Uber driver.  But I don’t know why they aren’t talking to my insurance only.  I’m supposed to be out of the loop now.  I don’t need this stress.  
 

Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day.  Zoom meetings almost back to back between my doc and grief counselor.  I hate that the stress takes a huge digestive toll as I don’t want to be running to the bathroom during an appointment.  I have appointments the rest of the week or waiting for a repair person.  I so long for the days I did my normal things or anything without hindrance of pain.  I would so love to walk without it being a huge deal.  
 

Don’t even know why I’m writing this.  No, I do.  I have nothing to do today.  Nothing I can do that I want.  It’s deep depression day after day.  Non plan days, even if I hate them, makes it looming in my face.  Many things I can think of to do but would either require massive expenditure or I just can’t.  I’ve also lost my interest for looking at things in stores because of not caring about adding or replacing anything here.  I never thought I’d lose interest in just about everything.  It all seems so pointless now.  Why get a new bedspread?  Actually I’m pretty content with the setup we made.  It’s only tech stuff that could be upgraded and that’s above my pay grade interest.  I’m already bracing for a Direct TV change this month I’m assured won’t affect me.  Do I believe that?  No.  Seems everything goes wrong.  That seems the only sure thing these days.  Not a good mix with depression.  
 

I tried calling my insurance company and they are closed.   Don’t understand why this Allstate guy is calling.  Just called them and the driver let Uber know and Allstate said they were informing me and if they call back to tell whoever this is being handled by my insurance.  They see no involvement needed in their part.  So I just spent a couple hours to find out a message left that stressed me out shouldn’t have,  but I couldn’t know that without getting stressed to find out.  I don’t know what you’d call that but I have a 4 letter word description I think can be guessed.

off to figure out how to kill the rest of this day.  

Kay, I so feel for you dealing with your sister.  

[kayc]

I'd turn any messages left over to your insurance company to handle.  It's ridiculous they are trying to put you in the middle of this, this is what we pay the big buck for all these years!

I have an electrician coming to Peggy's today.  She called me and talked for an hour three times yesterday!  Doesn't leave me much time for anything.  I think she forgets.  I'm not hiding her dementia from her, talking to her like it's normal, calmly, and try to keep to a positive light and not a scary one, but matter of factly.  I think she appreciates the honesty.  I assure her I will do what is in HER best interest in her life, always.  I also let her know I'm doing my best to keep her in her home...as long as it's possible, but I also want her safe and cared for, not in danger.  She knows she can trust me, I love her.  I also assure her that it's normal to "forget" with all she's been through...loss of husband, pain, pain Rxs, dementia, being out of her surroundings so long, and throwing in the mixed messages she gets from doctors/nurses/caregivers/social workers/ etc.  I told her it's been very hard for ME to sort through, I can't imagine how hard it's been to be HER!  I told her she's actually doing very well considering everything, she deserves some credit!

Not to say it's not frustrating in my situation, but it is for her too.

I hope for you, Gwen, that you have something positive today, no matter how small!

 

[Gwenivere]

Today is double Zoom meetings.  Not looking forward to either of them.  Just frustrated it’s another day of pain.  I’ve yet to find out if I can still shop for my own groceries since it’s been feeling worse.  Still no word from the back doc.  
 

I should be looking forward to my grief counseling today, but I’m not getting anywhere but more down.  Not her fault, it’s the physical fight constantly.  Makes it hard to focus on anything else but wanting Steve here for help and support.  The. One to my doc will be nothing but frustration.  I guess people not struggling with my concoction of issues or at least have support are able to do more about it.  I can’t hire that. I can’t buy making myself care to do so much I don’t want to.   I can’t hire love and a partner.  Then there is the surgery recovery wall.   
 

Tomorrow I talk to my shrink about meds.  I already know that is going to be a test of holding my tongue.  He talks about how I am suffering, but he as a very cold voice and face.  It’s always tough talking to him.  Plus they aren’t trained much in counseling.   They are med people.  It’s a Catch 22 there.  The more emotional I get, the more more pills are brought up.  Maybe he’s right, but physically, I’m not trusting of the side effects to find out.   I’ve done the increase on AD's before and it’s hell for me.

