ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 this has helped me, and its made me realise it wasnt me, my brother stupidly sent her a threatening message which made things so much worse, i get he was sticking up for me after what i went through but he made things so much worse! but its like you said Kay this has made me understand i was unlucky. i want to try and get my brother to apologise to her, and also when you said who would throw someone overboard like that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 3, 2020 Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 Never a call for a threat and I hope he does apologize. Nope it wasn't you, we are the unlucky souls here...but then again, I feel I dodged a bullet as who wants to marry someone who could ditch you at any given moment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 Hi Kay. I got the message from her about it, and i was like noooooooo youve made things so much worse! it just upsets me that she needed me the most when times were at its worse, and i feel not all of this was part of her behaviour, the fact she didnt communicate with me properly, and she didnt take my inexperience into consideration when it came to the mental health stuff. She was singing my praises to our canadian friends, but when her mum came back after her breakup it became impossible for us, and i tried to say look lets get our own place the day we broke up but she flat out refused and started bringing stuff up when i was poorly, and she was sick of being miserable. How could i be a partner to her when her mum came back? when her dad died it all completely changed, she was crying for weeks on end, had loads of time off work, and i just didnt know what to do and try to help her, and our relationship completely disintegrated. All i wanted was to hold and love her, and show her how much she means to me, i was so close to buying a ring, but after her dad died i read up on articles about things like this and they even stated hold off. I wanted to take her away for a little break in early September but i was refused, as i could see the strain in her face and eyes, and i was just hitting a brick wall with it all. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 4, 2020 Report Share Posted March 4, 2020 You are grappling with how could things turn out this way when you loved her this much?! But it's not about how much you love her. It's about her grief and how she handles it. You could be 100% perfect and it would still turn out the way it has. In my way of looking at it, you gave this your best. Nothing about grief is fair. We're side casualties of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2020 ive been reading the emails she sent me and it mentions about shes trying to do things that make her happy, but she had someone who worshipped and adored her, and ive been thinking about a lot of things. not long after her dad passed she started staying out, where one episode she said she was going to her friends house for a little while to babysit her kids, which i accepted for her, so i then go to bed expecting her to return, i then get a text from her at 1.30 am saying im at my dads (she didnt tell her mum this, her mum panicked and didnt tell me till morning) i didnt see the text till then also as i was flat out, so she comes back and is like no one cares, and a row erupted between us and the first breakup warning came in so i calm her down and she asked if i can book a holiday so she can have space. is this the grief totally absorbing her?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kieron Posted March 5, 2020 Report Share Posted March 5, 2020 Think of it this way: Grief's horizons stretch into the distance, further than you or I can see. She's just starting out on this lifelong journey. She's barely taken 10 steps. Right now she's in the thick of it. People do strange things when they're grief-crazed. I know I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2020 Hey Kieron, You think so?? it is a journey for her. i sent a message to her through our canadian friends basically saying i love you, please recover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 5, 2020 Report Share Posted March 5, 2020 We don't "recover" from grief, it's not like an illness that we get over, instead it changes us forever and we learn to live with it bit by bit. The person you knew is not the same and never will be. It changes us sometimes in positive ways, sometimes in negative ways, depending on what we do with it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2020 Hi Kaye, Shes kept communication channels open, shes said she will send me updates about the cat we had together, she means so much to me its insane, but i also have to think of myself. Any advice? ive had some real down days this week, i miss her so much, she probably doesnt think of me anymore. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 7, 2020 Report Share Posted March 7, 2020 My best advice is go no contact. Remove her phone number from your phone, block her on FB, let mutual friends know you do not want information about her. I know this goes against everything you feel and want, but it will do two things: 1) It will give you a chance to heal. 2) It will give you clarity. Right now you are steeped in emotion and that is what is driving you, it's important to get to where your brain can kick in and let you know what is right for you. Emotions can sometimes cloud things. Your chance of getting her back is less than 1% if all of the threads on this section are any indication. The more you keep in contact with her, the more the pain will drag out and will hinder your healing. It's important to get to a place of acceptance of what has happened. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 7, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2020 Hi Kay, Many thanks for that, ive written an email to her but i dont want to send it. Her mum also sent me a message on facebook asking me to build a website for her friends son which i did not reply. I just feel that i was treated poorly by her now everything after August 15 when her dad died i can forgive as she was all over the shop. is this another case of them trying to reach out to try and establish contact with me?? i didnt reply to her mum. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2020 Report Share Posted March 8, 2020 It seems odd to me that someone would ask a favor of someone their daughter treated poorly and broke up with. No explanation necessary to her mother but you could respond that you feel a clean break is best to allow you space to heal. End on a good note even if they don't deserve it. Any further contact I'd leave unanswered as you explained your wishes in this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 8, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2020 Hey Kay, see thats what i dont get, why come to me when they knew that what her daughter did to me was horrific? just because i suffer with a retching condition she threw almost 6 years away and treated me so badly? everytime i retched when getting nervous she would start and i damaged her mental health apparently? yet if it was on the other foot shed be taken care of completely. i went for a camera down my throat to try and find answers and it turned out to be non errosive duodenitis and i was put on medication that made me sick, yet it was held against me. yet when she was ill she was well cared for. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 9, 2020 Report Share Posted March 9, 2020 This doesn't sound like it was an equal relationship, one where you gave more. They came to you because they wanted your free services. Period. No thought to how it'd affect you. I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2020 Hey Kay, Do you think so? she always did the cooking, i did the cleaning but when it came to things like the bedroom stuff we was never a team with it. when she got annoyed at me she would isolate herself, not sit me down, but when she needed me i was there. she started isolating herself when she came back from Dubai as she didnt want to be around me or her mum. i thought she was still grieving! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 10, 2020 Report Share Posted March 10, 2020 Her grief has affected her, it changes us, and as such she is not the same and does not give the same response as before all this happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2020 i could see the huge changes in her, but its when she was saying things like i only want to be around people that make me happy ie her work mates. that really upset me, because it made me think i was the bad one, and i supported her through hell and back. she just wasnt interested in anything with me and i tried to help by suggesting events, but i was left at home whilst she went out and she was with her mates to do things that make her happy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 10, 2020 Report Share Posted March 10, 2020 I know how confusing it is, I don't understand it either, I only know this is a common grief response in a certain segment of people and it really isn't anything you did or didn't do but more about her particular grief response. Her coworkers don't present any demand on her whereas a relationship does even if you offer space, etc. because SHE feels she is letting you down or she should be contributing to the relationship, which she can't do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2020 Hey Kay, That kinda makes sense, as she wouldnt do anything and kept sleeping on her own. i remember at her cousins wedding after our intimate spell she burst into tears saying its so hard, why did this happen, and i had to cuddle her, then she took a tablet to go to sleep (she was on medication for the night terrors). when we got back she went upstairs and kept staying alone, and i just gave her space. in her letter she states the events of the year changed the dynamic of our relationship do you think it was the death of her dad? i dont feel i can be blamed for the mental health things. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 11, 2020 Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 You can't be blamed for any of this, you kept trying your best. This is definitely grief, it changes people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 i did keep trying, i supported her the best i could, she said to me i respect the relationship as it was, but she wants a fresh start without me, and thats what hurts the most, kinda making me think i was the bad one!! but i just need to drum in my head its grief! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 also my step mum recently lost both of her parents and she stayed with my dad and they are still together now, does grief affect people in different methods?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 11, 2020 Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 1 minute ago, ChrisMitch2020 said: does grief affect people in different methods?? You will hear it said that grief is as individual as a person's fingerprint. While some features of grief are similar or the same for most people, how each of us experiences significant loss is unique to the person experiencing it. It depends on so many different factors: relationship to the person who died; gender; age; culture; upbringing; individual personality characteristics (the person's strengths, weaknesses, personal beliefs, past experience with loss, etc.) ~ The list is endless. And there is no specific time frame, no "expiration date". Grief: Understanding The Process How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisMitch2020 Posted March 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 Hi Marty, it just upsets me that she brought up stuff from a year earlier when i was poorly at a friends wedding as an excuse to end it, like i could help it? when she needed me though i was there for her. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 11, 2020 Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 3 hours ago, ChrisMitch2020 said: does grief affect people in different methods?? Yes. I tend to think most of us want our loved ones to go through things with us but as you can tell from all of the threads in this section, there are definitely a number of others that can't handle doing a relationship at the same time. When I went through it, at some point Jim told me he felt guilty for all the time he'd spent with me in that last year of her life (he had no way of knowing at that time that she would die...she didn't have a specific illness or ailment other than old age "failure to thrive"). I've heard others that said their relationship person reminded them of that time when their parent or loved one was dying so they wanted a fresh start with someone who hadn't known them or been around at that time. Much of this doesn't seem to make sense to us because we would choose differently if it was us. Keep in mind, though, that they don't choose this any more than we do, even though it seems they are...it is their grief affecting them, very much. It helps to try not to affix blame or judgment...on her OR on yourself. If you want to blame anything, blame grief, it seems to leave all of us in it's path...affected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now