My Sanity Needed Vents

[Kieron]

I'm with Gwen, here.  My problems pale into insignificance in comparison to either of you.  It all sounds unbearable.  I don't even know what to say.  😶

[kayc]

Good news is, when I made my decision to let go...

My BP was 118/73 this morning!

[Gwenivere]

That you said something helps, Kieron.   We can’t compare really.  All of our struggles are the biggest battle for that person.  What I love here is that we all validate that for each other.  ❤️
 

Kay, I’m glad you are taking care of you now.  You did your best, now you need to turn that onto you.  

[kayc]

Peggy putting great pressure on me, wants me for her slave/handmaiden, no!  I'm fighting back against it, but it's more stress I don't need.

While she was gone yesterday I bought dinner and put it in her refrigerator, took her garbages out, cleaned the vomit off her floor from Tuesday, washed the dishes, counter, sinks, etc.  Instead of being happy with what I DID do, she started pressuring me that night to keep driving her.  NO!  I cannot.  I've explained time and again her need to HIRE a caregiver, that she has a LOT of appts. in her future, I cannot afford to keep piling the mileage on my car, she thinks paying for gas is sufficient, but there's depreciation, maintenance, wear and tear on the car, my oil changes are 3 1/2 times what my former Civic cost, and now the gov't is talking about billing us PER MILE to pay for infrastructure!  NO, NO, NO!!!

I went to the doctor yesterday, good news, he thinks it'll heal although he said if he'd seen it that first night he would have sent me to the ER for testing (another trip out of town and I can't drive at night), because he'd never seen a finger go totally white and ice cold with purple bands around the knuckles/joints!  Now it just looks swollen and purple.  It's still cold but there is some pink at the tip so that's a good sign.

Peggy never even thanked me for the soup I brought.  It's like she thinks I SHOULD just do all this!  No.  I do not owe her anything.  She said, "But you are YOUNGER than me!"  What the hell has that got to do anything!  I told her at my age (actually the last 28 years) she just SAT in her chair and read or talked on the phone.  Seriously.  No cleaning, nothing.  Nothing says I'm her slave because I'm her sister.  She didn't even bring me to the hospital when my husband was dying, choosing instead to go gamble at the casino (I'd ridden to the coast with her for sisters' weekend, not knowing my husband would have a heart attack).  It was TWO DAYS before she took me to the hospital and dropped me off...I never got to have that "last conversation" with him.  She tried to rewrite history about that, I would not let her.

[MartyT]

56 minutes ago, kayc said:

Nothing says I'm her slave because I'm her sister. 

Unless you lead her to believe that, dear Kay. I hope you will stick to your guns. As long as you are there for her to manipulate and rely upon for her every need, she doesn't have to find someone else. I don't for a moment mean to imply that saying "no" is easy for you ~ especially since you are such a caring, giving person ~ but there comes a time when you must say "enough"! Your sister may not have anyone else to take care of her (except you) ~ but you don't have anyone else to take care of YOU either (except you). Your first responsibility is to take care of YOU. And if you need all of us to keep reminding you of that, we are here to do that, and we are pulling for YOU. ❤️

[Kieron]

[Gwenivere]

You really are on a dilemma between family and being taken advantage of.  I’ve seen it with other people too and how it tears them up, but it with guilt or anger.  You are only responsible for you.  Everything else/one is a choice.  That you are still helping says you haven’t totally turned your back.  It’s good you are setting boundaries on things that seriously affect your time and finances.  I’ve never had to do it, so my opinion is pretty useless.  Not that you asked for ones.  I just hope you can get out from the stress.  Having thing hoist on you wasn’t fair, but as you told me when it started, how do you turn away from family?  
 

I’m glad your finger is showing signs of recovery, tho slowly.  That could be reason enough to turn down tasks.  It’s the dementia that complicates things too.  
 

I wish I could offer more then this.........❤️

[Gwenivere]

This isn’t a religious commentary, just something that happened to me yesterday while out getting groceries.  I had gotten back to my car when I realized I needed to go back in for the bathroom.  The people next to me were getting into their van.  One man came over to me when I stood up in obvious pain and said 'If Jesus could remove your pain, I bet you would believe in him'.  Of course I said yes, wholeheartedly.  He put his hand lightly on my lower back and said I prayer I guess.  I wasn’t offended but trying to figure out how he knew I didn’t believe in that.  Anyway, it didn’t work.  Sure wish it would have.  
 

I saw a young woman walking in that had hair exactly like mine was decades ago.  It looked great, longer and blonde streaked.  Missed having my now shorter, dull grey, dark and pinned up.  
 

We're having the storm before the next heatwave.  Love these low 70 temps.  90’s by late week.  Ugh.  I already feel sick from pain most of the time, that makes it worse.  
 

