My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Gwen, I understand too, it's very hard being so alone, I can't even describe how I felt when Arlie was dying and after he died.  I hope you can have Mel back with you in the not too distant future.  It's not only good to have their company, it helps us have incentive to keep going.

My hand seems worse, every time I take the band-aids off it's stuck to blood.  Had a phone visit with doctor yesterday, he wants me to call them Mon. and let them know how I'm doing, he may want to renew antibiotic which means 100 mile drive to town, ins. doesn't cover local pharmacy, ugh.  I hate wasting the last couple of good days before the cold rains set in for good.  He may want me to come in to see him this week, I hope not on my bdy.  Every time I talk to this doctor I like him even more, that's why I put up with his office.  Does me no good though if I can't ever get in to see him.  He said he would have put in stitches, the glue only held on one of the eight lacerations.  The rest are open and still bleed.

I talked Peggy into just doing takeout Wed. (she has dr appt on my bdy) instead of going out to eat, I cannot lift her walker in/out six times!  I can't do any lifting with this hand.  It was challenging yesterday having Micron come out to service my vacuum and air filtration systems (I have two to cover my house) they were filthy because of the horrid air quality this summer, he spent nearly two hours here, had to buy a part, altogether cost $534!  He tried to sell me an updated vacuum, nope, have to replace the back of my garage next.  Mine still works and I've kept the warranty current.

[KarenK]

Gwen, hoping all went well with home health care today and they were able to help you feel more comfortable at home. Hoping you feel well enough to care for Mel soon. I know how you miss her. Hang in there!

[Gwenivere]

Had my home assessment Saturday.  Am so sore and worn out. Added more movement than I’m used to and did some exercises.  She said I did OK and saw why I was having problems that could not have been foreseen.   I probably won’t be having any visits from them until Wednesday.  Have a telemedicine visit with my doc Monday and finally a therapy session Tuesday after weeks.  Wish it was my grief counselor, but she’s still recovering.  Ought to be interesting as I know I can’t sit at the kitchen table for almost an hour.  I’ll have to hold my iPad in the living room.  I’ll have to take face breaks.  Miss sitting at my desk and kitchen table.  

D did some grocery shopping today so I have dinner and a couple other things I wanted.  Nina deposited my insurance check.  Know the bills will be coming from rehab.

I really don’t know how I am going to do this recovery.  I’m so tired of pain and being alone so much.  I had to call Mel’s sitters as they needed info on her food to buy.  D agreed it would be cruel for both of us to 'visit'.  My waking routine is so hard to face.  It makes the world real.  No respite in sleep.  I actually miss rehab for the human contact.  Met some nice people and had a groove there.  Therapy was not predictable.  That was good.  Kept me adaptable.  Today I should be getting a shower.  Don’t know when that will happen and I know everyone knows how icky that feels.  
 

Another lonely night without my kid.  I wake up wondering what’s the point?   Pet parents know what that means.  No one waiting for you is so empty.  We already found that losing our dearest loved one.  So weird waking up to an empty house.  Truly empty.  

[kayc]

This is what you feared, and although I'm glad you are "doing ok" we wish so much more for you, yes even the luxury of a shower or being able to sit in your chair.  My sister sat in her recliner for about a year, not doing anything, but had her husband to do everything for her.  I'm feeling much the same also as I can't do ANYTHING with my hand and it looks worse than it did a week ago, mangled, bloody, what a mess, don't know how/when it'll heal.  It hurts like hell, unrelenting, trauma on top of trauma.  I did not foresee this at my age.  Five major injuries to my hands inside 1 1/2 years.

I hope we find our way back...I know your back is worse, not comparing, more like relating some...

[Gwenivere]

Doing OK is what the assessment says.  The reality of that is much different.  The assessment Saturday did me in and I can’t shake the depression about this.  Monday will be about a week I’ve been home.  7 days of the unrelenting pain.  
 

Nina came by but didn’t stay long as she thought she was getting a cold.  Dee brought me a dinner from the church.  Nothing really helped the emptiness I feel from being so dependent.  I normally would put the meal container in the garbage out side my door, but doubt I’ll be able to.  Can’t empty trash or recycling.  Have no idea what to watch tonight.  Just don’t care.  I feel icky from how clammy I get moving around.  So much we do we take for granted.

