Dre' Posted March 19, 2020 Report Share Posted March 19, 2020 I am 39 at present will turn 40 in May. I have 2 children. A 7 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. On 28 December 2019, whilst waiting for my husband to come home so we could eat dinner together as we did every night, I got a call from a paramedic asking if I knew him. He went on to tell me that he was in an accident which was literally less than 1k from our home. I put the kids into my car and rushed over, there were lights and a crowd of people. I never expected for him to be dead but he died waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I didn’t go to him and it felt so unreal to hear he died in a crash as he was an excellent driver. It’s day 80 and the truth is it’s getting worse each day. The kids and I cry every day. It feels so worthless to be alive. I have never had a suicidal thought in my life but I pray that God takes us to him because the pain is unbearable. We are a very religious family and he was such a prince! Always in love and always made me feel like his girlfriend. He was an excellent caring dad too. we are lost without him and I also feel like I don’t even have religion to help me through because I don’t know what is real anymore. All we feel is pain and misery. I feel helpless when the kids cry and ache for him. This can’t be fixed and that in itself makes everything else meaningless. I curse everyday that we are here without him. We are lost in this sea of grief and people who I have spoken to who have gone through this decades ago are still struggling and are essentially miserable. I don’t want to be like that and I wake up and get the kids ready for school etc but it has no passion attached. I knew my husband from age 14. I just want him back or for us to be together. It feels like we weren’t allowed to be happy. Whilst I know that this ugly thing called grief is not specific or unique to me and people suffer daily, this tragedy is something I can’t work through. I am constantly in pain even though my son and I go to a bereavement specialist who also has gone through this 22 years and still dealing with it. I can’t live for years to come only wishing my husband was here. I keep feeling that God made a mistake he couldn’t have allowed this to happen…. we are ruined and broken. I was such a strong contender and would never encourage anyone to wallow in self pity but that’s just it this is my reality now. No explanations or reasons. Just woke up one day and my entire family and our existence shattered. As strong as I am I know this is the one thing I can’t deal with or manage. Time only makes it worse…..soooo much worse! I just don't understand the point of 4 lives being destroyed and how do we go on convincing ourselves otherwise and basically waiting to see him again? It is inconceivable for anyone to expect this from us or think this is possible. My son got his first grade 2 report today he went to pieces cause his dad wasn't there to see it. There is a lifetime of this emptiness and that is the harsh reality of what is now my life. Just hurts soooooooo much 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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