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ChrisMitch2020

Loss of 5 and a half year relationship due to bereavement

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Hi all,

I was hoping someone can give me some advice on this.

I was finished by my girlfriend of almost 6 years due to 2 issues. The first one being her mental health problems which i didnt fully understand, and how to support due to my relationship inexperience as i just gave her space as i thought thats what she wanted? but i kept checking on her and she had a go at me for not helping properly yet she didnt sit me down and tell me everything properly, she just went upstairs and i thought she was just having bad times at work as thats what she said to me, we got through this as i managed to take her to Florida for her 30th Birthday.

The second issue was she tragically found her dad passed away after finishing at work, she found him which is unthinkable for anyone. So i rush home to be with her after i got the phone call from her when i was at work. She was in a right state, and i had to support her with the tears, i was cradling her in my arms telling her how much i loved her and she was on medication to help her sleep due to night terrors, and i was on standby to help her when the tears started, and cradled her again and again for weeks on end. I went to the funeral with her and held her hand in the funeral car, and provided as much support as i could to the family as they meant the absolute universe to me. So the funeral gets completed, and when we would lie in bed she would tell me please dont die i love you so much, and she was doing things like checking my pulse etc, and i was so worried about her mentally, i just didnt know what to do but told her im here for her. Then her mum came back home due to a breakup, and our relationship became even harder, and we couldnt spend time together, and i suggested center parcs for us to spend time together, but she refused point blank. She then told me that her friends were going to Dubai and asked me if she could go, and i couldnt say no as god knows what would have happened. Then we went to her cousins wedding, but my head was a mess after everything that had happened, and at the wedding a huge arguement erupted with her family, and she comes to me crying her eyes out, saying everything reminded her of her dad, so i calmed her down. When we got back to the hotel room, there was arguements again in her family, and what was running through my head was would full intimacy had helped her? as i really didnt know what to do, so we did something different, and when done she was lay on me saying its so hard, and she then took a tablet to help her sleep.

When she went to Dubai, she text me stating that she liked being on her own, and i thought to myself is this just space she was enjoying? when she came back i was so happy to see her and hold her again but she was super angry, and i just didnt know what to do, we got in bed and tried to cuddle but she wouldnt let me near her.

Then before my birthday on Nov 2, she said we should break up, but i managed to bring her round, telling her how much i love her and how much she meant to me.

Then we broke up on Nov 9, she woke me up from a nap and basically said she was sick of being miserable, and mentioned when i was poorly at a friends wedding due to having acid reflux issues and the medication i was taking was making me vomit, so i was made homeless practically, couch surfing for 2 weeks whilst i found somewhere to live, I was devastated beyond belief to lose her. I got a text from her Xmas day 2019 saying i know your angry at me just making sure you had a nice day xx which i did not answer, then i text her NYE as i was so miserable and heartbroken and she just told me to move on and forget her.

Have i done anything wrong here or does she just need time on her own for a while?

Thanks

Chris

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Chris, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation as you sound like a very caring supportive person that doesn't deserve this.  But be that as it may, if you're looking for a way to get her back, I hate to tell you but that's not likely going to happen.  There's a certain number of people that break off their relationships when they encounter grief.  The rest of us want someone being there for us, being supportive, but for whatever reason, the others don't want that.  They feel being in a relationship is too stressful and they can't do a relationship and grieve at the same time.  And no it's not likely that time will help the situation.  For some they feel guilty for what they gave to the relationship instead of the parent that died.  Rationale need not enter in, this is emotion based.  They can be with their friends, etc. but not with you.  Of the hundreds who have written threads about this very thing here, I only remember maybe one who made it through intact.  I was one who lost my fiance of a year when his mom was dying.  It's been almost ten years ago and he currently has his XW living with him, not romantically involved but because he didn't want her homeless.  

It takes time with no contact to begin to heal and to get clarity on this.  I hope you will consider doing that for your sake; also out of respect for her wishes.  It's not likely to change given any amount of time, I'm sorry.

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Hi Kay,

Ive been through absolute hell because of all of this, i feel i made mistakes that caused the death of my relationship with her, due to my inexperience (the mental health stuff) i had no idea on what to do, but we seemed to get through it.