I know you found that out, Kay.  Different struggles, but ones that limit us in many ways.  Your injuries are very serious.  I wish you could have seen your doctor that would have fixed you up better.  I haven’t found anything for mine but time.  I’m so frustrated I can’t have Mel with me.  Some pretty brown eyes to greet me in the morning.  Lay here and be napping while I’m bored and provide some motivation.  I feel I add nothing to the world anymore.  What a weird reaction to having surgery!  What I didn’t know is how something could really cut you down when you’ve been running vulnerable for years.  I had a taste of it when Ally died last year.  
 

I am so fortunate I have people to help.  I treasure it, but feel bad I wallow.  It’s the little things like trash day coming up, checking plants, how will I change my underwear as the bath aide did it, I still haven’t found away to dress or put on slippers without straining.  
 

Im glad I can wallow here. Then it’s optional to read.  I was very down with my friend’s yesterday.  I don’t want to wear them out.  Talk to my doctor today.  I’m sure I’ll be a mess.  Unfortunately he’s not an expert on this.  But maybe it will help.  That would be a pleasant surprise.
 

 

 

[kayc]

My sister has a neighbor that stops and puts her garbage in the can for her if I don't do it already.  I've done so much for her but can't right now, I can't lift, I have to do everything one handed and some things can't be.  I have to tackle trying to get an appt. with my doctor today, I haven't seen his office be cooperative yet.

[Widow2015]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Nothing really helped the emptiness I feel from being so dependent.

Gwen:  I understand your emptiness from being dependent for everything.  That is so hard to accept under your circumstances.  I still want to believe you will be able to recover some kind of life.  It is so hard to find hope when the body is in such pain.  Even though I am living close to my son I have those feelings of being such a burden and worry to him.  I keep asking myself did I make the right choice moving out here so far away from a retinal specialist I trusted.  I had someone dependable and a lot more affordable to drive me to and from my eye appointments; a primary care doctor I could drive to within 5 minutes, etc., etc.  But then I have to again remind myself I had no other choice.  That is what is so awful for each of us here, it seems the lack of choices.  With our husbands, we had unlimited choices or at least choices we chose, not our situation making the choice for us.  You are blessed to have friends and some support available in your own home.  You made good choices in asking for their help.  I hope I'm not over speaking with my rattled brain, but it feels like a blue Monday kind of day.  Keeping you in my good thoughts, and feel free to "wallow".  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

With our husbands, we had unlimited choices or at least choices we chose, not our situation making the choice for us. 

Truer words were never said.  I feel so dependent and helpless relying on all the medical needs from people I don’t know.  I spent an hour with my mail order RX company as I got locked out of my account and had to register.  Have calls into my surgeon as the pain is so much worse since I got home, found I had no PT sessions scheduled, trying to schedule a shower.  Every call hit voice mail so you are always waiting.  Days begin early for them so I had to say don’t call before 1pm.  There are enough changes and I draw the line at more upheaval in mine.  I have all afternoon I sit here here for this stuff.  
 

I know you made some drastic changes in your move, Dee.  I’m still close to my doctors, tho I rarely go in.   Do everything virtually or by phone.  I do have to go to the surgeons next week and am dreading that.  I cannot imagine driving or being driven as far as you have to.  
 

It’s weird to want to be back in rehab that was so much easier than this.  People not very close to me think it’s great being home.  
 

talked to my doc via Zoom.  A social worker is coming by next Monday.  Should be getting calls from PT, OT and a nurse.  One good thing is a nurse can do a blood draw saving going to the lab.   I qualify for Meals on Wheels, but they bring 7 at a time (frozen) and I don’t have room for that.  I’m also too worn out to follow up on it. I’m heating a Mac and cheese tub for dinner and hope it will hold up for another night.  Usually add peas, but no Mel to eat the leftover of them.  Of course I spilled some liquid on the floor and bent to wipe it up. Often I just don’t care anymore.  
 

TV is annoying me.  People walk around, sit and do everyday things.  I can’t even refill my fountain because the distilled water is too heavy.  Wound our Regulator clock. Don’t need more silence.  
 

We’re looking at lots of rain coming.  Guess it will match my mood.  Dark and cold.  

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I know you made some drastic changes in your move, Dee.  I’m still close to my doctors, tho I rarely go in.   Do everything virtually or by phone.  I do have to go to the surgeons next week and am dreading that.  I cannot imagine driving or being driven as far as you have to.

