My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Having a very tough time today.  Last day here and can’t break free from the anxiety.  I hate this.  My discharge will come from the nurse tomorrow with a small supply of the meds they have been getting me (the anxiety ones) and I plan to ask why I don’t get them all as they were ordered for me specifically and insurance is paying for them.  I can hardly focus today.   Don’t know if PT is coming by, but logic says they have close out their file.  I got the ridiculous suggestion of buying a new living room chair or a recliner which you have to try when I can barely move around beyond this room.  Plus you need more time than a couple minutes to know if comfortable at my age.  That flexibility has been gone for years.  Definitely compromised now.  
 

The surgeons office finally called today around 4:30.  Talked to a different PA who was very nice.  She said they wouldn’t be releasing me if they didn’t feel I could handle it.  Plus they make money off me.  That it was totally natural to be afraid as my world is all changed now.  (Where have I heard that before?).  She’s hoping I will feel better mentally in my own space as I’ve adapted to this altered life for weeks.  She really emphasized how intense this surgery was and I was heading to becoming paralyzed.  While I’m over the hump of peak pain, I have a lonnnnnng way to go.  (She mentioned next summer, hope that means as full a recovery for my situation) She offered me an appointment next week, but I’m going to wait til the 14th if possible.  
 

I also got a call from home health care so will have to deal with them.  Ugh.  I may be lonely, but this is the wrong kind of people overload.  
 

I hate panic disorder, this blow of nature handed me,  another test if life is worth living and robbing me of the love of life who I need so desperately right now.  Who I want so much to take me home and feel safe again.  I haven’t in years. I really don’t now.  I keep being told to be positive.  How do you do that when you feel like you already lost?
 

Just really hoping I’m not gripped with panic in the morning.  I’m sitting here tonight envisioning the worst.  Anticipation is the worst.  Just wanna curl up and disappear.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I got the ridiculous suggestion of buying a new living room chair or a recliner which you have to try when I can barely move around beyond this room.  Plus you need more time than a couple minutes to know if comfortable at my age.

That's why I'm still using the same reclining loveseat I've had for 21 years!  It's old, broken on one side, upholstery worn out but it's so comfortable!  I keep a throw on it and continue to use the good side.  Kodie sleeps on the other side, he doesn't need it to recline anyway.  I'd bought another one and like it to sit in but the reclining part isn't as comfortable, can feel the wood, too hard.  I feel like Goldilocks, my favorite is "just right!"  I don't care about looks, more about comfort, hardly anyone sees the inside of my place anyway.

I wish you the best going home.  I pray it goes better than you foresee...

I went to doctor's yesterday, nurse looked at my hand, didn't do anything, discovered one we missed, so 8 lacerations, three are not glued including the largest on the knuckle, will take forever to heal,  can't get it wet or lift anything.  A friend and her husband brought wood up on the deck for me, I had to build a fire as the temps dropped 40 degrees yesterday.  Fixing dinner and doing dishes will be a challenge.  So will getting groceries as it hurts to drive and don't know how I'll lift my groceries.  I'll figure it out, I managed with a broken right elbow and also after hand surgery.  I sometimes don't know HOW I'll do stuff but I manage somehow.  No choice.  Haven't had anyone to help me in life for 16 years.  Sometimes we have to ask for help, sometimes from people we aren't even close to.  Like when I had skin cancer removed from my back and needed the dressings changed but couldn't see/reach them.  My neighbor came over early in the morning and did it after my shower before I got dressed, it was embarrassing having her see me in my nightgown (not close to her) but got through it.  I put the need on FB and she responded.  None of us like asking for help but I sure appreciated her, I couldn't leave the wound uncovered.  Your recovery will take a long while but I think you'll figure out what you can do, maybe in a different way than usual, and what you need to call in troops for.  

[Gwenivere]

A couple of hours left before D gets here.  Pretty much packed but this iPad.  Can’t believe how much stuff I have to take home compared to what I checked in with.  
 

I asked again that I wouldn’t be released unless they were as sure as they could be.  Most are so glad to leave.  Family waiting for them.  I don’t know how many have stopped by to say goodbye all happy for me.  One I can talk to frankly gets my fear and apprehension.  Told me others have that too, people that are alone.  
 

