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My Sanity Needed Vents


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Gwen, I am with you in thought every day, I am sorry your grief counselor had a heart attack.  And nothing worse than hearing a cheering squad when our life is in the pits!  I don't know the answer.

My sister has turned against me, ever since I dared say no to driving her to the eye doctor the morning following my foot surgery.  She's gone from realizing her dementia to now vehemently denying it, paranoia setting in, she blames me for everything, has forgotten everything I've done for her.  She hangs up on me and lashes out at me.  My head knows it's dementia talking but my human heart hurts.  My mom was the opposite, she was difficult all her life and then her dementia softened her...not so with Peggy.  Peggy has BSed us her whole life to fool us and get her own way and come across as sweet when in actuality...well never mind.  It's hard.  She says she never got her bank statements yet told me just this week she reconciled it.  I saw them come in the mail, wrote KEEP on the envelope.  She won't let me help her, she is in a bid to maintain control only it's too late for any of that, her life is in total disarray.  I've given up.  My own BP and BS are reflecting the stress in spite of all my best efforts.  I feel like the ship is sinking and I can only save myself...maybe.

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Another fun filled day coming up with OT followed by PT.  Starting with a disadvantage from doing things yesterday I hadn’t and it making sleep more painful.  I’m always being told not to bend, but it’s impossible when I have to do things without the walker.  As soon as I let go my back goes nuts with pain.  There’s nowhere to transfer the weight.  I’m 3 weeks out of surgery and they say 6 weeks.  My frustration here is there isn’t anything for me to do after therapies so I spend a lot of time in bed.  Even if I was cleared to walk on my own, I can’t drag a large oxygen tank.  I’m basically confused how I’m supposed to make better progress.  I can get dressed now by myself, but I need tools to do so.  I’m envision being at home and worried.  I try and not go there as I still have time.  I don’t think I will escape having someone come in for help and that depresses me.  A buddy can come help with some stuff, but showers she is not trained for nor insured.  I don’t really want someone that knows me personally to see me naked.  If it were Steve that would be different, tho I’m not sure I’d want him to see how much I’ve declined from a fit person to this 'creature'.  I just shake my head every day wondering how it came to this.  I was so free.  I was the caregiver.  
 

The docs said I’d be able to bend.  As every aspect of daily living requires that in some way, don’t know how I will handle it if it doesn’t work out.  It’s absolutely essential for a life with Mel.

now I wait and see what I’ll find out today for my needs.  I get about an hour total to address this stuff.  

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57 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Even if I was cleared to walk on my own, I can’t drag a large oxygen tank.  I’m basically confused how I’m supposed to make better progress.  I can get dressed now by myself, but I need tools to do so.

Gwen:  Getting dressed on ur own sounds like great progress. Even a little progress is progress.  I am hoping they will come up with something to help with the oxygen tank when you are stronger and able to walk on your own.  Cheering you on.  👏  Dee

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My head is swimming.  After seeing the bath tub here, it’s not even close to mine. No shower doors or safety rails.  If I get a toilet with arms to go over mine I’ll lose access to a huge cabinet of storage.  
 

Discussed with the PT woman how limited I could still be when I get home.  Affecting not just me but also Mel and the birds.  
 

Doing a therapy walk made me see the slouch I had is worse than ever.  They told me I’d never stand up straight (wasn’t before, but not like this) but I’m concerned this may be a permanent effect of this.  I don’t know how I’d live with that and walk independently.  It’s a sleep deprived thought of the night.  More to factor in as I wanted to live my life better.  This was supposed to be an improvement.  They say 6 weeks, but it’s so slow. Thanks for the cheers, tho, Dee. 
 

I did make it clear I don’t want to be sent home until I feel safe.  That I don’t like strangers coming over.   I found out my friend can be standing by for help on showers.  Which brings me right back around to another day wondering....why?  How I wish Steve was holding down the fort.  Just the thought of going thru over a months mail is overwhelming.  He used to call me when he was stuck in the hospital.  Wish I could call him.  Would make the painful sleep better.  😢

 

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Gwen, I wish so much there was something I could say or do to alleviate some of your suffering, both physical and mental. All it seems is that you have to keep moving forward, no matter how slowly it seems to you.