Gwen:  I attempted to have my primary doctor refer me to a PC physician in the  same medical building as my dentist which is a sensible driving distance for me.  But, I have yet to hear back for my request.  I did receive an email this morning asking me to come in for a well check appointment.  Not sure which clinic the invite was from, and decided since I was already waiting for two other calls for other necessary changes in my life, I decided I'd wait another day to research.  Like you, I get weary of waiting for a human's voice to respond. 

I do hope you hear from your surgeon to address your increased pain.  I understand why you "just don't care anymore" having to face so many issues.  Looking for tomorrow to be a better day, although the weather is cooling down.  Dee 

 

[kayc]

I will have to return to my old doctor as I can't get seen by my doctor, never any follow through, they are slammed with too many people and not enough to go around, doctor out all week, had to see PA, they made me remove my bandages, didn't do anything for me, didn't even rebandage!  Won't help me with referral, instead want to schedule a visit to talk about it end of month, nope, done!  It does no good to have a wonderful doctor if you can't ever see him.  I'm due for blood tests, they wouldn't even do a blood draw!  So allergy specialist referral will have to wait.  The tongue/throat thing is why I left my previous doctor!  She acted like I had the bubonic plague and sent me for Covid testing, I don't have Covid, for crying out loud!  It's an allergy issue, maybe something else but not contagious, it's a condition and very painful, I've lived with this for over nine months now!  Just my tongue/throat resting hurts.  The mere thought of soda HURTS!

Gwen, could you ask your housekeeper to fill the fountain?  Sounds like something she could easily do.  Anything to help you out right now!

Dee, you have a way of putting into words what I want to say! 

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m appalled reading at the lack of treatment, Kay.  PA's are qualified to attend to wounds.  Why wouldn’t they rebandage it?  Clean it?  Check for infection?  Blood draws are tricky.  Most doctor offices don’t do them.  My old doc's did, but nowhere since.  I guess the nurse was trained in phlebotomy.  I can kind of understand checking for covid with the concern about the variant.  I was tested often in rehab and I had no symptoms.  It’s just part of life now.  But if it came back negative, they didn’t do anything to address your issue.  I’ve spent yet another afternoon with medical calls, all with complications, and just want to scream.  It’s bad enough trying to live my daily life with injury without the added stress of the legwork we have to do.  I’m trying to get a 4 wheeled walker like rehab.  Will have to pay %20 and they don’t deliver.  Gonna have to ask Dee for another favor.  Also got a message from the surgeon they were glad I was feeling better.  I said you read it wrong.  I’m in double the pain, if not more, since being home.  Are these robots or people reading this stuff?  Getting a human being is a huge challenge.

[KarenK]

Unbelievable that the walker couldn't be delivered! It's obvious you are disabled right now or you wouldn't need the thing.

I'll knock on wood as I say that I have no major complaints with my doctor, just the inconvenience of office visits every few months due to Tramadol being a controlled substance. There is a full time phlebotomist in his office and pee tests are done there also so no lab for me. Only have to go elsewhere for xrays. I have to stay on top of med refills as they are slow to respond sometimes. I sure don't have all the problems you and Kay seem to have.

Sure hope the surgeon's office pays more attention. What part of "I'm in more pain" don't they understand?

[Gwenivere]

Yah, Karen.  I don’t get the no delivery, but everyone has tons of help, right?  Feh.  Also the glaring misreading of my concerns to the surgeon.  
 

I had a feeling it was going to be a worse day.  Started with my accidentally setting off my life alert pendant.  Pain worse from trying to sleep on a different side. The usual chore of getting up.  Doc and insurance calls and a therapy appointment that wasn’t very fulfilling.  Then the real fun.  I heard beeping from the back of the house about 6:30pm.  It was the oxygen generator.  Dee rushed over and with the supplier on the phone we got it going.  While taking my pre dinner nap it began beeping again so had a tech out here at 11:30pm to swap it out.  I was up, down and moving around so much I have no idea what the fallout will be.  
 

what are the odds?   Pain meds didn’t touch the activity.  This is way beyond Tylenol's power.  I’d call my surgeon, but if I could laugh that it would help, I would.  Dee had headed home to take a shower.  My envy was enormous!  😡. She understood. 

[kayc]

I'm glad you have Dee.  I guess the only other thing you could do is call a taxi to pick it up and bring it to you!  So insane.  We have no taxis or ubers here.

