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Dre'

Can the rest of my life really be this bad???

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I am 39 at present will turn 40 in May. I have 2 children. A 7 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. On 28 December 2019, whilst waiting for my husband to come home so we could eat dinner together as we did every night, I got a call from a paramedic asking if I knew him. He went on to tell me that he was in an accident which was literally less than 1k from our home. I put the kids into my car and rushed over, there were lights and a crowd of people. I never expected for him to be dead but he died waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I didn’t go to him and it felt so unreal to hear he died in a crash as he was an excellent driver. It’s day 80 and the truth is it’s getting worse each day. The kids and I cry every day. It feels so worthless to be alive. I have never had a suicidal thought in my life but I pray that God takes us to him because the pain is unbearable. We are a very religious family and he was such a prince! Always in love and always made me feel like his girlfriend. He was an excellent caring dad too. we are lost without him and I also feel like I don’t even have religion to help me through because I don’t know what is real anymore. All we feel is pain and misery. I feel helpless when the kids cry and ache for him. This can’t be fixed and that in itself makes everything else meaningless. I curse everyday that we are here without him. We are lost in this sea of grief and people who I have spoken to who have gone through this decades ago are still struggling and are essentially miserable. I don’t want to be like that and I wake up and get the kids ready for school etc but it has no passion attached. I knew my husband from age 14. I just want him back or for us to be together. It feels like we weren’t allowed to be happy. Whilst I know that this ugly thing called grief is not specific or unique to me and people suffer daily, this tragedy is something I can’t work through. I am constantly in pain even though my son and I go to a bereavement specialist who also has gone through this 22 years and still dealing with it. I can’t live for years to come only wishing my husband was here. I keep feeling that God made a mistake he couldn’t have allowed this to happen…. we are ruined and broken. I was such a strong contender and would never encourage anyone to wallow in self pity but that’s just it this is my reality now. No explanations or reasons. Just woke up one day and my entire family and our existence shattered. As strong as I am I know this is the one thing I can’t deal with or manage. Time only makes it worse…..soooo much worse! I just don't understand the point of 4 lives being destroyed and how do we go on convincing ourselves otherwise and basically waiting to see him again? It is inconceivable for anyone to expect this from us or think this is possible. My son got his first grade 2 report today he went to pieces cause his dad wasn't there to see it. There is a lifetime of this emptiness and that is the harsh reality of what is now my life. Just hurts soooooooo much

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I am so sorry for your loss.  Everything you are describing, your feelings, they're all very normal in grief, classic.  We commonly feel our world upended, nothing is real anymore, we're in a panic with nothing to hold onto and yes, suicidal thoughts are also common in early grief.  No, this is something that can't be "fixed."  But you CAN learn to adjust somewhat to the changes it's wrought in your life.  You are in that period where everything seems surreal and denial fights for the upper hand.  Yes, we are still dealing with it 22 years later because this is a LIFE change...I have learned to coexist with my grief.  Grief in itself is neither bad nor good, it just is....it's something we are suddenly thrust with, something we learn to live with.  It's also very common for people of faith to feel God is a million miles away, it shakes your faith to the core, you question everything you once accepted at face value.  And that's okay.  God didn't "cause" this but we attribute it to Him because we believe Him to be all powerful and know He could have stopped it.  Why didn't He?  I don't know.  I don't know why He didn't stop my husband's death.  He had just had his 51st birthday.  We thought we had years left together before facing this.  We never dreamed...

15 hours ago, Dre' said:

I just don't understand the point of 4 lives being destroyed

I don't see that there IS a point.  If there is one, it's never been shown to me.  In the beginning we ask "why???!" but eventually I felt it was futile as I never did get an answer.  If there is an answer I probably wouldn't understand it anyway.  I do know that after about a year or so I realized God was carrying me through this time even when I could not see it, and He had never left my side.  It's okay to beat your fists against His chest and cry out!  He's broad enough to be able to take it.  And He understands.  He lost His son, He knows the anguish of loss.

The pain of watching your kids miss their dad has to be heart wrenching in itself.  There are children's books that can help them understand death/afterlife...What's Your Grief has a list of 64 books complete with age group here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/childrens-books-about-death/  They also have articles you can sign up for and will email you with them I think once a week/month, I get them and save them.

I wrote this article at about ten years out of the things I'd found helpful over the years, I hope something in it will help you now, perhaps something else further on down the road.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

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Thank you so very much for your kind and endearing words. To take all that time to reply. I really appreciate it!!!! I know God hasn't left my side just don't understand or can't accept that he didn't stop this awful thing. You're right it's not so much I want to die but I don't want to see another sunrise and know he is not here.

