My Sanity Needed Vents

[widow'15]

Gwen:  More decisions to make all alone - so sorry.  Wish I had some wise words to help you with your decision.  You sound like you have thought of all that surgery will entail and what will happen if you don't.  I feel confident you will choose what will be the best for you. 

Keeping you in my thoughts.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

Can't put what they mean.  Maybe southern thing.  Just personal initialism.  Can't call it an acronym.  If you don't/didn't have time for a full shower or bath you would do a PTA bath.  

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm sorry I didn't see your post until now, had quite a rough day yesterday.  I'm glad you made it through the first part, hoping for the right decision to be made.  I wish there was a magic pill to bring you calm...

More snow coming this weekend and next week, can't wait for winter to be behind us again.

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I figured it out.  As to do, in more refined language, underarms, breasts and derrière.  😁

[Margm]

Sorry  Gwen, I've never been a refined lady.  I think I absolutely heard the PTA bath from my mom.  I told my last apartment manager and she thought it was so funny I had to  tell everyone that came in.  It is a terrible thing to say.  But, I still say "laig, aig, surp, aints" and a lot more my part of the country dialect.  Bless my heart.

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

Can't put what they mean.  Maybe southern thing.

If you don't/didn't have time for a full shower or bath you would do a PTA bath.  

Marg:  I think it is an "age" thing. LOL  I'm from the south but the first time I heard it was I living in the PN West.  Gwen is too young.  First time I heard it was from my silly SIL.  Always welcome your humor.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Sure hide that accent well in your posts, Marg.  🙂. Not noticeable at all!

Too young, Dee?  Wow, that’s a first for me except at the nursing home.  Wish I didn’t feel a decade older.  

[Margm]

I love you Gwen and Dee.  I would make you run for the mountains if you heard my southern drawl for long.  

[widow'15]

Marg:  Nope - I miss the Southern Drawl.  When I'd visit New Orleans (where I grew up) it would take about 20 minutes and I'd be sounding like all my relatives again.  When I first moved up here I would get lots of teasing, and marrying a North westerner I gradually picked up his family's way of talking.  I know I'd understand every word you spoke.  Dee

[Margm]

I think a little bit closer to Heaven we get ,we clean up our language some.  You gotta get me very angry to say "effing" anything and saying Jesus or God in a mean sentence is out of the question.  Those two have always been off my list.  And my "drawl" is not a pretty drawl, it is more a redneck southern chattering with some Y'all's thrown in.  I even notice my English professor cousin and all my sister lacked was a dissertation (not sure what that is, not gonna look it up), finishing her PhD.  But, she prefers politics that everyone down here in the south do not agree with.  I am too old to even join the gray panthers, if they still are in operation. 

My daughter is going to have to have plasmapheresis and she gives me ideas she has about living in her car, and some other off the wall delights.  Yet, I don't worry enough about her illness.  

Right this minute I am missing those old high roof southern homes under the big trees and the little room in the back of the house where they kept the mentally challenged person in the family.  I think I could handle that room all by myself right now.  

[Gin]

Marg,  no room for any of us to join you.?

[Gwenivere]

I had to lookup that procedure, used for fighting autoimmune problems.  Living in her car? What’s that all about, if I may ask?  

I swear like a sailor, always have since I worked as a tech with all guys.  I have to be careful on the phone and public places.  There are a few choice words I never use tho.  God is in there a lot tho.  It just spills out.  One of my dogs steps on my oxygen tubing constantly pulling it from my face and the ***dam-it pours out.  I hate the C word and MF.   Odd to have principles about swearing, eh?  

[KarenK]

I also swear like a sailor, Gwen. I have all my life, which is funny because I was not raised that way at all. But then, I wasn't raised to be a rebel or a tomboy either. I preferred Hopalong Cassidy to Barbie. Still do😊

[Margm]

Kelli does not handle things carefully some times.  Funny thing about the south.  If your horse did not ride far enough in the old days you might marry your  cousin.

Will add some more since that happened.  Scott and Kelli are going to get an apartment to share.  Answer to my prayers.  Will have to put that ankle bracelet on Kelli's leg or she will be driving off to Wyoming, Montana, or New York state on a wild bug in her head.  I'm telling you, sometimes she is a source of worry for me.   

Addendum:  Like I said, I would not say GD or use Jesus's name.  But I did not talk nice.  The odd thing is, until I was 17-18 I might let some words slip out..  Billy's family cursed like everyone of them lived on a submarine.  I picked it up pretty soon.  Now I have grandchildren, great grands, and somehow now I'm supposed to be the Virgin Mary.  "Don't talk like that around Mama" and I'm thinking "where did that come from, I've always heard cursing.  But now that is  the way it is again.  I honestly am not a Hallmark watching old lady.  I like blood and guts sometimes.  Someone will ask me was there much bad language in a film and honestly, I am immune to the stuff now and I can't remember.  Like I said, in "The Outlander" I figured 25 pages for one sexual encounter was a little much.  I did put the critique on Amazon and right above or below me was a 70+ year old woman praising the sexual  content.  I don't know about her, but they won't let me have estrogen.  What would I do with it anyhow, buy "Grace and Frankie's" toys for women with arthritis?  I think I'll shut up now..

