Grieving & a Relationship

[KirstK]

I have been reading through this thread & other parts of the internet trying to put my mind at ease with what i can do. 

My situation at the moment is the following. I had been dating someone for about a year & a half. He always struggled to express emotions as most Men do which i understand. We had a great "Honeymoon Phase" we had fun all the time. Barely fought about anything. I had met him once i had come back to my hometown after being overseas for about 4 years. He introduced me to new people & all his friends whom all accepted me. I was so happy being in a relationship where everything was okay & minimal effort, we made sure to always have fun & be happy. 

Up until about February this year things started spiraling. His Father was ill & i knew it took a toll on his emotions except he was never one to talk, all his friends always said it's how he has always been & he never even spoke to them about how he was feeling. If there was a fight AT ALL he would always say "it's okay, just know this is how i am and i like to let things go instead of sharing my emotions" he said he loved me because i don't push him to do this. Hi Father passed away in February. Then things started getting even worse, i even had my own problems to deal with but i felt i can deal with them on my own as i did not want to add onto the hectic pressure he was feeling. It would not have been fair as i don't know what it is like to lose a parent. 

i started getting weird in the sense he stopped giving me the attention he always used to, even before his father died. He used to send me cute messages, post photos, compliment me all of that. Before his dad died when i questioned him about these things he'd simply say " I am not dating the world, i am dating you & you should understand that just because i don't talk all mushy all the time or post photos of us or anything doesn't mean i love you less" I left it there thinking everyone has a different love language. And he already said he doesn't love me any less. I knew that when tough situations arises he was the type to isolate himself. 

I mad a big mistake the day of his father's memorial. We had a mutual friend there. He said i suppose just out of being nice to her he told her she looked cute that day. I immediately felt insecure cause he barely told me for some time that i am cute or pretty. Hell he used to say those things all the time. I had then told him it hurt my feelings, however i regret even getting upset over something so valid yet trivial. ON THE DAY OF HIS FATHERS MEMORIAL. How could i be so stupid. 

Things just we weird for some time after that even though i did apologize i don't think it sufficed. Then March came, the 12th was his Birthday (It was a Thursday). That day we weren't chatting a lot on Whats app. I however knew i was gonna see him that night as we got together as a group of friends to celebrate his birthday.  Because he was being so sour with me on that day I was actually quite rude. He could see i was upset and i clearly expressed it. He asked me what was wrong & my response was " What's wrong with you?" He answered by saying " If i have to explain to you that i am going through a difficult time then i don't want to" We still got to the place we met his friends & I didn't look at him or speak to him at all. I was upset in front of everyone ON HIS BIRTHDAY which was so so so wrong. We had quite a big fight but went out elsewhere afterwards & it seemed a bit better cause we had a short chat in the car.

The next day being a Friday he didn't speak to me AT ALL. I thought we resolved what happened but obviously not. I kept on asking if we can just talk & he just kept on saying he has nothing to say. Later that day i asked him if he still loved me he said "yes". I went to bed next to him with his back turned to me wondering if i should even hold him or not & what should i do because i have really messed this up. 

The next morning being Saturday we were meeting up with friends to celebrate his birthday further. He had gotten up & i was crying a lot because i felt so guilty about what i did. He saw me crying and asked me "Why are you crying" I told him because i messed up so bad & I don't know how to fix it. He looked at me & said "I have already moved on from what happened & so should you" I thought well okay. Seems like we can just forget that, i did't want to because i am a fixer, i like to fix things knowing it's been spoken about & resolved. But because from the very beginning he always told me he doesn't like being pushed i left it, I went to have a shower & just before I did i said please forgive me and hold me. He just kept saying "I don't want you to keep apologizing, i just want you to also have a good day" I agreed with that & said I also want to have a good day. 

We went & it was quite a good day. That night we got to bed & he was still so so distant, I sat up and tried to speak & apologize again. I said to him i understand he is going through a tough time but all i ever ask for is just some love & attention like in the beginning. I said if you could just tell me now & again that i actually mean something to you the i would not have reason to act this way. Sunday came we had lunch with his family. Monday came i went home as i had work & so did he (we only saw each other on weekends). I had typed out a message on my phone's notepad i wanted to send to him that night. It was just me saying how happy i am we are able to still stand strong through difficult times & i will work o how i was & how poorly i acted over the past few days. I told him i am sorry & i am glad we can get through it. I wanted to send it to him when he got home after work.Monday nigh he still managed to say things are looking up & it will be okay, he said he loved me that said good night. I ended up not sending the message i typed out on the notepad as he said it's all okay? I though well let me not carry on talking about what happened. He said it's fine so i believe him.