I'm sure there will be compromises that you have to adjust to in your new lifestyle. I would think losing some storage is an inconvenience, but worth it if it helps you stay in your home. I am an organized person, as you are and it pains me to see my once spotless house and manicured lawn in less than pristine order, but it is what it is. It's really hard to accept that I can't keep up with it anymore. In another month, your muscles may be stronger and allow you to stand up a little better. Doctors sure don't know everything. That's why they call it "practicing".

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending all the good vibes I can.

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Gwen, My sister has no idea how lucky she was to have help with all of these things, her husband had bars, toilet lift, bed rails put in when she came home from back surgery.  He helped her shower, he got groceries, cleaned, cooked.  What do we do when we need this help and they're no longer here?  My sister was lucky to have me when she fell the next time.  She doesn't see/remember that though, oh boy she can sure remember how much she hates me!  Her mind must be one of insanity.  :(

I'm glad to hear you have a friend on standby for showers.  Could you hire a part time caregiver to help with that, get groceries, clean the bird cage, vacuum, etc.?  Maybe someone can install bars in your bathroom without affecting the cupboard?  I know how that'd be, I depend on a large custom cupboard I have above my toilet.  My walls, being a mobile home, I doubt would support bars but maybe if they put wood across to the studs to affix it to.  Good thing I'm light weight.  I couldn't live disabled here and get firewood up, traverse ice, etc.  That's why I couldn't bring my sister here, she can barely get around without ice, etc.  That and my rugs would be a trip hazard for her.  It'd require major renovation & when you have no help or $...

I think getting dressed on your own is huge progress!  If you need tools to do it, so be it!  There's no doubt in my mind you'll do this, you have a good mindset, you have the desire/incentive of wanting to, the adage "where there's a will there's a way" comes to my mind, maybe not in all situations, but for some of us who value our independence we seem to make things work somehow.  I see you in that category.  You may need help for a little while but I think you'll make it.

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

Could you hire a part time caregiver to help with that, get groceries, clean the bird cage, vacuum, etc.?  Maybe someone can install bars in your bathroom without affecting the cupboard? 

Yes, I can do all that.  The point is I hate having people in my house I don’t know.  That’s all I keep being told.  My world has been so upended by this that I’m reaching an emotional limit.  I need to crash and burn.  I need to really cry, not whimper when I talk to some of the nice people helping me in other areas.  I’m so damned sick of being told how good I’m doing while I endure more pain than they realize or are trained to cheer you on.  I have the right to cut things off sooner if I want, but worry I’ll stagnate.  I spend so much time not moving as I’m not stable enough to be without assistance.  
 

I’m trying to get a counselor here.  Schedule a shower for Sunday.  Just had 2 more people in here saying how great I am doing.  I wanted to scream!  
 

I’m so torn now about going home the more I find out.   I hate it here, I dread going there.  Living just doesn’t make sense to me today.  I can’t get answers for simple requests here, or what I feel are basic.  I better stop here.  Haven’t experienced what today will bring.   

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It’s the 20 year anniversary of 9/11.  I’ll never forget that morning.  Steve was frantic telling me what had happened.  We sat in disbelief watching the footage of the crashes.  They don’t show those anymore.  We cried.  Stunned at what we were seeing.  This wasn’t a Hollywood movie, this was real people.  I recall the somber silence of that day everywhere.  Frantically trying to buy a flag.  I was 45, Steve 49.  That day changed  the world like covid has.  In between, we here lost our partners.  I don’t know what to make of how all these losses has changed a once seemingly safe world to what we dwell in now.  At least back then he and I had each other.  No hint of his battle coming.   2 decades is a long time, but I could have never imagined all that would happen.  

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13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 We sat in disbelief watching the footage of the crashes.