Then her dad died, and i helped her as best as i can but there was so much i did not understand. When i lost her i was so angry and upset, i lashed out at her when she told me to stop messaging her family, but i messaged them to say goodbye and thank you, but they thought i was going to end my life. She sent me a text Xmas day saying i know your angry at me and just hoping you had a good day which i didnt answer because i was so emotional. I then text her NYE saying how much i loved her but got nothing back and apologised to her for if i did her wrong, and i think now i didnt do much wrong and she is just grieving.

My brother stupidly sent her a threatening message on the 2nd of Jan which i had no clue about until she contacted me, and i was like for gods sake, if things could get any worse, and seeing her mum so upset made me feel even worse.

I wrote to her recently trying to open out a discussion with her, to see how shes doing and detail my inexperiences with everything, it took me weeks to draft the letter, but i got basically told theres no chance of reconciliation, move on etc which made me feel even worse, but it keeps making me think is this still her grieving? does she still need time on her own?

I feel that i was a good partner to her as her previous partners were cheaters and violent.

I adored her family, and have made changes myself, ive just recently bought a house, i have no hatred towards her, yes when we erupted into a big arguement i was super angry at her but i apologised due to my emotions getting the better of me.

Chris

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8 minutes ago, ChrisMitch2020 said:

she told me to stop messaging her family, but i messaged them to say goodbye and thank you

She doesn't get to control your decisions.  I think it was perfectly understandable you said goodbye & thank you to her family, it helps them have some closure.  
Try not to personalize how she's reacted to you, this is about her grief.  You could treat her perfectly and she'd still react this way.  When someone out of the blue wants a break up and before their loss everything was going fine, I mean it's like a light bulb switched for them!

It does sound like there were a lot of issues and things weren't ideal, but still, you two were working it out.  

When you read all the threads here in this section, you see a pattern.  It helps you to see she's no more in control of this than you are, she's not a bad person, it's grief talking.  But still that doesn't give you hope for the relationship, we have to respect their wishes for breakup and focus on our own lives.  I wish you well with this, it can be quite a process but you'll get through it.  Absorbing that you're broken up is hard, I cried for a few months and expended my energy into cleaning...my house got real clean. 

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Hi Kay,

She doesnt get to control my decisions thats right, i had to do this for my own sake as her family meant the absolute world to me.

The issues were her mental health and she wrote me a letter stating that she had been hard work and she apologised for how she treated me, her letter said the events of the year changed the dynamic in our relationship, she wanted to love me but couldnt fake it, even though i did nothing wrong and supported her through hell, but she would love me always.

is this grief talking?

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It's grief affecting her.  It changed everything for Jim and I in the blink of an eye.  We were engaged for a year and he broke up with me by Fed Ex at my office!  Who does that!  No contact for months.  When we resumed contact he was yanking me around emotionally, not on purpose, but it was painful nonetheless, I realized he did not know his own mind and was a mess, grieving.  I put a guard around my heart and from that day forward there was no hope or expectation of being other than friends, and that was okay.  I accepted the change and him for who he is, which is best.  Can't control them or change them!

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Hi Kay,

Thats what i thought, is this just a case of ive been extremely unlucky due to what happened?? i dont hate her at all, i was just so angry as to the things her family said to me, things like there was no passion between you but after what happened i had to support her, and was super patient and they also said my loyalty was like that of a good friend, that really ticked me off, but is this grieving again talking??

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The only one who can answer why she told them that is her.  But it's likely grief that has affected her.  I had no indication whatsoever that Jim would ever break up with me...until the day I got his Fed Ex pkg at work.  I was stunned.  We've talked about it since and he's never given me a satisfactory answer.  He did say he felt guilty for having spent time with me that last year instead of his mom, which is unreasonable considering we do grow up and leave our parents and have a partner.  They raise us to be independent.  He let his friends be there for him during that time, but not me.  I value him and his friendship or I wouldn't have resumed contact...I sent him a sympathy card when his mom passed and then he called me.  But he gave me so many mixed messages it was confusing and not healthy for me so I had to protect myself.  Nearly ten years later, I don't go there, I protect myself; I do consider him a friend...but that's all it will ever be.

Frankly, I'd rather be with someone who would go through thick and thin with me and we lean on each other rather than someone who could flee when things got tough, because one thing life guarantees is that there will be tough times, deaths, etc.  You deserve someone who will be through everything with you.