I’m home from being out.  I had to find out if I could still shop.  I did but man, it was tough putting things away.  Don’t know how many breaks I took.  I keep buying a lot of the same things in case I can’t get out.  I really don’t want to do the grocery pick up.  But my counselor said I’m fighting the reality of things.  She is right.  My doc is getting things set up, if possible, to get tests done at a satellite clinic.  I know I can’t  just hop over to the hospital lab or his place for a test kit.  I look at so many changes many of you made or are making and don’t know how you did/do it.  My biggest barrier is pain and not the kind I can relieve at all.  My eyes are taking a hit from being on this tablet so much.  Guess that’s enough whining for the day.  Thanks for putting up with me.  

[kayc]

I got my new glasses yesterday, having a hard time adjusting to them (triple progressives) as I can't see the computer as well.  If my eyes don't adjust I may have to go back to them.  I have to lift my head more which isn't in line with my monitor.  Maybe it'll just take time.

The electrician came out and got Peggy's dryer and hot water back on, gave her a bid for replacing the circuit breaker and where the electric company put her meter on her house it burned and needs replaced, it's old.  $3,400.00.  He didn't charge for yesterday.  Nice people, really.  She wants to shower today.  I talked to the eye place again about getting her in sooner.

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I can’t hire love and a partner.

Oh that we could!  I miss that so much.  It's weird feeling no one really cares or would miss us if we died.  Not like our spouse would have.

[Gwenivere]

Never tried triple progressives.  Just distance and reading and the spot between seemed to work well at the computer.  It’s not a real issue on this tablet.  I am noticing it at my desk tho.  Wish I could get in for an exam and possibly new ones.  I guess I could, but I’m drowning in so many med issues.  That I can see I’m calling good.  Can you have them redone if you don’t adjust?  I use Target and have had to have that done.  It was never a problem.  Once I went.back to my old RX as the new one was too much in the outside the exam room world.  
 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

It's weird feeling no one really cares or would miss us if we died.  Not like our spouse would have.

What I find hard right now is feeling that while still alive.  No one ever really checks in with me as a part of life anymore.  Not wellness checks, but just natural social back and forth.  Of course the biggest was our partner.  I was trying to verbalize that to my counselor as she is so used to being alone, but has many ties in her neighborhood and with her colleagues.  When I was volunteering I’d be in a much better head space that night for the connection.  Now there is barely anything.  It’s like a wasteland.  
 

Today is talking to the shrink day.  Need my meds.  That’s another thing I can’t get across to the docs.  Living in unending pain.  I don’t know how anyone does that and avoids deep depression.  I read the summary after seeing my PCP yesterday and he noted I declined wanting to change my anxiety meds.  Yup, I did indeed not want to change doses of my antidepressant.  BTDT.  I can’t even get off them.  So I pay a lot all year just to avoid withdrawal.  If it didn’t include seizures I’d try it again.  Tho going thru the panic might nix that as it did before.  The big fight will be getting him to cal in my RX's to save me from printing forms and waiting on snail mail.  All he needs to do is fax them.  He hates tech, but if he can Zoom me, he ought to be able to do that.  Fingers crossed.

I was reading last night and noticed so much of what would normally interest me is lost now.  I can read about politics but no one to talk about them with.  My Psychology Today is a lot about interactions with people in the world or your partner.  Things I would also share with Steve or a friend.  When those are gone, it’s really a downer to read.  It feels like my life is over already.  I’m just taking up space and have no meaning at all.  Which gets back to what you said, Kay.  I know your sister annoys you at times, but it’s a way you are needed.  It’s so lonely not feeling that anymore, ever.  Steve not asking while I’m out would I mind picking up something for him.  Friends I had wanting stuff from the price club.  Me being able to ask someone for something because they were going someplace I normally didn’t.  Regular life.  I don’t know what to call this.  I just feel old and useless.  A money machine for the med community.  Too overwhelmed to find out if fixing some problems might spur some interest back into living.  
 

off to this meeting.  One time I’d like to feel positive vibes, but those disappeared when I lost ball my good docs.
 

 

 

 

[kayc]

It was different when I was working as I had more interaction and it consumed so many hours a day, I welcomed the solitude.  What's hard is not having that person to do things with, to talk to.  I don't much like politics because I don't know what to trust/believe anymore, not much!  I like things more concrete, things I can control.    Like my health.   Only there's some things we can't control about that either.

 

[Gwenivere]

I liked talking politics with Steve.  We were on the same page.  Gets dicey with people you don’t agree with.  
 

was hoping for a less annoying med day.  Oh no, not to be!  Found out.I have to get a med assessment exam to get on the back surgery schedule.  Did that last year.  Came out as high risk but doable.  I really don’t want this surgery, but I want to be on the list if it becomes crippling which is pretty close.  

