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Guilt over mother’s death


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Hi, I’m new here, so I’m sorry if I’m doing this wrong. 

 

I lost my mum in January 2017 and feel a lot of guilt about it. My mum had mental health issues, and whilst 95% of the time she was functional and fine, sometimes she really struggled. She had psychosis and sometimes she would hear voices in her head and when she got like that she would drink and go to bed. One night she was struggling and had been drinking and went to bed like she normally would. I was the only one in the house and I was watching something on TV. Usually I would hear my mum get up in the night a lot to go to the bathroom, walk on the landing, go downstairs etc, but this night I hadn’t heard anything. I remember getting a little worried and wondering if I should go check, and this wasn’t a new feeling because in the past I would feel like this when she had been on the same state and I’d go check on her just to see if she was still breathing in bed and she obviously was always fine. This night I didn’t go check, I thought “she’s probably fine” because she was always fine! And I thought it was just me overthinking and being worried like I normally was, so I didn’t go check. I still felt worried but I didn’t go check and just tried to think of other things and watched TV. 

 

Later my dad came home, went to check on my mum, and we found she had died. Turned out it was mix of the alcohol and the medication she was on (that we weren’t told could be fatal when mixed together, but that’s a whole other sad story) 

 

I feel responsible in a way for my mum’s death. I feel like if I had checked when I had that thought she could have been struggling and I could have got her help or something, but i was selfish or lazy and didn’t go check on her. I know logically that if I had really thought something was wrong I would’ve gone and checked, but me having that little niggling doubt should’ve been enough and I should h e checked! I’m so angry with myself, I feel like I was just being lazy or selfish. What if she would still be alive if I had checked? 

 

I’ve told my family this and they don’t blame me and say there’s just no knowing when she died and even if I had checled she could’ve been dead already, but I still feel guilty for not checking. Even if I had discovered she was already dead, I still made the choice not to check for my own reasons, whatever they were, even though I was worried something might have been wrong. I don’t know what to do. 

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My heart breaks for you, carrying this burden that wasn't meant for you.  My mom also had mental illness and I know how that complicates things.  You are not responsible for your mom's death...but I also realize that I can't talk you out of feeling that way.  Guilt seems to be a side effect of grieving the loss of someone we love.  It's kind of our way of trying to find a different outcome...but there's only one outcome and that's the one that happened.  We act with the knowledge we have at the time, never dreaming they'd die at the time they did.  Hindsight is always easier to make decisions but it's not reality because in reality we don't have hindsight when we need it.  I hope these articles will be of help to you.  (((hugs)))
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

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Thank you @kayc I suppose I just feel disappointed in myself because I made the decision not to check. When i think about it logically I can see why I made that decision, because I had checked hundreds of times before and she had been fine, if I had really thought she was trouble I would have checked, and the fact that you just don’t think these things would happen to you. Thank you for your kind message. 

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My husband and I were soulmates and best friends.  We were always together when we weren't working.  Except one weekend a year, when I went on my sisters' reunion, and he'd go fishing with his buddies.  Wouldn't you know, right after I left he had a heart attack, drove himself to the doctor, who sent him by ambulance to the hospital.  He wouldn't let the doctor call me, didn't want to "ruin my weekend!"  I didn't have my car with me, and when I found out, my sister wouldn't drive me to the hospital, we were 4 1/2 hours from home.  I missed the last bit of time I could have had with him.  We went there on Friday and I got to the hospital on Sunday...he died shortly thereafter.  We never got alone time together.

We can't know what we don't know.  Do I wish things had gone differently?  YES!!!  But I'm not guilty of anything other than loving him.  I will regret the rest of my life that I couldn't be with him in his final hours.  I did make it back before he died, but people were in the room, then they booted me out so they could move him, then when allowed back in, he was asleep.  He woke up having a heart attack, I ran to the nurses station, everyone came running, Ice Queen Nurse kicked me out of the ward and locked the door behind me, I never saw him alive again.

He has to know I love him, I'd have done anything for him, we always understood each other, had faith in each other.  I'm sure your mom knows you love her too.

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Kay, I can only second what you've said already. Feelings are not facts, and feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty. My prayer for you, Uhura, is that you will find a way to forgive yourself, just as I am certain that your mother has already forgiven you ~ and she knows better than any of us that there is nothing to be forgiven here in the first place. You are NOT guilty of anything.

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