Feeling Angry and Sad but Mostly Numb

[Ofoeti]

My husband of 53 years died January 30. He was disabled all his life, and was in a nursing home for his last year following an accident. We were both creative people, but as we  moved into our life together, more and more he became the dominant personality, and I felt dismissed, lonely, not understood. I supported both of us while he completed his B.A., then 4 years of art school, and then was the primary financial support for us and our two children through their young adulthoods. I could not find time to paint or sculpt or write. During our past ten years we led parallel lives. He required a lot of personal care a year before his accident, and although he had a tracheotomy in the nursing home, he pressed me constantly to bring him home. I wear a back brace. He weighed 260 pounds. His sisters thought I was cruel. I am both very very sad about he death and his terrible illness beforehand, and very very angry that I could never get him to "really" see me. To love me as much as I loved him. I am actually afraid that if I let myself feel these emotions, they will overwhelm me. So I try to distract myself--I listen to audiobooks constantly, play with my puppy, and try to find the energy to reorganize my house. Now with the threat of the virus pandemic, I can't travel like I wanted. Have other survivors felt anger as well as sadness after loss?

[Gwenivere]

First, I’m sorry you are here because of the admission cost.  

Im sorry to read your marriage was not as equal as you would have wanted.  Over half a century is a very long time together so I am assuming there was something that kept you both together.  

Anger is something I think every one has felt here.  For each person it’s often for different reasons.  I feel it because I often resent that he was spared the pain I now endure being alone.  That no one will be there for me like I was for him.  It’s not rational as he had no control of his cancer and certainly didn’t want this to happen.  That doesn’t prevent me from cursing at him over the years when I really need him.  People that have never experienced this don’t understand the anger.  Tears are acceptable and I have had so many and more will come.  

So, yes, anger is common.  Everything you feel is valid because your path is unique.  Don’t let anyone tell you how to experience your grief, including the anger.  I know you are asking because you were unhappy about incidents that happened long before he died.  Someone may feel that in a way that can relate.  You also tagged this with fear and loneliness, perhaps you could say more about how that is affecting you?

Marty has written many articles, she may have something she can point you to.  

[kayc]

I am sorry for your loss.  Anger is common  in grief, esp. early grief.  There are many facets to a person and while we may love some of those facets, find others hard to tolerate.  We have a multitude of feelings, some of them in contrast to other feelings that can coexist at the same time!  I am sorry for your experience and disappointment and no that's not uncommon.  Please understand that all of the feelings you have are normal and okay to feel, that doesn't make you guilty of anything nor are you lesser in any way just because you felt overridden.  I was married for 23 years to someone who "never saw me" let alone loved me!  He got a divorce and I met my George and married him and we were very happy...until he suddenly died at 51.  That was 15 years ago come Father's Day.

I wrote this at about ten years out of the things I'd encountered and found helpful, I hope something in it will be of help to you in your adjustment, perhaps something else later on down the road, this journey is ever evolving.  

My husband's boss turned him onto drugs so he'd work harder/faster.  He was already breaking back restrictions at what he required him to do, he was by nature a hard worker!  He came and confessed to me three weeks before he died and was in rehab before he died of a heart attack.  After his death I began piecing together lies he'd told so he could gain access to $ from our household without me knowing the reason.  There were many and figuring these out hurt me.  It wasn't what our relationship had been based on.  I felt anger at the deceit.  It took me time to process this, maybe a year or so.  In the end I accepted the whole of the man and forgave him.  I realized he wasn't just this bit and piece, he was everything I knew him to be rolled into one.  It may take you time to process this too.  Distracting doesn't get to the bottom of it and deal with it, it only works for a while.  When you feel more ready I hope you'll begin the process of addressing who he was to you, how it affected you, learn to forgive him that, but most of all, accept YOU as the wonderful caring person you are and realize YOU ARE WORTHY of so much more than you've been dealt.  I learned to be my own best friend now that my bestie is gone.  I've developed confidence in myself, in my ability to make it on my own.  Many of your wonderful qualities may have been buried while you were taking care of others, but it's never too late for you to do your artwork and explore who YOU are and what YOU want!

I am glad you found this place, this is my "home away from home."  These people here are my extended family, we welcome you to our tribe.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Ofoeti]

Thank you. I needed someone to tell me that I really am OK. Not selfish. 

[MartyT]

You really are OK, my dear, and you most certainly are NOT selfish. Bear in mind that feelings are not facts, and they're not always rational or even justified ~ they just are. If we simply acknowledge them and make some effort to understand why we're feeling as we are, those feelings eventually dissipate. It's when we use all our energy to deny or to bury what we are feeling that we run into trouble. You may find this article useful: Is Anger One of The Stages of Grief?   ❤️

[Ofoeti]

Thank you for your comments. I worked very hard for him, and sacrificed a lot. My last therapist led me to realize that his actions arose from a deep sense of vulnerability in a social and familial culture of unrelenting patriarchy. For him to admit how very much I contributed would  make him appear weak in his own eyes. His actions toward me were "not personal" in that sense.

I think I always wanted some kind of validation from him, and that was probably beyond him. And his death left a big hole that he could never fill.  Maybe that was not his responsibility, but mine. (I never had it in my own family as a child, despite high grades through high school and college. When my mother asked what finishing cum laude meant, my father said it didn't mean anything.)

Well, time to make my own tracks in life and realize how much I have accomplished! Pat my own back. And give myself permission to grieve for a lot of stuff.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Ofoeti said:

Well, time to make my own tracks in life and realize how much I have accomplished! Pat my own back. And give myself permission to grieve for a lot of stuff.

Ofoeti:  Am sorry to read your story of the loss of your husband.  A marriage of 53 years is a long time with many occasions that must have been good along with the unhappy times. 