[Gwenivere]

I forgot about Jesus and I do say that name a lot in frustration.  Good thing he is supposed to be a forgiving guy.  😁

[Margm]

I've told this story a hundred times.  Grandma was married at 15.  Seven kids in 10 years, then cancer, early 30's, maybe younger,  The instrument left in caused blood poisoning (sepsis) and they called the family in.  All tiny kids.  My grandfather "Daddy Wise" cursed God from Plain Dealing to Shreveport.  Mama watched for lightening bolts.  She was so scared. He would shake his fist at Heaven and curse some more.  Sometimes prayer is accepted because you believe in something enough to curse it even.  Grandma outlived him about 30 miserable, missing him years.  Sometime harsh prayers are heard.  (Bible spoken here, my belief).  

[Gwenivere]

I scheduled the MRI the neurosurgeon wants done.  I keep asking myself why.  I guess I want to know how much worse this has gotten and if I consider it, it’s out of the way.  I don’t think I will get lucky as in it isn’t worse.  If that were the case then it would mean this is a flare up that could go back to livable.  The thought of being sent back to the rehab I was at for 2-3 weeks crushes me mentally.  No one involved with this, the docs or nurses, have experienced what that is like.  I also am thinking that anyone having any kind of serious surgery is very vulnerable with the virus that is shutting down cities.  I’m over 60, still recovering from the last stay so it’s more risky.  

I saw my grief counselor today.  It was much needed as I spent over 2 hours on the phone yesterday with my insurance as things were so messed up as bills come in that I shouldn’t have to pay.  Hoping the rep I had is as good as she sounded as she saw the mistakes and is going to try and expedite them as well as getting me refunds on out of pocket since my deductable would be met.  She first said send in the receipts but I said that’s nuts!  You have the info in the computer because you denied it.  I’m not gonna dig out all that stuff to send you what you already have.  Send me a check when you straighten out the mess.  What good are computers if we still have to do snail mail and copies?  I was so frustrated at times I know that worsened my back.  Plus sitting all that time.  I had a phone session with my therapist that I felt was wasted because all this was on my mind to vent about.  I needed to talk about new feelings about Steve and didn’t get to much when I realized my time had mostly ticked away.  Lesson learned, don’t combine business with emotion on certain days.  I had to go out for a drive just to try and knock back feeling so cooped up.

what I came to see is if he were here, he would say do it.  Knowing he and our life were here, I would.  Probably said that before.  I also get told by the docs if the pain was less I would mentally feel better, which is true.  But to get there? That’s the nightmare and no guarantees.  

Tonight I am listening to the pain.  Trying to live in the limits.  I want to shower, but I climbed stairs to counseling and shopped at 2 stores.  Have no plans tomorrow except a phone call so will try then.  I can’t wait for my housekeeper to get here Friday as the bed linens are a month old.  That will mean heavy laundry but I don’t care.  I want a fresh bed.  I almost bought a corned beef today, but as good as it sounds and would surely smell and taste, I’d be cutting it up to freeze without sharing that first dinner with Steve.  Sounds silly, but those little things matter so much.  Just like if I did the surgery....we would do some big blow out dinner the night before knowing I was going to be awhile to do that again.  Babble off.  I’ve used more space again to moan and groan.  

How do the little traditions of holidays like st. Patty’s day affect anyone?  We all know about the big ones.

 

[MartyT]

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

How do the little traditions of holidays like st. Patty’s day affect anyone?  We all know about the big ones.

 

Gwen:  So sorry to read of your battle with your insurance company and your appointments.  Seems they never seem to be easy for you.  I was wondering how you were feeling about surgery just now.  Would it be possible to maybe wait until all of this virus scare in over ?

Unfortunately, St. Patty's Day is my big one ---- one of those big time triggers for me.  Since 2015 I have dreaded March 17 yearly.  That was the day my husband had bladder surgery in hopes of prolonging his life, only to pass a clot and have a heart attack the night before he was to come home on April 8, 2015.   I would be happy not to see shamrocks and green ever again.

Best thoughts going out to you as you run all these choices through your mind.  Hugs, Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

There is no way I would have any procedure that requires hospital stay while this virus is active.  Too risky and people assume they are sterile when they are worse than crowds or stores.  

I'm so sorry that this holiday has such a devastating meaning for you.  People forget that any and every day there are people suffering and fighting cancer and other horrible things.  I can’t imagine how you felt thinking you were going to go home together.  Very big hugs to you, Dee.  ❤️

[KarenK]

Gwen, you are on my heart as you face this tough decision.  Is there any possibility that your New Mexico cousin could come and stay with you during recovery if you decide to have the surgery?I

Dee, I'm sorry this holiday has such horrible memories for you. Cinco De Mayo is that way for me as Ron died that day. St. Patrick's used to bring wonderful corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes that he would fix and wearing green to avoid being pinched(during working days). Just an ordinary day now one day before my uneventful, lonely birthday.

