Can we get back together 6 months after his Dad’s death?

[BB83]

Hi All,

 

Hoping to hear from people that have been through a similar situation. 
So basically I started dating the most beautiful man in May of last year and things were tough from the beginning really - his Dad had been ill for a very long time, but his life was in the final stages when we got together.

It was such a hard time for my boyfriend and frustrating for us both and he ended the relationship just a few weeks before his Dad died in September, explaining that he could not cope with everything and needed to be on his own.

I kept in touch as a friend and because I very much still care for him and wanted things to maybe work out with us further down the line. 
 

I’ve pretty much read everything I could on this site and on grief to try to understand his awful situation and his behaviour, and it really helped. 
 

Trouble is it is very difficult to gage what’s going on now really. It’s been 6 months and we’ve met up a few times recently and it’s as if we are a couple when we are together, but then he kind of cuts me off again. I know the grieving process can take a long time and his grief is incredibly complexed. I’ve learned that I do need to allow space and time, but I’m just so confused. One minute wanting to know me and be close to me and then cutting me off for weeks without a word.

So I guess I’d like to hear from people who have been through the same - can you get back together and make it work after such an awful time in his life? 
 

I know we were not together that long before but we had a very intense relationship and I’m still very much in love with him. I really don’t mean for this all to sound me, me me - obviously this is a very hard time for him and I always take his feelings in to account, even though I can’t appreciate his loss as I still have both parents. 
 

any advice is greatly appreciated x

 

[kayc]

I went through the same thing...was engaged for a year and his mom started dying (no actual diagnosis), he broke up with me, quit his job to move in and take care of her, then moved her to his place.  He had contact with friends, neighbors, even his XW, but not me, I wasn't allowed to help him or even bring a meal.  We had no contact for several months, I heard from his daughter that his mom passed so I sent him a sympathy card and he called me the next day.  He talked for 3 1/2 hours, as if catching me up on everything.  He started yanking me around emotionally (not on purpose), saying he loved me, then not contacting me for a couple of weeks.  It was very confusing.  I finally realized that he didn't know his own mind and I resolved to let go of any hope/expectations and just be a friend to him.  That was nearly ten years ago.  I've read all of the threads in this section and remember only one that made it through intact out of hundreds.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, and it can be years before they adjust to any extent, if ever.

Being in love with him has nothing to do with it, so was I, so were all of these people.  Sometimes that's not enough and grief can be one of those circumstances, esp. when one's grief response is to need space and not want someone in their life in that way...it creates too much stress for them when they are depleted and have nothing to give.

To continue hope wanting to reunited is natural but not realistic...you'd be better off focusing on you, spending time with your family/friends, keeping active, working on yourself instead of focusing on him.  In the end he will handle his life and you yours.  Jim and I were able to remain friends but he's never made any attempt to get me back.  We all tried to be supportive with our now ex-partners, than alone can't save it.  But it is important to respect their wishes and we can't do that if we're secretly hoping for a different outcome.

Besides, I would want a partner who would want to go through thick and thin together, not throw me overboard when something hard came alone because I guarantee you, hard things do come along, death/loss included.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know how painful it is.

[ChrisMitch2020]

Hi,

Ive recently lost my ex partner of nearly 6 years due to the untimely passing of her father.

I was blaming myself for things due to issues occured, but ive finally understood things, and realised she needs to be alone and there was nothing i could do at all.

 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, ChrisMitch2020 said:

I was blaming myself for things due to issues occured, but ive finally understood things, and realised she needs to be alone and there was nothing i could do at all.

Spot on!  I'm sorry.

[BB83]

Thanks kayc. I do understand what you’re saying but we do still speak and see each other. It’s sad because he has changed a lot. I was with him a few days ago and he’s there but it’s like he isn’t present. 
I have read a lot of these threads and often your comments on them. I note that this happened to you ten years ago and I mean no disrespect but are you on this site still because of Jim? To talk only about this situation? Do you feel like you’ve never gotten over it? X

[Bo1987]

I’m going through something similar.

 

my girlfriend, well now ex girlfriend, loss her sister almost a year ago (only sibling). I met her shortly after, she was in terrible shape and she told me she’s not ready to be in a relationship. I was there to comfort her and everything, ultimately we both fell in love and became a couple. Until recent, she decided to break it off with me because she she’s not ready for a relationship. Me and her family grew extremely close to the point I call them mom and dad. She tells me that she’s not ready because she cannot give me the full experience of love because she loss herself when her sister died. I tried everything possible to win her back, me being 32 and stupid thinking that love could help cope with her situation and rekindle the feeling she had towards me, epically failed. She told me that she needed space and don’t make it harder than it is, she’s already suffering and it was one of the hardest decision for her make ending our relationship, but she need to focus on herself. she doesn’t want to see me now because it’s too painful. Yet she goes out with her friends, which I understand because she needs company. She told me that “I love you so much you have no idea, but the love I have for you is greater than a love of a relationship.” (She’s Spanish from Spain) Which confused the crap out of me. I still have no idea what that means, does it mean that she love me as a lover or a friend? She tells me that she doesn’t want me to leave her because I’m the most important person in her life.
 

