Forgetting Momentarily

[yoyoma]

Please do not get me confused, I am very well aware that my mother has died but I am the only one who has these brief moments every now and again where you forget? I guess it's not that I forget she died but that the weight of her death is gone, just for a fluttering moment. I could be in the grocery store looking for something and have a great memory of the two of us shopping come to mind and in the split seconds before I realize we will not be adding to those memories, it's as if I am in this clear space between the two realities of her being alive and dead.  This space (or time) doesn't consist of anything besides the void of the pain from her passing. I do find so much peace in these moments but I also sometimes feel guilty for trying to live in this tiny space where it doesn't hurt so much. And is it healthy for me to hang onto these moments? 

[kayc]

Yes, it's not only healthy but to be coveted!  To live in intense pain every moment continually is not healthy, we need respite, even if for a moment.  Sometimes we feel a false guilt for doing so, it's important to put up the hand to the guilt and realize that guilt's purpose is to bring about change where needed and barring that we can say goodbye to guilt.

So long as we do not shut out our grief chronically so that we do not do our grief work!  It's good to mete out times of grief and times of respite.  I like how this article puts it:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

[feralfae]

Dear Yoyoma,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your dear mother. I am glad you have found this caring place.

I am so very glad you are having these moments of respite. I remember when I first had them, and also felt guilty, as though by having moment of joy, I was somehow abandoning my heavy cloak of grieving widow—which I then felt I would wear always. Mind you, it was almost two years before I had my first moment of pure, distracted joy–I was admiring a cloud. And I almost did not let Creation give me a tiny dose of joy because of a sense of guilt if I were not in deep sorrow always, forever. 

I learned an incredibly valuable lesson: I could hold on to those tiny bits of the Light of Joy,  even as I walked through the "valley of the shadow of death" which we must walk if we have loved.  

I began to see these moments of joy as little reminders of the Promise of G*d: that as long as I stayed on my Path, and did not try to lead from my emotionally shattered spirit, I was going to be okay. I could not yet imagine that time from my broken place of bottomless grief and despair.  I could be able to smile at the clouds scuttling across the Divide, enchanted by the endless beauty of this Earth. We are the stewards of the Earth, so I am back to teaching about that when I can find an ear.   Cherish those little bright moments as medicine pills from your future joyful self. You are taking baby steps of healing from your grief.  Your healing has begun. Brava!  *<twinkles>* 

[Grove Girl]

Hi Yoyoma,

My name is Diana.  Bare with me, as this is my first time on a support site.  My mom, Emma, died in June 2019. She was 87. 

And I think to live to 87 years old is a nice, long life.  And yet, in the first few months after her death I kept thinking she should have lived longer!    

But in reality, I just wasn't ready to let her go.  I am holding on to her in spirit, and wish I had had more time with her.  Leading to this thought...  Would there ever have been a good or better time for my mom to pass away?  And that answer is no.   No... never.   Most of us feel we really "need" our moms.  The person that has known us best... the person that was always there for us...the person that believed in us - - and also the person you could tell almost anything to.  Such a strong and loving support in our lives...such an unconditional love.  And I loved her back big time.  In her older years I supported her.  I moved her to be closer to us. I did her shopping, i took her to the doctors & dentist appts., I cooked extra food to take over to her... and I enjoyed her wonderful company in return.  We  had really become so much closer than ever before.  4 years of having her 15 minutes away.  It was wonderful. 

I'm at the 8, almost 9 month mark since her passing.  And I wanted to say I have those same feelings of guilt when I forget about her for a short time, but then there are times when I am relieved of the grieving and it is just that - a relief of that weight of sadness.  I know in time I will have longer spans when I am not so sad.  And that will be good.  It will not mean that I am forgetting her.  It will not mean that I do not long for her company again.  It will not mean that I don't love her any less than I always have.  It will just be different.  I am sure I will always miss her... I just hope my heart doesn't hurt as much as it does now...and that my eyes don't fill with tears so often.

And as I type those words my heart just aches. 

I just miss her physically being here.  Her words of wisdom...her sweet patience... he love of life and the simplest things... her perfume...her smile...her laugh...her hugs.  I know she would be chiding me to not be so sad... She'd probably be saying "think of the good times together".   I am my sweet Momma.  I'm doing my best Mom.   

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I hope my words have helped you in some way?

   

 

[kayc]

@Grove Girl  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm also sorry for the guilt feelings, sometimes we feel guilt in our grief even when not deserved, it's our way of trying to find a different possible outcome.  It's a normal grief response, we all wish we could have said or did something different that we can't go back and change but when we're living our lives and have no way of knowing what's about to happen, other things factor in, busy with job, other demands, etc.  That is normal too.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

Be kind and forgiving of yourself, I like this:

13 hours ago, Grove Girl said:

I'm doing my best Mom.