[kayc]

Dee, I'm sorry St. Pattie's Day comes with memories/triggers for you.  Even though there's Irish in my blood we never celebrated any traditions (mostly English although I feel/look more Irish).

Gwen, I'm sorry you had quite a day of it.  I know that all too well...just spent the last couple of hours on the phone with Dr's office (they tabled my request for a preauth three months ago, God knows why) and CVS Caremark who out of three people I talked to (plus the voice thing) all told me something different.  Grr!  I hear ya, it's very frustrating and it seems customer service is a thing of the past.

I can't have the potatoes but Corned Beef and Cabbage sounds wonderful!

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen, you are on my heart as you face this tough decision.  Is there any possibility that your New Mexico cousin could come and stay with you during recovery if you decide to have the surgery?I

Dee, I'm sorry this holiday has such horrible memories for you. Cinco De Mayo is that way for me as Ron died that day. St. Patrick's used to bring wonderful corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes that he would fix and wearing green to avoid being pinched(during working days). Just an ordinary day now one day before my uneventful, lonely birthday.

My cousin has offered many times, but she has so many medical conditions, I would always be tense I would be rushing her to the ER.  She basically is stable, but she could have a flare up of something and she tends to fall a lot.  I can’t take on that responsibility when I can hardly move myself.  I’d be too worried.  

I’m so sorry, Karen, that another holiday that is for most a happy, fun time is now a dark marker.  And so close to your birthday.  My birthday always falls in Thanksgiving week, sometimes the same day.  Those are the 'best' as I can get 2 things over at once.  Our worlds are so shifted now.  I try to turn a blind eye to decorations and ads, but you really can’t.  They just keep coming too.  I pass the card aisles sometimes and see the birthday cards and a particular Snoopy one I know Steve would get for me.  I bought it myself but had to take it back.  Don’t know what I was thinking there.  Can’t pretend he gave it to me.  We, at least I, do odd things at times.  Have to actually make sure I don’t go down that aisle at my pharmacy after decades of doing so to check out the new stuff for upcoming holidays.  

I had a dream this morning I was n the the phone with my mother.  She couldn’t hear me and I woke the dogs yelling MOM! Into the dream phone.  Another painful loss on waking.

got the census form today.  I’m wondering how you fill out your half a person. 😢

[widow'15]

Gwen, kayc, Karen, Gin, and Kieron : Thank you for sharing your wishes for St. Paddies Day.  It does help lessen the pain of the hole in my heart to hear people actually care about loss and triggers even though it is nearing the 5 year anniversary.  I know I will make it through March 17th and April 8th just as I have these past years.  Who knows, some March 17th in the future  I  might even decide to eat a corned beef and cabbage dinner to celebrate I have survived.  I know my husband would want me to survive.  Just not this year. 😢

Karen, I loved your sharing your Ron cooking corned beef dinner and wearing green so not to get pinched made me smile.  My Bob loved to cook too, so kept me well fed whenever he had a new recipe to try.  

Gwen, good to hear you will choose to wait for any surgery just now.   I thought I heard on the radio as I drove home from picking up my groceries earlier that some hospitals, not sure which states, would probably be eliminating elective surgeries for a while. 

Again, thanks for caring and do enjoy your corned beef and cabbage dinners.  Hugs,  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Had an absolutely wasted, useless and frustrating day.   A mental health nurse did an assessment, spent over an hour talking to Direct TV and went to Urgent Care and got no help on my edema.  The assessment were questions I’ve answered so many times and she was going to put together suggestions to get me more social which angered me,  I am old enough to find those myself.  I don’t know if this will be worth it.  I’ll give her one more shot.  DTV couldn’t fix my minor problem and wants to upgrade my DVR which means losing all the stuff I’ve recorded over the last year. So that’s a no go.  Urgent Care just scratched thier heads not knowing where to send me as I’ve had so many tests to rule things out.  I tried to send a fax to my CPA last night and it’s missing an update so it wouldn’t work.  I have to hook the phone line to it so that meant pulling it out to find that out.  Good thing I had a glass of wine, had it been daytime I would have thrown the thing across the room.

What bothers me the most is I am turning into a hostile person.  I’m always telling everyone I deal with it’s not personal, but I can’t help it.  I don’t like being this way.  I miss my nice self.  I have that MRI hanging over me Saturday and they gave me pain meds for laying in there, but I don’t want to take them as I have to drive when done.  Will have to remove all my jewelry which is a pain.  Hobble in as there is no one there to bring a wheelchair and the thought of that depresses me anyway.  The only good thing tomorrow is I get a clean house and linens.  Have to do tasks I missed today from all the wasted time.  

Just wish something would go right.  Wish if I have to deal with these things I had a partner.  Maybe my dream about my mom was wishing I could talk to her.  Moms are so great, if you had a great one like I did, of making things OK, even tho they couldn’t fix them.  There was a safety in her arms.  Just like I had with Steve.  I want to be that nice person again so much.  I lost enough of me when he left and at least retained that thru the pain.

back to reality.  Raining tonight.  Seems appropriate and going to be very cold for the weekend.  I’m changing my name to Hop A Long or Festus from Gunsmoke.  I need a warning sign too for the innocents I run into.