Coronavirus was the final straw

[Clematis]

Herb died last night. I'm not sure what to even call him. He was my Jewish father, the man who taught me what it meant to be culturally Jewish. He was my adopted and surrogate father, the man who was always there for me and the rest of the family, even in the days when I had minimal contact with my family of origin. Herb was amazing and it seemed like he knew everything and how to do anything. He taught physics at Occidental College in L.A. for many years, and before that taught all of the math and science courses at Deep Springs College, in Big Pine, CA, a two year college where students attend college courses while also learning how to run a working ranch. Not only was he able to teach any college course in math or science, he could have taught world history or photography, or a host of other subjects. He had a great sense of humor, played the guitar and could sing or talk in Yiddish, Spanish, and several other languages. He could design or repair anything, and had creative and sometimes bizarre - but workable - solutions for anything and everything. You could call him or sit down with him and pose some question, and he would launch forth on a lecture of close to an hour with entirely information that he pulled out of his vast memory.

He was a true mensch and loved his family and friends, of which he had many.  He was a humanitarian and a feminist; there was nothing about him that was sexist, racist, agist, or prejudiced in any way. He was kind and generous, and the smartest person I have only known. He is a lost to the world, and most especially to those close to him. I have tons of pictures of him explaining something to his daughter, his niece, to me, or someone, gesturing with his hands and talking with intensity. That seems like ages ago and like yesterday.

Herb had been declining for several years from dementia and the person that I knew 25 years ago has been mostly gone for a while. Ten years ago he would say he couldn't rememberer all of the details about some thing you had asked him about. Four years ago he stopped driving from Pasadena to Sedona because he was relying on his wife's memory for driving. Two years he could no longer read a clock, but could carry on a basic conversation and remembered the people who were close to him. A year ago he was moved to a memory care unit, but was still under the same roof as the independent living apartment his wife lived in. Six months ago he spent his life facing the door waiting for her visits twice a day. Two months ago his wife suffered a major and then a minor stroke. One month ago, their daughters coaxed his wife out of Pasadena to go live in Oakland with the younger daughter, because they were terrified that they were going to lose both parents. A week or two ago he tested positive for Coronavirus and was placed on Hospice care.

And now Herb is gone. He had some FaceTime sessions with family during his last days as he was slipping in and out of consciousness. He has been slipping away from us for years, but there is a terrible finality to his actual death. The world is not the same place without Herb in it.

[MartyT]

A beautiful tribute to a beautiful man, Laura. I'm so sorry for your loss . . .   ❤️

[kayc]

I am sorry, Laura.  He will be missed by you for sure. 

 

[Kieron]

5 hours ago, Clematis said:

You could call him or sit down with him and pose some question, and he would launch forth on a lecture of close to an hour with entirely information that he pulled out of his vast memory.

Wow, that is amazing.  Clearly the world is much the poorer for his passing.  😔

[Clematis]

7 hours ago, MartyT said:

A beautiful tribute to a beautiful man, Laura. I'm so sorry for your loss . . .   ❤️

Thank you. It really is a loss. Grief is strange. I haven't actually seen Herb in several years, and he left us gradually over a period that lasted for years, but somehow it was different when he was still living and breathing. Death is so final...

[Clematis]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I am sorry, Laura.  He will be missed by you for sure. 

 

Thank you. I have missed him already as he has declined from dementia,  but now he really is gone. I have heard it said that eventually we will all know someone who has died of COVID-19. I thought it for me it would be likely to be someone I knew, but barely. To lose Herb like this is really painful, especially since he died alone and none of us could go to be with him at the end or even to be together afterwards. Everyone who loved Herb is alone or in their little groups scattered all over. I know that this is what is going on all over the world, but I never anticipated that it would hit so close to me. This is my second family. The world is a darker place now.

[MartyT]

14 minutes ago, Clematis said:

The world is a darker place now.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~ Funeral Blues by W.H. Auden

[Clematis]

7 hours ago, MartyT said:

A beautiful tribute to a beautiful man, Laura. I'm so sorry for your loss . . .   ❤️

I haven't been on the site for a while. It's been a brutal school year for work. Then, I went back to visit my sisters and attend a professional conference in February, and as soon as I was starting to get my feet back under me the world as we knew if dissolved and things seem in free fall. People are grieving things they never imagined a person could grieve, such as going to the grocery store and walking around anywhere you wanted in there. It seems to me that the world has turned into a pool of grief that surrounds everything and everyone. People are so immersed in grieving they don't even focus on it, like people don't talk about being wet in a swimming pool. Grief is everywhere and everything 

[Clematis]

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

Wow, that is amazing.  Clearly the world is much the poorer for his passing.  😔

Thank you. He was a wonderful person who touched the lives of a lot of people.

[iPraiseHim]

Laura, My heart grieves with you. This is such a wonderful tribute to a beautiful soul.  This pandemic has touched all of us in vast and unfathomable ways. Praying for peace and comfort for you as you traverse another grief walk.  Please know we are here with you and lift you up. Shalom (Peace) and {{{ HUGS }}}.