 

I am sorry that you didn't have more time with your husband......I know that's what death does to people....makes us greedy, greedy for one more hug, one more kiss, one more smile...... 

I will definitely use these links. Thanks again. Most helpful.......

 

sending love your way

Dre'

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I certainly wish you well on your journey and hope you continue reading/posting here.  Remember, you don't have to get this all today, it's a process and it takes what it takes.

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22 hours ago, Dre' said:

we are ruined and broken.

Welcome, and sorry that tragic circumstances have brought this to your door, so to speak.  Ruined and broken are very apt words.  I assure you many more such words will come to mind as the weeks and months go by.  Like Kay says, you don't have to traverse this road all in one day.  Take it moment by moment, if necessary, as you absorb something that's trying to absorb you at the same time. And it's hurting and going to hurt so much because it's often darn near unbearable at this point.  Every little thing will bump your broken heart, as it will for the kids, just like after you smash your thumb with a hammer, every dang movement seems to jostle that poor digit.  Give yourselves permission to sit with the feelings, however painful they are at first. 

I've found that there's no way to the other side of grief but through it.  Not away, not under, not over, not to the side, but through.  Just know that many of us here really "get it."

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35 minutes ago, Kieron said:

I've found that there's no way to the other side of grief but through it.  Not away, not under, not over, not to the side, but through.  Just know that many of us here really "get it."

Kieron:  This statement to Dre' is so well said in two sentences.  On April 8th it will be 5 years I have been slowly trudging through it.  Some days it feels like I want to give up and stop putting my foot in front of the other foot, pulling the heavy load behind me.  I slow down sometimes, but sometimes I actually make some progress. Oh yes, I do "get it".

 

On 3/19/2020 at 4:01 PM, Dre' said:

He was an excellent caring dad too. we are lost without him and I also feel like I don’t even have religion to help me through because I don’t know what is real anymore. All we feel is pain and misery. I feel helpless when the kids cry and ache for him. This can’t be fixed and that in itself makes everything else meaningless.

Dre':  I am so sorry to read of the sudden tragic loss of your loving husband and your children's Dad.  You are so young to have had to experience this loss.   It is my hope your coming to this forum to share your fears and concerns will help you as you walk this grief path.  Each one of us here have different stories, and I am sure each of us will assure you, you are not alone in your feelings of fear, helplessness and pain. 

Warm hugs to you and your children, Dee

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1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Welcome, and sorry that tragic circumstances have brought this to your door, so to speak.  Ruined and broken are very apt words.  I assure you many more such words will come to mind as the weeks and months go by.  Like Kay says, you don't have to traverse this road all in one day.  Take it moment by moment, if necessary, as you absorb something that's trying to absorb you at the same time. And it's hurting and going to hurt so much because it's often darn near unbearable at this point.  Every little thing will bump your broken heart, as it will for the kids, just like after you smash your thumb with a hammer, every dang movement seems to jostle that poor digit.  Give yourselves permission to sit with the feelings, however painful they are at first. 

I've found that there's no way to the other side of grief but through it.  Not away, not under, not over, not to the side, but through.  Just know that many of us here really "get it."

Thank you for your time. You only understand a situation if you have experienced it. Glad to know there are people out there who get it. Some people are so insensitive in their approach and offensive. Yes grief is a sea....not something you can overcome and some days may not be as bad as others but the ebbs and flows keep tossing and I am rendered powerless and just go with the tide and not fight it. Just keeps getting worse and more real. Morbid feeling....it's also horrific to know that there are so many other people who feel like I do..... I guess no justification will ever satisfy me as to why this is so. Good chatting.....

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

I certainly wish you well on your journey and hope you continue reading/posting here.  Remember, you don't have to get this all today, it's a process and it takes what it takes.

it definitely is an ongoing process. it's too overwhelming to absorb in a day or maybe even in a decade..... one day at a time I guess...... 

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6 hours ago, Dre' said:

 I am rendered powerless and just go with the tide and not fight it. Just keeps getting worse and more real. Morbid feeling....it's also horrific to know that there are so many other people who feel like I do..... I guess no justification will ever satisfy me as to why this is so.

That’s the frustrating and torturous part, being powerless.  And it does get worse and more real as you are barely 3 months in.  There will come a time it ebbs and flows, but it is something to ride out and that time will be uniquely unto you.  No magic bullets or targets.  

I have grappled with the why of it for over 5 years since he left and 4 years prior when he was diagnosed.  Almost a decade of life mercilessly stolen by the unanswerable why.  I knot there is no answer yet it still creeps in now and again.  

