Loss of mother, years later now there is a lot of tension with my father

[nearyce]

My twin brother and I lost our mother to cancer in August 2016 at the age of 20. I had been at university 2 hours away from my hometown during this time and my brother and dad were still living in our childhood home. I carried on with school because that's what my mom wanted for me and stayed in contact with my brother and my dad. I saw a therapist and coped as well as I could, while they struggled a lot with grieving and did not use any resources for help. The first year after her death, I would come home once a month because I had drill with the National Guard and my brother and dad would be home and we would get to spend time together. This slowly began to fade when they both found girlfriends. My brother ended up moving in with his girlfriend and my dad practically moved into his girlfriends apartment, I would not see my dad but 5 minutes before he scurried off to his girlfriends apartment for the weekend and this happened for about 8 months. Then I found out from my brother that she was moving into our childhood home and had not heard anything about it from my dad. Long story short, after she moved in, there was a lot of money being thrown around for remodeling the house, going on multiple vacations, buying a $2,000 dog, buying her a new car for Christmas, etc. What my dad does with his money is up to him, but he was never making enough money to be spending that much and is the type of guy that likes to be the provider, so I know his girlfriend didn't spend a penny on these things. It made me mad because that is my mom's money from her life insurance and he isn't even attempting to help his kids out financially, not that we needed much, but I had to ask family friends for money to buy groceries (being in school and not having time for a job). On top of that, I asked him almost every time I was home to hangout with him, just us two and not her, but that never happened. I begged for about a year with promises of change and no action taken. No one likes her because once she came into the picture, everything changed and my dad became a different person. I gave her a chance for about a year, but she has shown to be so selfish and narcissistic that I now realize what everyone else realized from the jump. He now has cut everyone out of his life and I am no longer on speaking terms with him. 

 

This was way longer than I anticipated, but it has been going on the past 2 years now... I am just at a loss for words and really struggling to deal with this in a healthy way. She needs constant validation, attention and empathy and he is the type of guy to always give it to her.. I will always love him, but I am scared that she is going to suck him dry emotionally and financially then leave him just as a shell of a man. I just wish I could get through to him, because now he has no one to be the voice in his ear saying that his relationship with her is extremely unhealthy. If you have any advice or words on encouragement, they will be greatly appreciated.  

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, I lost my own mother in August 2014 but she was in her 90s and it was expected.  I'm in my 60s whereas you are going through this very young.  I lost my dad in my 20s.

Unfortunately there is not much you can say to get through to your dad and he is sure to resent it if you try.  This is one of those things I'm afraid he'll have to learn for himself, the hard way.  Just be there for him when he comes to.  I'm sorry he wasn't there for you in the college struggles, I'm sure you could have used it.  I don't think it's that he doesn't care but he has his blinders on.  It could be he's trying to build a life again or even avoid grieving.  Loss of spouse can be very hard, I lost mine 15 years ago.  We aren't always in our clear minds at the time either.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/tips-for-when-your-widowe_b_5942444

[MartyT]

I hope that by doing some reading about this subject, you'll find that the situation you describe with your dad is not unusual, and you are not alone in your struggle to come to terms with it. In addition to the article Kay has suggested for you, please take a look at the following, including the links to additional resources listed at the base of each:

Remarriage in Widowhood: How Soon Is Too Soon?

In Grief: Is Dad Dating Too Soon After Mom's Death?