 I don’t know what else to say right now.  Have so much to do and I haven’t even left yet.  It’s all so overwhelming.  Then I think about being in that empty house.  

[Widow2015]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I don’t know what else to say right now.  Have so much to do and I haven’t even left yet.  It’s all so overwhelming.  Then I think about being in that empty house.

Gwen:  As I'm writing it's my big hope you are getting settled in your home and finding you will meet your challenge and gradually find solutions to the problems as they arise.   One positive thought, the surgery is behind you now and you can look forward to being totally recovered.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  Big hug, Dee.

[KarenK]

Gwen, ditto what Dee said. Hope you found a way to get comfortable in your own bed. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get things done. There's always tomorrow. Glad you have a new supportive friend.

[Gwenivere]

It’s hard to believe they considered me good to go home.  D picked me up at 3 and left at 8pm.   My answering machine was OD'ing on messages that I cleared out.  Went thru my caller ID to clear out and saw none that could pertain to now.  
 

We basically unpacked everything, had me get into bed and up, she also went to Safeway and got us dinner.  Got a little ambiance back by getting the clock going and my fountain back on.   Made me promise to take it easy tonite.  I’m going back to eating dinner at my usual time and want to try a nap.  Want to get up at noon instead of 10am again.  I’m doing too much bending so will have to figure how to not do that without the adjustable bed and I get frustrated.  It’s also not feasible for some things.  Just have to be careful but that gets hard.  I’m very impatient at this point.
 

The home care people called and I lost it.  Wanted to come out tomorrow for a 90 minute assessment and I just can’t handle that so quick.  I need a couple days away from that stuff.  Plus it’s been a long couple days of intense movement I’m paying for right now.

I’m disappointed my chair doesn’t provide more pain relief.  Might be moving the recliner out here as I tried it and it felt better.  Takes 2 people to move tho IF I go that route.  It would be a major endeavor.  Takes 2 people so coordinating would be tough.  I’m just hoping I can get Mel home Thursday and have Tommy put away the portable AC and fan.  
 

 I don’t know if there is a complete recovery in my future.  I’ve hopefully bought enough time to be with Mel for more years.  Maybe have significant pain relief, that is the gamble.  
 

Tonight has been a challenge and I’ll have to see how sleeping goes.  I took a short nap and my bed felt so much more comfortable.  I hate how so much out of order.  I like my house in order.  My end table is overflowing with stuff so I don’t have to reach far.  Have to take my clothes to bed to get dressed.  Having dinner was a chore.   Giving up brushing my teeth one time instead of 3.  Too depleting.  Can’t light my memory candles for Steve, parents and dogs.  
 

I don’t know how I would have done this without D.  Still have more to do, but have to slow it down.  Not my nature.

thanks for all your support.  Love you all! ❤️
 

 

[kayc]

Gwen my wishes the same as Dee and Karen, I hope you feel some relief along with the apprehension that you're home now.  What you have come through!  You didn't know how you'd make it to this point, but you've done it.  I think it's a good call waiting a couple of days before going through more, so much at once.  After my trauma this weekend I wanted to be alone and decompress, never got it though.  It's been go go go non-stop, hope today is quieter.  I hope so for you too. Maybe change your clothes less often to have a break on your back?  Just at first maybe?  
I have Prevident (get from dentist) to brush my teeth with, don't rinse, it protects your teeth from cavities, maybe a suggestion if brushing less, have them put in the mail to you?  I think I've only had one in the years since using it and it was in a hard to get to place.  I have challenging teeth.

Sending you my best wishes and hopes for things to get better for you, even a little bit!

 

[Margm]

Gwen, my wish for you is for the anxiety and pain to stop.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  Life sometimes seems like "how" and we don't have an answer.  I definitely will send some "mustard seed faith" prayers your way.  It is all I've got.

[Gwenivere]

A very tough day.  So hard getting around here.  I do a lot of things wrong and hope I don’t do serious damage.  It’s so hard to be vigilant when there aren’t options for some things that need to be done.  I found myself back reading the web about the surgery after finding in my mail what my surgery involved.  More complicated which I had heard.  Very serious.

found I had the same hip pain trying to sleep the last couple of hours before getting up.  That was disappointing.  D came by and helped with a few more things.  Called Mel’s sitters and said today was a no go.