You also have the weight of your children and the shock of a sudden death.  No time to prepare even tho it reallly can’t be truly done.  You grieve as a family but your kids grief is different than yours.  

At the end of the day we are all alone with that hole that has been punched in us and the part that died with them.  I have found that void will never be filled again.  There may be things that put a bandage on it, but something will rip it off.  Reminders pop up that are obvious and others you never see coming.

I'm 'glad' you found us.  Knowing you are heard by people that understand this as a 2nd language has saved me many times.  I hope we can do that for you.

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

That’s the frustrating and torturous part, being powerless.  And it does get worse and more real as you are barely 3 months in.  There will come a time it ebbs and flows, but it is something to ride out and that time will be uniquely unto you.  No magic bullets or targets.  

I have grappled with the why of it for over 5 years since he left and 4 years prior when he was diagnosed.  Almost a decade of life mercilessly stolen by the unanswerable why.  I knot there is no answer yet it still creeps in now and again.  

You also have the weight of your children and the shock of a sudden death.  No time to prepare even tho it reallly can’t be truly done.  You grieve as a family but your kids grief is different than yours.  

At the end of the day we are all alone with that hole that has been punched in us and the part that died with them.  I have found that void will never be filled again.  There may be things that put a bandage on it, but something will rip it off.  Reminders pop up that are obvious and others you never see coming.

I'm 'glad' you found us.  Knowing you are heard by people that understand this as a 2nd language has saved me many times.  I hope we can do that for you.

Thank you Gwenivere,

I know the pain never leaves and is ever constant. I am sorry that your trauma was drawn out for years and ended with the awful result despite all you had already been through. Yes we are alone with grief and how it makes us feel and it is unique to everyone, but it does change.....My kids are so innocent and say things like if the only way they can be with their dad is to go to God then that's what they want. I said when God wants them he will take them but in the meantime we should be grateful for what we have. The 3 yr old wants to go to go to a forest to find poison berries for us 3 so we can "go to God". I feel like such a fake when I encourage them because it doesn't help yet I say these things I don't mean. My 7yr old is quite emotionally mature and says exactly how he feels. Says he is miserable and asks daily who decided "up there" to ruin our beautiful family.....

His questions and expressions pierce through my just as much as this grief does. Always lurking in the background....waiting to surface and diminish me...... 

I pray we can see ourselves getting through this....today is exactly 12 weeks it happened...day 84 and I don't know how I dragged us 3 to this day......

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Dre' my dear, airline attendants always advise passengers with kids to put their own oxygen masks on first before assisting their children. In a similar vein,  the best way you can help your children with their grief is to take care of your own grief first. Learn all you can about what reactions are normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief and what you might do to manage those reactions. Learn about kids and grief, and how kids at different ages experience loss (e.g., Children's Developmental Stages Concepts of Death and Responses). You are in a powerful position to teach them and to model for them how to cope with this enormous upheaval in your lives. You have at your fingertips, via your access to the Internet, a wealth of valid and reliable information to help you (e.g., Explaining Death to Children). For example, since your children are asking about going to God so they can be with their dad, look to this article to guide you: Religion and Spirituality in Grief. Note the additional readings listed at the base ~ and see especially the work of Terri Daniel (e.g., Toxic Theology: Religious Beliefs That Hurt Instead of Heal by Rev. Terri Daniel  ❤️

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In reading Religion and Spirituality in Grief I could relate from what I felt in early grief (first year or so).  We are so struck by our grief, it leaves us almost incoherent for communing with God.  I had always been an avid pray-er yet when my loss hit, I felt my prayers were bouncing off heaven and going unheard, unanswered...I learned as I further went along my journey, it was me, not Him.  Try not to worry about it, it will sort itself out in time.  This is such a blindsiding and altering event that it is a long process to making our way through it, but that is exactly what we must attend to...concern yourself about all the rest later on when you're more in a state of readiness.  I assure you, God did not leave you, He can take your anger/venting/questions...although I haven't always gotten answers, but the main point is, we are okay expressing our feelings.  We are starting from square one as most of what we've learned in life ill prepares us for this journey...I have been learning ever since.  

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On 3/21/2020 at 3:43 PM, MartyT said:

Dre' my dear, airline attendants always advise passengers with kids to put their own masks on first.

Hello,

 

Yes very true. I get it ....the stronger and more equipped I am the better care I can give them. Easier said than done.....I am trying to do my best though it may not be enough and it also makes no sense or point to want to be anything from here on out. Sorry for the melancholy but it all feels so pointless.....but I will keep standing.

 

Thank you for the links they are helpful....

 

Beeeeg hugs

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34 minutes ago, Dre' said:

Sorry for the melancholy but it all feels so pointless.....but I will keep standing.

