Help.

[Metal]

After my previous post I went and checked the mailbox. Along with another sympathy card, as has been the case almost every day, there was Jenna's death certificate. That was rough, something else finalized and confirmed somehow. Guess it also means that I need to start sorting out some of the financial and legal stuff. Not looking forward to that. But as I sat on the back deck with the certificate in my hand and watched the sun go down, my mate (the same one who visited Saturday) invited me to visit for dinner with he and his wife. So that was a welcome distraction, and I didn't get back home until a short time ago, well after 2am. 

[Kieron]

Yeah, these things often have such a jolt about them, especially the first time you have to update your emergency contacts.  😣 

[Metal]

34 minutes ago, Kieron said:

Yeah, these things often have such a jolt about them, especially the first time you have to update your emergency contacts.  😣 

Yeh, tell me about it, that happened only a few days after Jenna passed (on the Monday, after Jenna passed Thursday night). I went to see the GP, but at a different clinic to what I'd been to before, and they needed me to fill out a form with emergency contact and next of kin. Hit me like a freight train. 

[Gwenivere]

All the legal and filling out forms now change.  Some places don’t have 'widowed' so have to mark single.  That stings as I don’t feel that in my heart, just physically.  I say 'we' a lot and it’s been 5 years.  I hate that dreaded death certificate.  I recently had to send my brother in law a copy for something.  Hit me like a train too.  Next of kin is a toughie for me, my only cousin is in NM so I put in my DPOA and one of Steve’s band buddies.  Sometimes a woman I know depending as she doesn’t want certain responsibilities.  It used to be so easy.  His name!

[Kieron]

Yep, that "Single" thing irritates me no end, taking no account of what lasted for 19 years.  And just the other day, he got his "stimulus check" 😒 in the mail-- after 3 years and 2 months  gone!  Sheesh!  So then I had to check the box in the upper corner of the unopened envelope that reads, "If Recipient deceased, check here and drop in mailbox."  Yes, thank you for reminding me, forcing me to re-acknowledge something painful.  🤬  I could sure use the $1200 but the penalty is pretty steep (even if I were the type to do such a thing).

[KarenK]

What a slap in the face for you! Is the government efficient or what?

After 7 years, I still get mail addressed to Ron. Usually it's something medical. I feel like calling the hearing aid place and telling them no matter how great their hearing aid is, he's not going to be able to hear with it, I don't waste my time.

So much stupidity in the world!

 

[kayc]

I got six census forms.  I filled it out on line first day I got it...called them with each of the extra ones they sent.  They're still doing it.  Talk about inefficient!

I remember how hard that death certificate was, it made it seem so final, so real.

The first time I filled out a form and had to put widowed or single was super hard.

[Metal]

Well I went and picked up Jenna's ashes this afternoon. One more finality. I drove my old Corvette, which was Jenna's gift to me for my 30th birthday. It has been off the road for a number of months - I had it nearly back together when Jenna got sick. So I have worked on it little bits here and there for the past couple of weeks and finished it enough today to drive it when I got the news that I could come and pick them up. It seemed like the right thing to do somehow. 

[Metal]

Hmm. Don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight. 

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, Kieron said:

And just the other day, he got his " So then I had to check the box in the upper corner of the unopened envelope that reads, "If Recipient deceased, check here and drop in mailbox."  Yes, thank you for reminding me, forcing me to re-acknowledge something painful.  🤬 

Fortunately they didn’t send a double amount for a couple.  I’m guessing from tax returns and people that lose someone this year will get them.  Still think that would have tipped them off he hadn’t filed in years.  Yah, keep getting things now and then for Steve.  Closing our PO Box was so emotionally hard but really cut back on that as he used that for his stuff which generated a lot of catalogs.   I have called places, Karen, that annoy me with their mail to him.  It’s a good outlet for pent up frustration and you can be legitimately mad at them.  Hopefully your returning with that horrible box checked you won’t get anything else as reminders.  