It is unfortunate that your loss happened just about the beginning of this pandemic.  I want to believe this only makes your path more difficult.  Your last two sentences in your last post hints you might very well be on the right path to heal.  What I learned in the loss of my husband five years ago, is to take one day at a time and remember this is your grief and you will have to do it your way. 

I hope you have family and friends nearby during this difficult time.

Regards, Dee

[Kieron]

Welcome, and it sounds like you have already found some awareness that your feelings are not wrong or selfish or anything else-- just natural.

On 4/28/2020 at 11:20 PM, Ofoeti said:

I am actually afraid that if I let myself feel these emotions, they will overwhelm me.

I'd like to mention this sentence you wrote.   The fear you describe is, in my experience anyway, an illusion.  It's an illusion  that makes us back away from the intensity we're afraid will destroy us, as if we were on a beach, witnessing a huge ocean wave rising higher and higher, reaching for the sky and threatening to crash down on our head.  And it will crash down, and it will bring you to your knees, as it should.  But then it passes over you and then it recedes for awhile.  Yes, it will come again, but the intensity is a little bit less each time.  Unfortunately, most of us are not taught much about death and dying and the aftermath of it, so when it happens, we're overwhelmed and knocked off our feet.  it's like Marty says, "It's when we use all our energy to deny or to bury what we are feeling that we run into trouble."

And then there's this remark:

15 hours ago, Ofoeti said:

My last therapist led me to realize that his actions arose from a deep sense of vulnerability in a social and familial culture of unrelenting patriarchy.

So then, here it sounds like you were given a clue to what was going on inside him to make him the way he was.  Authoritarian cultures with stern and harsh patriarchal structures are incredibly damaging to both men and women, although in different ways.  It prevents boys and men from really being able to be able to express gratitude, gentleness and love, at least not without lots of practice. 

You don't really specify, but here's another clue, when you mentioned your own father:

15 hours ago, Ofoeti said:

When my mother asked what finishing cum laude meant, my father said it didn't mean anything.)

Sounds like he's another one caught in that same kind of culture.  Graduating with honors is no small feat, but maybe that was something that was frowned on in the culture...?

At any rate I hope you'll continue to draw inspiration and understanding from some of the articles here.  🙂

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Ofoeti said:

Well, time to make my own tracks in life and realize how much I have accomplished! Pat my own back. And give myself permission to grieve for a lot of stuff.

Absolutely, there you go!  I wish you'd explained to your mom what it meant, apparently  they really didn't know.  My son did also and I was so proud of him!  

I echo Marty, you absolutely are anything but selfish!  You've given and pleased all your life, now it's time to give and please YOU!

 

[Ofoeti]

Thank you all for your comments. I spend a long time reading them over; copying them and saving them. For most of my life, revealing myself emotionally has often been fraught with problems, so that I keep my "self" to myself. In the last months of my husband's illness, I finally told him that I was sorry I was not the wife he wanted me to be, but I could not help who I was. He seemed unable to believe I loved him, and he was afraid I would leave him. I discovered afterward that he actually told some of his visitors that, as well as his sisters. After 53 years! So, reading these responses, I feel a lot more at peace with myself. I knew I could not stop his death--every part of his body was deteriorating over the preceding three years, and my kids and I worked hard to help him. But I feel I can shed "guilt," and maybe start believing that I am inherently worthy without having to prove it by taking care of everybody else. I am an intelligent person, but obviously very stupid about some things.  

[razorclam]

6 hours ago, Kieron said:

 

 Authoritarian cultures with stern and harsh patriarchal structures are incredibly damaging to both men and women, although in different ways.  It prevents boys and men from really being able to be able to express gratitude, gentleness and love, at least not without lots of practice. 

 

  That is the thing I miss the most about my friend/colleague who died of cancer last year. In the year before he died, he told me almost every day how much he appreciated our friendship, how good our messaging made him feel. And he was not afraid to say he loved me. One way that I can find redemption in his loss is to teach my sons to be more like this. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Ofoeti said:

He seemed unable to believe I loved him, and he was afraid I would leave him. I discovered afterward that he actually told some of his visitors that, as well as his sisters. After 53 years!

Your husband had his own issues, and I truly hope you don't attribute them to yourself.  You aren't responsible for another person's issues, only they can address that and work on it.  53 years is a very long time and if he didn't realize your love by then, I doubt there's anything you could have done to change that.  

I wouldn't say you're stupid either, look at what you HAVE done!  How you've taken care of everyone and kept going, I'm sure it wasn't always easy either.  

What would you tell a friend in this situation?  Tell yourself that.  Be your own best friend. 

[Ofoeti]

Thank you. After joining this group and reading all the comments, for the first time in a long while I feel able to let the anger go and see beyond hurt. I do miss him, and I do know he loved me, even if he couldn't say it in a meaningful way. And that is allowing me to grieve his passing less encumbered.

[Gwenivere]

I’m glad you’ve found some help here.  Just wanted to point out that anger often hangs around as long as the loss which is forever.  As you travel you path, you’ll be amazed the things that will jump out of nowhere or triggers you nor suspected.  Obvious things are just that, obvious.  A favorite song, restaurant, movie, etc. A 7/11 closed by me and I was often annoyed he would want to stop for some little thing.  Seeing it boarded up brought me to tears the first time and every time I pass it I miss those days.  It sounds like you have a good sense that it will be around saying 'less' encumbered.  Life with them was good and bad.  Life without is as well.  Tho less good stuff, a lot less good stuff.  

[kayc]

I'm glad this helped you.  People are complex so is it any wonder that grieving them can be as well?!  We often have mixed emotions, sometimes conflicting at the same time, all of them valid.  Be patient with yourself, always kind with yourself.