Tuesday came we chatted a bit the morning, by the time i got home he messaged me to come outside & broke up with me saying that the recent fight have changed his feelings towards me & that's just how he feels. I didn't beg or plead, I felt emotionless in that moment. The only thing i could say was people fight & things happen when there is pressure & all he could say is he's seen this pattern before & he can't change how i feel i need to accept it etc. I got out of his car & the only thing i could say was "have a good night"

The next morning I sent him a message asking him if we could please talk about this more thoroughly. I sent him the message I typed out on the Notepad & said I wanted to send him this but I did't because he said things are fine. He proceeded to say it's how he feels & that's it. I said then I am just asking for chance, he said he's given it to me already. Which i never understood because the fighting was only recent so this would be the first chance I am asking for? I told him to please think about it. He read the message & didn't reply. I left it for another day but my mind was spiraling. I sent a very long message the next day that was honestly so sincere trying to explain to him tat couples fight in tense times & that no real relationship is perfect & no perfect relationship is real. 

He proceeded to once again say it's how he feels, i need to accept it. He said after the recent events his feelings have changed & he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. That broke me, yet i kept on trying & trying. He said we didn't talk things through when something happened but HE was always the one that never wanted to talk. Look at just the other day when he said "I have moved on from what happened & so should you". How do you push to talk about feelings if he hates being pushed & he just said that?

I understand the messaging didn't help but i just couldn't understand. I told him I am trying my best. His response was "I hope i didn't make a mistake & i hope i don't fu%*ing regret it"     He said " I know you are trying but I don't know what to say & i can't give you what you want" I just said to him I will give him space & i said i hope this dark cloud over him disappears & hopefully soon we can just talk about this again. 

 

I am trying to understand what to do & what i can do to win him back in the sense is it just him going through a really tough time? Did he really mean all of that?Do you think he said those things because i kept on messaging him? How could he give up if the fights were only so recent? Is the pressure too much because he is grieving? He still hasn't told any of our mutual friends because if he did the girls especially would have messaged me by now, but tomorrow (Saturday ) they are all having a BBQ, which I was invited to & if I don't pitch up & they ask why what will he say? If he tells them does it make it even more real?I am so confused because it was just two fights that happened on unfortunate days I i can't take the past back. I just want to show him I can fix it as I have learnt from it if he can just give me a chance. I did't once throw his faults in his face...

I just need some advise if anyone out there can help me find my way back to him. I am sure about it. I am breaking down so much I don't know what to do. I don't want to message our mutual friends begging for help because it would push hi away even more if he found out. 

Please... help me.

[kayc]

You are taking blame for something blame should not be affixed.  Your feelings were valid, and you had reason for any insecurity if he pays compliments to others but not you.  The timing wasn't great, yes, but most people won't break off for something so trivial, esp. if everything else is going well between the two of you.

You speak of winning him back but we don't have control over whether they want to or not...we have to accept them as is.  I've read and responded to all of these threads in this section and out of hundreds of them, I only recall one couple that made it through intact after breaking up due to grief/loss.  A certain segment of people are unable to do a relationship while grieving and for their own reasons, do not reunite later on.  Grief changes us, it has a beginning but not an ending, although it does change form and evolve over time as we go through it.  My fiance and I were engaged for a year when he broke up with me due to his mom's dying (he was her caregiver)...a few months later she passed and I sent him a sympathy card.  He called and talked for 3 1/2 hours.  But he was very erratic, up and down, telling me he loved me and then not calling for weeks...I realized he was all over the place and didn't know his own mind.  I knew I had to disregard whatever he was saying because he DIDN'T know his own mind, I couldn't count on anything he said.  I accepted him as is and we have been good friends in the ten years since.  He's never tried to get me back.  We can't even be friends if one of us is secretly hoping for something else because then there would be manipulation on one part instead of acceptance as is.  

Having a no contact period will help your heart to heal and also bring you clarity.  It's important to focus on YOU and let him do HIM.  I know this isn't what you want to hear, the desperation in your heart is crying out, I get that.  I cried for months, YOU are grieving the loss of your relationship and I know it's painful and is a process.

4 hours ago, KirstK said:

i can't give you what you want

Therein lies your answer.  I know it's not what you want, the rest of us didn't want or ask to be dumped either, but it's what we must accept and adjust to.  I wish you the best going forward.  I know you think you'll never heal from this but you will...it just takes effort on your part.  Spend time with your family/friends and activities you enjoy or have wanted to do.

 

4 hours ago, KirstK said:

His response was "I hope i didn't make a mistake & i hope i don't fu%*ing regret it"

That shows how messed up he is right now.  Grief changes people, it affects things.  This isn't about how you are or aren't, nor is it about him, it's a classic grief response, he doesn't have it in him to do a relationship!

 

4 hours ago, KirstK said:

Did he really mean all of that?

You have to accept him as is now, not keep wanting things to go back to the way they were, they won't.

 

4 hours ago, KirstK said:

I just want to show him I can fix it

But you can't fix it.  He's grieving.  He doesn't have it in him to grieve and do a relationship.