I was checking on my anxiety meds being called in after talking to the shrink yesterday and he only called in 1 3 month supply with no refills.  He was talking about making changes down the line wanting to drop one of them.  Changing antidepressants and other stuff.  I’m so frustrated.   All this crap deepens my depression.  Especially him now contemplating change.  The last thing I need is more change in med crap.  My daily living could use change, but not this.  I feel like begging and pleading with.the docs to please stop doing this to me.  They always ask if I want to 'harm myself' and I want to say....you keep this up and I will.  
 

Got a rep for a scheduling a Medicare wellness check.  He tells me it can be be done virtually with my doc.  My doc said I couldn’t.  So he left them a message saying it can.  He also gave me a get around these 45 minute waits. 
 

 I’m so done with today’s reality and still have to face a shower which will kill me for sitting around all day on the phone.  I’m still no further ahead on getting a surgery date.  No call back from that clinic.  

Dishwasher not fixed.  Am told it should leave a bit of water at the bottom.  Guy couldn’t find anyway in it was coming from.  I give up on this.  I’m done.  He watch if it overflows onto the floor and got the usual water pressure talk.  What  a frigging wasted day topped off by a tense shower.  Drive around the block essentially just to break up being in these walls.  Felt kinda dumb, but I had to get out.  
 

I saw a totally blind guy yesterday in great spirits.  He just needed help picking out his items and then he was fine.  Saw him crossing the street when I left.  Thought how his life must be so different as he can’t use pc's like we do, TV, drive or get dressed without a system.  Truly living in darkness but he had spirit.  I wish I could have asked where he got it. At least for a short time I felt some gratitude.  We have chirping sounds at major traffic lights to let them know which direction the light is green.  
 

Bummed out over this virus variant.  They are calling it covid 2121 as opposed to covid 2019.  Now they are talking another shot.  Just when we were getting some hope.
 

 

 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The last thing I need is more change in med crap.

Did you TELL him that?  Your reasoning sounds valid to me, tell him you need to do one thing at a time, and you want to focus on your back right now.  That is more than enough!  I wish doctors would take into consideration OUR views/feelings!

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Bummed out over this virus variant.  They are calling it covid 2121 as opposed to covid 2019.  Now they are talking another shot.

I am starting to fast forward everything...makes for watching the news quickly!  I don't see anything worth immersing my time in.  All it does is add anxiety.  I don't want to hear about fires, Covid, politics and not interested in sports.  That leaves local news, which no one seems to cover anymore, gone are journalists, instead all they seem to print is the Associated Press.

I checked on Peggy yesterday, let her see Kodie.  She'd just done her laundry so I helped her fold clothes. (She hung them in the kitchen.)  She didn't have to be on oxygen the last couple of days as her reading was 94.  I took mine and it was 96, not bad for being off my inhaler for months now!  I still have the tongue lesions and throat sores.  Not interested in seeing a host of doctors for years for it with no answers as my friend has done, guess I'll just live with it, at least it doesn't hurt as much, still get the canker sores in my mouth now and then that bother me, it's all related.  Someone told me, "You were on the inhalers for 16 years, maybe the side effects doesn't clear up that quickly."  Maybe

Peggy said she was going to vacuum after I left.  She seemed in positive spirits.  I mentioned her improvement, she didn't think so, I told her it's hard to notice as you go through it so gradually as to seem imperceptible, but she's improved tremendously from days 1 & 2 where she sat there unable to move, in excruciating pain!  I just don't think she remembers.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Truly living in darkness but he had spirit.  I wish I could have asked where he got it.

I think it's an inner thing, a choice, like why some people are happy and some are depressed.  I don't think it's totally circumstance-based.  If that were so, why are some people happy/positive when they've been through the fire, so to speak?! 

[Gwenivere]

The news is totally downer stuff now.  It wasn’t good before, that’s what makes news, but there were more upbeat issues to report on.  Every now and then I hear something the prez is doing that is positive.  I’ve noticed the nightly news throws in a positive report on something now at the end.  I’ve taken to very low volume in case there is something I’m interested in and only my full attention on the weather.  
 

