My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Kay, I really hope it doesn't take an attack on the children before your son wakes up! It's obvious this dog is aggressive or the new family wouldn't have returned him.

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

don't feel like going anywhere today but probably will as maybe it'll do me some good to get out among people with more sane lives...

I’m pulling that sentence to sum up your whole post.  It so sums up my developing cabin fever and the interactions with people that drive us nuts.  I can’t leave tho.  Glad you have that outlet.
 

I haven’t heard from my grief counselor about the comparison SNAFU.  I’m shocked at your son’s reaction to the dog issue.  Kodie obviously picked up on a dangerous situation.   They sense that instinctively.  That’s a huge red flag the dog was returned AND after the attack you were involved with.  Why did he and his wife even get this dog?  Trying to turn the tables back to you is unfair.  
 

The birthday coincidence makes me wonder if Arlie came back to you.  🙂

We are agreed on comparisons.  It’s more than the procedure.  This would be SO different if I had a partner.  Easier.  Plus, as you said, my other challenges have to be figured in.  It also created a new one without help that made the pain worse.

I know you would help me.  You are a most giving person.  Always make sure you take time for you.  As always, I’m jealous you have Kodie.  I woke up one morning hearing Mel’s bark.  I miss her so much.  Trying to quell the fear I won’t get her back is tough.  I’m not letting anyone invalidate it.  They aren’t in my situation or even close.  This is a natural reaction for any pet parent unable to foresee when or if they will get recovered enough.  People keep saying tell myself ‘temporary'.  Easier said than done.  They’d have a different view if it were their kid.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Why did he and his wife even get this dog?

Because Bruno is getting old, they hoped to train a young one before this one goes.  But sometimes you should consider the situation of the elderly dog too, I didn't want to do that to Arlie, I'd hoped for many more years with him and learned in a split second that was not to be, and certainly didn't want to destroy his peace as he was dying!

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Kodie obviously picked up on a dangerous situation.   They sense that instinctively.  That’s a huge red flag the dog was returned AND after the attack you were involved with.

Good, it's not just me thinking this, others feel the same too!  My son has a way of shoving his perspective so forcefully as to make me feel gaslit, like my perspective is off kelter, somehow.   I just need to let it play itself out as I have no control over it.  When all the bills come in for this, I'll send them to him.  He's made no mention of it since the time it happened.  I've been appalled at how little interest he's shown in what I am going through, let alone how this all affected Kodie.  My sister Polly (I've heard) is furious!  Nothing was handled right about any of this, imo.  And worst of all, I feel it's affected our relationship, but then it's been affected with his wife's treatment for many years now.  I have to fault him for never standing up for me and LETTING her be so nasty, yes I know at the end of the day he has to live with her...but does he not think about how he lives with himself once I am gone?  Just my thinking...

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The birthday coincidence makes me wonder if Arlie came back to you.

That thought has occurred to me, not sure about the whole reincarnation thing but maybe his care towards me had some input/affect?  IDK.  But I do believe God had a hand in this and if Arlie did have a paw in it, that's cool too!🐺

Gwen, as someone whose first instinct is hit high anxiety and someone who heart is her dog, I get your concerns and would never invalidate them, I know how real it feels/is.

[Margm]

I think the propranolol helps the shaking.  Of course it is not gone.  It is not like Parkinson's, continual shaking, actually sometimes does not shake at all.  For a very long time now, I have had a shakiness inside I thought was anxiety and it went on through my fingers where I could not even type.  It has stopped.  But, I told my daughter I definitely was more depressed.  She said "Mama, it is not the pill, it is just a few days until Daddy's been gone six years."  That is true.  I think living with him for 54 years, I saw things through both our eyes, we'd agree or disagree, very seldom disagreed the last 30 or so years.  I cannot find the joy that seeing things just through my eyes, without Billy's, I cannot find any joy in that.  I have tried the driving around and I cry most of the time.  I sometimes just want to stay in the house.  No fishing, that was mine and Billy's sport.  I do believe though Kelli is right, I just don't like October, used to be our picture taking month, the autumn leaves.  I hope you all get to feeling better soon.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, as someone whose first instinct is hit high anxiety and someone who heart is her dog, I get your concerns and would never invalidate them, I know how real it feels/is.