 

1 hour ago, Metal said:

Hmm. Don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight. 

I’m so sorry, Andrew.  I know when Steve’s arrived I was numb for the day.  Didn’t know what to do with them.  Kicked myself for opting to get them as we did that for our dogs but had talked about if we wanted to do that for each other.  Don’t recall the answer so I figured I was supposed to as most do.  Do you have plans for them (her)?  I know it’s a bad day and I understand you just need to deal with this first.  Ashes are such a personal thing.  The worst being they force us to accept they are truly gone.  Not that we needed.that, but we have the physical proof.  I’m just making this worse so I’ll stop.  Big hugs to you today.  ❤️

[kayc]

I held onto George's for two years before realizing the place he'd most want to be is our home so he's in the back yard along with our pet's graves.  I have Memorial stones for each.  It's reassuring to look out my patio door and know they all rest there.

[Kieron]

I kept the urn closed and in an out of the way spot for quite some time, as I recall.  I was really annoyed at the choice of urn that his sister made at the funeral home, as he would have been perfectly fine with a nice decorative tin or a fancy bottle or a carved wooden box from the secondhand store.  I was appalled at how much the thing cost her, but she wanted to buy it so I let it go.  I should probably stop here.  🤣

It took 2 years before circumstances aligned for me to take them where we were happiest, in the far north of the state by the border of Canada.

[Metal]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm so sorry, Andrew.  I know when Steve’s arrived I was numb for the day.  Didn’t know what to do with them.  Kicked myself for opting to get them as we did that for our dogs but had talked about if we wanted to do that for each other.  Don’t recall the answer so I figured I was supposed to as most do.  Do you have plans for them (her)?  I know it’s a bad day and I understand you just need to deal with this first.  Ashes are such a personal thing.  The worst being they force us to accept they are truly gone.  Not that we needed.that, but we have the physical proof.  I’m just making this worse so I’ll stop.  Big hugs to you today.  

Definitely not making it worse, as that's much the situation I'm in. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I held onto George's for two years before realizing the place he'd most want to be is our home so he's in the back yard along with our pet's graves.  I have Memorial stones for each.  It's reassuring to look out my patio door and know they all rest there.

 

2 hours ago, Kieron said:

I kept the urn closed and in an out of the way spot for quite some time, as I recall.  I was really annoyed at the choice of urn that his sister made at the funeral home, as he would have been perfectly fine with a nice decorative tin or a fancy bottle or a carved wooden box from the secondhand store.  I was appalled at how much the thing cost her, but she wanted to buy it so I let it go.  I should probably stop here.  🤣

It took 2 years before circumstances aligned for me to take them where we were happiest, in the far north of the state by the border of Canada.

Thanks to all of you, it's good to know that I'm in company. We didn't have a chance to discuss, and I don't have any plans or ideas. Most of the places that are specifically special to us are not permanent or suitable - restaurants and the like. Can't bring myself to tie the memories to a place that might not be there or available to access in future. And that goes for our home too - I'm in no hurry to move, and we loved living here, but we had been discussing the possibility of moving over the past year before everything went south. We had a lot of great holidays in a lot of different places, no place really more precious than another. I think the big thing was just that we had the time to spend together, wherever we happened to go. I still have the ashes from our first Rottweiler on the shelf above my desk, but as important as he was, obviously this is more so. I dunno. A number of people have been asking me that, and I felt pressure (whether real or imagined) from some that I should be planning something, or that it's weird to hold onto them, but for now they're not going anywhere. I just don't know. 

[Kieron]

57 minutes ago, Metal said:

A number of people have been asking me that, and I felt pressure (whether real or imagined) from some that I should be planning something, or that it's weird to hold onto them, but for now they're not going anywhere. I just don't know. 

It's more than okay to not know. 

