New to this and I'm suffocating

[Laurieah]

Hello everyone and thank you for accepting me. I've never felt more alone in my life as I don't really have friends or much family. My S/O of just shy of 18 years passed on 3/21, he was my whole world. I've been struggling all week and then my bd came sunday and what would of been our 18 year anniversary on Monday, the pain and sheer exhaustion of grief seems to much to take. I feel guilty for living, eating, etc. I just don't feel like being alive. I know these feelings are normal, I came here to maybe find some kind of comfort amoung others who are going through this too, although I wish no one had to feel this immense pain of losing their partner in life.

[MartyT]

8 minutes ago, Laurieah said:

I wish no one had to feel this immense pain of losing their partner in life.

We all share that wish with you, Laurie. It's good to see you here, although I'm so sorry for the reason that brought you to us. I know that you will feel welcome here. Our hugs are virtual ones, but they are just as real and every bit as genuine as the other kind. ❤️ 

[Laurieah]

Thank you so much MartyT ❤

[kayc]

@Laurieah  I am so sorry for your loss.  This place literally saved my life nearly 15 years ago after my husband died.  The shock and disbelief, I didn't know where to start on this foreign thing called grief but it was now my life.

You are not alone here, for those of us here get it.  In the early days, I didn't know how I would do five minutes, let alone the rest of my life.  I soon learned to take one day at a time and I practice it still.  I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, much of it learned from Marty (she's our Mother Hen and a library of information) as well as those going through this along the way.  I hope you'll find some help here as well as later on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry for your loss.  You are definitely in the right place with others that understand everything you feel now and will as time goes by.  Some have support at home, others don’t.  I don’t have anyone close either and that is especially hard.  Your loss is SO very new and your mind is trying to process a huge shock, even if it was expected.  We are never truly prepared for the reality.  I had lots of his friends calling every day and essentially suffocating me.  I had to retreat from them.  When I did want some support they had moved on or I found  the hard part.....they couldn’t truly understand.  That is one part we didn’t expect til we see they can’t as they haven’t experienced it.  I heard a lot of suggestions and knew I had to find others that spoke this new 'language' to be heard.  People that knew that half of ourselves died that day too.  That we would never be the same.  8 or 18 years this person was your best friend, lover, confidant, the most important to you and you to them.  Kay has supplied her experience on how to try and navigate this shattered world you have entered.  I hope you will share more (as you are ready and care to) of your relationship and let those here try and help by listening or shared experience what helped them that might help you.  Every journey is unique and that is totally respected here.  We can’t be there physically for you, but we can hear you and I know that saved me and still does 5 years later.  The outside world wants us fixed and who we were quickly and that is not possible.  The most, and it’s totally consuming, is to now start the day to day change in a front of you.  Having understanding friends and a family here can lighten that load.  We’re open 24/7 and you can say anything, we get it.  I’m truly sorry you are  here for what it cost you.  Marty has articles she has written as a grief specialist that are helpful if you want to read them.  I don’t know what any of us would do without this place she gives us to be with each other.   My heart goes out to you as understand.  I had almost 33 years with my husband.  I miss him every day.  

[widow'15]

Laurieah:  My heart goes out to you for your recent loss of your loved one.  I can only second all that has been said by kayc, Gwen, Marty and all that have recognized your loss.  Yes, you have made the right step by joining this forum.  Each one of us have had to learn how to walk this difficult path of grief.  You will find so much support from all on this forum.  Just know, you are not alone here.  Dee

[Laurieah]

Thank you Kayc, Gwenivere and widow'15. ❤ thank you for your kind and comforting words and advice. I'm sure I will be a regular here, it's nice to know I have somwhere to go and people that understand.

[kayc]

Laurieah,

This has become my extended family.  When I had surgery a few years ago, the ONLY one who called and checked on me was from this group.  These people know what it's like to be alone and missing their spouse and are very empathetic.  

This is a good place to be heard and understood.  (((hugs)))