Yesterday was a total push my back to the limit day.  I knew it would be hard being a shower day, but the useless repair appointment stressed md out and then the power went out for a couple of hours which meant hobbling around the house lighting candles.  My power failure TV had lost most its charge so lasted only a few minutes.  My little DVD player didn’t like the disk in it.  They said it would be out til this afternoon so didn’t know how I was going to sleep without an alarm.  I’ve done that before by mistake and woken up throwing my Med schedule and me off for the day.  
 

have a call into the DW guy to explain some things he told me that don’t make sense now that I think about them.  Tried to schedule a pre surgery check and of course the person is gone today.  I’m barely getting around and need to get food for the weekend.  Cleaning the birdcage about did me in.  Have a counseling session which is sitting for an hour on a hard chair.  Sitting in general feels better but makes activity worse.  
 

it’s getting old not being able to get comfortable.  I’ve been too cool or warm all day.  I want to do my errands but also don’t.  I know it means pain.  Gonna try and get thru another day.  Just want it to be dark and I can retreat to my ways in the loneliness.

[kayc]

I hope you hear back about your dishwasher, Gwen.  I still can't adjust to my new glasses but I think something about how they're sitting on me, my eyes aren't focusing on the same part of the progressive lenses at the same time.Maybe an adjustment will help.  So exhausted, I don't want to do another 120 mile round trip!  Ugh.

Now I find out my sister thinks she may have broken her hand (I doubt it's broken but she has injured it) and she doesn't want to go to the doctor for it.  I reminded her of when she broke her foot a few years ago and refused to go to the doctor, it's bothered her ever since.  It's this kind of crap that drives me nuts.

[Gwenivere]

I doubt I’ll hear anything back on the dishwasher.  At this point I’m more concerned about my walking, or lack of, and lower leg swelling.  Plus other conditions.  I’d like to have the edema seen in person, but all the urgent cares are booked so long wait walks in as well as distance.  I just want to scream about how crippled this making me.  I don’t know if my insurance will cover one close to me, and the last thing I want to do is call them.  I called one semi close to me and they did accept my insurance.  But I don’t want to wait around all the booked in line appointments.  Got it in my mind today I might have a DVT.  This is what being so alone does. Have to force myself to stop reading stuff online.  I know if I called the on call doc they’d day go to the ER if I’m that concerned.  They’re so slammed with the uptick of covid variants that I’d be really low priority.  
 

As per usual, things I usually count on are mucked already this weekend.  My Sunday chat has to be today and tomorrow morning and much shorter as the woman is seeing an old friend tomorrow.  It never made my world, but it did give me something more on the long weekend.  
 

Don’t know what to do as usual with the day.  Going to get gas.  That will use up maybe 20 minutes.  I sat outside to throw Mel’s ball and we had a squirrel interloper.  Think he got off on teasing her.  

Kay hope you don’t lose it with your sister!
 

 

[kayc]

I can't wear my new glasses, my left eye hurts constanting, like it's strained severely, wore them for nine days "trying to get used to them" nope it's not happening!  I need to go back in (great, another 120 mile round trip) and they need redone.  Grr!  Why couldn't anything just go right!  So tired of continual struggles.  My sister now says she thinks her hand is broken in several places then later said she exaggerated for effect.  Yeah, sick of it!  My other sister and I think it's probably arthritis and she just has diarrhea of the mouth.  Yeah, like she needs to dump something more on me.  Wait until I have to start hauling her to appts. constantly, it's going to pile the miles on my car, cost a fortune, and more time away from Kodie.  She needs to hire someone to spell me.

[Gwenivere]

I tried sleeping last night in my alternate position as I want to take a shower later.  Turns out either that or a store trip I endured yesterday started the day with more pain than usual.  Don’t hae anything to do this afternoon, but sitting is a catalyst too.  I truly hate being a full time victim.  I know it would wear on others as it already does me.  I don’t exaggerate, if anything I downplay it a bit which is not good mentally.  As I’ve written, telling the docs creates more stress for things to do that they don’t factor inability to walk into.  I dread the week starting up as it means  medical crap to deal with.  Even counseling is not something I look forward to.  It always comes down to crying and really seeing how alone I am.  Worst, that I can’t do anything about it while trapped in this medical mess.  
 

I’ve taken a good look at how deep the depression is and see it is from this.  I was depressed before, but not to this extreme that it scares me.  My anxiety meds are making me feel over drugged because I’m so tired.  I can’t cut them back as I am dependent on them.  Used to feel pretty invincible in the afternoons years ago.  Now I can barely talk with people.  I don’t want to.  I have nothing to say or desire to be social.  That is the opposite of who I am.  What do you do when you don’t even like being around yourself?   My inner critic wants to just scream at me to do something, tho I have no idea what.  
 

