Feels like yesterday

[Gloria Jean]

I'm not sure how this works, I was looking for someone to talk to about the passing of my mom on March 1, 2018.  Specifically, the guilt and anger I feel surrounding her hospital stay and ultimate passing.  Long story short, my mom had trouble walking more than 15 feet without feeling winded.  I took her to the emergency room at JFK hospital in Indio, even though she thought we were going to an emergency care.  JFK was across the street and I thought that would be a better place to get answers.  As she and I were headed back to the emergency room, a nurse leaned in towards my mom and told her not to worry, that she has AFIB and would be able to leave with medication,  Instantly putting myself and my mom at ease.  Six hours later, my mom was admitted.  She agreed to only stay ONE day, in which she held up one finger signifying she was only staying one day.  This was on a Sunday night.  Two days went by and she was still being treated in a hospital room....on the third day,  a doctor came in and completely ignored me.  He and I ended up having words on his bedside manner.  He then asked my mom who I was and she replied "my son"...he thought that was amusing.  After he left, she pointed to the corner chair and said "why is johnny sitting in the chair?"  We don't have a Johnny in our family nor have I ever heard her mention that name.  I had to leave for work and 3 hours later, I got a call from that rude Doctor to get to the Hospital as soon as I can.  I arrived and was told my mom was not in ICU.  As I was entering her room, the rude Doctor stopped me and said my mom had a bad reaction to medication (a statement he would later deny saying).  He also apologized to me for our initial meeting earlier in the day.  I went in to see my mom.  They told me she had a code blue twice in her hospital room and the CPR broke a few of her ribs and one of the ribs punctured her lung.  I was told she most likely won't make it thru the night and that the chance of her waking up would be slim.  My mom woke up within minutes of me talking to her.  For the next week, she improved daily...and was removed off life support and all machines.  I spent every day with her, only leaving to let my dogs out and to check on her dog at her house (we lived next door to each other). On one of the days, she asked me for water.  The nurse said she cannot have water, but she can have a sponge with water....so I gave her water on a sponge (I feel quilty that I didn't think to raise her bed and give her water with a water bottle and straw.  I was so afraid of going against what the nurse had said that the thought didn't come to me.  My mom loved water....and I didn't think to find a way to get her what she wanted? what?).  A speech therapist came in a few times to see if my mom can drink from a cup and determined that she cannot...not yet.  There were now calling my mom an ICU miracle and another of her doctors (not any nicer than the other) said in a few days she would be able to be transferred back to a regular room.  On the evening of going back to a regular room, a nurse who I hadn't seen before, came in to give her medication to slow her heart rate.  I asked if that was necessary and she said that was the direction she was given.   That was at midnight, March 1.  I kissed my mom and told her I was going to go home and get some sleep in my bed (I've been sleeping in a hospital chair for a week) and that i'd be back at 4:30am.   I told her I loved her, she said the same and I left.   I received a call around 3:55am or so from ICU that I need to get to the hospital.  I raced back to the hospital to find my mom had already passed at 3:53am.  I couldn't believe it!!  The reason I'm looking for help in dealing with my moms passing is because of the quilt associated with it.  Why didn't I notice that my mom was having a reaction to being overdosed?  Her thinking I was my brother and johnny in the chair?  I literally thought it was all a part of the process. What?  Not finding a way to give my mom more water....she would of moved earth to give me water if it was me in there.  Not having an autopsy...I didn't even think of it!!  After pondering over it for days, I finally decided to have my mom cremated as I was thinking that If I decided to move back home to Oklahoma, I would want my mom with me and I couldn't do that if I had her buried.  My mom didn't want to be cremated.  Another piece of guilt for me to deal with.  Back when my mom was off all of the machines,  I had the opportunity to ask her if she wanted to be resuscitated should something happen again.  At this point she knew the reason she was in ICU was because of the rib puncturing her lung during CPR.  She responded "let me go."  Made me cry.  I then told her that if anything happened to me, let me go as well.  It was a sad moment, but neither one of us felt we were going to need CPR anytime soon as she was a few days away from getting out of ICU.   So many other things happened in ICU, but this is the big picture.  A few months after mom passed, I called the hospital and asked who I can contact to get answers about my mom.  I was given a name and wrote, in detail, my moms experience as well as the times and dates of her medications, heart rate, etc...I sent several emails asking for the results of their investigation, and finally got a response 3 months later with a "form" email stating my mom got the utmost care from JFK.  I replied for them to look again.  They never responded after that.  I don't have closure, and I don't have peace.  I'm just looking for somewhere to go for help.  Thanks for your time...

