New to this - lost my husband 5 weeks ago

[GinGin]

I lost my wonderful husband and best friend Keith 5 weeks ago tomorrow. We were married for 27 years in 2019, and earlier this month was the 29th anniversary of our 1st date. Keith was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer in May and started chemo in June. Obviously the chemo treatments didn't work. When Keith started his treatment he didn't have one symptom and was healthy looking. By looking at him you never would have known what was growing inside of him. Each treatment made him worse, but we held out hope that things would work.  It broke my heart to see him have to go through this hell. But we hoped it would be worth it. That was not to be. Keith passed away late on a Sunday evening with me by his side, holding his hand telling him I would be okay and that he could go. What he went through for those 8 months no one should have to go through.

So now here I sit home alone, because of this virus I am more isolated than ever, even with text and phone messages from friends and family. Grief meetings have been postponed because of the virus - so now I'm turning to technology for help. I don't know what my new normal should be. I know that I cry daily and that I miss Keith so much. I don't seem to be able to concentrate and get things done - I'm not even really sure how I should feel. I know everyone's "normal" is different - but I'm just trying to reach out for any thoughts or suggestions. I just miss Keith so much - how do I get through this.

[widow'15]

28 minutes ago, GinGin said:

So now here I sit home alone, because of this virus I am more isolated than ever, even with text and phone messages from friends and family. Grief meetings have been postponed because of the virus - so now I'm turning to technology for help. I don't know what my new normal should be. I know that I cry daily and that I miss Keith so much. I don't seem to be able to concentrate and get things done - I'm not even really sure how I should feel. I know everyone's "normal" is different - but I'm just trying to reach out for any thoughts or suggestions. I just miss Keith so much - how do I get through this.

GinGin:  I was so sorry to read of your recent loss of your love, Keith.  You ask how to get through this.  From my experience, soon to be five years, I try to take one day at a time.  Some days just getting out of bed is all I care to manage.  By coming to this forum you will  learn that each one of us have found support from one another.  Just know, you are not alone.  Hugs, Dee

[iPraiseHim]

Hi GinGin,

Welcome to our wonderful group. My heart grieves with you as you go through this loss and grief of your beloved Keith.

We are the survivors and the one left behind as a result of our partners death.  We survive simply just one moment, one hour, one day at a time.  I was in such Shock and AWE from my wife's death and these wonderful group of people listened, shared, and cared for me on this grief journey.  It is comforting to know that we are not alone and that others understand, empathize, and care for one another.

My wife, Rose Anne, and I were married for 25 years and together 26.  We were inseparable until the day she passed.  There will be others to welcome and say hi with some tips and suggestions.  What you are feeling is real.  I had a difficult time concentrating, sleeping, eating, focusing on a task, and even breathing at times. There is no right or wrong way to feel.  Feelings are just that feelings.  Drink plenty of water, try to eat nourishing food, and get plenty of sleep to rest and restore. Grief takes a lot of energy.  Thank you for sharing with us and let us know how we can help you. - Shalom (Peace)

[Kieron]

Welcome to the group, although welcome often seems almost an inappropriate word at times, but I guess it's all we have. 

There isn't any "how" to feel.  You just feel whatever you feel, as it comes, when it comes.  And you get through this raw experience moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.  As George says, grieving takes energy, and at 5 weeks, it's pretty fresh, so expect any, all or just some of the effects he describes, and expect them to come and go at will.  In the face of this loss, it's very okay to not get some things done, not be unable to concentrate, because your thoughts are very much occupied with absorbing the reality of a huge void in your life.  I was advised by a Native American acquaintance, early on in my loss journey,  that in her culture, and in another way of life, I would have been excused from any and all social obligations for an entire year.  Unfortunately, modern life doesn't give us that time.

Add to it this new social isolation, well you can hardly be blamed for being at a complete loss for how to perceive this new normal.  None of this is normal, anymore!

Just know we're listening and we get it.

[GinGin]

Thank you all for reaching out so quickly. I know that I am not alone - and that others go through the same horror.  It just seems so unfair - and I just keep asking the same question of why over and over. Thank you.

[Gwenivere]

That 'why' question will hound you for a very long time.  To be honest, I doubt you will find an answer beyond biology.  If you are spiritual, you may have some reasons come to you.  The most we can aspire to is acceptance ultimately and ways we can find to live this new unspeakable void.  That acceptance doesn’t mean having the pain go away.  It only means we come to see no matter what we want, wish, maybe even think we did 'wrong' doesn’t change that half of ourself died that day too.

 I was married for over 30 years and knew him for many before that.  He was in my life for more than half of it.  It changed literally everything.  I live a life I never could have imagined.  Being new to this, the advice of taking it as it comes is right on.  It’s all you can do and should.  You can’t outrun it.  It will find you.  I wish you weren’t here for obvious reasons.  But you are in a family that will help you with anything you feel and so much will be alien to you.  Keep posting anything, there are people who care and understand it all. Most importantly you will be heard. Long after people that have not experienced this think you should be 'all better'.  

Ihope you come to find some solace here as we have.

[MartyT]

Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief  ❤️

[kayc]

18 hours ago, GinGin said:

I just miss Keith so much - how do I get through this.

GinGin, I am so sorry for your loss...losing my husband and later my dog Arlie were the two roughest things I've had to go through.  My husband George was sudden, unexpected, a shock.  Arlie I lost bit by bit as he had inoperable cancer as well as Lymphoma.  I know what you speak of when you talk about the last eight months, I went through it not only with my dog, but my MIL, whom I was caretaker for the last three years of her life as cancer ravaged her body.  We try to remember the better times but even the cancer journey is part of our memories with them.

I wrote an article of the things that I found helpful in the first ten years of my journey...one of the most crucial was learning to take one day at a time.  You mention not knowing how you should feel...however you are feeling, that is how you should feel.  Everyone's grief journey is as unique as the person and their relationship.  Throw the "shoulds" away and let yourself flow through this...we can't circumvent grief, there's no way around it but straight through it, tears and all.  We'll be here for you if you want us to.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, GinGin said:

It just seems so unfair

It is unfair. 

 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That 'why' question will hound you for a very long time.  To be honest, I doubt you will find an answer beyond biology.  If you are spiritual, you may have some reasons come to you.  The most we can aspire to is acceptance ultimately and ways we can find to live this new unspeakable void.  That acceptance doesn’t mean having the pain go away.  It only means we come to see no matter what we want, wish, maybe even think we did 'wrong' doesn’t change that half of ourself died that day too.

So true.  I am a Christian...I asked "why" repeatedly in those early days/months...I never got an answer.  Some things are beyond us to understand.  I finally quit asking.  Acceptance does not mean we like it.  It does not mean we agree with it, we never gave our consent to this.  It just is.  It simply means we realize this has happened and incorporate those facts into our lives going forward.  I remember in those early months after my grown son had said something to me, responding, "George isn't here!  Trust me, I've looked!  He's not in the bedroom, not in the living room, not in the dining room, not in the shop, he's NOT HERE!"  I don't recall exactly what prompted that outburst, only recall having it.  This is the hardest thing in the world to have sink into us.  It's a process.