So I weigh out how to handle this day.  The minutes dragging by and not knowing how much I can trust my body.  Or mind.  I so want to reach out to someone but that even feels overwhelming.  I forced myself to call my cousin last night and couldn’t get off the phone fast enough.  I’m in hell and don’t have a clue how to handle it.  All the protocols for 'help' have big price tags and are experimental.  The surgery isn’t, but the outcome would be unknown.  So stuck in major recovery for another unknown.  No turning back on that one.  Now I’m getting redundant, the norm lately.  I don’t even know if I’ll make it to the church for dinner.  I’m toying with the idea of showering first.  That could deplete my small pain threshold.  It’s my only chance to connect with other humans.  Gawd, this is a mess.  

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I don’t know how you do all the long treks you do.  I can’t fathom my typical tasks taking that kind of time and distance.  We were different people of course, but I can’t imagine anywhere I would want to be that required that kind of investment.  I miss the small town feel in my area and wildlife.  But I can’t imagine the major stuff I need so far away.  
 

I’m glad it works for you.  Sorry your sister is adding to what free time you have.  Does she ever talk about her husband?  I know it becomes about how we react to the major loss, but you haven’t mentioned if she is feeling grief about him, not just  what he did for her.  

[kayc]

Peggy and Bert didn't have a romantic kind of love, never did, but there's no doubt in my mind that he loved her, he showed it in different ways as many men do.  I used to try to point it out to her but she never understood until he was gone.  Yes she misses him, we talk about him.  I think I miss him as much as she does.  Sad but I don't know how deeply she has the ability to appreciate, it's evident re: her assumption that others do for her.  Still having conversations about her getting a caregiver.  She's a difficult person to inherit care for!  My other sisters think because she's sweet natured she's easy to do for.  They should try it then.  She's anything but easy, she was always this way but dementia has just added all the more.

I told Polly that what Peggy tells her is different from what she tells me, Polly said she realized that and questioned her about her "broken hand" and Peggy said she exaggerated for effect.  Well QUIT it then!  I am saturated with it!

This is my place of peace, I love it here, to me it is very worth the trade offs but it's the trips I hate, esp. for someone else and also the unnecessary ones.  By my way of looking at it, if Peggy had dealt with her macular degeneration when she should have, I wouldn't have all of that facing me!  And now I'll have to make four trips instead of the two I already made for my own glasses, that is frustrating.  Other people's mistakes cost ME, not them!

[Gwenivere]

I'm so tired of this hell I reside in.  The pain is so bad.  The depression crushing.   Trying to get on the surgery schedule is so difficult for someone who can’t walk well as it is and inflexible hours.  I got an appointment for August just to be assessed if I can have the surgery.  Procedures are then set weeks after that.   Got thru to the IRS to find out my return hasn’t even been processed for some problem the agent didn’t know and could be months before I see my refund.  This isn’t chump change. In the meantime Sears delivered another frigging valve the last tech didn’t replace and took with him.  I have a message to call the back surgeon where I plan on asking how someone is expected to live with this.  I know I’m getting nerve damage.  My legs jerk and are so painful.  I know there is arterial probs too.  The anxiety disorder prevents me from taking earlier appointments in the day which might get me in faster.  All of this wouldn’t be so overwhelming if that wasn’t in my life.  I miss having a safe person to help me deal with the mental side of this and physically help me by being there.  I hate living in fear.  If something happens that requires emergency help I’m at a loss.  If Melody needed help I can’t do anything, if I fell I don’t know if I could get back up, I can barely do the basics around here anymore.  My options are all reliant on alert buttons, 911 and a mobile vet as I couldn’t get her to one on my own.  I don’t know what I’m boring you all with this again.  
 

I had a Zoom grief group last night and it dragged me down further.  Presentations of people’s partners just made me see how much they/I’ve lost.  I walked away feeling emptier than usual.  Told them I wasn’t going to share Steve because I knew it would drag me deeper into this darkness.  
 

Sat outside doing Mel’s ball.  The backyard is so beautiful but dead now.  Just like me.  I truly don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.  
 

talk to a counselor this afternoon.  Guess it’s time to tell him I’ve reached that point.