 

[feralfae]

Dear Gloria Jean, 

I am so very sorry that you have lost your mom. There are others here on the forum who are much better than I at helping you, but I read your post and wanted to say welcome.  I am glad you found this wonderful healing place.  I know you will find some comfort here, and some help in letting go of the guilt. I lost my own mother a few months ago, and I am still coming to terms with her loss, with all the things that were unresolved when she left, and especially with the relationship I did not have with my own mother.  

You have been through a long and difficult roller-coaster of a ride with your mother's death and all the guilt. I know guilt after a loved one dies is common, and when my husband died, I felt a lot of guilt because I could not save him from the cancer. You loved your mom and you did the best you could while holding it together and managing your own deep grief.  I hope you can be gentle with yourself, and understand that you were not responsible for her leaving.  There are a lot of resources you can access through this site, and I encourage you to see what fits for you.  I know others will respond and offer more suggestions and solace. Peace to your heart, and I am glad you found this wonderful healing place. *<twinkles>*

[MartyT]

I am so sorry for your loss,  Gloria, and for the traumatic circumstances surrounding your mother's death. I offer the following in hopes that its content speaks to you in a helpful way:

Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death ~ and be sure to follow some of the links listed at the base. ❤️

 

[kayc]

Gloria,

In reading your story the thing that stands out to me foremost is your love and devotion to your mom.  Secondly, the terrible way the hospital/doctors handled things.  No excuse ever for the rudeness, they need to see the patients they work on with the utmost sensitivity and kindness and realize they are a valuable human being that someone else cares about more than anything in the world!  We aren't machines...perhaps they'd do better to work on cars than humans.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about, we are at the mercy of the medical professionals, view them as the authority, and seldom question what they say/do.  You DID stand up for your mom to the doctor and I applaud you for it!  That said, there is nothing I nor anyone can say to talk you down from the feelings of guilt that you have, they are but feelings to be worked through and I want you to know that this is a very common grief response.  It takes time for us to work through our grief, and as we do, it brings us more clarity and can help us see what/why we did as we did, forgive ourselves any shortcoming we feel we may have had, and progress through our grief process.  I'm glad you are not bottling up your feelings and are so able to express yourself here, this place has been a godsend to me and I pray it will to you also.

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace.

[stacy n.]

Sorry to hear about this.

Sound’s the same that happened to My Mother but My Mother got taking to A Nursing Home. 
 

On October 12TH Friday At 4:15pm My Mother died.

Back In October 13TH Of 1984 is when My Grandmother died who’s on My Mother side.

Very strange for this to a happen a day apart but different year’s.

 

[stacy n.]

On 1/19/2020 at 4:26 PM, Gloria Jean said:

I'm not sure how this works, I was looking for someone to talk to about the passing of my mom on March 1, 2018.  Specifically, the guilt and anger I feel surrounding her hospital stay and ultimate passing.  Long story short, my mom had trouble walking more than 15 feet without feeling winded.  I took her to the emergency room at JFK hospital in Indio, even though she thought we were going to an emergency care.  JFK was across the street and I thought that would be a better place to get answers.  As she and I were headed back to the emergency room, a nurse leaned in towards my mom and told her not to worry, that she has AFIB and would be able to leave with medication,  Instantly putting myself and my mom at ease.  Six hours later, my mom was admitted.  She agreed to only stay ONE day, in which she held up one finger signifying she was only staying one day.  This was on a Sunday night.  Two days went by and she was still being treated in a hospital room....on the third day,  a doctor came in and completely ignored me.  He and I ended up having words on his bedside manner.  He then asked my mom who I was and she replied "my son"...he thought that was amusing.  After he left, she pointed to the corner chair and said "why is johnny sitting in the chair?"  We don't have a Johnny in our family nor have I ever heard her mention that name.  I had to leave for work and 3 hours later, I got a call from that rude Doctor to get to the Hospital as soon as I can.  I arrived and was told my mom was not in ICU.  As I was entering her room, the rude Doctor stopped me and said my mom had a bad reaction to medication (a statement he would later deny saying).  He also apologized to me for our initial meeting earlier in the day.  I went in to see my mom.  They told me she had a code blue twice in her hospital room and the CPR broke a few of her ribs and one of the ribs punctured her lung.  I was told she most likely won't make it thru the night and that the chance of her waking up would be slim.  My mom woke up within minutes of me talking to her.  For the next week, she improved daily...and was removed off life support and all machines.  I spent every day with her, only leaving to let my dogs out and to check on her dog at her house (we lived next door to each other). On one of the days, she asked me for water.  The nurse said she cannot have water, but she can have a sponge with water....so I gave her water on a sponge (I feel quilty that I didn't think to raise her bed and give her water with a water bottle and straw.  I was so afraid of going against what the nurse had said that the thought didn't come to me.  My mom loved water....and I didn't think to find a way to get her what she wanted? what?).  A speech therapist came in a few times to see if my mom can drink from a cup and determined that she cannot...not yet.  There were now calling my mom an ICU miracle and another of her doctors (not any nicer than the other) said in a few days she would be able to be transferred back to a regular room.  On the evening of going back to a regular room, a nurse who I hadn't seen before, came in to give her medication to slow her heart rate.  I asked if that was necessary and she said that was the direction she was given.   That was at midnight, March 1.  I kissed my mom and told her I was going to go home and get some sleep in my bed (I've been sleeping in a hospital chair for a week) and that i'd be back at 4:30am.   I told her I loved her, she said the same and I left.   I received a call around 3:55am or so from ICU that I need to get to the hospital.  I raced back to the hospital to find my mom had already passed at 3:53am.  I couldn't believe it!!  The reason I'm looking for help in dealing with my moms passing is because of the quilt associated with it.  Why didn't I notice that my mom was having a reaction to being overdosed?  Her thinking I was my brother and johnny in the chair?  I literally thought it was all a part of the process. What?  Not finding a way to give my mom more water....she would of moved earth to give me water if it was me in there.  Not having an autopsy...I didn't even think of it!!  After pondering over it for days, I finally decided to have my mom cremated as I was thinking that If I decided to move back home to Oklahoma, I would want my mom with me and I couldn't do that if I had her buried.  My mom didn't want to be cremated.  Another piece of guilt for me to deal with.  Back when my mom was off all of the machines,  I had the opportunity to ask her if she wanted to be resuscitated should something happen again.  At this point she knew the reason she was in ICU was because of the rib puncturing her lung during CPR.  She responded "let me go."  Made me cry.  I then told her that if anything happened to me, let me go as well.  It was a sad moment, but neither one of us felt we were going to need CPR anytime soon as she was a few days away from getting out of ICU.   So many other things happened in ICU, but this is the big picture.  A few months after mom passed, I called the hospital and asked who I can contact to get answers about my mom.  I was given a name and wrote, in detail, my moms experience as well as the times and dates of her medications, heart rate, etc...I sent several emails asking for the results of their investigation, and finally got a response 3 months later with a "form" email stating my mom got the utmost care from JFK.  I replied for them to look again.  They never responded after that.  I don't have closure, and I don't have peace.  I'm just looking for somewhere to go for help.  Thanks for your time...

 

How awful.

i know what you’re going through.