Disbelief is the explanation of what happened that morning.  I was on my way to a dental appointment when my son called us at home to turn on TV.  All during the appointment it was still unbelievable this could be happening to us.  The United States was no longer that safe place in the world.  😭  Dee

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On 9/9/2021 at 11:45 PM, KarenK said:

Doctors sure don't know everything. That's why they call it "practicing".

I too love this!  First time I noticed we don't have a laugh choice along with our "like!"

On 9/10/2021 at 12:52 PM, Gwenivere said:

ust had 2 more people in here saying how great I am doing.  I wanted to scream!  

When they say "doing great" it does not equate to your not having pain or this not being difficult...of course people who have EXPERIENCED that firsthand will have a better idea than those who have not.

Not a one of us doesn't remember (unless we have dementia, always a qualifier), WHERE we were when we found out!  I was fixing breakfast and my son came running in (he has a radio alarm) and alarmingly said, "TURN ON THE T.V.!"  We watched in shock and disbelief.  It still seems unreal, but I bet it doesn't to those involved or who lost their loved one in it.  I have a picture of the twin towers BEFORE they were hit, I used to make laminated cards of it.  Today is a somber day, I'm afraid to turn on the t.v.

 

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This is a bit of an ambiguous day for me. In addition to the general horror, my mother died on this day in 2006. My son was born on this day in 1978.

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3 hours ago, KarenK said:

In addition to the general horror, my mother died on this day in 2006. My son was born on this day in 1978.

Karen:  Oh my, "9/11" has happiness for you and sadness for you ........ at the time when our country grieves.  Dee 

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Oh Karen, wow that is a whole lot of emotion to deal with at once.  911 seems too much.  I avoided t.v., can't handle it.  Kept busy all day with my diabetic groups.

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I didn’t watch any of the specials either.  Tried one and said no.  I remembered it all too vividly.  They were talking about educating people too young to remember or even know it happened.  It won’t affect them the same tho.  That’s like the Korean War and the loss of my father.  I was too young and distanced.  I had never seen the 9/11 memorial up close.  It was heartbreaking.  I couldn’t watch anymore.  I don’t know what that says about me.  I just know in my heart how that changed our world and the senseless loss of so much life that so many of the families still live with.  
 

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On 9/11/2021 at 12:23 PM, Widow2015 said:

The United States was no longer that safe place in the world.

Shreveport has been having so many drive by shootings, murders, in a certain part of the city that covers many blocks, many miles.  

Kelli drives a smaller car, like I do, and when we park and the bigger trucks and SUV's park on the sides of us, we have to inch our way out into the driving aisles at stores like Wal-Mart.  Mine is a smaller town Walmart, her Walmart is a bigger city Walmart.  She inched out (bright yellow car) and almost got run over by a big SUV who sat on his horn.  So, she honked back.  He was so angry he followed her over to Lowes and confronted her outside his car.  Kelli does not take confrontations.  She is a fighter if you push her.  She could not fight him, so told his wife to "come get it."  His wife started out and Kelli told her, "I guarantee, you don't want to do this."  The woman sat down and he drove off in a fast huff, was going too fast all the time.  Not five minutes later he piled into a woman and her child in the front seat.  Kelli got the woman's car on video and he destroyed it.  Do not know if anyone was hurt.  She was so shook up.  It was not in Lowe's parking lot, he had gone back into Walmart, too fast.  You never know when they are going to pull guns either.

I hope the woman and her child were not hurt.  Kelli went home.

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7 hours ago, Marg M said:

I hope the woman and her child were not hurt.  Kelli went home.

Marg:  So relieved that Kelli wasn't harmed, and hope the woman and the child were ok.  It is so crazy anywhere anymore.  This kind of stuff makes me want to stay in my little house and not go anywhere, ever.  Dee

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Wow, I think we've all encountered road rage, I know I have.  People are under so much stress right now it is not bringing out the best in them.  I hope she turns the video over to the police, I know the woman & child that were hit would appreciate the evidence.

I am SO GLAD Kelli was not hurt!

