imnotok Posted March 8, 2020 Report Share Posted March 8, 2020 My husband was killed while on duty as a police officer. Murdered on the street along with 4 other officers. We have a, then, 2 1/2 year old daughter and he was the best stepfather to my then, 7 year old son. Now, I am my daughter's only parent and my son is always telling me the things he misses they used to do together. Both of them are often worried about something happening to me while they are not with me. My daughter is now 6 years old and my son is 11. We will be going on 4 years of him being gone this July. One of the unexpected, hardest times for me is baseball season. Baseball was OUR thing! We had our first date at an MLB game and that was also where I was with our daughter when I got the call. Because I am my daughter's only parent, I often have to attend team parties with her, which of course, I love doing. The part that makes the knot grow in my throat and go to my car "because I had to grab something" is seeing all the dads there with their kids. It makes me angry because it's not fair that my baby has to grow up without her daddy. It's not fair that she doesn't have any real memories of him because she was so young when it happened. It's not fair that our closest guy friends take her to the daddy/daughter dances instead of him. It makes me so unbelievably angry and I just don't know how to deal with it. It's not fair that I catch her on the stairs crying, at the time she was 5, saying how much she misses her dada. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to console her because I don't know how to console myself. I'm the person that pushes it away like it never happened. I am the person that everyone says is SO STRONG because they don't see me break down in public when in reality, I am a freaking mess. I let little things get to me now. My stress and anxiety is through the roof. I can't be in crowded places now because I feel like I have no way out. I am always blowing people off or making excuses why I can't get things done. I used to be the life of the party. Fun, outing, positive, we can do it attitude type of person. Now, I hate having to leave my house. I really only leave my house to take the kids to school or baseball practice/games. I even order groceries online so I don't have to leave. I have to drink almost an entire bottle of wine just to fall asleep. I HATE the sound of Taps! It feels my body with so much anger and sadness. I went back to school the month after my daughter was born to finish my bachelors degree. I was a 30 year old mother with a 5 year old and a new born and finished my degree in 2 years. There is no way I could've pulled that off without his support and positivity. I graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice in May 2016. He was the reason I switched my major. My goal was to be at least half as good an officer as he was because he was awesome! We went to Disney World for my graduation trip then I came home and started training my ass off to get ready for the academy. I was supposed to start that September, but life, or death I should say, had other plans. He was killed that July. I still had the intention of becoming an officer because he wouldn't have wanted me to give up or quit. But what rocked my soul was seeing my son crying to me begging me not to be a police officer because he doesn't want what happened to his stepdad to happen to me. I feel like my soul left my body because it broke my heart to see my baby so sad. So we are going on 3 years and 8 months. I never went back to work. I am a stay at home mom. I not the type of girl that is cut out to be a stay at home mom. I am an athlete. I love being physical. But I didn't really have much of a choice because my kids had such bad anxiety when they were without me I couldn't leave them. So I am stuck. Of course I want my comfort my kids from this ugly world. My problem is, how do I do that while trying to find something that makes me happy? I feeling like the more time goes by, the deeper I am sinking. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, even my mom and sister, thinks I am ok. I AM NOT! I just want to runaway sometimes. But even thinking that makes me feel like a bad, selfish mother, which worsens my state of mind. Thank you guys in advance for listening! Just writing this felt like a good stress relief for me! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!Register a new account
Already have an account? Sign in here.Sign In Now