That is all you can ask of yourself right now, my dear. Please let it be enough . . . ❤️

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On 3/23/2020 at 6:33 AM, Dre' said:

I will keep standing.

Good for you!  That determination and realization will see you through.  Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning has to be enough.

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It just blows my mind that this is my kids and my reality...... sucks!!!!!

And you are soooo right just getting out of bed and getting through an hour which turns into a day and now 87 days is a miracle in itself!!!!

 

Take care!

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6 hours ago, kayc said:

Good for you!  That determination and realization will see you through.  Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning has to be enough.

I’ve been thinking about this and with this imposed threat it really isn’t enough.  Days are getting so hard to face beyond that.  Maybe it’s just me.  Bu after completing said task of getting up, I struggle all day with the worst depression I’ve ever felt.  It’s almost torture.  I go to bed knowing it will be waiting and wonder if someday I’ll give in and say....you win.  I don’t know what that would do, but the utter despair is getting heavier each day.  I know you have some family now and then, but mostly on your own.  I’m amazed at what you get done.  My despair is all lodging with never ending pain.  It would make so much difference if I could DO something with all this time.  The panic disorder going away would be icing on the cake.  I’m just not good at bing alone and having more forced on me in this health crisis.  Ally needing me (my dog) is also a trigger about being depended on, tho when Steve needed me I wasn’t infirmed.

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When the day is done and I have completed my usual chores plus the added ones of my husband.... and when the dreaded night rears it's ugly head, I can't believe that I made it through the day. The truth is I never forget how I am hurting or as soon as I drop my son off at school I sob and sometimes howl all the way home, just the thought of my husband not seeing that day destroys me. I get gome cry until I am exhausted the get out of my car and start the routine with the 3 year old who is awake by this time.

 

I can't really say that keeping busy helps because I am busing all day long but I never forget, but I can say that it does distract your focus and attention to something constructive and that NEEDS to be done.

I seem so "together" from an outside perspective, that I am carrying on etc but it is one huge STRUGGLE. I too think about giving up and giving in because all of it is so monotonous and cruel....I push through the difficult day only to toss and turn through the night and then wake up and do it all over again......I wonder why am I pushing through this day to get to tomorrow's misery? Ohhhh and it is misery and it is growing worse as the reality is cemented.

I still pray relentlessly because it's all I have ever known but I also often feel what is it all for?..... Yes my folks and sister sort of take turns staying qith the kids and I but do have theor own lives to return to.....

I hate all the talk about being able to adjust to a different type of ok and know and accept that my life has changed forever because I had no trouble with how my life was 88 days ago..... but the truth is nothing will be the same again and in the end we are standing on that threshold of grief and pain ALONE.... 

All the things you say you can't do or think you aren't able to do......you have been doing it all this while and that's something. It counts even if you feel it's miniscule or inconsequential.

I keep telling myself that I don't want this one thing to define me or who I am .....I don't want being a widow to be all I am..... but how can that be when all that I was and loved for is now gone? How can I not focus on that? It is impossible and although many feel that you can't live in the past and think of the life you don't have now and should focus on the future.... I find this so difficult because my husband is my pas and was my future. He was "my happy ending".... and that is not something I or another in my situation can easily let go off....

So be kind to yourself and don't drag yourself down on the verrrry bad days....they all are bad and best case scenario they will all be bad qith tiny fragments of light and hope splashed here and ther...... 

I hope you go out a few times a week....even if it's to walk your dog....clear your mind and try to channel your energy towards something different....I know this is difficult but spark an interest somewhere else. It doesn't have to work like magic or be expected to erase the pain.... it will deter you even if it is momentarily......This morbid journey is all about one moment to another

I hope that even a tiny bit of this helps even in the teeniest way. Sending all the good vibes I can muster, your way....

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2 hours ago, Dre' said:

I find this so difficult because my husband is my pas and was my future.

I find this simple phrase leaping out at me.  Wow.  That is so eloquent and to-the-point.  Is my past and was my future.  The way you transposed the is and the was just makes my writer's heart shiver.  Did you intend to put it this way?  Or was it just happenstance?

Yes, this tiny bit has done wonders, for sure!  😊

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Hi there,

 

Writing is my passion and I have done a lot of content writing and that type of thing and was working on quite an amazing piece a book actually. This situation I find myself in has just made anything I deemed good come to a screeching halt. 

 

Yes I definitely meant to write that my husband is my past and was my future because if you think about it everyone who has lost a partner is struggling with this very concept. People say find new dreams etc..... it's so sad to release or replace our dreams simply because life happened. Yes it's the circle of life but from where I am standing this circle is vicious beyond measure.

