everything happy and good pisses me off

[imnotok]

My husband was killed while on duty as a police officer. Murdered on the street along with 4 other officers. We have a, then, 2 1/2 year old daughter and he was the best stepfather to my then, 7 year old son. Now, I am my daughter's only parent and my son is always telling me the things he misses they used to do together. Both of them are often worried about something happening to me while they are not with me. My daughter is now 6 years old and my son is 11. We will be going on 4 years of him being gone this July. One of the unexpected, hardest times for me is baseball season. Baseball was OUR thing! We had our first date at an MLB game and that was also where I was with our daughter when I got the call. Because I am my daughter's only parent, I often have to attend team parties with her, which of course, I love doing. The part that makes the knot grow in my throat and go to my car "because I had to grab something" is seeing all the dads there with their kids. It makes me angry because it's not fair that my baby has to grow up without her daddy. It's not fair that she doesn't have any real memories of him because she was so young when it happened. It's not fair that our closest guy friends take her to the daddy/daughter dances instead of him. It makes me so unbelievably angry and I just don't know how to deal with it. It's not fair that I catch her on the stairs crying, at the time she was 5, saying how much she misses her dada. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to console her because I don't know how to console myself. I'm the person that pushes it away like it never happened. I am the person that everyone says is SO STRONG because they don't see me break down in public when in reality, I am a freaking mess. I let little things get to me now. My stress and anxiety is through the roof. I can't be in crowded places now because I feel like I have no way out. I am always blowing people off or making excuses why I can't get things done. I used to be the life of the party. Fun, outing, positive, we can do it attitude type of person. Now, I hate having to leave my house. I really only leave my house to take the kids to school or baseball practice/games. I even order groceries online so I don't have to leave. I have to drink almost an entire bottle of wine just to fall asleep. I HATE the sound of Taps! It feels my body with so much anger and sadness. 

I went back to school the month after my daughter was born to finish my bachelors degree. I was a 30 year old mother with a 5 year old and a new born and finished my degree in 2 years. There is no way I could've pulled that off without his support and positivity. I graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice in May 2016. He was the reason I switched my major. My goal was to be at least half as good an officer as he was because he was awesome! We went to Disney World for my graduation trip then I came home and started training my ass off to get ready for the academy. I was supposed to start that September, but life, or death I should say, had other plans. He was killed that July. I still had the intention of becoming an officer because he wouldn't have wanted me to give up or quit. But what rocked my soul was seeing my son crying to me begging me not to be a police officer because he doesn't want what happened to his stepdad to happen to me. I feel like my soul left my body because it broke my heart to see my baby so sad. 

So we are going on 3 years and 8 months. I never went back to work. I am a stay at home mom. I not the type of girl that is cut out to be a stay at home mom. I am an athlete. I love being physical. But I didn't really have much of a choice because my kids had such bad anxiety when they were without me I couldn't leave them. So I am stuck. Of course I want my comfort my kids from this ugly world. My problem is, how do I do that while trying to find something that makes me happy? I feeling like the more time goes by, the deeper I am sinking. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, even my mom and sister, thinks I am ok. I AM NOT! I just want to runaway sometimes. But even thinking that makes me feel like a bad,  selfish mother, which worsens my state of mind. 

Thank you guys in advance for listening! Just writing this felt like a good stress relief for me!

[MartyT]

My dear, I am so very sorry for your loss, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain.

The fact that you felt "good stress relief" from having shared your story here is telling. Might you consider finding a qualified grief counselor with whom you can let down your guard and express all those thoughts and feelings you've been working so hard to hold inside? (See Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You)

I invite you to read this article, which I hope will offer some suggestions that you may find helpful: Surviving A Partner's Homicide ♥️

[Kieron]

I don't even know what to say in response, since "I'm sorry" is inadequate and doubtless you have heard it all in a dozen ways, each one feeling more fingernails-on-chalkboard than the last.  But I get the anger you express, the soul-loss you describe.  It's real.  it's a thing.  Even at 3 years and 8 months, it's as fresh and raw as ever for you.  I just wonder if there's a LEO spouse survivor group anywhere nearby.  It's important to be around people who really get the extra "layers" that come with such a loss as yours.  Not everyone will be able to understand the "world" of law enforcement.  In my experience, the first group I joined was okay, but not a good fit because as nice as these bereaved folks were, there were certain realities I have to deal with daily, that are simply not within their life experiences.  I would have had to explain to them what happened in my loss story and I would have been resentful and angry at having to even spell it out for them.  I didn't and don't have the time or patience to explain things.  Fortunately a more appropriate group started up a year ago.  It's only once  month, though. ☹️

I wish the same level of support for you wherever you are.

[MartyT]

31 minutes ago, Kieron said:

I just wonder if there's a LEO spouse survivor group anywhere nearby.  It's important to be around people who really get the extra "layers" that come with such a loss as yours.  Not everyone will be able to understand the "world" of law enforcement.

Excellent advice, Kieron! Thank you! (LEO = Law Enforcement Officer)

See:

Police Wives of America - Our Mission: Uniting Police Wives Across America. One Team. One Purpose.

C.O.P.S.: Concerns of Police Survivors  - Our Mission:  Rebuilding shattered lives of survivors and co-workers affected by line-of-duty deaths.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know what else to say except the info above is excellent and you can always come here for added support.  Not experts in homocides, but experts in listening and validating everything you feel.  The very fact you feel something makes it real.  We are all also in positions the outside world does not understand about deep loss.  How half of you died with him and you will never be the same again.  We don’t promise happiness or joy as a goal, just living day to day, sometimes hour to hour.  Those with children would know more about that extra loss you have to see that is different than your own. You are handling two distinct reactions.  I only saw one other post here about murder, but we can listen if it helps your load. just having.a place to vent can truly help.  I hope you keep talking.

[scba]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I wrote a thread in this forum, the title is Tired of being strong. We understand how you are feeling and this is a safe place to express your grief. No judgement, and so much compassion. 

It is going to be 6 years and I sort of re-learned how to manage and behave at those good and happy moments when before I hated them with my whole self. Sometimes I numb myself, sometimes I play the part, sometimes I avoid them, sometimes I truly and really enjoy the moment. 

The thing is, this grief puts you in a place where you have to learn again the skills you took for granted, even to breath. You awake to a new life. And this new life is unfair.

And in so, One day at a time.

[widow'15]

imnotok:  So very sorry to read how you lost your brave husband.  There is not much more I can share except you took a  positive step by joining this Forum.  I second everyone's recommendations shared.  Please know you are not alone.  Hugs to you and your dear children.  Dee

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss...words are inadequate for situations such as this.  Come here any time and post your feelings or just vent.  No one can tell you what to do with regards to your career, only that you follow your heart and honestly I hope you'll get family grief counseling.  There are books to help young children (here is one, there are many others on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Water-Bugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children/dp/0829818308 ).

One day at a time...sometimes only an hour or minute.

 

[MartyT]

(See also Explaining Death to Children and Using Children's Books to Help with Grief ) ♥️