I’m still trying to figure things out myself, I read multiple articles and its basically telling me to live my life and focus on yourself. I know it’s not what you want to hear, it’s like the old sang “if the love is true, it will eventually find a way back to you.” a nicer way of saying the relationship is over. What I’m doing right now, is giving her the space she needs and try to help her through this process. Yesterday we went shopping together and she still call me babe. 
 

her sister one year is coming up in a couple weeks. My plan is to be a friend and host a dinner at my place. I’m coordinating it with her father so her and her mother have no idea. I’m also making a power point slide of her sister from infant years to her death and will have each one of us stand up and talk about her sister and what we would like to say to her. 
 

i feel the more we do, the more damage it causes. I think it would give them a different prospective of what they see in us, instead of a person who cares, they see it as us being “too needy.” 
 

ill keep you posted on my experience and hopefully it shade some light onto your similar situation. If you want to keep in contact my INSTAGRAM is BOBOBOOM87. I’m new to this page so I don’t know how to keep in touch with people on here. I’m sorry what you are going through. I know how it feels, the heart feels heavy and you can feel every best like it trying to leave your chest, yet it feels empty. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe, your body feels like it numb with no blood circulating. You’re overall strength is just gone with no appetite.
 

What I’m doing is going back to my old routine, even if I don’t want to do it, I force myself. It’s uncomfortable at first but I think it’s getting better. Again, I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

 

[BB83]

4 hours ago, Bo1987 said:

I’m going through something similar.

 

my girlfriend, well now ex girlfriend, loss her sister almost a year ago (only sibling). I met her shortly after, she was in terrible shape and she told me she’s not ready to be in a relationship. I was there to comfort her and everything, ultimately we both fell in love and became a couple. Until recent, she decided to break it off with me because she she’s not ready for a relationship. Me and her family grew extremely close to the point I call them mom and dad. She tells me that she’s not ready because she cannot give me the full experience of love because she loss herself when her sister died. I tried everything possible to win her back, me being 32 and stupid thinking that love could help cope with her situation and rekindle the feeling she had towards me, epically failed. She told me that she needed space and don’t make it harder than it is, she’s already suffering and it was one of the hardest decision for her make ending our relationship, but she need to focus on herself. she doesn’t want to see me now because it’s too painful. Yet she goes out with her friends, which I understand because she needs company. She told me that “I love you so much you have no idea, but the love I have for you is greater than a love of a relationship.” (She’s Spanish from Spain) Which confused the crap out of me. I still have no idea what that means, does it mean that she love me as a lover or a friend? She tells me that she doesn’t want me to leave her because I’m the most important person in her life.
 

I’m still trying to figure things out myself, I read multiple articles and its basically telling me to live my life and focus on yourself. I know it’s not what you want to hear, it’s like the old sang “if the love is true, it will eventually find a way back to you.” a nicer way of saying the relationship is over. What I’m doing right now, is giving her the space she needs and try to help her through this process. Yesterday we went shopping together and she still call me babe. 
 

her sister one year is coming up in a couple weeks. My plan is to be a friend and host a dinner at my place. I’m coordinating it with her father so her and her mother have no idea. I’m also making a power point slide of her sister from infant years to her death and will have each one of us stand up and talk about her sister and what we would like to say to her. 
 

i feel the more we do, the more damage it causes. I think it would give them a different prospective of what they see in us, instead of a person who cares, they see it as us being “too needy.” 
 

ill keep you posted on my experience and hopefully it shade some light onto your similar situation. If you want to keep in contact my INSTAGRAM is BOBOBOOM87. I’m new to this page so I don’t know how to keep in touch with people on here. I’m sorry what you are going through. I know how it feels, the heart feels heavy and you can feel every best like it trying to leave your chest, yet it feels empty. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe, your body feels like it numb with no blood circulating. You’re overall strength is just gone with no appetite.
 

What I’m doing is going back to my old routine, even if I don’t want to do it, I force myself. It’s uncomfortable at first but I think it’s getting better. Again, I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

 

I’m sorry to hear about your situation too. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best really. 
 

I guess we have to just trust our intuition and hope for the best, as you say, if it’s meant to be then they will return, but it’s so heart breaking.

[kayc]

On 3/10/2020 at 12:49 AM, BB83 said:

are you on this site still because of Jim? To talk only about this situation? Do you feel like you’ve never gotten over it?

Of course I got over it, years ago.  If you read my thread you'll see that.  I started on this site almost 15 years ago when my husband died.  I have had many losses since then, pets, mom, sister, friends.  I continued on this site because I want to be here for others the same way others were here for me all those years ago.  I've made grief my study and and my purpose is helping others, thanks for asking.  Jim is a good friend all these years later but our relationship is of course not the same as it was when we were engaged.  Grief changes people, they aren't the same for having been through it, I'm talking about knock-down grief not those of acquaintances.

 

'

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Bo1987 said:

She told me that “I love you so much you have no idea, but the love I have for you is greater than a love of a relationship.”

My initial thinking is that she means she wants to cut you loose to be free to find someone who can be there for you rather than holding onto a relationship that she can't give to right now.  Without asking her exactly what she meant by that, this is only surmising and you can't be sure unless you ask her.