8 years

[alexishope]

Two weeks from now, it'll have been 8 years since I lost my twin brother to pneumonia. We were only 13. I'm 21 now. It almost doesn't feel real that it's been so long. Every time I look at the calendar, my heart hurts so much when I realize how close the end of the month is. I keep wishing February would never come. He was in the hospital for 4 days, so even the days leading up to his death date hurt so much. It hurts that I can't remember his voice anymore. It hurts that every year I have to get older without him. It still hurts so much knowing I'll never get to hug him or make him laugh ever again. I remember how much he loved hearing about the books I read. He couldn't read well, so I think he liked to learn about books through me. There were two particular series I read that he loved, and it always hurts that I never got to tell him how they ended. 

I know everyone grieves in their own way, and I know grief takes time, but I hate how 8 years later the pain still feels fresh, like a wound that won't ever close. Losing him forever feels like I lost a part of myself. I sleep with his teddy bear on my bed and I'm reminded of him every time I look at it. I have pictures of us when we were little on my bedroom mirror. I want to have reminders of him, reminders that he existed, and most days it doesn't hurt to look at those reminders. But right now it hurts so bad to see his smiling face in those pictures. I don't want to take them down though, because that feels like it would hurt more. I just wish I knew how to make this pain lessen. I know I have my family who shares my pain, I know I can talk to them,  I know I can talk to my friends. But I also know none of it can make me dread next month any less.

I wish I knew how to stop thinking about everything. I wish I knew how to stop reliving the past. I wish I knew how to stop thinking of how he looked in that hospital bed, or how he looked when he was laying on his bedroom floor unconscious while we waited for the ambulance. I just wish I knew why everything still feels so fresh 8 years later.

[kayc]

Alexis,

I am so sorry, I know that some things just don't seem to go away and your missing and loving him are one of those things.  Have you thought of just talking to him out loud?  Telling him how the books ended?  I talk to my late husband and dog all the time and I know I'm not alone with this, most of us do.  I don't know if they can hear us, but who knows, maybe they can!  They've entered the spirit world, something we don't know a lot about but it helps me to remain hopeful and realize we don't know about all of the possibilities.  It doesn't hurt anyway.

Have you ever gotten grief counseling for your loss?  It seems to me, being a twin, that is one of the hardest losses to bear.  I hope you will consider it as a gift to yourself.  If we don't process our grief, it stays in the same place, even years later.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[alexishope]

Thank you for your message, kayc. I have sometimes tried talking to him out loud, but I think every time I did, I didn't really take it seriously and felt silly doing it, so it didn't feel like it helped at the time. Sometime, I'll try it again and take it more seriously. 

I did go to a grief support group for a few months after it happened, my sister and I in the children's group and my parents in the adult group, but honestly I don't ever feel like it helped in the long run because it wasn't a setting where I was comfortable openly talking about my brother and my grief. I wanna try and start seeing a therapist this year, find someone I can talk to in a private setting.

Thank you again for your message. It means a lot just to be able to write my feelings and have them read by people who understand completely what I'm going through.

[kayc]

I do hope you will see a grief specialist, not all counselors are the same so don't be afraid to try another one if at first you don't feel one is helping or you don't feel they resonate with you.  Perhaps an adult grief support group would be more beneficial than the one you remember.  I'm glad you're willing to try what you need to help you through this.