I saw a Blue Bloods the other night. One of the families house burned down.  What was said was......a house is just a house without a family to make it a home.  Everyone keeps telling me Mel will be home sooner than later.  They just don’t get it.   One thing I’ve noticed is I’m so restless being without her is I get up and down to do things to stay busy, thus causing more pain. If she were here, I know I could sit still longer with her company.  I could talk to her.  This afternoon I overdid it sorting meds which is complicated normally.  Didn’t listen to my body which was saying this is too much to do all at once with only short breaks.   I’m trying to prove I’m still capable and ignoring advice to slow down.  
 

Marg, I absolutely hate October.  I always will.  Definitely no joy and already Xmas and Thanksgiving commercials are starting. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

[kayc]

Marg you talking about shakiness reminded me of a famous actress (can't think of her name for the life of me, very pretty) who made a video of her putting her makeup on shakily and her lipstick was all over the place, ettc. she did it to make people laugh during coronavirus, I loved it, I wished I'd saved the video!

[Margm]

I didn't see it Kay, but if I try to put on eye makeup it winds up on my ears.  I have lived since the 6th grade with this getting a tiny bit worse each year, sometimes not even noticeable.  It came on my aunt late in life and she quit eating, she just plain didn't want to live.  She had lost everyone in her family and her great grandchildren and grandchildren did not want to put up with her weird angry life.  She had been that way as long as I had known her, and we grew up together.  She lost her beauty though, and she could not handle that.  I figure I have lost nothing but Billy and once or twice in a long time, have to find a bathroom fast.  I don't mind staying at home.  I cannot see and plan through both of our vision, so I will just wait it out.  The shaking is like the chronic depression, they are part of me.  

 

[scba]

On 10/9/2021 at 9:47 PM, Marg M said:

  I cannot find the joy that seeing things just through my eyes, 

That's me, too.

I take pics on my trips, but I don't look at them when I'm back. I don't have albums. My pro camera, which I bought in hopes of taking pics of both of us, has pics stored from my trips. But No pics of us in there.  Didn't download the pictures. I should because all in all I enjoyed those journeys. Don't know why I do this. 

I never take selfies and I don't ask people to take a pic of me for souvenir. There's something about the past of this present life which I don't look back. What I see is what I get.

[Gwenivere]

Heck of a Monday.  Social worker and a nurse came over.  SW really couldn’t offer much.  She did wind my clock and put my mail out!  The nurse did so many tests I’m worn out physically.  I did switch over to the 4 wheeled walker I had.  Hoping it will help calm things down.  It will take days to find out and have to get thru Thursday at the surgeon.  Need to get my portable oxygen out and charged and I can’t find it!  I’m hoping it’s in the car and Dee moved it when she brought me home.  I can have a psychiatric nurse come by.  I need that as I’m upset with my therapist.  I can get a flu shot at home which is cool.  The booster covid will be a problem.   
 

Mel’s sitters are going out of town in a little over 2 weeks for a couple days.  They want to bring her home and I’m praying that will be something I can handle.  Time to start getting serious about resting.  But it’s impossible to avoid some things.  I’m hoping the surgeon will have some answers about how I am doing some things.  It’s hard to know when everything you try results the same.  
 

The mental side remains challenging.  So hard waking up knowing I face another long day of.......nothing.  Nothing fulfilling inside.  Dreading what will be the next fire.  Doubting myself to keep handling them.  I haven’t worked thru the anger of Steve’s leaving as so much would be non issues like Mel and eating.  
 

I read an article in AARP magazine about losing purpose and isolation can lead to extreme anxiety.and PTSD.  I so ache to feel life is full and inspire me to smile waking up.  Look forward to the day, not dread dragging myself up.  
 

Ana, I think I understand about the pictures.  I’ve totally forgotten how to use our camera and transfer them.  It’s just Mel and me anyway.  A big part of who should be in there too isn’t.  How I miss that face.  😓

[kayc]

Gwen, I hope it all pans out with Mel being home.  I haven't been able to bathe Kodie since the dog bite, so he's had to clean himself after he gets mucky outside, he's done a good job of it and feels so soft from the rainwater bathing him (after he dries).