The home health people want to come out and since I didn’t hear from them before they closed, I’m guessing Friday.  I’ll have to do a lot of movement.  Maybe they can offer some ideas I’m missing as all this activity is making things worse.  I’m not doing well handling the pain.  I know there is a joint in my back that is massively irritated and there is little that can be done.  I have a bad habit of crossing my legs sitting and the sites say don’t do that.  But it almost feels better....while sitting.  I can’t seem to master this walker as I have to keep lifting the back legs over the oxygen tubing.  Seems I bring it with me more than it helps me.  I know I’m getting more challenging activity here than in rehab.  I’m wondering if I made a huge mistake doing this.  For my age, knowing the outcome will be 6 months at the earliest.  
 

I know I’m being redundant.  Cabin and pain fever.  2 days on the cabin.  Not a good sign.   My ❤️ To all of you for being so supportive.

[KarenK]

Gwen, what kind of walker do you have? Ron had one with 4 large rubber wheels, handles, and a seat for carrying things or resting. Insurance paid for it.

I'm sure it will take a lot of time to regain your strength. Just keep moving forward a little at a time. I know it took me forever to feel okay after my stint in the hospital in Ky. with the lung infection. I didn't even have a serious surgery and I had no strength at all. Wasn't fighting massive pain either, just couldn't breathe.

We're definitely not as young as we once were.

[kayc]

My neighbor Mike told me he has an oxygen concentrator, the prices coming down, may be able to get a used one for less on Amazon or eBay.  It's great because it gathers the oxygen in the air and gives it to you as needed so no tubing, heavy tanks to lug around.  I thought of you when he told me about it.  It'd be so much easier if you didn't have to worry about the lugging/tripping issues.

I hope they're able to help you out with your pain, etc.  I wish you had a recliner that was comfy, something that would aid you in getting up.  Six months of torture does not sound good.  I'm having a hard enough time with my dog bite wounds, very painful, of course nothing for the pain, seven of the eight lacerations are open as they were still bleeding, seems my trip to the hospital and doctor next day were of no earthly good.  I should have let my son try to glue it and not wasted my time.  Trying to keep this clean, can't use my hand other than to type.  So thankful for the around-the-waist leash my son got me/Kodie!  I could not manage without it.  Still can't use my fire handler's gloves, still too swollen.  I ordered compression gloves for when this heals.

[Widow2015]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I found myself back reading the web about the surgery after finding in my mail what my surgery involved.  More complicated which I had heard.  Very serious.

Gwen:  Reading your statement here makes me think your decision to face the surgery had to be the only solution to your dilemma in spite of your ongoing recovery pain.  I find myself always questioning why I did "whatever"  in my past but have to remind myself that the decision was based on the information I had at the time and try not to think there could have been another way.  I can only do what I can do, and in my old lady way of thinking, I see you did what you had to do.  I think you might think you made the wrong decision to do the surgery, but what else could you have done? I hope each day for you will be more bearable and your Mel will soon be with you.  Hugs, Dee

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

We're definitely not as young as we once were.

Oh boy, Karen is that statement ever true.  On Monday I had a six month dental appointment.  As I was standing in front of the elevator to take me up to the second floor of the medical clinic, a receptionist came up behind me with a sign to post on the door of the elevator that the elevator was not working.  It has been years since I have been able to walk up that flight of stairs to the dentist's clinic.  Not sure how long it took me to get up to the second floor but each step I took huffing and puffing upwards I thought, "I'm not as young as I used to be".  Thank goodness, the elevator was repaired by the time my appointment was over so I didn't have to walk backwards down the stairs to the entry level of the building to my car.  I don't trust my knees to walk forward down stairs.  Not fun getting old.  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

I do have one of those 4 wheel walkers.  I tried it and it wasn’t much better.  I sure wish it was.  I have a runner in the kitchen that is turning into a problem as going over it sometimes causes bunching which isn’t safe.  Have to try a different one.  
 

Not being able to breathe is a horrid feeling.  D refilled my oxygen humidifier and did well for her first experience.   I’m glad you didn’t wind up on oxygen.  It’s really a pain.  
 

Off to try a nights sleep.  Might try switching sides half the time.  
 