Picking up the pieces or even attempting to is soooooo much more than just moving through these ugly emotions. It is about accepting that you are changed forever and unfortunately changed is another diplomatic way of saying you are now broken forever.....

 

I guess all we can do in this relentless sea of grief is try to hang on for dear life and not let it swallow us whole. It may not always be apparent as to why we are hanging on but our survival instincts kick in and we push back even if we are not aware of this. We are hard wired this way..... We are all looking for hope and so desperately want it to be more than a figment we want to reach out and grab it and cage it if we could so we can have that always...... My husband was that for my kids and I....that hope that "thing" that's good in the world .... when he told us not to stress about something, I knew implicitly it will be ok because he will make sure it is ok.....and it's all I ever needed..... This grief journey is treacherous......I don't like this scary roller-coaster....and sometimes it feels like I am riding it, without a safety belt....and it could suck me into its abyss and into nothingness. I guess everyone in this group feels like this at some point..... Good luck to you all 💓

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It would make so much difference if I could DO something with all this time.

I was just asked to be a moderator on my Diabetic Group...I feel I'm in over my pay grade, but they can always fire me!  I'll refer them to George for anything intelligent.  I don't have his brain anymore.  But it will be more time on line in between walking dogs.  

I wish you were able to do something with your time right now, it has to be hard to have so much time and unable to do anything with it.  And being alone.  I don't like being alone so much.  I prefer a mixture, solitude and social.  My son likes solitude and his wife and daughter make noise/chatter ALL the time.  He has to have time in the shop.  But now she bought a car and wants to work on it which means him walking her through it so there goes his haven.  Funny how we're all different. 

Lately I've been looking up and trying Keto recipes...it's like learning to cook all over again.  I learned how to cook years ago and now have to forget all that, it's a new way of life.  But I've been amazed at the benefits along the way.  I try not to think about what I'm missing and focus on what I CAN have, it helps a bit.  

Evenings are hard, Kodie isn't much of a conversationalist!  But he is darned cute.  We got snow last night/today and he LOVED his walk in it!  And the good part about being stranded at home is I don't have to shovel snow in the driveway unless I WANT to!  Well, I do need to keep a path open to the firewood, which is quite a distance.  But I got firewood in last night, so I'm good for a couple of days.

I like computer games but can only do it so much...

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5 hours ago, Dre' said:

I hate all the talk about being able to adjust to a different type of ok and know and accept that my life has changed forever because I had no trouble with how my life was 88 days ago..... but the truth is nothing will be the same again and in the end we are standing on that threshold of grief and pain ALONE.... 

I hated the term "new normal" when I lost George.  I didn't ask for or want something new, I was happy with how things were.  Now I understand it's merely a psych. term for how things changed and are different now, which that they surely are.  Still don't like the term, semantics do matter.  Yes I live alone, but this place helps a lot, I feel I have this family out here and we're all just spread all over the place.  I wish I could have gone to AZ when we had our fundraiser and met some of you!  But I had no one to watch Arlie, and now he too is gone.  I don't regret one day I got with him.

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* I wonder why I push through this day to get to tomorrow’s of misery. *

Dre, that lept out at me like a neon sign.  That is what my life, make that existence, is turning into.  I used to welcome going  to bed as a much needed break from this reality.  I always knew it would be waiting for me, but my sleep is now compromised with depression and physical pain.  I’m way past thinking I accomplished something great by getting up and dressed.  I’ve been doing it so long it doesn’t spark any feelings this will get any better.  I can look back at all the things I’ve done without his help, but I don’t feel achievement, just checking off something that had to be done that normally he would.  It’s more of a reminder I can’t look to him for help.  It’s 100% on me who is a 50% person.  

I’m always glad to read when someone posts something good on this journey.  I have some good things happen. I have to pay attention as they are such little things like a card in the mail or the guy who gave me the last shopping cart because I was limping.  I didn’t have to look for reasons to be content and appreciate because it came naturally when I was complete.  

I see myself failing physically with age and have to rely on a medic alert pendant rather than my husband.  He had me in his final years.  I would change places with him in a nanosecond.  Not to give him pain, but to escape the pre and post pain of my existence.  That may be selfish, but it’s how I feel.  He had music, buddies, computers and so many varied interests.  But he did say that when our dog passed he would be done here.  I know he meant it.  He had a feeling It would be hell to be the survivor.  He said if he could change it he would.  Looking back, what horrid conversations we had to have.  Laughter was evaporating that last year.  It was the time we spent hell together and I’d take that back too.  

Add in this imposed social distancing and isolation and I often feel I’ve been cut in half again.  

 

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