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I read an article in AARP magazine about losing purpose and isolation can lead to extreme anxiety.and PTSD

I bet it was a good article, wish I could have seen it.  Isolation is hard.

[Gwenivere]

You can Google AARP articles about anxiety and isolation.  Lots of links.  I read a couple this afternoon.

Got a call today my shower I didn’t schedule was cancelled.  Next Tuesday.  PT wanted to come out tomorrow and I said no way.  I’m still wondering if I can get to the surgeon Thursday.  OT coming Friday.  Had a Zoom therapy session with my guy I’m not sure I want to stay with.  I’ll have to schedule a visit with the home health care psychiatric nurse.  I don’t think those are indefinite tho.  
 

Think I found the right charger for my oxygen.  Will find out when Dee brings it in tomorrow.  My computer decided to take a nap when I needed to make some copies.  More bending I didn’t need to wake it up.  Trying to decide on dinner.  2 things I should eat tonight for freshness.  Not that I care about food, but I hate wasting it.  And there’s the dreaded kitchen chair to sit in.  
 

I'm just glad the day is over and the phone is done.  Really have gotten to hate that thing.  Unless it’s Dee, it’s some problem.  
 

Still worried about Mel, if there is some way to feel some progress and getting 'addicted' to being home bound because it’s so hard to muster any sliver of positivity.  If only I could do more than amble around here so disabled.  Heard the mail come and no way to get it safely.  Stuff like that is ego deflating.  Still mad at Steve.  The world.  My body.  
 

Watching American Crime about the impeachment of Clinton.  Well written and distracting.

[kayc]

Nixon should be on that list but quit beforehand.  We've had some doozies.

Hoping Mel will add more to your life that outweighs what you expend on her.  Everything is hard right now, wishing something would become easier!  Do Ubers/cabs ever help people in/out of the car?  I can't help my sister in/out as she's 2-3 times my size, dead weight seems heavier too.  I have a hard enough time walking Kodie when he pulls from my core, for 20 lbs, he is one strong puller!  Pinch collars too big, so are Haltis.

So glad you found the charger for your oxygen!  Did you find the portable one or is that what you're talking about?

[Gwenivere]

I wouldn’t risk a cab or Uber.   It’s not weight but strain on my spine from a sedan that concerns me.  Don’t know if it could be done without damage by someone not trained to work with the situation.  
 

Have you tried an Easy Walker?  The leash  attaches to a harness by their front chest so if they pull, they pull themselves back.  Worked great for my dogs.  Eventually they stopped pulling at all.  I can’t find a link, but they are on Amazon, Chewy,  Petco and Petsmart.  
 

cannot imagine Mel here right now.  Each day is getting worse.  I'm at wits end with the pain.  Feel something is wrong.  Can’t control the panic.  Nurse is coming by for a blood draw.  Dee's bringing food later.  I laid in bed thinking I am done and want this to end.....for good.  Scary frame of mind.  I don’t see how this is going to improve since getting so much worse coming home.  Each day more so.  I can’t think rationally as this goes on.  
 

Dee and I went over how we are going to get me to my appointment.  She’s going to have to get a wheelchair.  I hope I can make it and hear this is normal being home.  That would help so much to know.   If I can’t make it to the car, I’ll have to cancel.  We’ll be cutting it close on arrival, but I don’t want to wait around.  Wish it wasn’t so cold.  I wanted to stay in my slippers but best put on my shoes that are hard to do.  Plus a coat.  All minor things that are huge when you’re so limited.

I so hate having panic disorder.  It so complicates everything.  I don’t need the mental battle with the physical.  I’d rather view this as a challenge than in unreasonable fear.  😰
 

 

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I wouldn’t risk a cab or Uber.   It’s not weight but strain on my spine from a sedan that concerns me.  Don’t know if it could be done without damage by someone not trained to work with the situation.  

Gwen:  I wish there were something in Seattle like I use here in Pierce County, Pegasus Lifts, to transport me to my eye injection appointments.  Although the vehicles are sedans, a van, they do have a wheelchair onboard if needed. 