It’s another dreaded weekend.  Of course stuff came in the mail that requires phone calls and all the places are closed.  I hate seeing a red tape pile waiting for Monday.  Have no idea what to do today, the worst day.  I have stuff I want to do, but I know it will hurt and I’m so worn out on it.  Going to the Dollar Store used to be fun.  Get goodies for a couple of buddies, look around, stock up on Mel’s canned chicken.  Now it’s get in and out.  Too hard to browse what’s new.  I now have a designated path to my stuff.  After all these years I’m still missing date night.  No picking out what to wear.  Lipstick useless.  Loading up the furry kids as they always came checking out what leftovers awaited when we got home.  The tortilla chip teaser for the drive home.  We’d split up to change and meet in the living room for TV or a movie.  Maybe SNL.  All gone.  All of them gone.  That’s the worst.  Always will be.  Being summer I miss Sunday BBQ night.  I read the ads and remember getting BOGO free of chicken or steaks.   Steve’s prep to set up his little haven to cook for his family.  He was so proud bringing in the platter.  Didn’t have to pretend we were thrilled.  I’m haven’t had corn on the cob since he left, took 2 of us to hold one for the girls who were adept at getting it off.  It was always who gets who as one was more aggressive with her teeth.  I don’t know why I write this stuff, it’s just depressing.  Oh yeah, I have nothing to do otherwise but stare out the window wondering how to kill another day.  My daily challenge as soon as I wake up and think of the dressing routine which used to be just put some clothes on.  Had to get going with our day.  
 

Been watching the foot traffic go by with sense of purpose.  Forget what that feels like.

[kayc]

On 8/7/2021 at 10:37 AM, MartyT said:

there comes a time when you must say "enough"!

I reached that point after the helluva day I had Wednesday, injuring my finger clinched it.  I told her I CANNOT!  Her neighbor called me last night while I was in the middle of preparing to evacuate (we are at level 1 for those who don't know) to talk for an hour about how deceptive, manipulative, willful, stubborn, Peggy is.  (She's preaching to the choir!)  She said there's no answer at her house, I told her she has her days/nights turned around, she's sleeping, not to worry.  She will take her Friday on the condition they look at a couple of facilities to consider her moving to.  Not sure they let people in with Covid restrictions tightening again, but more power to her.

[kayc]

It takes belief for healing and theologically I think it's more complicated than that, I know in Jesus' time it demonstrated his power as well.  I don't claim to understand it that well but George prayed over my finger when I called him and the outcome was amazing to me, I'd honestly been worried I'd lose it.  I've never had anything turn so white/cold before, obviously no blood/oxygen getting through.

[Gwenivere]

Yesterday I went to the church for the usual meal pick up.  The women I met were there.  There was something very off.  I’d never seen them then so subdued.  We chatted a bit about me and when I asked about them it was very emotional.  Deb is a recovering alcoholic that got drunk the night before.  She got kicked out of the house where she had finally gotten out of living in her van.  She’s now staying with the Robin.  Kelly kicked her out said she said hurtful things so I’m guessing she’s not a happy drunk.  It was the death of her partner that got her onto the streets from alcohol, tho I think it was part of their relationship.  Anyway, it tore me up seeing her....them.....in such a bad place.  Tears would run down her face as I know she felt horrible and ashamed.  I asked if she would tell me anything she felt comfortable with.  Like what triggered it, tho I know she fights it daily.  She opted not to go to a party with Kelly but the idea of the drinking there was too strong.  She went to Safeway and bought wine.  At least not vodka, she said, it would have been worse.  It was one of those times you don’t want to say too much, but the silences are so loud.  I’m so grateful Robin was there to take her in.  Don’t know what the plan is, but the Kelly won’t talk to her yet.  I hope that changes as she did so much for her keep there.  All I could say, as Robin did, is we all have done things we regret.  Made horrid mistakes.  I reminded her I was once a cocaine addict, that I got it.  That Robin snd I still love her.  She needs time to punish herself.  I know the drill.  I want to reach out to her, but know she needs to regroup.  I’m guessing even Robin is staying low profile.  I was tearing up on the way home.  Just pushed so many buttons when I got away from them I didn’t realize.  Fed into my own depression and how no one is there unlike her support, pretty much Robin but that’s all it takes sometimes.  
 

I threw the ball for Mel wanting to cry but couldn’t.  That makes me so frustrated.  My gawd, my back is literally and emotionally breaking with no vent.  I feel it will do no good, I guess.  Why could I cry about Deb but not me?  
 

I’m so sick of hearing in counseling that if I got surgery I might feel I had more of a life.  Doesn’t that mean things you want to do but are being held back?  I don’t have those.  The very few are nonexistent now.  Developing new things should come as motivation, not as a maybe for all the recovery.  I’m broken in so many ways.  It’s so hard to feel you add nothing to the life of anyone anymore.  Just Mel.  And dogs age to fast.  Sorry, I’m a mess today as usual.   Maybe more.  
 

Oh, and yes, I am missing that faith thing.  The guy knew that.  Guess that is why I was surprised he said it could happen without.  I’m glad you have George to pray with and it’s getting better.  I’m also sorry to hear your sister is still having so much trouble in another thread.