Noting that's it's been a matter of weeks since you lost her.... If I might offer you one piece of advice that I wish I had been given: don't allow other people's hints, comments, wishes, feelings and opinions --about your next steps, the ashes, belongings, personal effects, clothing, and so forth--sway you from what your heart tells you.  "Should" doesn't belong in this scenario.  Banish "should" from your vocabulary and give yourself a year of grace, before making any major decisions.  Just be, for now.  The time for action will come soon enough.

[Gwenivere]

Wonder why people would think it is weird to hold onto them.  That is something many do.  On a mantle or shelf.  I guess this 'scattering' thing caught on and now is expected.   Reading this got me up and scattered his and our last retriever's ashes under a tree we planted for our dad’s decades ago. Even if I move, this was their home.   They had been in a toychest for years.  What we always did was start burning a pillar candle in the fireplace when we would lose a parent or dog.  Now I keep 4, one for him, one for Belle, one for our parents and the last for all our other dogs.  We put a mirror in there so it is brighter.  I feel lighter, he’s free now in all ways.  

It’s interesting that just reading about your day settled mine.  Took over 5 years.  No ceremony.  No people.  

Kierons advice is very sound.  No major decisions for at least a year.  You have so much to process and this can wait.  Just feel what you feel now.

[MartyT]

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Kierons advice is very sound.  No major decisions for at least a year.  You have so much to process and this can wait.  Just feel what you feel now.

I couldn't agree more! See also: 

In Grief: Sifting and Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings

 Tips on Sorting a Loved One’s Personal Belongings

 

[Metal]

Thanks everyone. It's a big help to share it. 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wonder why people would think it is weird to hold onto them.  That is something many do.  On a mantle or shelf.  I guess this 'scattering' thing caught on and now is expected.   Reading this got me up and scattered his and our last retriever's ashes under a tree we planted for our dad’s decades ago. Even if I move, this was their home.   They had been in a toychest for years.  What we always did was start burning a pillar candle in the fireplace when we would lose a parent or dog.  Now I keep 4, one for him, one for Belle, one for our parents and the last for all our other dogs.  We put a mirror in there so it is brighter.  I feel lighter, he’s free now in all ways.  

It’s interesting that just reading about your day settled mine.  Took over 5 years.  No ceremony.  No people.  

Kierons advice is very sound.  No major decisions for at least a year.  You have so much to process and this can wait.  Just feel what you feel now.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I did put "whether real or imagined" - it's easy for me to take meaning from things said that may or may not be there right now. No one has actually said that, just a feeling that I've had on a couple of occasions from people's reactions. 

Glad that it was able to help you in some way. 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Metal said:

A number of people have been asking me that, and I felt pressure (whether real or imagined) from some that I should be planning something, or that it's weird to hold onto them, but for now they're not going anywhere. I just don't know. 

We'd talked about it and thought maybe one of our favorite places to walk but I hung onto them not knowing where until it hit me, our home was the place he loved, he always called it "our home in the clouds."  So that is where I laid him to rest.  My kids have instructions to place my ashes there too.  I didn't want a cemetery, I wanted someplace close to me.

There is no hurry, don't let anyone rush you, you will know when it's right and where.  Until then, no pressure.

[Robinandkevin]

Hello Andrew(Metal) I know you have gotten lots of great advice hear this site is amazing it really isI don’t know where I would be without this sites help and listening and understanding, let me start my saying I am so sorry for your loss I am so sorry you had to find this site I would never wish this journey on anyone, I am not on here much anymore I am going on year four of my journey but some days it still feels like yesterday I was not as young as you but still pretty young I lost my husband of 26 years four years ago when I was 46 life changed forever that day my life was never the same I lost him to drugs I am not gonna tell you it’s gets better with time it’s just becomes different your life becomes a different normal not one you asked for or wanted but it does, it’s not easy some days you just want to throw in the towel say why bother but the hope is that one day you are able to find some sense peace and be able to keep going with their love tucked away in your heart and mind forever all the advice you have gotten is amazing not much more I can offer I used to take it one breath at a time one thought at a time I still find it hard to picture my future sometimes but for whatever reason I still get up everyday blessed to of had the love I did some people never find a love like we have sorry for rambling know you are never alone it may be your journey but your never alone hugs to you Robin

[Metal]

Thank you Robin. 