I will keep my doctor's appt for 10/22 and see if I can get an allergy specialist referral for a scratch test, I don't want to mess around with elimination diets, been trying that, my diet is complicated enough, I don't want to waste any more time, II want to know what will help my tongue/throat NOW!!!  Nine months of this is hell enough!  Doctors don't want to see you if you mention throat, they automatically banish you and send you for a Covid test, it's not Covid!!!  I don't want a repeat of what I went through with my former doctor.  This is hell.  Sometimes I wish someone would just take me out and shoot me, but....I have Kodie.

What a day you had!  Just when you least feel up to it...

Gwen, sounds like you get as much help out of doctors as I do.  WTH!  No one listens anymore!

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, sounds like you get as much help out of doctors as I do.  WTH!  No one listens anymore!

I know.  Today I made lots of phone calls as usual.  Occupational Therapy is coming out Thursday and said I could try a shower.  I got the urge to try myself last night but came to my senses.  I so want one but the pain is so intense.  The timing is not in my med comfort zone, tho anxiety would abound even then..  

I think about going into the surgeon next week and want to scream at them....what did you do to me???   I was dismayed I got an email from my grief counselor about 2 people she knew that had back surgery and were back to work in a couple months.  I know I have broken rules for my recovery, but I know these people did not have this surgery.  It’s just not like her to say something like that.  She’s still recovering from her heart attack so maybe she just wasn’t thinking of how that would hit me.
 

I have to have my housekeeper do much of what I did to free her up for bigger projects.  Less mess without dog hair and feathers.  Tho I wish I did have those.  Dee came by today and put my portable AC away and a couple other tasks.  Picking up sandwiches for me for the next 4 days.  Although we are friends, I’m paying her for her time when I can as her finances are very limited.  It’s the least I can do for all she’s done and will do.  I’ve never known a person who helps so many people.

The problem is my back can’t tolerate any weight while standing and often sitting.  Haven’t a clue how to get the pelvic joint to heal.  Guess another question when I’m strangling the surgeon.  
 

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I was dismayed I got an email from my grief counselor about 2 people she knew that had back surgery and were back to work in a couple months.

I've said it so many times before and I'll continue to say it:  Comparisons invalidate.  They're not appropriate.  Every back surgery is unique just as every person is unique, so is their recovery.  My sister took a year, that doesn't mean yours will, it could be longer or shorter...she didn't put any effort into recovery and her husband did everything for her.  That didn't help her, sure it did in the short term but in the long term she needs to do what she can for herself.  I hope the worst is behind you but it may be a while before you see a noticeable difference, anything noteworthy.  I'm sorry it's so hard.  Yes it does sound uncharacteristic for a grief counselor to say that, I hope you called her out on it.  I do, I never used to but with George gone, I'm the only one I have that will stand up for myself.

Have not heard from my kids or friends about my bdy so I guess it's a day like any other.  Will probably get a call at bedtime.  Today is my little guy's birthday too, I feel honored that he was born on my bdy, a gift to me!  He doesn't look too fazed by it!

 

[brat#2]

Happy Birthday Kay and Kodie, what a great gift!

[KarenK]

Now, that is one relaxed dog! Happy B-day Kay and Kodie. Hope you're holding at 39. I am 😁

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

but I know these people did not have this surgery.  It’s just not like her to say something like that.  She’s still recovering from her heart attack so maybe she just wasn’t thinking of how that would hit me.

Gwen:  As kayc said, all back surgeries are not alike.  I became somewhat educated on back surgeries when my daughter had her back surgery years ago.  There is no way one back surgery can be compared to another back surgery.  My sister in law seemed to have had a similar surgery and her recovery time differed from my daughter's.  I wonder if the way the medical field writes pain medicines now could be the difference?  Dee

[Widow2015]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Today is my little guy's birthday too, I feel honored that he was born on my bdy, a gift to me! 

Happy Birthday kayc and Kodie.  Yes, such an honor to be able to celebrate your birthday together.  Hugs to you both, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Happy Birthday Kay and Kodie!  Cool coincidence.  I hope you hear from your family.  💕😃🎂🎉🎊🎈

[Gin]

Happy birthday Kay and Kodie, too.

[Margm]

Happy Birthday to Kay and Kodie.  Hope it is getting beautiful autumn weather and the fires are gone.  