[widow'15]

37 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Sorry, I’m a mess today as usual.   Maybe more.  

Gwen:  No apologies required.  Just some days, as you know, are tougher than others.  It's good you were able to listen to your friend. Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm sure that stirred up a lot of emotions, I hadn't known you'd ever "been there" but we use what we've been through to help others and nothing we have gone through is a waste, even though painful.  I know everything I've been through in my life has shaped and molded me into who I am.  I'm sure it meant a lot to her that you heard her and understood.  AND you pointed her in a positive  motion, not judgmental which never helps.

Nearby fire 

Here is the fire up here (Middle Fork Complex, Quis & Knoll), two miles away, not far.  

 

[kayc]

Not doing Peggy's dishes again.  Not doing anything she can do for herself.  Not getting her garbage out of her sink. Her ribs are healed.  Will not go there Aug. 12-17 as I told her the last two months I'm not available then.  Wish I was doing something enjoyable instead of taking care of someone else's dog and worrying about my home burning up.

[MartyT]

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Wish I was doing something enjoyable instead of taking care of someone else's dog and worrying about my home burning up.

Looking at the pictures I see why you are so scared about the fires.  That’s much too close.  Since everywhere is under drought conditions, it’s extra dangerous.  It looks like it’s progressing.  From smoke to actual flame.  I sure hope they get it contained.   
 

Yup, spent a few years with coke.  Know I posted it at some point. Started very fun, as addictions do.  Next thing you know it commands you.   It’s a time I very rarely revisit now for some of the things I did.  Shame and such.  Compromised my morals and ethics.

[kayc]

We evacuated last night. I'm at my daughter's.  It's weird leaving, not knowing if I'll see my place again.  I just wanted to sit down and relax,  Very tired.

[MartyT]

[KarenK]

Kay, thinking of you and hoping for the best!

[widow'15]

kayc: Keeping you and Kodie and your home in my thoughts.  I know your daughter must be relieved knowing you are there with her.  Hugs.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Kay, glad you and Kodie are safe.   

[kayc]

Thank you, your thoughts mean so much to me.

Peggy was evacuated too, her neighbor tried dropping her off somewhere with cots, she cannot get up/down from them.  She insisted they take her to a hotel and she got the last disabled room.  Julie took her to Polly's in Portland today. 

 I am very grateful for my daughter and her roommate's hospitality. I got groceries today. Kodie has been an angel except he thinks he should bark if someone is close by outside, he's used to total privacy & quiet, not a complex.  It's over 100 today and the next few days. I wanted to take him to a dog park but it's too hot.

[Gin]

Kay,  thinking and praying for you.  Hope you can go home soon.   Gin

[kayc]

They're saying it could be weeks, I can't impose that long, may have to go different places or something.

My food in the refrigerator will be rotted.

[Gwenivere]

I haven't written much about the surgery recovery.  I’m still very limited and in non stop pain.  I’m exhausted but can’t sleep well.  I’ve made some progress in mobility, but I have so much more to face.  It’s unknown before the bones really mend enough I can maybe get by without a walker.   I desperately want to be home and on my own.  I push thru the therapy with Melody as my motivation.  Fortunately, and I hope I don’t jinx anything by saying this, the daily infighting with staff has improved.  I have some probs with the surgeon I need to work out, like him wanting me in his office in a couple weeks and I would have to pay for the trip there and back.  Plus I need oxygen whenever I exert myself more than I did.  I’m already highly monetarily on the hook with my insurance and there will be more to come soon.  
 

Patience is not my strong suit.  That’s the hardest thing.  The daily waking up in this place.  I’m so annoyed I was not prepared about this rehab.  I didn’t know you had to learn to walk all over again and possible life long restrictions.  it’s so slow going and I fear I was caught in a Catch 22.  Couldn’t continue without the surgery, stuck now with an excruciating road back and still don’t know if I can be independent as anything less I don’t know how I’ll handle.  I kinda feel I was sold a bill of goods, tho they told me about this maybe needing to be redone in a few years.  I cannot fathom doing this again.  Melody would be older and my biggest fear is being totally alone.  2 parakeets don’t really fill that bill.  
 

This whole experience has had me walking down paths that don’t exist yet.  I have so much time going thru this to think of the future.  My grief counselor would help, but she just had a heart attack so is taking much needed down time.  I still have my therapist, but he’s too much of a cheerleader to deal with where I am emotionally.  I have dark stuff to unload and he’s prone to fixing.  I remind him not to.  I need to break down as I  haven’t in weeks.  Not a good deep one.  It’s so hard not to have anyone who really understands.  Being told I am strong is getting old.  I know I’ve made progress but have higher expectations.  That’s on me as this is reality for my choice.  
 

I don’t want to be another statistic of people that give up.  But I am very drawn to that as I live in these hours and days to play out my possible futures.  I see one that things work out and I get a few more years, but not as much as the darker ones.  I’m calling it normal for the situation.  At its core it’s missing what would change everything.  Steve.  Have to shove that aside because it cannot be.  That hurts more than everything going on physically.