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ChrisMitch2020

Loss of 5 and a half year relationship due to bereavement

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thats a bad one that Kay, my question is do you think i remind her of her dad? and she made my life tough to get me gone? her dad actually said i was the best thing that happened to her! is this grief saying get rid of him and begin again? if her dad was still alive we would be together still?? 

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I can't know what's in her mind, only what Jim told me later on and what other people have posted on this site.  It's possible.

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i spoke to a mental health specialist today and she seems to think she did what she did because she couldnt bare to lose me the same way she lost her dad... hence the pulse checking 

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That's different.  Couldn't bare to lose you so broke up with you?

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No one can know your lady's mind except your lady herself ~ but that's the trouble with grief. She may not know herself why she is behaving as she is right now. As it is, even a mental health specialist can only guess at her reasoning. I'm so sorry . . .

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Hey Marty,

her behaviour became so erratic, the fact she stayed out at her dads house and didnt text me till 1.30 which i didnt see till the next morning, i was fast asleep, and then she has a go at me!

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18 hours ago, MartyT said:

No one can know your lady's mind except your lady herself ~ but that's the trouble with grief. She may not know herself why she is behaving as she is right now. As it is, even a mental health specialist can only guess at her reasoning. I'm so sorry . . .

It's true, when I went through it, it was clear to me that Jim didn't know his own mind, he was all over the place!

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I am so sorry.  Beyond words.

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Don't question your sanity, question hers.  Your anger will help fuel your recovery, so maybe in that one sense it's positive.  You no longer have unanswered questions.  You dodged a bullet.

I don't mean to minimize your feelings, not at all!  The sense of betrayal you feel can take its toll.  My daughter was with her person for 20 years, married over 10.  She took her time getting to know him really well before marrying him as she never wanted a divorce.  After she had her second miscarriage, he left her.  Nearly a year later he came back when she had the flu under the guise of taking care of her, but really it was just to steal her apt (it's half the price of comparable ones).  Two years later he told her at Christmas he's getting a divorce.  He's still there but it's due to be final any day now.  She has nowhere to go, she could live with me but I'm 60 miles from her jobs.  Sometimes you can do all the right things and it still turns out like mush...don't let it change who you are as a person.  Your person is out there, waiting to be found and cherish you.

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Hi Kay,

Many thanks for your kind words.

im so pissed off, the fact that she said we were too routined and didnt have any fun but i said many times lets do something. i wanted to take her away in september to try and help her out. ive questionned my own sanity after all of this.

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It's not your sanity I'd question, more her ethics.  I don't know why people do what they do...why someone would cheat instead of break it off first, why they lead someone to believe one thing when all the while it's something else.  My best guess is they avoid conflict, don't want to hurt you, etc. so procrastinate/avoid but in reality truth is always best.

Not everyone needs fun/adventure all the time, some people appreciate someone stable they can count on, a lot to be said for that.  

Going to look at Marty's article...

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shes saying she broke it off first and got with him in january but i think its a lie due to the things she was doing such as going out on long drives, staying at a friends etc, also when she was coming back it was straight in the shower.

on one occasion i said ill come with you to comfort you and she refused. she also went to a conference, and went to a hotel and didnt tell me the name of it just that it was in the place. 

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It behooves people to be upfront about things...it would have been good if she'd told you when she broke it off she was going to date others.

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i kind of knew something wasnt right the way she was acting. all shes told me was that she wasnt happy and that we were too routined, but we were doing things together etc. it even got to a point where she wouldnt let me touch her, and this makes me think shes done something bad, and she said ive been a s*** girlfriend to you etc

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Sounds like guilty conscience.  I hope you've blocked her and are letting your heart begin to heal.

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It may be a while before you're ready to, it's a process, but I hope you'll consider forgiving her...hear me out.  Let me start by saying what it is not and WHY you might want to consider it.

Forgiveness does NOT:

  • mean it was "okay"
  • a sign of weakness
  • that you agree with the action that was done
  • Is not a "feeling", it's a determination, a decision

Forgiveness DOES:

  • release you from their grasp...you don't want the other person to have the power to change who you are
  • Not forgiving leads to bitterness which only hurts YOU, not the other person
  • Releases you from their toxins
  • They do not earn or deserve our forgiveness...it's NOT about them, it's about YOU and who YOU are

To hold bitterness in your heart is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

It is a process, you may not feel like it, but this isn't about feelings it starts with a determination to do the right thing, take the upper road, and ultimately, it's what's best for US. I hope you'll ponder this...you're a good guy, I'd hate to see anything she did, change YOU.

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Forgiveness is from within, you don't have to communicate with her, in fact I'd recommend not.  It's something you do for your own well being...you release the other person from ill wishes...let them go.  I envision blowing dross away in the wind.

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many thanks for this Kay. one other thing she mentioned to me which confirmed my thoughts about her grieving still was she said to me that she was being referred to grieving groups, but i could see the look in her eyes, something wasnt right, and she then mentioned about being a crap girlfriend to me. on my birthday the card she got me was a basic one, not a traditional boyfriend card, and even that made think something wasnt right.

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