Anyone know how to break the habit of crossing your legs?  I know I’m gonna be called on that and it isn’t good for this.  
 

 

[Margm]

6 minutes ago, Marg M said:

My last visit to our genius doctor my sister thinks invented medicine, he is her doc and helps her get the expensive meds for her COPD.  So far, I am sure the man is trying to kill me.  First he told me he never prescribed Xanax (I did not ask for it), it caused dementia, falls, etc.  He did hit on a BP med that works.  I am in a conundrum.  All my records are at my doc 175 miles away, one I've used since 1998.  They know my problems.  This doc is now trying to treat my essential tremor.  Told me about surgery to drill into each side of the head (patient stays awake) and they zap the area that shakes.  I've had this since 6th grade.  My biggest problem was the slight tremor when dancing and the boy holding me tighter because he thought I was getting excited.  I quit dancing in high school.  It is worse each year.  My aunt actually committed suicide by not eating, she could not handle it.  Hers came later in life.  Thank goodness my kids didn't get it.  My dad, two aunts, a distant cousin, so far that is all I know.  So of course he gives me the antidepressant, took 1, no more.  In the long run, it might calm the anxiety, but the med causes the most anxiety.  Last time he gave me propranolol.  I reminded him I took clonidine at night.  Then I did the worse thing I could do.  I came home and read up on the medications.  You don't give clonidine with a beta blocker (he prescribed the propranolol at night with the clonidine).  It slows the heart rate too  low..  Didn't he know this?  I reminded him I took clonidine at night.  I go see Heather (old clinic) tomorrow.  Will discuss my fear with her.  And, folks, that what it is, pure-dee ole fear.  I know not to read up on things.  I did it and then I was in such a panic that I would not take a Xanax, I lay down and practiced breathing.  I can still do that.  I never took the propranolol because it causes depression to be worse.  I also read in a blind study the clonidine was some better than the propranolol.  Yet, I have to have a doctor here.  I wish I could find one smarter than me.

 

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

My neighbor Mike told me he has an oxygen concentrator, the prices coming down,

Those are for portable or people that occasionally need oxygen.  They only work one way, you get oxygen only when you inhale, it’s not constantly provided.  I have to have continuous flow as we often breathe and don’t realize it.  I do have one I used to take for doctor appointments when I was getting over pneumonia.  Going to dig it out and charge it and hope it still work for the bare 2 hours it lasts on battery. I tried to find a 4 wheeled standard walker, but there are no such things.  
 

Are around the waist leashes safe?  I’d be too worried I’d be pulled down if my dog got spooked or made sudden stops.  I’ve seen people using them, but I would want to release the leash than go down, tho I found it’s not natural to want to let go of a leash.  We worry so about our babies!

5 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

I think you might think you made the wrong decision to do the surgery, but what else could you have done? I hope each day for you will be more bearable and your Mel will soon be with you. 

I did make the the only choice I could.  It’s hard to keep that in mind now that it created more pain and problems.  I was heading to being paralyzed as it progressed. It’s still 'early' in recovery, but 6 weeks has me raw nerved.  Being home made things worse.  Being here without Mel really makes it hard.  My cousin who I love but drives me bonkers with ideas suggested Tommy bring her by to visit.  I lost it.  I can’t have her a little bit and watch her being taken away!  It would kill me plus she hates traveling in cars so she’d hate it.  
 

5 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

I don't trust my knees to walk forward down stairs.  Not fun getting old. 

Dee, I remember when I had to give up stairs.  It was depressing.  I spent my life flying up and down them long ago.  Later I used them for exercise as it felt good.  Now they look evil to me!  😳  But then, so does 20 feet!  
 

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

then I was in such a panic that I would not take a Xanax, I lay down and practiced breathing.  I can still do that.

That’s great the breathing works for you.  My Xanax is barely keeping me sane these days.  I’ve been taking a bit less being home and that’s not going well.  I’m stubborn and hate relying on meds for anxiety and I have to keep reminding myself I have a medical disorder.  This isn’t normal fear.  Tho I have a lot of good ones to deal with since getting home.  I didn’t blink taking the higher dose in rehab.  At home I feel I should be able to handle this stress like I used to, but things are radically changed.  The mind is so complicated.  Mine anyways.  
 