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Hey Kay,

After her dad died, i kind of thought everything was going to go with it, as before the loss of her dad we seemed to be fine, after working together to beat the mental health problems, when her dad died however i had to support her and our relationship kind of stopped if you get me? she was crying for weeks on end, and i was there for her cradling her in my arms telling her how much i love her etc. I was told that it was before her dad died when i had to stay out at a hotel because of the mental health troubles, and i had literally no idea what to do as all she told me was that she was going for a lie down, and i said okay, as i thought she just had a bad day, but turns out i was massively wrong, but i just didnt know what to do, and i got my head bitten off big time and had to leave twice.

I just wish shed have sat me down and told me things properly you know, as i love her so goddamn much!

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I know, you're another casualty of this grief.  Suffice it to say that when people break up due to their grief, we find out big time what kind of a partner they'd make.  They might be okay before calamity hits, but to throw someone overboard when you're grieving?  I've been through it and watched others going through it the last ten years, and I still don't get it, I just know that it is.

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Hi Kaye,

I personally think i am a casualty of all of this, because before this happened we were stable (apart from the mental health), i took her to Florida for her 30th Birthday and she said how lucky she was to have me on Facebook! when we came back there wasnt much intimacy again as it took me a fair few days to recover from jetlag, but we did have some kind of intimacy afterwards, but its like my friend says, sex isnt everything! then her dad died and she was saying things to me like please dont die i love you so so much its unreal etc, and even checking my pulse. I miss her so goddamn much, but its like you said why throw someone overboard like that? why make me out to be someone who didnt care when i truly did? my loyalty was more than that of a good friend (this still ticks me off now!) they had the cheek to say that.

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Of course you'e upset/angry!  Her response seems inappropriate to you.  Remember, she is how she is and is controlled by grief...but isn't likely to change either.  "You have to decide for yourself what is acceptable in another and what isn't and make your decisions/responses accordingly.  I hope you're no contact, not even on FB, it's the way to heal and bring clarity of mind.

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I just hope your concern grows for yourself as it has with her.  You are right, it is grief collateral damage.  That's why I can be friends with Jim all these years later, I realize he had no more control over this than I did but it still doesn't negate the fact that his way of coping isn't acceptable to me (throwing me overboard in grief)...there are many others that choose to lean on their partner instead of discarding them.  That doesn't make him a bad person, far from it!  But maybe just not the person for me as a life partner.  That is a deal breaker for a life partner.  We can't go through life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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im doing quite well, i just wish id have had sex with her at her cousins wedding, as i feel that may have helped?? but after all of the emotions that went on with her being so upset, would that have helped? i just didnt know, as when we got back she isolated herself again and wouldnt talk to me, and she was like that for ages, but i kept thinking to myself is this grieving still??

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i was also going to look at getting an engagement ring after her dad died but it just didnt feel correct, as i didnt want them to think hes being disrespectful etc am i right to have held off until things settled?? 

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For whatever it's worth, in my opinion, an engagement ring likely would have felt like another burden to her, or some form of pressure from yet another direction.  You did the right thing by not adding a ring into the picture.

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Hey Kieron

thats why i feel i had to hold off because of what happened because i didnt want to put pressure on everything due to what was going on, and i gave her the space she needed. i just feel intimacy shouldve been at its fullest on her cousins wedding, but i took a decision due to the emotions that was going on and her tears, i just feel i made that huge mistake that cost me big time. 

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I feel you did the right thing on both things, you were sensitive to her and respectful of her and her family.  This isn't about anything you did wrong...this is about her grief response.

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Hi Kay

She put in a letter to me that the events of the year broke her beyond compare, she wanted to love me but couldnt fake it, is that grieving talking? she also said life is short, and is trying to do what she can to make herself happy, which makes me think i was at fault for something but the way things were after her dad died i just didnt know what to do, i changed to a support person as there were tears and all sorts. she spoke to our canadian friends and apparently she “freed” me but i just feel that what we did at her cousins wedding wasnt enough and she took the high road out, but after everything that happened i just didnt know what to do :( 

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Stop blaming yourself.  I repeat, this isn't about you...it's her grief and her grief response.  It isn't something you did or didn't do.  You could be perfect (although none of us are as we're human) and this still would have happened.  You want control over this but we don't get control.  This is one of those unfair life things that changes everything for us.  

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Hey Kay,

its very unfair as we rebuilt ourselves from the ground up, maybe i have just been the victim of unfortunate events. she just means the world to me and i did so so much for her, my heads a total state

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I know.  :(  Nothing fair about grief.

 

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