My health issues are nowhere as severe and painful as yours, but I do understand your fears of not being an independent adult fighting our limitations.  Keeping you in my thoughts as you prepare for another day.  Hugs, Dee    

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Dee.  That transport service looks very good.  We have Access which is a joke for timing and private companies too.  Have to keep an eye on finances as my insurance doesn’t pay for that.  Don’t think Medicare does either.  
 

It’s the anxiety that is the huge challenge.  If you’ve not had an anxiety or panic attack without it being a reaction for survival or shock, it’s impossible to describe.  The pain makes extremely more sense to me.  Taking extra meds with me if I can make it to the car.  
 

Really getting cold.  Had to put on warm knee high socks.  Time to break out the electric blanket.  Miss my natural bed warmers.  Steve and Ally.  🛏🐕
 

 

[KarenK]

Just wanted to send good vibes and wish you luck on your appointment tomorrow. Hope the surgeon has some ideas about ending your continuous pain. Too bad the social worker didn't step up and arrange a medical transport for you. I would think that would be part of her job.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Have you tried an Easy Walker?

I haven't tried a harness mainly because Arlie would chew his off and I'd have to sew it up again every night before I'd walking him!  Not sure what Kodie would do, but maybe if I only used it on the walking.

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I wanted to stay in my slippers but best put on my shoes that are hard to do.

My sister has this issue too, can't bend down to velcro sandals so has to wear close toed year-around, orders Clarks slip ons.  Life is so hard for those who have infirmity!

They should have arranged medical transport, if  they did, would the ins. cover that?

I wish you well with it tomorrow!!  We're all rooting for you.

[Gwenivere]

I’m hoping Dee and I can pull off getting me there.  I have no idea if insurance would pay for a post op visit.  They don’t pay (that I know) to transfer from the hospital to rehab and that was a necessity.  They didn’t last time and that was on the better policy.  They charge for an ambulance.  That leaves the city’s free service but it takes hours coming and going.  
 

Igh, can’t zip up my shoes with warmer socks.  Ride is here.  Hoping this works.

[Gwenivere]

I made thru the appointment.  Very hard getting there and back.  Doc thinks look good as far as healing.  Prescribed more pain meds since things have gotten worse being home.  I only take some once a day.  They want me to get an X-ray before a telemedicine follow up in a little over 2 weeks.  That is a problem.  They do X-rays there, but just knees and hips right now.  I’d have to go to the hospital and there is no help getting in there.  (Wheelchair)  I had Dee for the visit as I knew she would be able to remember more than I did.  We went and picked up burgers and watched  the seagulls for a bit.  I kept thinking how I can’t be a part of anything for a long time to come.  Seeing more changes made me sad as we talked about old places that were being replaced.  There is really nothing that we lived with for decades.  They were homey, warm places you always thought would be there.  I guess being away for 6 weeks made things more glaring that I tuned out daily.  Their ghosts still linger tho.

Now I have to get prepared for the fallout from today’s activity.  It’s been bad all evening.  So crazy.  Up and down 6 stairs.  Sitting in my car.  Microwaving my burger.  Feeling scummy from the pain sweats.  Got a good taste of the pain Steve felt when his cancer spread to his bones and I’d be driving.  Slightest cause of movement agony.  
 

Have Mel (home or boarding for 4 days) when she’s adjusted, upcoming shower, a sensitive tooth and so many home health visits making me feel smothered.  Then being alone feels isolated.  There’s got to be some kind of light in this darkness.  I’ll have to keep looking but I’m worn out.  Months to go!  Sarcastic yippee.  🥺

 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, pep talk coming...........Give yourself a gentle pat on the back. You made it through today, hard as it was. You will make it through tomorrow and all the tomorrows after for as long as it takes. Remember slowly, but surely you are healing. In a couple of weeks, you may  be moving a little better. Try talking to home health or the social worker about medical transport. They might have some information.

Good to hear the doc is trying to help with the pain. Do you have Mel with you now?