[kayc]

Gwen, Thinking of you...wishing there were something I could say or do to help, I know you must feel the same, wishing some way back from this crushing oppression, that surely must feel how it is...so unfair, to say the least.

Still working on my BP.  Other people who eat and live like I do get off their BP Rxs, not me.   Kind of frustrating.  I hate being on the medications as it raises my BS.  I guess I'm always in that catch-22.

Don't know what I'd do without little Kodie, he is the bright spot in my day, thank God for him!

[widow'15]

23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I miss having a safe person to help me deal with the mental side of this and physically help me by being there.  I hate living in fear.  If something happens that requires emergency help I’m at a loss.  If Melody needed help I can’t do anything, if I fell I don’t know if I could get back up, I can barely do the basics around here anymore.  My options are all reliant on alert buttons, 911 and a mobile vet as I couldn’t get her to one on my own.  I don’t know what I’m boring you all with this again.  

Gwen:  Like kayc stated, I too wish there was something that could be done to help you get through this tough time.  Don't feel you are boring us, we are here to allow you to vent your fears.  At least you have set up options of reliance, i.e., alert buttons, mobile vet and 911.  In spite of your pain, your brain sounds like it is working for you.  I haven't been chiming in lately, cause my brain is drained of what I should be doing next.  Still trying to get everything out of this house.  It is slow going, cause I can only do a small amount of packing.  As I look back at "my plan" I should have started two years ago.  Please know I am thinking of you and Mel.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

I feel for you too, Kay and Dee. These afflictions can complicate each other.  I know dealing with 6 of them.  I’m really limited on meds because of interactions, not that I want to take a lot of them.  I’ve had so many trials and errors I since if they bring up another.  Most times I don’t even bother anymore.  It’s gotten to be almost non productive looking for help as it’s either meds with side effects or procedures I can’t get to from pain.  So I sit here wondering what’s the point anymore?  
 

I got a message from the back doc saying I had to see a particular doc for surgery assessment.  That is 8/4 in 3 weeks.  They did say they would put me in the schedule for 8/18.  I’m still so scared and torn despite every move I make making my body scream.  The depression it’s created that is devouring me.  
 

Melody keeps me going too, but I can’t even give her the attention she fully needs. Thankfully dogs are very forgiving and accepting.  
 

I’m getting oxygen delivered today and I need my generator looked at.  I’m so darned frustrated with these windows of wait time.  I have a video counseling session and don’t want to be interrupted.  I want to take my sanity drive.  Then a shower and I’m so tired of our time being thought of as just blank.  I know there are unforeseen circumstances, but with docs you’d better be on time.  I wish it worked the other way around.  I pay them enough after insurance to expect narrower windows.  I was told it would be by 3 and now they say they have no notes to the driver to that effect.  Do they just tell us this stuff to get us off the phone?  Like placating a child?  That’s how I feel, but I’m not a child.  Even if I didn’t need him to come inside, they won’t exchange the portable tanks without a signature.  What’s the big deal?  Just switch them, they’re right in the carport.  So now I’m waiting on a call back on where he is to know where my time is estimated.  They still control it. Latest is message into driver, he should have called by now so they will lodge a complaint with the manager.  Yippie, not.  Now there’s a chance he will show during my counseling which is very emotional.  

I sat outside tossing Mel’s ball.  Coming back inside was killer.  I don’t know what I’m going to say in counseling.  All I feel is done. Done with everything.  I’m supposed to give myself credit for going despite the challenge.  That doesn’t ring true as I have no choice.  I bitched at one of my neighbors friends who every time he comes over creates noise.  He thrives on it.  He’s not all mentally there, but today I was fed up with his revving a car engine.  If it’s not that it’s yard tools.  all this stress is now spilling out to places from utter frustration.  

also found out yesterday the IRS  hasn’t processed my return for ‘some  problem'.  My COA said she heard there are people who still haven’t had their 2019 ones done.  It’s been sitting there for months.   The last time I called I was told everything was fine and I would have my refund by now. They must have found something and sent it to limbo.  They said it could take months.  This isn’t chump change.  I’ve had some hefty bills I’d like to recoup.  
 

it’s another day I just feel the walls closing in on me.  My world just keeps getting smaller.  I have no plans that involve human contact for days after counseling today.  So until Sunday I have to prepare for the worst nightmarish days.  I don’t function or think well in isolation and drives are but mobile ones.  I feel bad that I’m a poor dog mom too.  It’s constant fear something will happen that requires me to react and not knowing if I can anymore.