I’m so sick of how they push AD's.  They are so hard to adapt to and if they aren’t the right one you’ve gone thru weeks of hell.  I know a couple people on them that feel benefit.  
 

I love the cartoon, it is so right on!   I get tired about hearing even about others in my situation.  They aren’t me.  
 

This is priceless, I got a call from the home health people saying they would be calling me to set up an appointment tomorrow.  I was waiting on that call, didn’t need a call to tell me since I had already called them.  Also waiting on surgeons office.  The woman from home health didn’t understand panic disorder when I told her I’d like a later appointment time for my meds and she said.....get a paper bag for breathing.  Excuse me????

[Widow2015]

26 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I remember when I had to give up stairs.  It was depressing.  I spent my life flying up and down them long ago.  Later I used them for exercise as it felt good.  Now they look evil to me!  😳  But then, so does 20 feet!  

Gwen:  I too remember when I used to easily walk the four flight of stairs where I worked.  I always shied away from the "evil" elevator because it had a bad reputation of getting stuck between floors..... the building was an old converted school building probably built in early 30's.   They eventually replaced the elevator, but I still didn't trust it.  Now the stairs look like an accident waiting to happen.  My new little home only has two steps that I navigate in reverse.  😁 Dee

[KarenK]

I could probably still climb stairs if it weren't for my COPD. Heck, I could probably do a lot of just every day things. I worked on the 22nd floor of a high rise for few years. Really hard on the knees going down all those flights during fire drills. Did a lot of wilderness hiking up and down mountains in younger, healthier times. The spirit is still willing, but the body ain't. Seems so long ago.....

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

I worked on the 22nd floor of a high rise for few years. Really hard on the knees going down all those flights during fire drills.

Karen:  Ouch.  22 floors.....impressive.  Your hiking in the mountains were good training for that many stairs, unless climbing the 22 floors was training for walking the mountains and hills.  Like memories of being loved and cared for by our husbands, the memories of the years of being young and able to enjoy life are all we have to smile about.  I am sorry your health battle is having to deal with COPD.  I hope it is manageable.  Thanks for sharing.  Dee 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Anyone know how to break the habit of crossing your legs?

A row of spikes on one of them?  IDK, I do the same, not good for BP either.  It's how I am relaxed.

Dee your response is how I see it too, have to remind myself sometimes.  Sorry you had to tackle a flight of stairs!  My dentist has them too, but I use them rather than the elevator, in spite of pain in my knees from injuries 4 1/2 years ago...I am claustrophobic in elevators.  Climbing the empire state building was a challenge even in the prime of my life!  22 flights of stairs is way too much!  

Marg, I love your cartoon!  You missed your calling, you should have been a doctor!

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Are around the waist leashes safe?

I can do it with Kodie, he's only 20 lbs.  I could NOT walk him with a standard leash, my hands are the worst things on me!  I can grab ahold of it and pull up to contain him if need be, but again, my hands are a problem, esp. now that my left one is totally out of commission.  Not sure it'll ever be the same again and that was bad enough.  Don't even know how I'm going to cook like this but last I saw, no one is here to help me.

Gwen, sorry the oxygen concentrator won't help you, I thought I'd found something! 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Day is messed up today, had to cancel my plans...doctor wants a phone visit at 4 and another appt I had at 12:30 was changed to 2:30 w/o talking to ME about it!  Apparently they're all important, I'm not.  What is the doctor going to learn over the phone that I haven't already discussed with his nurse prac. and SEEN her in person for already!  Nothing new except NONE of the glue held except in ONE of the eight incisions!  Had to order more band-aids from WM.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, sorry the oxygen concentrator won't help you, I thought I'd found something! 

I’m grateful you brought it up.  Reminded me to get mine out!  They just aren’t practical for being at home if you wear tubing or have a compromising COPD condition like I do.  This being confined is making me oxygen dependent because any moving around is stressing with the pain and a walker.  I hope someday I can go shopping without it again and just use my RX portable in the car when driving.  I definitely hear you about changing appointments.  We’re like pawns they move around not realizing we have plans or conflicts too.
 