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I've said it so many times before and I'll continue to say it:  Comparisons invalidate.  They're not appropriate. 
 

Yes it does sound uncharacteristic for a grief counselor to say that, I hope you called her out on it.  

I do intend to tell my grief counselor about the remarks.  As you said, comparisons are invalidating.  I don’t know how anyone could have had the major surgery I had and be back on their feet even close to normal.  I was already told 6 months minimum.  
 

The OT woman was out for an hour.  Lots of suggestions of more stuff to buy or change.  Like getting rid of shower doors for a curtain that I have no idea how I’d get done, even with Dee's help.  All she had time for was me getting in the shower to see if I could sit on the stool.  She didn’t have time to see how I do other tasks.  Coming back in a week.  One suggestion was to go to a different kind of care facility and be away from home again.  Do not want to do that.  Bath aide coming Friday and nervous about that.  Hoping I can do this.  My housekeeper will be here too.  I hate massive activity as I’m not tolerant of it as I’m worn out by  just living with this.  
 

The surgeons PA called and it was a good conversation.  It’s OK to bend and twist some now.  I can cross my legs which helps.  I’m supposed to walk up and down the hall, which I do anyway.  He emphasized how severe this surgery was.  He understood the frustration.  That the stories I’ve heard of quicker recoveries were not this one.  
 

So another day coming up of dreaded anticipation.  The next biggie will be Thursday going to the surgeons office to be checked out.  I did emphasize I’ll need assistance and couldn’t take being there long.  Doc said he would try and expedite things.  
 

Dee's going to be busy with stuff for a bit.  Know I will see her Sunday for the church meal.  She always says to call if needed, but I don’t want to burn her out.  I’m not used to someone actually caring.  It’s been so long I’ve felt like I matter.  
 

 

[kayc]

Hanging an adjustable rod with curtains should be easy for an able bodied person to do, not sure how to remove a shower door, may take a handyman or construction person, depending on how it's installed in there, some screw in, some are more permanent fixtures.  Gosh I'm glad I live in this small town where I know who is good at what, city people charge more!

My phone was out last night and it took an hour on line to report it and they did some checking (it was out at the box outside so not something inside the house) and reset something on their end and I got it back.  Called my daughter back & talked, then my son...he greatly upset me though, the people that got Enzo returned him as he didn't get along with their older dog.  Ya think?!  But what he said next greatly upset me, so much so that I only slept two hours last night WITH my sleeping pill and a Benedryl!  He blames Kodie for Enzo's attack, saying it was how KODIE reacted to him that prompted it.  I told him Kodie SENSED something in this dog and HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT IT!  WTH!!  They also blamed Arlie when he got attacked by their other dog (eight times...funny, Arlie is the only one that received injuries in each of them!).  It's a case of "My dog can do no wrong..."  I also see Bethany's harping influencing him.  I knew she'd blame Kodie/me somehow.  That dog would have had Kodie for dinner had I let him!  No consideration given how my SON handled the "introduction" or lack of.  I need to let go of this or my BP will soar again, but I'm so upset...

Other than that one phone call, our day went well, Iris invited Kodie and I over for a movie after dinner, and the dogs got a second playdate!  It was fun and Kodie had a great day, special food, treats, etc.

I feel God had a hand in creating Kodie just for me...I don't believe in coincidences to that extent, that he would be conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday!  Even his name was uncanny, how it came into my head the first time I laid eyes on his picture/video, I hadn't even known the breeder had named him or that my son had gotten a tag made with his name and misspelled it so that it was the name that popped into my head.  Just what the doctor ordered, this little furball, just for me!  

Gwen, I'm glad you'll bring this up with your counselor, I'm sure she didn't intend it to come across as it did, but a good thing to drive home...no comparisons!  It's why I never brought up Peggy's recovery time, first of all she doesn't put forth the effort you do, second, different types of surgery (hers was 2-3 crushed vertebrae), third she had help in recovery, fourth, we all very not only in effort but physical condition/limitations, etc.  It does no good to compare!  It doesn't even give a ballpark figure, and any estimation is just that, an estimation that may/may not be accurate.  

I don't feel like going anywhere today but probably will as maybe it'll do me some good to get out among people with more sane lives...

Gwen, you have no idea how many times I wish I lived closer so I could tangibly help you, ha, that's a laugh, me with my lack of hands and knowledge!