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That this stuff happens in parking lots or people changing lanes in traffic is insane.  That it happens at all is insane.  People have honked at me backing out and shook their fists and I just shrug.  I can’t see everything.  Others are nice and wait realizing that and giving me the opportunity to get out.  I’ve honked at people just to alert them.  I don’t punish them.  If someone followed me I’d lock my car and say I was calling the police.  Long gone are my days of confrontation.  People are getting shot over this crap. Everyone is frustrated and I don’t get why some are so much more aggressive.  I guess it’s just magnifying those that already were hostile.  

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I'm not American and I was on the sourthern point of South América when 9 11 happened. I too remember where I was when I heard the news. I didn't believe it too I thought that men saying it was confused.

I didn't sleep that night watching CNN Español, many Latinos were queing where the CNN reporters were, at night, holding pictures and hand made signs with the names of their relatives, friends, colleagues who worked in the Towers or nearby, asking if someone had seen them please call back at xxxxx. I cried for these people looking for hope with no resources and little possibilities. That's what I remember apart from all the images that went "viral" (this word didn't exist)

I kept the newspapers from September 12th.

When I studied International Relations, the first paragraph of an essay started with: after the end of the Cold War..... The fourth paragraph: After September 11th....

When I visited NY, already a widow, I visited ground zero. I wasn't sure what I would find there, and it surprised me. I was so very impressed by THAT sound of the water. I can hear it now. 

Peace 

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I don't fight.  I'm too old.  But, I would fight to the death for my family.  I'm sure Kelli did not think to call the police, I'm sure she saw the threat and met it head first.  Knew she could not fight the man.  Why was he so angry?  Because she honked back?  He followed her to another shopping center.  I'm sure the police were called.  Kelli is still taking the radioactive iodine, they are afraid to operate on her thyroid because it is so  vascular and she has the bleeding disorder.  She goes tomorrow to doc and has put off two appointments moving.  She takes too much on herself and that scares me.  

We all seem to be under some cloud of oppression of some sort and I don't understand all this political crap.  We are having so many natural disasters.  Love you all.  I guess I have just given in to the chronic depression.  Sometimes I dig the hole too deep to crawl out of.  Gotta quit doing that.

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I guess I have just given in to the chronic depression.  Sometimes I dig the hole too deep to crawl out of.  Gotta quit doing that.

It happens, tho, Marg.  As you said yourself......chronic.  We can only operate in those situations for a finite time before we have to acknowledge and give in to hopefully feel it and recover some strength.  Just like fatigue, stress and grief.  I know I’m digging a huge hole with mine right now.  What I do is give myself permission.  We get surrounded by people who want to change it.  I find that invalidating as I have some darned good reasons.  This isn’t just out of the blue.  My  cousin called me as she lost power for days. Major problems but she isn’t depressed.  It was a hassle.  I felt bad I am depressed and couldn’t summon more empathy.  Anyway, it sounds like you need some down time to yourself.  You’ve been under stress about your family for a long time.  If you can’t get out of it when you feel you should, you may have to reach for a lifeline.  I know when I start suffocating to seek help.  
 

We love you too.  Maybe writing your feelings would help, or it feels too much.  It’s up to you.  We’re here.  ❤️

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I have spent so many years in psychotherapy, they'd all want to give me antidepressants, been there, done that, and I cannot make this tremor worse.  I already hit too many wrong keys typing, and that is when I'm calm.    I don't have but one more thing to do, and I'm not in any hurry to rush it.  I would like to be hypnotized into thinking I was just happy.  Do not want a pill. 

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12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What I do is give myself permission.  We get surrounded by people who want to change it.  I find that invalidating as I have some darned good reasons.

I thought this a crux of it. :wub: Truth.

10 hours ago, Marg M said:

I already hit too many wrong keys typing

I relate, my fingers "stutter" when I type now, ever since my hand injuries/botched surgery, not sure if it's brain, nerve, or what.  I just know it stutters and I used to be a perfect typist.  I have to go back and correct a LOT, sometimes I miss some.

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