Home health care put me off another day.  They said they had a 1pm slot today but it was changed to 11:30am.  Couldn’t ever do that with my med schedule.  Now it’s tomorrow at 1:30.  That means no lunch to avoid the bathroom emergencies.  It’s going to be a lot of activity to see how I’m doing things at home.  The nurse wants to see all my actual med bottles.  Told her I can tell her where they are, but I’m definitely not getting them gathered.  A list isn’t good enough.  Seems weird to me but she said something about their insurance.  Whatever.  I don’t think of them as secrets, but it feels a little invasive to me.  
 

I have new lounging clothes in the mailbox.  Dee came by and got them and some clean clothes feels good.  Another woman I know said she would deposit a check for me.  Will need food tomorrow or try some frozen stuff I have snd hope it’s still good.  I so hate feeling this dependent.  Grateful they are there tho.  Just wish these were all 'friend' visits without TO DO lists attached.  
 

Finally had a call from the PA at the surgeons for how intensely the pain has increased.  How I can’t avoid bending and some twisting.  What I can do for the pain.  He was limited on time but got a lot of info to digest.  Nerve damage being the biggie and could take 12-18 months to find how effective this was.  I may still have pain, but be more active.  He said frustration is a very common reaction.  I didn’t get a chance to ask if I could get free of a walker.  He did say this far out that some bending and twisting is Ok. Just be be careful.  All I know is the pain has gotten worse coming home.  Have lots of hours to think about and feel it.  
 

So, I’ll attempt this assessment tomorrow.  Maybe get some tips.  Then it will be thinking of PT and getting showers.  All I can hope is the pain doesn’t get worse overnight or after.  But that’s doubtful.  I knew everyone that was all 'yay!' were wrong at rehab that said being home would feel better.  Not by yourself.  I also don’t see Mel coming home very soon and that makes it worse.  😢

 

 

[Widow2015]

37 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I also don’t see Mel coming home very soon and that makes it worse.  😢

So, so sorry Gwen.  😥Dee

[Margm]

On 9/30/2021 at 5:07 PM, Gwenivere said:

That’s great the breathing works for you

Not saying it stops the anxiety.  I was scared.  I used to be able to do mind over matter things.  I'm not that good at it anymore.  Talked to my nurse practitioner today.  We dropped the clonidine, I will take the propranolol tomorrow night instead.  I talked with pharmacist also.  Like the picture says, "I only have to work on fixing me."  Kelli took me to Arkansas.  I have reached the stage that they all had rather someone drive me other than me driving myself.  I drive everywhere I want to drive.  But, I am appreciative of the help.  She is not well herself, but she works rings around me.  This is how I feel tonight.  Did not cut down my Xanax, but I have tried to.  I think in your case, Gwen, I would want all the help I could get, and I hope you go back to the dosage that helped.  We do need quality of life first, and hope quantity follows along behind.  My friend is in hospice, all medications cut off.  He came to see Billy when he was in the hospital.  He said he was ready to "go" but he hated hurting family and friends.  My thoughts are with him tonight.  October used to be my favorite month.  Not so anymore.  

I hope you get your meds adjusted and the pain and anxiety are lessened Gwen.  

[Margm]

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, probably best not to tell me, just ignore the extra box.  I'd try to fix it, but my fixit days are behind me.  Speaking of behind me, I had lost 8 pounds in six months.  Didn't try.  Oh well, no blood anywhere. Hypochondriac me will just keep rolling.  I mean 8 pounds, geeze, I guarantee you, no one but the scales and nurse knew. 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

October used to be my favorite month.  Not so anymore.  

Losing Steve in late October makes it a month I dislike.  Never was a Halloween person so there’s that too.  Then I start my journey thru January of birthdays, holidays and our wedding anniversary.  7th year.  Only the slightest bit more tolerable.  
 

Thank you for the validation on the Xanax, Marg.  You said to me what I’d tell someone else in this situation.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  We tell others things we need ourselves.  Quality of life always comes first.  Or should.  Sure don’t want what I have being drug out any longer than it’s going to be and the end isn’t remotely in sight yet.

Marg, my weight is light, but it changed about 6-8 pounds (down) also since surgery.  Mine is supposedly my body needing more calories to heal, but I know it’s also I’m not thrilled about food at all.  

I knew you would understand about Mel, Dee.  I now have an iota of an idea of how you suffered when you lost Maddie.  I knew, but I feel it in my heart so deeply now.  I can’t say more or I’ll cry.