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Can the rest of my life really be this bad???


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It sucks that some couples need to be reminded that they should be more appreciative of their partner, when here we are serving as the examples or poster children of "what you never want to happen to you"..... 

I am 39, not sure if that is the contributing factor that warranted unsolicited senseless and inappropriate advise....like "ohhh you're young" or "you will see.....you won't be like this for too long....in a few years you may even be married again"...... yes you're reading accurately.... I know my husband from the age of 14. We made a conscious decision to be together and share our lives together....I didn't pick him out of a "police line up" and say mmmmm yeah he will do. In the beginning I used to retaliate.....now I just avoid people though A LOTTTT of them became magicians and vanished real quick a few days later....

Can't say I am surprised though.... now not much sparks a reaction from me....someone who was soooo opinionated prior to this horror.... it's probably because I am so consumed by and with pain. Being a single parent to two small kids, something I never planned on doing but then again not many plan this but you know what I mean..... 

The tasks that lie ahead seem so impossible almost.....there seems to be no reason or passion attached to anything I do..... yet STILL I do them. Yes being a mother does take precedent over any of my worries or fears..... but the pain is always lurking....

Sorry that you are struggling to make it through the day only to get the same misery the next day....yes it does seem nebulous....but what other choice do we have except to keep going ..... until we can be nestled in the arms of our loved ones once again......

 

Will keep you in my prayers .....

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22 hours ago, MartyT said:

We must work hard to let go of the pain of loss, but we are never required to let go of the love we have for the one who has gone before us. ❤️

True...but I realize in early grief, grievers can't imagine the pain ever lessening.  It does, we get used to the unthinkable, as preposterous as that sounds.  And we do work hard at our grief, it's exhausting, just when we feel we have nothing in us.

JimJim, I get what you are saying.  You can sign as Jim & Nancy, don't let others' responses affect what you do/don't do, this is YOUR grief and you must handle it in the way you deem best.  It is so hard to get through this that anything that gives us any semblance of comfort, so long as it's not destructive, go for it.  I see no reason for any of us to let go of our spouse...they are gone physically, so we can't cuddle, talk over our day (well we can but it seems one-sided), they can't help with the chores or finances, we feel alone...so it is we learn to relate to them in a different way.  I talk to my George, and I carry him in my heart.  I remember how it was, the memories of all we experienced together.  I was blessed and am grateful for having had him in my life...the best time of my life along with having my kids.  I've also learned to appreciate what good there is now, to live in the present, it helps me not to diminish what good exists now and not to worry so much about what is to come.  It took some learning to get to that place, I've tried to practice it all these years.

Dre, you are right to not allow anyone to tell you what you should experience, this is YOUR grief, YOUR experience.  I sense strength in your core.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I see they are just clueless, bored, think I am holding on too tight (that’s not conscious, it just is, I feel love), or looking for pity.

We don't want pity but a little understanding might be nice.  We can't get it from them, not if they haven't gone through it.  It's changed our world...not theirs.

 

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

how we choose to savor and honor that love we were so fortunate to find is no one else’s business.

So true!

 

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The ones that from being around me and seeing the changes have said they view thier mate more.  That is what I can pass along.

That is a beautiful way of looking at it, Gwen.  I've tried to help my sister appreciate her husband.  He is alive.  He is there for her.  She is not alone.  All she sees is how annoying he is.  I keep reminding her how she would not have survived the last couple of years without him...remind her of the good things he does.  I probably annoy her!  She doesn't get that I have that - NEVER!

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 My Nancy, and she will always be My Nancy, my teacher, my best friend, my superstar, my love, my soulmate, wrote this in her journal, that I found, I pray she forgives me for invading her privacy, but it's all I physically have left with her actual writings to adore!!

She writes: I'm traveling thru the internet, filled with opinions and info data at light's speed, and it's stowing my growth, what to believe? What is real in this new virtual world that's sprouting our opinions faster, but distancing our souls? Needing CONFIDENCE to believe in me, I have the answers, don't need polls and surveys to know who I am, and what I need to do. We don't need to all be alike, they don't need to be like us. We or they from the 60's-anti war, Vietnam over again, Repub/Dems divided, polarity among the people.

Wanted to share this with you, this is my wife Nancy' she is a Lovely rebel from the 60's, always seeking the truth, and I love her!!

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Sounds like we're from the same era!  I like her confidence!

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I don’t think it’s invading her privacy.  This is what you have of her.  I wish Steve wrote some personal stuff down.  All I have are old cards with poems and lots of music or computer stuff I don’t understand.  I would hope he’d read the writings I left behind.  My emails and postings, tho these wouldn’t exist.  But if they did they’d show the love I truly feel for him and I’d want him to know that again and again.  That’s why I vent or unburden here.  Writing a journal myself no one would read in the outside world.  Someone might feel obligated to if I willed it to them, but it’s really for him.  I don’t have that meaning to them.  It’s a wonderful gift, JimJim.  💖

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  • 4 weeks later...

I just want to say thank you Dre and Jim Jim for your posts here. It helps to hear others feeling similar to me. I'm sorry Dre, what happened sucks, and I'm sorry about the pain with your kids. I have been having trouble deciding whether I'm glad Jenna and I decided not to have kids, as I feel like going through this with them would have been impossible, or whether I regret it, as I long for a piece of Jenna to still hold close. But I thank you for sharing many of the same thoughts and feelings I am having. You are right that others just can't comprehend what it is like. 

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We couldn’t have kids and accepted that.  Never looked back.  The docs offered al kinds of ways but we felt nature had spoken.  It worked out well as we found other ways our life flowed that was easier without that.  There is no guarantee that having them would be a source of help anyway.  Know some people that their kids are removed or impatient and making things harder.  They are dealing with a natural expected order sooner than we planned on and a whole different grief.  The ones that have great support are so fortunate.  I read it here so appreciated.  My cousin is being almost bullied to make changes to make things easier for them.  My heart goes out to her.  It would be easier if they did nothing as they break her heart. When we did try we never had the expectation of future caregivers as that wasn’t fair.  All we can do is look back and trust we made all made the right decisions.  And that our expectations were realistic.

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There’s something mystical about horses to me.  They are so noble and beautiful.  To watch them run is mesmerizing.  They symbolize a freedom that I wish I could feel.  Even 'broken in' horses have a majesty that is humbling.  I remember seeing Clydesdales at Busch Gardens and felt so small by them.  Truly magnificent.  I miss seeing them as I did in NM.  Not unusual way back when to pass riders on the street in certain places.  Here in Seattle it’s snooty cyclists.  

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