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Going back in time

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First post in a long time...

Exactly five years ago today, Wednesday March 4, 2015, was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of my life with my beloved Tammy. After another near death medical ordeal, Tammy was ready to go home after another long hospital / rehab stay. I remember looking at her in her room at the rehab place and thinking how beautiful she looked and that she'd be back home where she belongs. The world would finally be getting back on track. But things didn't happen as planned.

Tammy was driven home in an ambulance while I followed her home. As we approached our development, I saw the ambulance take a turn down the wrong street. In a driving rainstorm I parked our car in front of our house and frantically ran to try to track them down. I did and the two drivers helped Tammy upstairs. It was a struggle though and they had to carry her the last few steps to our bedroom. Tammy was exhausted and I tucked her into bed and it was wonderful to be together in our own bed again.

Thursday March 5th we woke up to a 10" snowstorm. The day was fairly uneventful but Tammy still seemed exhausted. The bad news was the snowstorm prevented me from getting to the pharmacy to get meds for Tammy.

Friday March 5th was simply the worst day of my life. A day that started with so much promise. Early on that bright, sunshine laden day, I was clearing snow so I could get Tammy meds and pick up some foods for a special meal I had planned. After getting back home Tammy still was zonked. We had some lunch and watched some TV. What happened hours later was the nightmare of all my nightmares. My Tammy, the love of my life, the woman who made my life worth living died suddenly. 

I play those moments in my head over and over. Why did it happen? Why is life so unfair? Could I have done things differently?  No one should die at 45 years old. And certainly not someone who was as joyful as Tammy.

Five years later I'm here and I'm struggling. Still working and still trying my best. But my best isn't much more than an empty shell of an existence, lamenting what life should have been and how Tammy never could catch a break. Lupus can be a cruel and unforgiving disease and Tammy fought it with more grace and more courage than anyone I could imagine. She wasn't just my wife and my true soul mate. She and I were as one. When she died, so much of me went with her. I know she'd never want to see me struggle but the angst and pain is all too real.

I hope all of my friends here are doing "OK" and know that I think of you often but haven't had the "oomph" or the right words to post here.


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GGood to see you, Mitch, not good the day it is.  I did the 5 year mark last October seeing this isn’t just going back in time.  It’s longer and longer we are separated from the loves of our lives.  How intense this is unlike what those who haven’t experienced it think.  Reactions wondering why we don’t feel more accepting, doesn’t it get easier, when will you feel better.  Maybe some get used to eating and living alone, but I am not one.  I do it, but I hate it, always will.  Just like waking, cooking, food shopping, just about everything I do.  We adapt somewhat, we haven’t a choice.  I don’t buy Mountain Dew as I don’t drink it.  But those kind of things are reminders too.  I’m always seeing little things I’d want us to try.  We get to hear everyone’s plans when we know we will be passing time.  Even people facing medical stuff have their built in nurse.  

As we always say, you aren’t alone here, Mitch.  A far cry from having them with us.  Yes, 45 was too young as was for those who lost their even younger and older counterparts.  Add in the half of our own lives they took and it’s a very high tally.

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I've thought about you, wondered how you were, I know it's that time of year again.  It doesn't end for us, does it?  Some couldn't understand how/why I could still be here after ten years...now they get it.  5, 10, 15, what difference does it make?  It's all the same.  Time marches on, our hearts don't change.

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