[kayc]

I'm with Karen on this, you did it!  Is the Dee you speak of our Dee or another one?  Whoever she is, she's an angel!  Thank God for her.  I know you're exhausted and in pain but you did it, I'm impressed with your grit, but know you don't have a choice really.  I hope it helps having Mel home, I know it'll cost you more activity but hope it helps having her to wake up to.

I'm sorry to hear your tooth/teeth have sensitivity, do you have sensodyne toothpaste?  Can order from WM or Amazon probably.  I try not to go in stores if possible with all the Covid, I now know 16 people with it, mostly in my church, not going for a while, it's closed for a couple of weeks anyway.  

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm with Karen on this, you did it!  Is the Dee you speak of our Dee or another one?  Whoever she is, she's an angel!  Thank God for her. 

kayc: No, "not our Dee", but another Dee.  I live just about an hour away from Gwen, but I don't drive to Seattle as much as I would love to be able to help Gwen, or any of you.  I do second that, the "Seattle Dee" is an angel and it is amazing how she came into Gwen's life when she did. 

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I made thru the appointment.  Very hard getting there and back.  Doc thinks look good as far as healing.  Prescribed more pain meds since things have gotten worse being home.  I only take some once a day.

Gwen: Was happy to read your Doc thinks healing is progressing, and the extra pain pills should give you some relief even once a day.  I have to agree with Karen and Kay you have to pat yourself on the back for making it this far.  As difficult as it has been, you have done it.  Wasn't clear if you have Mel now or will it be in 4 more days?  

Tears came to my eyes reading how you sat and ate while watching the seagulls.  That's what I miss now that I have moved inland, seeing the Puget Sound, the Olympic Mountains and the noisy seagulls.  It was just a 10 minute drive to be able to sit and remember what my life used to be prior to 2015.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Thank you all for the pep talks.  I’m just so tired of waking up depressed and knowing it’s another day fighting pain and challenge.  I am glad I made it, just added the new thing of getting an X-ray and the news about Mel.  
 

no, she is not here.  Just got an email about a boarding place and would need to get her sitters her vaccinations proof.  Plus they want a meet and greet first.  I’m so concerned about her mental state being thrust into another change.  Trying to figure out if it’s doable to have her home.  If I could just unload some of this I’d feel some freedom which I don’t now, it’s all pressure and worry.  I’m like a forced recluse. 
 

yes, it is all about how things are in my head right now.  Not having moved forward in a positive way like I was slowly doing.  Another frustrating day with home health and little fires to solve.  Getting on 7pm and I’m on hold about meds in conflict for refills.  
 

I don’t have a clue what it’s like to wake up and be OK about it.  Having lost her partner, Dee feels the same.  I know that’s why she keeps so busy helping so many.   I know it was a driving force when I was volunteering.  Purpose.  It’s so needed or we wither away.  That’s my battle now.  All of ours.  Some have found it and it’s great to see.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, maybe make a trial run of the things you do for Mel, like water, food, letting her out in the yard(unless you have a doggie door). That should give you an idea of what's coming. She will sense that you're not up to par and will probably act accordingly with lots of slobbery kisses and just be happy to be by your side. I agree it would probably be stressful for her to be boarded in a strange place. Of course, I'm not a fan of putting dogs in a cage. Maybe D could help with her for the short time your sitters are gone and if it's too much for you having her there, they can keep her a little longer when they return.

[kayc]

I'm sorry I misunderstood, I thought they were bringing her back to you while they're gone.

You speak of your volunteering...I spent seven years doing the books for our church, and while I enjoyed it, it was also a pressure, particularly the last year with my hands not working and my brain aging...it didn't help that soc. sec. wouldn't let me into the website or fix it or that the State of OR was a pain to deal with (payroll tax reporting).  Right now I am extremely thankful to be out of it and not HAVE to go into the office as the church is ridden with Covid right now, the pastor, secretary, treasurer, sound tech, elder/sun. sch. teacher all have it and I see it popping up everywhere.  The news keeps talking about the down trend but that's not what I'm seeing here, other than Jazzy's folks I don't see anyone any more, they're like family.  Peggy wants us to come by but I'm quarantining to be on the safe side, two more days of this...so far temp is normal.  I'd already been around Mike and Iris every day before learning about this, church closed for two weeks but not sure if/when I'll return...