[shebert56]

Hi Andrew, I'm another who isn't here often, but I wanted to reach out to send you love.  

August will be two years since Stephen crossed the veil.  I made it through the worst of grief that we all experience and have come to a place of acceptance and peace.  Yes, I still have grief times out of the blue, but not as intense.  I've learned you can't push them aside, that you must lift your head, breathe, and walk through those grief moments.  They will make you stronger even though it doesn't feel that way.

You are okay to be just where you are.  No one's grief is the same, and no one can tell you how to process.  It's a sacred ceremony for each of us.

I just relocated home to be near family, something Stephen told me to do when he became ill if the worst happened.  Not fun house hunting virtually, preparing a home to list, arranging for movers, then trying to settle into a new space.  I didn't leave Stephen behind.  He is where I am.  I started on his memory garden and will add some of his ashes when it's complete.  

Just know that the love never dies.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  Jenna is eternally part of you.  Talk to her, she hears.  And don't be surprised if you get an odd sign or two.  I still get them from Stephen.

This group has been a lifeline for me.  You are in a safe, welcoming place.  And you're not alone.

Hugs,

Shirley

[MartyT]

SO nice to hear from you again, Shirley! Love and blessings to you, and thank you for your kind comments about our site ❤️

[Metal]

Thanks Shirley. I've been absent for a little bit, because I just didn't know what to say. I'm still hurting and still trying to work out what I do now. I think I mentioned previously that my Grandad was unwell - I was meant to be seeing him today for the first time since all of this, but received word this morning that he passed away in the early hours of this morning. I had Jenna's best friend visit yesterday, we spent a lot of time talking and had a bit of a cry. I just can't see a way forward from this. But somehow each day keeps passing by. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather.  Your losses are so new and upending.  It’s only been a little over a month for your wife and now him.  I’m glad you got some human contact with Jenna's best friend.  So much to try and process.  I didn’t speak to many people, it was too overwhelming.  Just a few trusted people as repeated retelling or pulling me into what was so intense tore me up.  Yes, the days keep passing.  They will continue to do so.  I hope you find a way.  It’s definitely a very hard endeavor.  Feeling lost is so natural. You’ve lost your anchor.  Do take care.  Always remember everything you feel is normal, as much as horrible that is.  You are also being hit by triggers, conscious or not, constantly.  

[Metal]

30 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather.  Your losses are so new and upending.  It’s only been a little over a month for your wife and now him.  I’m glad you got some human contact with Jenna's best friend.  So much to try and process.  I didn’t speak to many people, it was too overwhelming.  Just a few trusted people as repeated retelling or pulling me into what was so intense tore me up.  Yes, the days keep passing.  They will continue to do so.  I hope you find a way.  It’s definitely a very hard endeavor.  Feeling lost is so natural. You’ve lost your anchor.  Do take care.  Always remember everything you feel is normal, as much as horrible that is.  You are also being hit by triggers, conscious or not, constantly.  

Yeh.

"I didn’t speak to many people, it was too overwhelming.  Just a few trusted people as repeated retelling or pulling me into what was so intense tore me up"

I've also been avoiding this for the most part, apart from a few close people. This is part of what I'm dreading when I eventually try to go back to work. That and the fact that I know there'll be a massive backlog of work and a lot of pressure to get it done. "Sorry for your loss, must be really hard, let me know if you need anything. Now there's twenty outstanding jobs that are costing the company hundreds of thousands of dollars a day in damages, could you just get all of those done by the end of the day please?". Yep, looking forward to that.